Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

Friend Appreciation Day

Author's Note:

What the--no letters written to the Princess for this one? Not even any invitations either? Well, shoot. What am I to do?

Well, I suppose I can just do... something like this. Hope you good folk don't mind.

Dear Granny Smith,

It's that time of the year again, isn't it? I can feel it. The Zap Apples are here, and that means it's time for our yearly gathering.

Ooh, those things are sinfully delicious, moreso when you make them into that tasteful jam. But you and I both know about the other product you make from those. Ah, that tangy Zap Apple Cider's going to be exquisite; I'm going to look forward to that tonight.

I'll bring some aged Merlon Merlot from my private wine cellar. Mayor Mare should bring some of that spicy liquor of hers... what was it called... Flagon's Start? Maggot's Fart? Whatever the name, that's always a good way we end the night.

Except the night we camped out in the Shadewoods last year. That was... well, those woods don't exist anymore, do they? It's a field now, I think. There's still one tree at the top of a hill, but that hardly counts as woods. Shadewood, probably, but that's it.

We'll meet there, and when we drink that last liquor, we’ll keep our distance from that tree.

I'll see you tonight, Granny.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Luna's hovering over my shoulder right now and wants to come. You might want to mentally prepare yourself for her Moonshine.

I mean it.

~~~

Dear Mayor Mare,

Thanks for your report today in letting me know that no incidents occurred in Ponyville. It's the best news I've heard this week. Yes, no news is good news to me.

In regards to your footnote question on what to bring, go ahead and get that spicy liquor you brought last time. Yes, I know we burnt down those woods with it on accident, but at least nothing lived there. Well, nothing larger than a timberwolf, at least. I hope they're not sour over losing that territory of theirs.

Anyway, there's one tree left; I checked earlier this afternoon, and it's standing proud and tall in the sunlight. We won't burn this one down; we'll drink your liquor far away from it. I'd like that tree to still be preserved.

You know where the woods used to be. I'll head out there as soon as Luna raises the moon. Speaking of my sister, she's coming along as well.

"If you haven't tasted true fear yet, you will for ten minutes." That's the warning Luna gave me for her Moonshine. If you can ride that out, awesome. If not, I've packed smelling salts in case you fall asleep. You don't want to be sleeping after drinking it.

Be prepared if you're going to drink it, Mayor. That stuff doesn't joke around.

Your Friend Forever,

Princess Celestia

Oh, I'm fine, Luna. Just trying to purge that horrid nightmare I had when I tried your Moonshine the first time.

Yes, the one with a thousand Pinkies on parade. And the horns! So many horns.

No no, I don't need your sleep therapy solution. It's not a cure-all, and I have salts ready anyway. Trust me, I’m ready for round two.

Comments

[Zaid ValRoa]

Yes, the one with a thousand Pinkies on parade.

There's a reason I didn't watch Dumbo again until I was fourteen.
Those freaking elephants scarred me.

[RazDelacroix]

Oh dear sweet saints and proxies... PINKIES ON PARADE!

[Tired Old Man]

5681295

"scarred"

Not sure if typo with that extra "r" or not.

Works either way.

[Zaid ValRoa]

5681306
Both, actually.
I wasn't too fond of parades after that, either.

[The dragon hunter]

5681298 Oh my gosh...
th08.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2011/295/a/c/pinkie_pie_parade_by_corruptionsolid-d4dku7t.jpg

[ChibiChabot]

5681348 dumbo just got 20% cooler!

[Mad Maudlin]

Well, I guess Luna picked some things up in prison after all. Can she make shanks and play the blues on a harmonica too?

"Prisons okay. You can make sangria in the toilet. 'course it's shank or be shanked."

[BronyWriter]

5681380 I... what? When on Earth did I say that I thought that having more followers made me better than anyone? I'm giving my opinion. And yeah, as the story got better the bits with Luna got better, too. At first they just seemed out of place, though. And let's say that Celestia is using a spell to write down what she's saying. Yeah, I can buy that she'd send off some extra stuff once or twice by accident that way, but the majority of letters? You'd think she'd notice after the first or second time and correct the issue, unless she deliberately wants Twilight to know what is going on with Luna, which would be odd. I don't hate this story. Far from it. But I'm just saying some bits don't make a ton of sense.

[Maxes Altho]

No no, I don't need your sleep therapy solution. It's not a cure-all, and I have salts ready anyway. Trust me, I’m ready for round two.

But Celly! Woona likes using your big stick!

5681399 I want to say she's using the equivalent of the Quick Notes Quill from HP, or whatever the name is, that writes down everything the caster says. Would make it easier to transcribe stuff that way.

[BlueYoshi]

Ooh, Celestia sending a letter to Granny Smith and Mayor Mare? I like that.

5681295

Oh, the Pink Elephants. Those things creeped the hell out of me when I was little, too. And guess what? They returned in House of Mouse. Even MAD HATTER is scared of those things. Luckily, Timothy knew how to handle these things after seeing them the first time and managed to scare them out of existence.

[BronyWriter]

5681418 I get that, but that still doesn't answer why she repeatedly lets them go like that. Again, if she misses it once or twice that's fine, but every time? Either she's dense, or she's intentionally sending these parts to Twilight, neither of which make sense.

[Lord Midnight]

5681499 how about this? She's been writing with her magic like that for a few thousand years. Tell me, how long after you started walking did you stop looking at where you place your feet? She's probably not even looking at the letters as she writes or prereading them before she sends them. Twilight is too much of a... well Twilight to tell her and no one is going to bring it up lest they suffer her wrath. How clumsy would you be if you were immune to pain and damage and had no way to discover you were getting clumsy. It's like that really.

[Emptybee]

What the--no letters written to the Princess for this one? Not even any invitations either? Well, shoot. What am I to do?

Just think of it as practice for season three.

[Tired Old Man]

5681499

Tia actually directly answered you some time ago on this matter, iirc. But to summarize, the quill records her diction as she speaks, and thus includes the half-conversations.

And yes, she's also aware of those half-conversations at the end. The whole reason such words exist on the page is because Tia gets interrupted before she cancels the spell, and prioritizes responding to whoever interrupted her first over sending the letter.

"But why are they kept on the letter? Surely she could just cut off that section with scissors and noone receiving would know."

True. While there is no real reason to leave them in, there's also no important reason to leave them out. To Celestia, the latter matters more, and therefore she doesn't bother to excise that portion unless she believes the extra words leak national secrets... or personal secrets. As neither have happened yet, the messages remain on the paper for your reading enjoyment.

That's probably a very wordy way to say, "Tia's lazy and doesn't bother unless it involves that one time she kissed a toad," but that's how it is.

But if such a time comes where that happens in this story, you'll know.

You'll definitely know.

[Aurora Dimmet]

5681499

The author answered this already in the form of a response from Celestia, in the comments a chapter or couple ago. She uses a dictation quill, and it lags on ending its transcription.

[BronyWriter]

5681952 Well, okey dokey, then. Again, for me it didn't take away from the story too much on the whole, but it was a little jarring. I'm still enjoying it and am going to keep reading.

[Magical Trevor]

Why can't I like this twice?!

[Tired Old Man]

5682209

Hey, so long as you enjoy it, that's all that matters to me.

I'll admit those end bits do seem a bit jarring, though--it's certainly not standard fare for most other letters I've read in here--but I've found myself enjoying writing those moments the most in this. And if I'm reading the other comments in here right, many, many others like them as well. I might as well keep writing more of them.

[fractalman]

5681952
kissed a toad?

[RainCrasher]

As someone from the heart of Moonshine country, I am curious about trying Lunas Moonshine myself now. haha

[Shadow Scryer]

5681348 Oh my… Whoever made that deserves a medal.

And to be locked in a padded cell for the rest of their days. No-one can be prepared for the nightmares that will cause.

[remnants]

Why did you remind me of dumbo.... Freaking nightmare fuel for a five year old

[The Cynical Brony]

5681399 You just seemed to have a pretentious tone in your comment.

[Pinklestia]

Maybe they could lock the pink one in the moon?

[INACTIVE_ACCOUNT]

5794227 And you think that would work?

[Ganein]

Something tells me I'd like to try Luna's Moonshine.

[Emperor]

Apple Bloom lucked out in this 'verse by not having to write a friendship letter. Either Celestia would have been disappointed in her not appreciating her grandma, or she would've traumatised the poor filly by sharing some of her many, many Granny Smith drinking stories.

[Xelos]

"If you haven't tasted true fear yet, you will for ten minutes." That's the warning Luna gave me for her Moonshine. If you can ride that out, awesome. If not, I've packed smelling salts in case you fall asleep. You don't want to be sleeping after drinking it.

I need me some of Luna's Moonshine. That stuff sounds like some good shit!

[ShadowLDrago]

5681348

Oh geez as if the ORIGINAL sequence wasn't nightmarish enough!

[Bojack H]

Luna: when life gives you moon rocks, make muffins, cookies, pies and shines

[Godiswithus3]

5681348 Oh my goodness

[lightningman]

God dammit, I choked on my apple reading this

[Alfoals Trottenbauer]

Smelling salts... Riiiiiight.

[Dashie04]

Luna’s Moonshine: So much alcohol by proof it should be illeagal.

[Emperor Draxgaroth]

9517425
you are making me want to try it