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Jan
24th
2018

2012: The Lemuracolypse - Part Eleven: Wish I Could Write a Song · 3:18am Jan 24th, 2018

2012: The Lemuracolypse

Part Eleven of Twelve - Wish I Could Write a Song

The hardest part of a story to write is the beginning.

That being said, the middle portion almost always is guaranteed to draaaaaaaaag. And I don't mean in the sexy way.

But endings? Sure, they can be hard, especially if you're hung up on formatting. But--for the most part--I find that the endings to fics are insanely motivational. That is to say, you'll find yourself suddenly picking up steam and rushing towards the finishing line. It's like the opposite of senioritis.

As Background Pony neared its end, I felt that it hit a good stride. Back to back chapters like Being There and Beloved and All That's Left You proved that I could go the distance with the fic, creating installments that were both epic in size and in emotional depth. I finally got to cut my teeth on Discord--whom I had never written before. To prep myself for the Beloved chapter, I watched old reruns of TNG featuring Q. I discovered that--above all else--an omnipotent immortal like John De Lancie's character loved games. Soooooooo that's my excuse for blatantly ripping off the scene between Morpheus and the denizens of Hell in Neil Gaiman's Sandman for the climactic "battle" between Lyra and Discord.

I felt like I did an above-decent job of casting Discord as random, unpredictable, and comedic--yet capable of suddenly becoming really goddayum menacing at the drop of a hat. His "defeat" at the hooves of Lyra may seem a bit contrived in hindsight, but I wrote that in for more than just Background Pony. I was always bothered that Discord was so easily and brutally turned-back-to-stone at the end of the S1 opener. Even before starting my fic, I had a secret headcanon that Discord meant for himself to be defeated... that he somehow allowed Twilight and her friends to regain the Elements of Harmony and zap him back to a petrified state. I mean, he had proven so incredibly powerful and unassailable beforehand, that it seemed really strange that he would suddenly be blinded by the Mane Six at the end... and that he had the ego to simply sit there and take it while upon his throne. Sooooooooo in a lot of ways, my Background Pony chapter was an attempt to retcon all of that while simultaneously tying in with the themes and backstory of the fanfic.

I had finally come around to invent the story's chief antagonist--Princess Aria. Although, the term "antagonist" is likely flimsy at best. She's as much a victim of cosmic circumstances as Lyra, and her complicity in Lyra's curse is relatively moot. Much like the "Cosmic Matriarch," Princess Aria is a further extension of this lemur's atheist spin on fantastic deities. More often than not, the power of a "god" in my stories is more akin to neutral imminence than righteous agency, and that "power" is typically bound by the parameters of a timeless mistake... like allowing Adam and Eve access to the fruit or affording the existence of the Serpent.

At the risk of offending--like--everybody... I've long developed the poetic stance that God Himself is guilty of the biblical "first sin," and that he's too much of a pussy to omnipotently undo the damage he's done on the puny mortals made in his image... and instead his cowardly "out" is to half-ass an amendment of salvation through the crucifixion of his only Son. It seems to me that all Gods--polytheistic and monotheistic alike--come across as self-centered children, and the ones who actually try and own up to their mistakes do so with the cringey "grace" of most modern politicians.

Aaaaaaaaaanyways, the full cosmology of Background Pony had taken shape in my head around the time I worked on Chapter Eleven, but with Beloved it was finally being made concrete for the marsupials reading the fic. The inclusion of Discord was a means to an end. I felt that--for the ending I had in mind--there needed to be a logical rationale on top of an emotional one... for the decision Lyra ultimately makes, that is. It's kind of a bullshit "out," I suppose... like the "hours of static" mentioned at the very end of Contact, disassembling what is otherwise a pretty open-ended resolution. But I still think that if I hadn't utilized Discord, then even more marsupials would be complaining about the end of Background Pony than there actually are to this day.

The disintegration of Lyra's memory is something I had always wanted to do from the start, and it's a throwback to that forever-unfinished Majora's Mask fanfic where Link starts to lose his cognitive abilities as a direct result of time traveling far too often. Months prior--when I realized I was going to go for an "unhappy" ending--I knew that amnesia was the direction to take it in. It's extremely poetic, and it fits into the theme of the story at large. Are you really yourself when even you can't retain any permanence concerning your kind actions and your good will? Cause and effect is totally screwed in the world of Background Pony, but the experiment here is to see if there's a result to goodness that supersedes the ability to remember or even reflect upon it. So many heroics in our day and age go perpetually unsung. You and I and the rest of the little dwarves around the campfire exist solely because unknown people did unknown things at the risk of an unknowable cost. When--on miraculous occasion--those untold acts of bravery make it to the light, the reality of the matter becomes mind-boggling.

I knew that the ending of Background Pony had to be insanely... unbelievably intimate. Here we had a situation where Lyra herself would forget all of the things she had done and all of the motivation behind the position she's ultimately left in. The final chapter--the "epilogue" so to speak--would be like gazing at someone's dying heart through a hundred-mile-long pinhole. She's left floundering about in hapless soliloquys, and the bitter irony of the matter is we--who have been following along in her lonesome journey--are the ones who understand every pang of guilt, sorrow, and regret that she feels... but we are incapable of helping her. We cannot illuminate her. She's done so much for Ponyville, for Equestria, and for herself... but she remains forever unsung. She's the hero with no hero's welcome, and while such paragons of virtue typically fizzle out in the impenetrable dark, here we are left to witness it in excruciating detail... for paragraphs and paragraphs. On and on she exists, wasting away at a glacial pace, and it's painful. It's meant to be painful. Did you have fun reading it? Well, just imagine writing it.

I used to feel through my writing.

It doesn't happen quite so often these days, but back in 2011 and 2012 I used to be a sobbing little female dog while hammering away certain sequences. It happened a lot during End of Ponies. Scenes like Scootaloo's reunion with Spike in the ruins of Ponyville, the salvation of the foals in Dredgemane, or the monologue over Rainbow's ashes beneath Petra all made me misty-eyed--both in contemplation as well as in execution. The same thing happened often when writing Background Pony. There are just too many moments to name from that dayum fic that form a lump in my throat. When first typing them out, I more or less had to get into the moment... almost like how an actor dredges emotion from the core of her or his being in order to deliver something provocative on set.

While writing "Denouement" of Background Pony, I was a friggin' blubbering mess. I mean having to pause every two paragraphs to wipe my eyes dry mess. It's the most emotional state I've ever been in while writing something, and I haven't repeated it since. I haven't wanted to repeat it.

There's room for extensive commentary on why SS&E fics have distinctly sucked since 2012... or why I've moved away from more serious and emotionally-provocative works of fanfiction. Truth is... I got all of that shit out of my system... or at least I like to think so. That's not to say that Austraeoh hasn't been insanely emotional and feelsy at parts, but in my mind and in my chest vacuole I've unofficially told myself that Background Pony was "it." That is where I hung up my writer's soul to dry. I gave that friggin' fanfic every ounce of feeling that was left in my being, and--quite gladly--I've done my best not to look back.

Err... mostly.

Months later, into the thick of 2013 as I sighed and moaned the absence of fuzzheadeness, I took a brave trip back to my fanfic. For shits and giggles, I re-read the final chapter for the first time in nearly a hundred days. Again... I was left rolling in tears. It sorta boggles my mind how I ever summoned the strength to write something like that in the first place. I can scarcely point out the frigid core of my being from which I was able to salvage such emotion.

And it is brutal, right? The slow burn death? The descent into madness and loneliness that consumes Lyra over the years? I mean... where's the triumph?

Well... duh... it's all over the place. Lyra's victory was sealed the moment she made her sacrifice before Aria in Chapter Nineteen. It goes beyond her desire to protect the lives and souls of those around her. By that point in her journey, Lyra had already gained far more than even she herself could discern--she's just too humble of a mare to realize the inherent gift she's received.

It is her innate desire to make connections with other ponies... with other souls... to commune with those around her while existence makes it possible that defines her as a good, benevolent, altruistic creature. Even in the midst of amnesia, surrounded by darkness, she still makes that connection. This is something to do with the core of her being, beyond sacrifice and oblivion and decay.

Of course it's you. It's always been you. In my tears, it's been you. In my laughter, it's been you. In my parents’ breaths, in my dreams, in the stars of my friends' eyes; they were yours all along. These words are for you: they are drab and they are dismal and they are dull, but they are yours to make poetry with.

For what else would I be writing this if not for you? Because though I don't know you, I know that you are there. I feel your presence, in that I feel the lack of your presence, the indefinable other that makes us more than darkness and dust. I don't know who you are, but I write this to you, and I love you, because what else is there for us to do in this life but reach out and connect, to remind ourselves of things that can't be said, but only felt? For life begins and ends in a blink, and all that is certain is the choice to be certain.

I love you. Whoever you are, wherever you're from, wherever you're going, I love you.

I love you and adore you and cherish you, with my dying heart, with my fleeting mind, and I wish you the absolute best in joy and harmony. The darkness is so grand, so hungry and so enormous, that it is a sin to fill it with anything but friendship. For we are many, and yet we are one, and no division, no barrier, no wall of any sort can separate us, can tear asunder the commonality that allows us to shower beautiful sparks into the black pits of desolation.

We exist, and we are gorgeous, and I love you because I do, not because I did, and not because I'm going to, but in this moment, in this tear, in this howl of joy from the bottom of my heart, I reach forth into the frozen ether and I worship you.

