The FUNdamentals of Magic, as Taught by a Substitute Teacher
Greetings and salutations, Not-my-little students! Sunny is here, in the now, as in right here right now, and I’m substituting for Big Sis Celestia today!
Before I begin, I have one thing to say. A great person once said, ‘In learning you will teach, and in teaching you will learn.’ This is amazing because I’m learning how to teach right now, and if you teach me how to teach, you will learn how to learn!
Anyway, welcome to FUNdamentals of magic, where we will put “fun” before “da mental” stuff that comes with thinking about magic and all the cool and awesome things it can do for you, others that are not you, and even things for both! However, you will probably do most magic stuff for you or things you like to do, so don’t get used to using it on others.
First, magic can be many things. It can be zany, refined, wicked, tasty, pompous, old, subtle, special, and a bunch of other adjectives I can’t think of that will be your homework for today. Anypony can use it, even if they don’t have a horn! Though that’s harder to see in action than horn magic most of the time, it’s definitely there! So if you don’t quite see it, that’s fine—just believe in it instead! That will save you a lot of trouble in the long run! Just ask Princess Twilight.
However, a lot of the magic you will see in Equestria is through spells. Yes, the ones in your textbooks written by the big flowy bearded unicorn where the beard takes up the entire cover! Did you know his beard is actually that big? And that he hates the word “scissors” so much he made me swear never to speak that word in his presence again? Well, now you do! So if you have anything to do with scissors, you’ve got a big problem coming if you see him later.
Oh no! You have scissors on your butt?! Don’t worry, we can fix that with some hoof paint later.
Now, there’s some magic spells out there that are bad. Maybe they’re bad because it came from a bad pony. Or maybe they’re bad, but had good intentions lost to time, which you should not find answers to because time travel is weird and creepy and messes with childrens’ minds… like yours. And yours! And especially you, scissor butt! Don’t do it. It may seem enticing, but the next thing you know you’ll be your own father one day, and that makes family gatherings all kinds of confusing!
There are also lots of spells to do things with food, like making cakes without an oven! It’s crazy fast, and also makes many other bakers furious with one little spell, so don’t try to do it in front of ponies that spent years perfecting a skill you can quickie in five seconds. However, also don’t try to make the food sentient and cook itself. That leads to kitchens that you can never use again for a whole month. Or two weeks, if you keep up good behavior!
Anyway, that’s all I have time for today. Please come back tomorrow for more magical lessons, not-my-students! And thank you for learning my learning!
Wait, what do you mean by, “It’s only been three minutes?” That’s the perfect time to stop since I stop listening to myself after three minutes, and so do many other ponies! It’s weird, but… normal?? Just go have your free time or recess, or turn some papayas into pom grannies!
~~~
So, I have been informed by the other teachers that three minutes is quote ‘that’s not long enough. Also, please don’t take our break room coffee maker. We only have one—’ unquote. On that note, this is not a coffee maker. It’s a cocoa maker! Who wants some hot cocoa?!
Yes, yes! Me too! All in good time, students! But first, since more teaching needs to happen, let’s learn about lots and lots of magic animals, okay?
We have lots of weird and interesting creatures in our world, like cave dogs that dig a bunch, cats that sing musical numbers, birds that are on fire, and bigger birds that are not on fire! There’s also big birds that talk and like shiny money, and I think they also turn into fish sometimes??
...Wait, no, those are the hippos! My mistake.
We’ve also got tiny dragons, not-so-tiny dragons, and dragons bigger than all of your houses stacked on top of each other! I bet there are dragons so big you could build a house or even a castle on one if you wanted to!
They might not like that though...unless you pay rent in gems?? I’ll need to ask that fiery lady in the dragon land about how that works.
Speaking of gems, there are many shiny and not-shiny artifacts that are also magical! Things like brooches, amulets, some old satyr skulls, and this half of an eggshell that always smells like year-old mayonnaise no matter how much you clean it! You won’t smell it though, since this display case is airtight.
Which also means it’s perfectly safe to pass around! Here you go, scissor butt. Don’t drop it. I mean it!
Anyway, these items range from mundane to super powerful and are capable of doing wonderful or terrible things. They can provide shelter from crazy weather and protect the world from devastation, or make summer crazy long and melt all of the ice cream in Equestria and beyond! Nopony wants that, especially me—I smell something.
Scissor butt. Did you crack my egg case?
Oh animal crackers! Everypony, it’s time for an emergency stink bomb drill! Don’t worry, Princess Cadance taught me how to handle this.
Who has a spare diaper?!
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Wat.
What did I even read?
I love this.
o sunny
She seems like a fun teacher.
And so, Sunny was never allowed to teach again.
She was perfectly fine with this decision and proceeded to go straight to the kitchen to bake a new husband.
About as comprehensible as any other canon explanation for how Equestrian magic works.
Scissor butt. Snips. Gotcha.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=lyrics+i%27m+my+own+grandpa+spike+jones&&view=detail&mid=1F4D17DF46397F72059D1F4D17DF46397F72059D&&FORM=VDRVRV
Oh Sunny, you silly pony.
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If you mean the source, there was (I believe) an internet short featuring Princess Celestia teaching a bunch of foals (and the viewer) about Equestrian magic. It's on YouTube somewhere.
I'm picturing a classroom of students staring wide-eyed at Sunny and thinking, "I have no idea what's going on right now".
Still better than any class taught by that neighsay chap. What a speciesist twat.
Who knew Sunny would be such an interesting teacher??
Not that I dislike Sunny or anything, but...is this how she'll be for the rest of her infinitely-prolonged life? Because I can see everyone getting fed up eventually.
8818420
8817236
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HglM5ZmhUNE&list=PLNXV9Mb7egjHTtcBcD9tjxDv1Te5Pu3FJ&index=4 (not in order)
I recommend not watching them for the (alleged) informational content, though the animation's interesting.
8819592
Agreed, