Dear Rainbow Dash,
I thought that you matured somewhat over the years. Sure, you had some ups and a lot of downs, but you were growing and becoming a better pony day by day, step by step. Becoming a Wonderbolt surely had to be a leap ahead for you, and I imagined it would lead to nothing but forward progression.
What I did not envision was this leap being so huge, you thought you could afford to take a few steps backward. So far back, in fact, that I did not expect to be struck with a storm of scrolls, a plethora of parchment, waves upon waves of words!
Yes, words. I’m still reading all of these scrolls you had Spike send. It’s… It’s just--HOW MUCH do you write in your spare time?! I’ve probably read at least twelve full-length Daring Do fanfictions, two hundred-plus shipping stories and counting (never in my life did I think I’d read a tragic romance between a bag of flour and a straw until today), a list of minor home improvement tasks graciously penned by Twilight, a smaller shopping list consisting of nothing but tortoise food and cider penned by you, and a note reminding you to read a note you posted on the side of your fridge.
You might want to look into that last one. I just opened up a note telling you to look at the note you wrote on the front of your fridge saying you should check the side of the fridge. This is a bizarre trail of cookie crumbs you’re leaving for yourself, a step-by-step treasure map to… oh I don’t know, a giant cookie stash?
Seriously, Rainbow Dash. Where are the filly scout cookies? I special ordered a half-dozen boxes to be delivered to my doorstep that haven’t shown up tonight, and I know thanks to Mayor Mare that you swapped the cookies.
I will make this particular request (I considered calling it a demand, but I wish to still remain cordial here) very clear: I. Want. My. Cookies. You’re going to send my order to me, in person. Frankly, that’s a ridiculously simple task that even you can accomplish in less than five minutes if you bother to put in a few ounces of effort.
But if you fail to do this task, a few things are going to happen, none of which you’re going to like: first, I’m charging you one bit for every scroll you sent me for various damages from the scrolls you sent. Not so much physical damage, but mostly psychological--my guards haven’t quite prepared themselves for a literal flood of fanfiction, much less stories shipping them with me.
I think if anypony should know that I have an interest in courting my guards, that would be me above all else, not your imaginative and somewhat lewd speculation.
Second, I’ll send all of your fanfiction right back to your home. I realize this might be an unimaginative comeback, but I don’t quite think you have a grasp of how swamped I am at the moment, and the very least I want to do is show you exactly how frustrating this is.
But there is a catch. The third thing I’ll do just before sending those off is I’ll make a copy of all the shipping stories you sent, and send those copies out to the relevant ponies you’ve shipped. I’m sure they’ll be just as receptive to those as I was, especially the ones you’ve written about ponies currently engaged or married. “They could do better,” is a line I’m sure they won’t take offense to at all!
So if you don’t want this storm to come to your cloudy home, I suggest you start flying.
Warning you ‘softly’,
Princess Celestia
Sunny, why are you holding a scroll up to me right now? You know I have thousands more to sort through--
Y-You wrote a story? After seeing a few of those shipping scrolls? Aaaaaalright, fine, I suppose I can read one more.
...Sunny, are you shipping yourself with a croquembouche? You do realize that’s just a sweet mountain of cream puffs, typically shared between other guests?
NO, that does not mean I want to be written into your cream puff story! I don’t care if you think I would ravage that cream puff mountain, even if I most certainly would, that doesn’t mean I’d share one with you!
Wait, no, that’s not what I meant! Sunny, where are you going? SUNNY!
...Well, I really screwed that one up.
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What would Spike do/think if he received this one without anyone else around?
I watched the episode and thought to myself, "Tired Old Man is going to have a FIELD DAY with this episode's letter."
I was not wrong.
Revenge is a dish best served ON THE MOON!
Imagine how it would be like if Luna or Moony got a hoof on Sunny's fanfic.
Sunny: Hey, guys! Check it out! I wrote a new story!
Moony: Really? That's awesome! Can we take a look at it? (reads Sunny's story) (blushes) Oh.... Wow....
Luna: What is this you are looking at? (reads Sunny's story) (blushes) Has Tia seen this yet?
(Sunny shakes her head)
Luna: Have you finished the story yet?
(Sunny shakes her head again)
Luna: Hmm..., I've got an idea on how you can improve your story. Come to my room and I'll show you.
(Luna walks away while Sunny and Moony bounce along with her)
(Meanwhile...)
: (shivers) Something feels terrible, and I feel that it was because of the meeting I had earlier with Sunny....
I can thank 'Master Chef' for knowing exactly what the heck a "croquembouche" is.
I wouldn't mind reading the Fic about the bag of flour and the straw. Curious as to how that turns out.
7483947
Praise be to a show that once had a savory tiramisu that blew Gordon Ramsay's mind.
And lucky you, someone already wrote that affair.
7483570
I paused the episode just to take in the avalanche of articulation that buried Celestia, and thought to myself,
"Welp, here we go again, but BIGGER this time!"
Fernando x Madame Le'flour ?
Lewd
tom stop making this too easy
Was Sunny magiced into existence or baked (or half baked even)?
So, it happened.
Letters from an Irradiated Princess.
CoffeeMinion is actually one of Rainbow Dash's many Fimfiction accounts. Good to know. (Fairly sure I'm not, though. More or less.)
In any case, yeah, messing with the ruler of the country is very much not recommended. Neither is sending her your fan fiction.
Damn Celestia I knew you loved sweets, but making sexual advances on them? That seems a bit much, don't you think? o.o;
7483534 OH goodness Spike getting htem all back, it be like him barffing up Twlight freindship letters all over again *sigh of nostagia*
Spike : "I WANNA LIVE!!"
I'm actually surprised Celestia hasn't added an anti-spam aspect to spikes dragon fire yet.
...or developed a phobia of scrolls.
Does this mean shopping Discord is inclined towards ponies?
That's an act, Celestia - your guards probably write them in their spare time.
And why isnt there a letter to Pinkie asking HOW IN THE STAG A ZOMPONY APOCALYPSE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD IDEA FOR A PRANK!?