We are the solidarity and the divide all at once. Together, we find truth, and I think it is a beautiful sound. How about you?

This is the heart of Background Pony... the moment of clarity that pulls the entire 400k+ word fanfic together. It's the epiphany upon which the entire plot and narrative structure hinges.

Too bad I stole it from Alan Moore's V for Vendetta.

The other gay women here, Rita, died two weeks ago. I imagine I'll die quite soon. It's strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years I had roses and I apologized to nobody.

I shall die here. Every last inch of me shall perish. Except one.

An inch. It's small and it's fragile and it's the only thing in the world worth having. We must never lose it, or sell it, or give it away. We must never let them take it from us.

I don't know who you are. Or whether you're a man or a woman. I may never see you or cry with you or get drunk with you. But I love you. I hope that you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better, and that one day people have roses again. I wish I could kiss you.

Valerie

X

Whenever I'm driving or gaming or going for a walk or just farting about...

...if I ever need to get myself feeling emotional, I just think about Valerie's letter from V for Vendetta, and I get misty-eyed every goddam time. What a precious moment of beauty marinating in an ocean of filth and despair. Even months before writing the end to Background Pony, my mind locked in on that bit of Alan Moore's writing and I knew that Lyra's message had to be one in the same.

And yet, at the same time, I felt the need to twist it slightly... to make it interpretatively meta. There's reason to believe that the fourth wall is breaking--that Lyra is talking to us when she makes this epiphanous connection. Is it hokey? Perhaps... but, then again, this is chapter twenty of a story where talking unicorns have continuously tap-danced around brutal existentialism.

So beautiful

It really is so beautiful.

I wish...

Yes...

I almost wish I could write a song.

And at the end, there's that final thought. A concrete resolution. It's the one and only moment in all of "Denouement" where the color green appears. Yes, there are moments when purple text is used--the accursed stain of Aria forever affecting Lyra's memories. Purple is an invasive, violating color in this fic... and it seemingly frames the tragic fate that Lyra suffers.

But--at the very last moment when her soul is exposed--she finds herself again. It's more than just poetic nuance, it's a major twist. After all, Lyra supposedly "sealed the deal" with Aria in the previous chapter by asking the Goddess to remove her "love of music." To eliminate the core of her being.

But a love of music isn't the true essence of who Lyra is, isn't it?

Since the final publication of Background Pony, people have criticized the fic... accusing the narrative of setting the readers up for a gratuitously grim fall. "Lyra was built around hope and ambition," they'll say. "It's totally against character for her to just give up on salvation like that, and the author just went for a sad ending for a sad ending's sake."

And for those of you who think that, I must gently declare that you did not read the story.

You might think that you read the story, but by stating or paraphrasing something like that, you quite obviously did not.

Because if you did read the story, then you would know--from CHAPTER ONE--that Lyra Heartstrings is all about sacrifice. She tries to earn bits to gain sound stones to learn more about the Nocturne, but she uses the money to buy a musical instrument for Derpy's daughter instead. When she could romantically "claim" Morning Dew in a gazillion different ways, she instead gives him up to Ambrosia, allowing them both to form a healthy relationship without her interference. She could have revealed herself to her father, Nebulous, if even for a moment of cathartic release, but instead she spares him the emotional distress and confusion so that he can carry on peacefully with the new phase of his life. Then there's the saving of Scootaloo and the sparing of Straight Edge and all of the conversations she humors Rarity with--the list goes on and on.

What made Lyra Lyra was not her musical creativity. You can't be blamed for thinking that. After all, Lyra thought that too. That's why she tells Aria to remove her love of music. She sees it as a final act of sacrifice that will make sure that she will never challenge her unsung imprisonment and risk altering things ever again.

But the truth is, Lyra's creativity and ambition is merely an extension of her being. The true core of Lyra is her selflessness and her love for all fellow beings. It's the part of herself that's preserved far beyond the curse... and far beyond the power of Aria or the Cosmic Matriarch or all the powers of the universe. If Lyra has a fault, it's that she's too humble... yes, even too humble to recognize her best strengths. But that is also her key to victory. And--when all is said and done, and she's suspended in the midst of darkness--her sheer will to connect and preserve beauty and do good defies even the power of the Unsung Curse, to the extent that from her innermost being she re-births the desire to make music.

I almost wish I could write a song.

In the midst of despair and oblivion, she manifests purpose. From reflecting on her sheer existence, she finds essence. It is the moment that Lyra decides to push the stone back up the hill... even if her last breath is but a blink or two after that decision is made.

That, my friends, is not a defeat, although it is colored on all sides with melancholy. And if you choose to interpret it as nothing more than a "downer ending," then... well... I guess that just makes you a Brony. And if there's anything I've learned about bronies in seven years of writing horsewords, it's that they really really really do not like "unhappy endings."

And I do believe it's been suggested that Background Pony loses its merit through the sheer fact that--as the story requires--Lyra Heartstrings is more or less "boxed in" by extreme circumstances necessitated by the plot. Thus it has little bearing on how we--as neckbearded hoomahn readers--can or can't interpret its themes as applicable to real-life meaning. And I suppose that is true. Additionally, Hamlet could never have engaged Laertes in a duel. Kurtz would not have died during the journey back down river. Michael would not have put the hit out on Fredo. Kirk would not have spared the Gorn's life. Blah blah blah. Stories are--by definition--abstract artifices of thought. But creating them is better than creating nothing, for at least it lends to even more thought--which we can likewise choose to contemplate or ignore.

And, y'know what? You are also correct. Background Pony and its narrative constructs have no true right existing within the the fun and fancy free cartoon horse world of My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. To that, I say... why are we even here to begin with? We could have spent the last eight years smelling our own farts while listening to Living Tombstone on endless repeat. But instead, we decided to do more than that, didn't we? We decided to write some really wyrd wicked shiet... and the worst that's happened is all of the imagination and friendship we've gained for doing so. In short... I'm pretty sure the fun and fancy free cartoon horses can deal.

Too bad a lot of Fimficcers couldn't.

Going in, I should have known what to expect. Unhappy story is unhappy, and after 400k+ words, someone was bound to be soaking in salt and urine.

Technically speaking, Background Pony's final update was received with "mixed reviews." Perhaps even "mostly positive." If Background Pony was a Steam game, it had yet to pop the "angry gamers" cherry with loot boxes. Even after all I threw at it.

Lots of commenters left words of praise--written elegantly and expressively. Likewise, those who disliked the ending or the story in general left their two cents. There were provocative comments and even debate on both sides of the spectrum, and it was pretty dayum rich. Not a lot of the stuff I've produced since has manifested much in the way of snazzy discussion.

Let it be clear--I am not of the belief that you absolutely must like or even respect Background Pony. It's perfectly alright to fall into the school of "that story's a bloated piece of purple crap" or "skirts doesn't know cat flop about philosophic thinking" or "I much prefer the one where best unicorn dances around and sings about humans." I wrote what I felt at the time was a well-rounded melancholic story with various different angles of analysis and provocative thought. It's okay to hate it. Nietzsche knows I hate it. Or--at least--I hated it for most of the time I was writing it. The fact that Background Pony exists is not going to cast a shade on the fact that other stories that are far happier or far snazzier or far better written exist. My story was something that I needed to have written, and--from what I've come to learn--it was something that a certain group of people evidently wanted to read.

But--for every three or four heartfelt comments that the story got upon its finale--there was at least one knee-jerk equivalent of "fuq u" or "you did this to Lyra on purpose, didn't you, edgelord?" One Internet Tough guy had even responded with the most passive aggressive review ever conceived by mankind, which he in no way whatsoever had prepared ahead of time with his finger hovering patiently over the "comment" button just waiting for the final chapter to go up so he could click it.

But I suppose the thing about being "popular" or writing "popular" stuff is that you're more likely to have a saturation of vitriolic and even ugly reactions. Best to just accept hate for what it truly is: just an inside-out version of love... and learn to simply roll with it.

But let it be stated that it was never my intent to "waste everyone's time" with a 400k+ word sad fic. I look back at each individual chapters and I personally feel that each installment can easily stand on its own. Almost like an anthology of separate-yet-interconnected fanfics. In my head, I consider Background Pony to be one of those "it's the journey; not the destination" things, which is paramount to real life itself. And for those of you who think that--regardless--Lyra suffered a needless fate with absolutely no catharsis or recognition whatsoever, I have only one question to ask the lot of you...

...how is is that any of us readers have been able to retain knowledge of her journal?

So, at long last, Background Pony was finished.

Time for celebration, right?

Well... as t'was the nature of the fic, it more or less ended with a whimper and not a bang. I recall uploading the chapter on the same date as the premiere of MLP:FiM S3. Nietzsche alive, what's with my timing, anyways...

The mostly luke-warm reaction to the ending I chose combined with the uneasy feeling I was getting about Season Three sort of... dulled the thrill of the finale for me. But, of course, I only had myself to blame. If nothing else, I was just friggin' relieved it was done. The "special thanks to" section I placed at the end of that meant something. I felt like I had taken the biggest philosophical dump in my life, and I knew that--objectively speaking--it was the first and only epic I ever legitimately finished... which--considering 14+ years of fiddling with fanfiction--is saying a lot. Almost all stuff I've worked on in the past has been part of some anthology or another... or an initial installment for a series I would ultimately plan to write but never execute. This includes most of my Zelda shiet, XME fanfiction, and--yes--Teen Titans. As much as I'm proud of Austraeoh, it's 2018 and I still haven't finished that. Once Book Twelve of Easthorse is done, I'll look back at the likes of Background Pony and I'll just fart.

