Site Post » Merry Jinglemas, Everyone · 7:07pm Dec 24th, 2014
Hi, everyone! I hope you're all enjoying the wonderful nondenominational holiday of Jinglemas this year. It is a magical time indeed.
All of us here at Fimfiction.net™®Ω want to get together now to wish you the merriest of Jinglemases, and hope that you too can find the true meaning of joy and happiness and conviviality. First person to mail in with this mystical secret will receive honorable mention when we file the patent for it, and may earn a modest portion of the collected royalties.
Coal for the Coal God
Anyhow, since we've tricked you into being here, instead of with your friends and family, it's time for another Jinglemas tale! Gather ye round the sacred Jinglemas flame, children, and I shall tell you a story. A story of love, and loss, and longing, and some other words that start with l. It is time now... for How knighty Stole Jinglemas.
Every user on Fimfic liked Jinglemas a lot...
But knighty, who ran the whole website, did NOT!
knighty hated Jinglemas! The whole Jinglemas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his code wasn't coded just right.
It could be, perhaps, that the UI was too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
Was that the font on the site was two sizes too small.
Whatever the reason, his font or his code,
He sat there on Jingleve, eying the server load,
Staring down from his cave with dour, British spite,
At the warm lighted screens below on his site.
For he knew every user down in Fimfic beneath,
Was busy now, posting a pony-themed wreath.
"And they're writing their fanfics!" he snarled with a sneer,
"Tomorrow is Jinglemas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Brit fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Jinglemas from coming!"
For tomorrow, he knew, the site would be updated,
And the users would see it and someone would hate it!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise!
Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE!
NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the users, young and old, would sit down to read.
And they'd read! And they'd read! And they'd read!
READ! READ! READ!
They would look at the featured box, and they'd stare at the feed!
Which... wasn't that bad, knighty had to concede.
But THEN they'd do something He liked least of all!
Every user on Fimfic, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with Jinglemas bells ringing.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And they'd all start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing! And they'd SING!
“WINTER WRAP-UP WINTER WRAP-UP!”
And the more knighty thought of this JinglemasSing,
The more knighty thought, "I must stop this whole thing!"
"Why, for more than three years I've put up with it now!"
"I MUST stop Jinglemas from coming! But HOW?"
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
KNIGHTY GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" knighty laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santy Claus hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great knighty trick!"
"With this coat and this hat, I look just like Saint Nick!"
"All I need is a reindeer..." knighty looked around.
But, since reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old admin? No! knighty simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
So he called his mod, D. Then he took some red thread,
And he tied a big horn on the top of his head.
"Latias!"
THEN He loaded some tea bags for his weird British tea,
On a ramshackle sleigh, and he hitched up old D.
Then knighty said, "Giddap!" And the sleigh started down,
Toward the homes where the users lay asnooze in their town.
All their monitors were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the users were dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When he came to the first little account on the square.
"This is stop number one," the old knighty Claus hissed,
And he clicked on the user page, mouse clutched in his fist.
Then he scrolled down the page, though it wasn't that tidy.
But, if Santa could bear it, then so could old knighty.
He got stuck only once, due to their lack of style.
When his rig couldn't load every .gif file.
He saw the little comments all hung in a row.
"These comments," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile like a creature,
Around the whole page, and he took every feature!
Role playing! And banners! NSFW Art! Color!
Stuff! Other stuff! I couldn't think of another!
And he stuffed them in bins. Then knighty, that's right,
Stuffed all the features, one by one, off the site!
"Finally"
Then he slunk to the bookshelves. He took the whole lot!
He took all the clop! He took it for the plot!
He cleaned out that bookshelf as quick as a flash.
Why, that knighty even took the shipfics for TwiDash!
Then he stuffed all the fics in the trash with the eggnog.
"And NOW!" grinned knighty, "I'll stuff in the blogs!"
And knighty grabbed the blogposts, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small dude!
Little Cindy-Lou Shadowflash, who loved Team Fortress 2.
knighty'd been caught in his glorious slaughter,
By a staffer who'd got out of bed for some water.
He stared at knighty and said, "Santy Claus, why,”
"Why are you taking our features? WHY?"
But, you know, that old knighty was so smart and so slick,
He thought up the truth, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Santy Claus sighed,
"There's some content you're posting that our ads won't abide."
"So I'm taking it off of this website, my dear."
"You can post it elsewhere, but you can't post it here."
And he knocked out the child. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he threw him in bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Shadowflash was in bed with his cup,
knighty went to the site and stuffed the blogs up!
Then the last thing he took was the groups for their drama!
Leaving no way for users to cause others trauma!
And the one final module that he left on the page,
Was a comment box too small to express their rage.
Then He did the same thing to every other user's page,
Leaving comment boxes too small for all their own rage!
It was quarter past dawn... All the users, still a-bed,
All the users, still asnooze when he packed up his sled,
Packed it up with their features! The colors! The fluff!
The tags! And the stuff! The other stuff! The still more stuff!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpet,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
"Pooh-Pooh to the users!" he was Britishly humming.
"They're finding out now that no Jinglemas is coming!"
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!"
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
Then the users on Fimfic will all cry Boo Hoo!"
"That's a noise," grinned knighty, "That I simply MUST hear!"
So he paused. And knighty put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow.
But the sound wasn't sad! Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so! But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Fimfic! Knighty popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every user on Fimfic, the tall and the small,
Was writing! Without any features at all!
He HADN'T stopped Jinglemas from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And knighty, with his brit-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?"
"It came without banners! It came without tags!"
"It came without more banners, colors, or tags!"
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then knighty thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Jinglemas," he thought, "doesn't come from design."
"Maybe users... perhaps... can do more than whine!"
And what happened then? Well... on Fimfic they say,
That the font on the site grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light,
And he brought back the clop! And the shipfics in a flash!
And he, he himself! knighty, shipped Twilight with Dash.
The Events of this Tale were entirely fictional. Any resemblance these characters bear to actual Fimfiction staff members is accidental and not supported by canon.
Merry Jinglemas, everyone. Happy New Year.
MERRY JINGLEMAS EVERYPONY! AND A HA-PONY EWE DEER!
lol
merry jinglemas
Merry Holidays, everybody.
The best Jinglemas gift a random user like me could ask for.
Happy Holidays, Obs. Happy Holidays, everyone.
Merry Jinglemas, everybody!
What... no pie?
i.imgur.com/B5s7XTp.jpg
Merry Jinglemas!
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Merry Jinglemas to you guys too! :)
That was amazing!
That was definitely worth reading!
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Also, MERRY JINGLEMAS EVERYONE!!!!
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You're welcome.
I wish I could up vote blog posts... Why hasn't Knighty added that yet!? He's such a slacker.
Sweet Celestia, this is f
ing genius!
Whaddaya mean, you "couldn't think of another?"
Happy holidays, everyone!
That was all sorts of wonderful. It needs a dramatic reading
Oh, and I'm pretty sure the secret to all that happiness is liking MLP FiM
That was beautiful.
Now all we need is a movie adaption with knighty played by Jim Carrey.
11/10
Words cannot express how awesome that was.
I'll admit, you got me in the spirit, Obs. I'm feeling festive now.
I've gone through started down-voting everyone's comments here. That'll take care of the red color. Now I need someone else to up-vote them all so we've all got some green, as well. We shall all be festive!
>Jinglemas
:3
Obs you mad beautiful bastard.
Now I know why I feel sad during Jinglemas.
MERRY JINGLEMAS YAH TWATS
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Best line, right there. That had be in stitches.
This was beautiful!
Come to think of it, Knighty's recent decisions and behavior does resemble the Grinch.
Yay, that was wonderful! Merry Jinglemas, everyone!
God dammit, Obs.
Happy Jinglemas
I'm famous! My user name has appeared in knighty's followers screen shot twice now! In this one and another blog made by knighty!... Wait, it does mean I'm famous, right?
The first thing I'm going to say as a very famous, well known, good looking guy that everybody loves and likes, is Merry Christmas and a happy new year in a few days!
This is beautiful.
Merry Jinglemas to all! And to all a good night!
Almost tl;dr'd. Almost. Glad I stayed to the end.
Good work, Obs!
EDIT: MERRY JINGLEMAS YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS!
Anyway, i loved the story and I found it funny how you just got a picture of knighty's image and put it where the Grinch's face should be.
2675833 I'll help! *dives on the vote buttons.*
Best Jingelmas story ever!
Merry Jingelmas to all, and to all a good night! (or day, depending on timezone.)
I have to admit Obs, your poem is so inspiring it actually got some dedicated loser to downvote all comments and not own up to it in their cowardice.
Definitely smells like jinglemass.
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I certainly am a dedicated loser! Dedicated to spreading festive color!
2675833
Join in, won't you? Seriously, I need someone to down-vote my comments.
Now this is the kind of investigative journalism I support!
What a terrible message this has as if this couldn't suck any harder somehow it just did.
Delete all the features, bring back about 3 of the huge list.
Fucking thanks. Basically that sums up this entire place.
2675906 Yes! That's the one I was originally looking for, but I couldn't remember the specifics of it.
i lost it at that line XD ....
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It reminds me of blood and Santa Claus.
I personally prefer all red over all green.
Jolly Jinglemas everybody!
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Well, I'll keep my eye on this-- I'm keen to see Knighty's reaction.
Meanwhile, allow me to say. . . Gëzuar gërvishtlindjet!
Bad Albanian pun was bad.