But I knew someone for whom the conclusion of Background Pony meant a great deal more for. When I first chatted with Ponky, I kept him--like most marsupials--at arm's length. By the fic's culmination, I was giving him hints and insight as to where the story was going, and I even asked him to edit on at least one chapter draft. The poor bastard treated the situation like a thirteen-year-old opening a National Geographic issue to the "domestic life" photos. I know that he praised the story left and right, but I guess I could never truly understand just how much the fic meant to him until afterwards.

But, evidently, I understood just enough. And before I did the "official" posting of the fic, I linked him to the drafts of the final two chapters so that he could read them early. This was like opening floodgates for the fuzzhead, and I recall him messaging me about how much he was literally trembling and bawling his eyes out. Ponky has since come to praise and worship that mint green unicorn story, but at the time it was like some literal religious experience... which I suppose would explain some things.

I've gotten some weird messages over the past seven years of my life. People have told me how shiet I've written has changed them... even saved them, to some extent. Once a dude wrote me how Austraeoh helped him to learn English and quite literally escape Russia to find a "better life" elsewhere. So... yeah. Crazy stuff... and oftentimes hard to believe.

Ponky--through two years of written missives--has communicated quite clearly with me how much of an impact Background Pony has had on his existence. And this has helped me realize that there's truth to such hyperbolic fanfictional claims. I'm still not entirely certain how I feel about that... or how I should feel about it. When I finished Background Pony, I was almost totally thinking about myself at the time... and how great it would feel to get that shiet over and done with. Perhaps in trying to take care of my own baggage... I helped people out with theirs?

I dunno. For the most part, I look back at Background Pony and I only see it for its mistakes... for all of the awkward shortcomings and none of the spectacular things that it accomplished. But it helps to know that at least it did something for marsupials like Ponky and SATGF and the denizens of Fimfiction at large. And--for everyone who hated it--I'm certain that its existence gives them the must-cherished agency of ignoring it... so you're welcome for that too.

But, at last, I had crossed that hump. Lyra was buried--along with many tears--and I had free license to return to that other epic that had throttled me into the fandom to begin with. From then on out, it was the Wasteland or bust, right?

Wrong.

As it turns out, I would end up being a bit distracted as the end of 2012 came... and along with it the unforeseen end to something that I had belatedly come to cherish.

To be Concluded in Part Twelve: Ragnarok and Beyond

Comments ( 39 )

>sees "Background Pony"

That's a minefield of spoilers. I really gotta be caref-

s.wsj.net/public/resources/images/BN-DJ179_062114_G_20140622094848.jpg

I remember reading through the last chapter, crying my throat dry, and thinking... "If only there were another way it could have ended, but really, this was the only way it could have ended."

I loved it. And I fear going back and reading it again for similar reasons. It's done, and I don't need to feel it again.

But was it worth it? Abso-friggin'-lutely.

I'll be honest: The sole reason I haven't read Background Pony is that I have been warned away from it. As in, it's been spoken of in the same dread hush as Voldemort or Vader or Frau Bleucher.

I'll read it one of these days...when I can find time to dispel my backlog of stuff I should read. Which is as impressively massive as the national debt.

Oh boy, we're back to the ending of Background Pony. This is almost nostalgic.

I've read what you've said here, and I also went back to reread my original review for the final chapter, and I basically stand by what I said there. My biggest problem with the ending of Background Pony isn't the downer ending, it's the... non-ending. Tons of stuff has been happening for hundreds of thousands of words, and yet no progress has been made in the end. Lyra sacrifices everything in order to have everything be the same. All character development has been wiped clean. Everything I've grown to care about is no longer there. The story doesn't end, it just stops, and only because Lyra died.

...Then immediately after posting my review slamming the ending, I subscribed to you so that I could keep up with your work now that Background Pony was finished. You then promptly sent me a PM happily congratulating and thanking me for being your 2000th subscriber! :heart: :derpytongue2:

That was a bit of an odd feeling.

I'm going to quote myself from the post-mortem blogpost, because I still don't get it:

Can someone please explain the ending to me in terms that don't make nonsense out of either end of the Nightmare Moon arc? 'Cause I'm getting some nasty flashbacks from the endings to the new Battlestar Galactica and Matrix trilogy here:

"Oh boy! Finally some answers!"

"A wizard did it."

*insert artistic montage here*

"Dafuq? OK, wait for it..."

*roll credits*

*rage quit*

The ending might work artistically and thematically, but it appears to destroy the narrative integrity of the story.


Edit: *waves at the downvoter*

Hey, maybe you can explain it to me? How did we get from "the curse works a certain way, here's chapter after chapter of Lyra researching it, getting very close to an answer, and maybe being able to fix it" to "none of that matters, those chapters were just character-building and filler, self-sacrifice is the only answer"?

What the heck is the deal with all these blog posts?

I'm finding these blogs fascinating, the background providing an amazing amount of context to the stories. I can't wait for the next post, since I might actually recognize some of it.

4780553
I agree entirely. I think it's the one fic on my e-reader I'll never read. I want to... but... It's BP, I don't think I can get away with reading it in public.

Once a dude wrote me how Austraeoh helped him to learn English

Not to make light of a truly amazing achievement but I hope he learned how to swear from it. That'd be hilarious.

I distinctly remember the day I read the end of Background Pony. I was working at a gas station at the time, and it was a cold November day, overcast and a little snowy. I read it when I could in between customers, and as it became clear where the ending was going I started to feel jittery. The day passed in a blur. I can only imagine what the poor customers thought of the guy behind the counter, visibly distracted and probably on the verge of tears. That night I literally lay awake in bed thinking about it.

Say what you will about Background Pony. It's not without its flaws. Few things are. But to this day I consider it one of the most beautiful, haunting, and profound stories I've ever read, and even now when I think about it I feel echoes of the emotions it stirred in me. It moved me in ways very, very few stories ever have, fanfiction or otherwise.

4780562
Its an Autobiography with 12 chapters, published in real time.

I've always taken Lyra's journey as an end without an ending. Not because she couldn't be afforded one, but because she transcended one.

Background Pony is a cathartic proof to those of us who exist primarily behind a window of sorts, marveling at the world but struggling to be part of it. It speaks to us in a way that very few things can, as if to say, "Maybe you can't see what I see or hear what I hear, but you can feel what I feel."

And I think that's enough.

Man, Skirts...

After a few of these blogs, I figured there would be BP spoilers ahead, which kinda made me uneasy since I was less than halfway through the story. It's a hard story to read more than a chapter of at once. But I really wanted to keep reading these blogs, so I bit the bullet and downed 240,000 words of horse philosophy in three days, and...

On the one hand, I'm sure glad I did, because I would not have wanted to walk into this particular blog without. On the other, I think it broke my brain from sadness overload. Send help.

The ending made me cry. I laid in bed and found that there was nothing beyond it for me for awhile... because what I needed was to comprehend something painfully human.


11 of 12.


Then comes the End.

I was in a funk for a solid two weeks after finishing Background Pony. The story was beautiful but it HURT like nothing else by the end. I have rarely been so gut punched by a work of fiction, I just couldn't hold my emotions in check like I was used to doing. Thanks for that, it's good to be made to feel with that much intensity, even if the emotions were mostly sad ones.

I still want to reread it but... I don't think I'm ready for that and I don't want to overwrite that original experience at all.

It doesn't happen quite so often these days, but back in 2011 and 2012 I used to be a sobbing little female dog while hammering away certain sequences. It happeneda lotduringEnd of Ponies. Scenes like Scootaloo's reunion with Spike in the ruins of Ponyville, the salvation of the foals in Dredgemane, or the monologue over Rainbow's ashes beneath Petra all made me misty-eyed--both in contemplation as well as in execution. The same thing happened often when writingBackground Pony. There are just too many moments to name from that dayum fic that form a lump in my throat. When first typing them out, I more or less had toget into the moment... almost like how an actor dredges emotion from the core of her or his being in order to deliver something provocative on set.

While writing "Denouement" ofBackground Pony, I was a friggin' blubbering mess. I meanhaving to pause every two paragraphs to wipe my eyes drymess. It's the most emotional state I've ever been in while writing something, and I haven't repeated it since. I haven'twantedto repeat it.

Is it weird that I find this really cool? This doesn't seem like something that can be learned. It's either part of your ability or it isn't.

I don't remember exactly what I thought after the final chapter of BP, but I remember no ill will about it. The comment I left was quite positive...

Just finished it. One of the most depressing stories I've ever read, that's for sure. Lyra was truly, irreparably cursed, and in the end, hopeless. That makes this the most realistic story about a curse I've ever read.

I used to get a little annoyed with Lyra for putting off playing more of the Nocturne and just talking with other ponies, helping them with their problems . . . Living in the moment. If only she could have just kept on doing that. Who knows if the little conversations she managed to have with other characters at the end of the story had any impact on their future?

This story was so deep it's crazy. I loved and hated it. The first two chapters that had wonderful pacing and beautifully showed us the curse and our heroine, the seventh chapter that ripped my soul to pieces with depression, all the crazy references from Pinkie Pie, Lyra's insane trip to hell and outpouring of emotion afterword, the sheer bleakness of the ending, and so much more. I feel like in some ways, this story wasn't meant to be enjoyed.

Either way, thank you SSaE, I certainly won't forget this.

And most of all, I won't forget you Lyra.

It's funny... I don't actually have BP in my top twenty-five favorite fanfics, because it was SO depressing as to be a tough read at times, and it was also quite purple and slow and I found a few chapters towards the end confusing. But for years it was the first story I thought of when I thought of pony fan fiction, and I considered it a masterpiece in a way I didn't consider any other fan fic a masterpiece, because it was so big and so deep. The concept for the story was so clever, and it stood out simply in HOW sad it was. The ending might be the main thing people talk about, for me it was Twilight and Moondancer's (I have that right?) friendship breaking apart in chapter VII that hit me the hardest. I really felt like you examined the curse from all angles and was thorough about it, and honestly, I like how thoroughly FUCKED Lyra was. I also clearly liked Lyra herself a lot. I remember her having outstanding moral fiber and not realizing her own greatness as much as she ought to have, but I don't remember as much about her as I feel like I should, considering how much I appreciated her, and I kind of want to give BP a reread simply for that. That said, I have reread the first two chapters before, and I have more difficulty with the writing style than I did when I first read it. I ought to be happy I found the story when I did, not just because I remember excitedly hurrying home from my job to read another chapter, but because it introduced me to a varied, strange, interesting writer, who would start out mysteriously and slowly reveal himself more and more. BP isn't my favorite fic of yours. I like Appledashery, Apple Cider Doughnuts, Tinnitus, Step Right In and Start Again, and A Pair of Rare Shies more if my list is to be believed. But up until maybe Appledashery, and possibly still to this day, it's the fic that had the biggest impact on me.

I feel that the ending of BP didn't make the story pointless, because it forces the reader to reevaluate the entire concept of pointless, and that's a point in and of itself.

BP was one of the best things I had the privilege to be a part of. It still is an honor, to this day, to be listed at the end of that story and thanked for my contribution.

I can't read that last chapter without being emotionally compromised. Background Pony is a story that sticks with you, and the impact lasts far beyond the final chapter. It's sort of poetic, I think, to remember something so strongly about a story's main character who is doomed to be forgotten.

Wait, why is this blog only a facepalming lemur? Is this a troll or something?

Background Pony was great, top to bottom. I remember thinking the ending really fit what the story wanted to do, and I bet if I were to reread it, I'd come to the same conclusion.

"Where were you when the finale of Background Pony was posted?"

I remember my reaction to the chapter well. It was no cliffhanger, it was no neat and tidy thing wrapped up in a bow, happy or bittersweet ending. It was rough, it was tragic, it was hopeless. The fear of being forgotten raging against the fear of forgetting. A look at mortality that you can't put on the brave face and say, "Come and take me if you dare, Death. I've no regrets!" Because we look at Lyra, and she just... CAN'T regret. Doesn't have the option, it's a stark and lonely drop off the edge of the world, with no bottom in sight, and you know you're going to slowly die on the way down. All the hubris in the world, all the self-determination, all the grand ideas of legacy and immortalizing our existence, eclipsed by a greater power than any other, ineffable and implacable, standing so far above such petty and arrogant mortal ideals it's a wonder such a thing could be at all: the end.

And yet I was proud of her, as I sat there in my chair of the time and cried, ugly sobbing mess like I just had to bury a friend. I was proud of the journey, I was proud of the sacrifices, I was proud of the pain and suffering, I was proud of... the choice. Maybe madness, maybe bravery, maybe fear, but whatever it took to choose, she made a decision with no necessarily clear lesser of the two evils, and resigned herself to a fate she knew could only play out one way. Even the writing felt like it was fraying from its usual tone along with her, whether I imagined it or not - but I felt that if so, it was a beautiful and subtle touch.

Thank you, Skirts.

I've long developed the poetic stance that God Himself is guilty of the biblical "first sin," and that he's too much of a pussy to omnipotently undo the damage he's done on the puny mortals made in his image... and instead his cowardly "out" is to half-ass an amendment of salvation through the crucifixion of his only Son.

This point made me question my own faith a while back. Why can't God just make it easy, just whisk away all our problems? Once I came to accept that Genesis 1-11 was largely allegorical, it got easier. IN my humble stance, God values our free will more than anything. The story of Adam, Eve, and the Forbidden Fruit is—again, just my interpretation—allegory for the constant rejection of God. Every time we sin, we consciously reject God and His way. In the old days, it was hard to attain His Grace. Animal sacrifices, eating certain foods, 600+ laws from Leviticus, etc. Now, it's simple: faith in Christ. No rules, no regulations. Simply follow His two commandments: Love God, Love Each other.

I'm sorry if I'm preaching, and I hold no illusions that I'm going to magically convert you back to the faith. Just giving my two cents on the issue. :scootangel:

Wanderer D
Moderator

4780555 Eh. Whiners and chumps. It's worth reading. Now that you've read this, you'll have a bit more overall perspective, but my takeaway from the angry comments at the time, was that people were upset because Shepard didn't survive crashing into earth enveloped in flames like some sort of god Lyra didn't "win."

The sacrifice to help Dinky out in the first chapter of Background Pony is what sealed the deal with my love for Lyra in the story. It's no lie I can be an emotional mess, or that my faith and understanding of the world at large is constantly being questioned in my own mind. Still, the sort of attitude Lyra has in the story is something I aspire to.

So yeah, with helping out your baggage you've helped out mine. It might be silly to say "Thanks for the story," but truly, thanks for the story. I hold onto it fondly in my memory.

4780718
Speaking only for myself, it wasn't that she didn't win, it's that how she lost didn't seem to follow from the build-up. We had *counts* 17 chapters of Lyra piecing together fragments of history, what happened to Luna / Nightmare Moon, how the Nocturne came to be, contacting Luna, and getting her to sing. And then none of that mattered.

Once upon a time, a man decided to climb a mountain. He took a nasty fall, badly bruising himself, and landed in the woods next to a shaggy-haired dog. Despite his injuries, he limped back to his house, where he left the dog, then to the nearest hospital, where he got some x-rays. When he got home, the dog looked hungry, so he made a steak just for the dog, and turned on the television. He was just about to call the pound when he heard that a wealthy couple, on vacation in the vicinity, had lost a very shaggy dog, and were offering a very large sum for his return. He bought a plane ticket, but fell short on funds. Being a thrifty man, never wanting to live in debt, he sold a chair from his house to pay for the ticket. When he got on the plane, he found that he couldn't take the dog without preparations; the airline, however, was willing to transfer his ticket for a nominal fee. He was forced to pay this fee, and the veterinarian's bills, with a credit card, which irked him even though he knew the reward would offset it. Then he flew to the city in question, but since he was only twenty-four (too young to rent a car), had to walk ten miles through the woods, going in the general direction of the manor. When he arrived, he found he had missed the front gate entirely. He walked directly up to the door with the dog and rang the bell... when he and the dog were shot dead by a guard.

"But that's the point of the story!" Well, then I don't like that kind of story.

Comment posted by Austraeoh Fact Checker deleted Jan 24th, 2018

4780577

A loud electrical buzz sparked from the cockpit, and the elk grunted, "Deep puss! Grnngh! Biscuit eating estrus fridge!"

Props sighed dreamily, fanning herself. "Nothing short of poetry..."

Bzzzzt! "Motherspitter!"

4780989
Seriously, do you have photographic memory?

4780600
Holy mother of shit. I even get downvotes from you people for asking simple questions that reflect nothing of my opinion. You guys think I'm Satan?

...how is is that any of us readers have been able to retain knowledge of her journal?

Huh. Actually, I'm pretty sure I put BP on my reading list ages ago, and told myself I'd read it at some point after catching up with Easthorse and Itendswiththemcuddling. But for some reason I haven't yet... or have I? Maybe I just keep reading it over and over?
:pinkiegasp:

To this day, still the most beautiful, harrowing story I've ever read. Bravo.

Literal puddle of my tears.
i.imgur.com/L96VGVk.jpg

4781105
I mean, reading the first blog post would pretty obviously tell you what the rest of the were going to be about. Dunno who downvoted you.

I remember reading the end of Background Pony and having no idea what to think, but I was feeling something.

Hearing SS&E talk about the story feels like a bit of closure, and makes me realize just how damn awesome Lyra was in the story.

Hap

I almost wish I could write a song.

This line still makes me cry.

4781262
Yeah, well, glancing at anything skirts has written, I wasn't wrong in assuming I may have had to read several hundred words to get an answer.

4781851
to be fair, there are other ways of stating a question more neutrally.

Like someone else in this thread, I like knowing that you felt the ending. I certainly did. I spent the week following pretty much waking up, crying about Lyra, looking for any way it could have ended differently, failing, and going to sleep again. She was a good pony, just like she always wanted.

I remember a lot about the time I spent reading BP, actually. The things I was doing, of walking through wal-mart with my nose in my tablet, because I could not stop reading. I remember being motivated to draw Lyra, in some of my first digital art ever. In some way, I credit BP with my becoming (to the extent it could be said that I have) an artist.

Anyway, it's interesting seeing you just lay it all out there. Explaining why she won. Very different from the cryptic silence and image spam of skirts past. I cried again when you quoted the ending y'know. There's something great about a story so powerful it defies forgetting, at least, for longer than usual.

I've read a fair way into Austraeoh, at the behest of a friend who could hardly even be considered a brony, but it's just so long, man. Who has that kind of time anymore? I feel like I've missed something by not following it back when it was being formed, but then, it's still ongoing. I worried a little that these blogs might be the prelude to hanging up your hat on that, but clearly that's not the case. Someday, maybe I'll catch up and be able to watch this epic in real time.

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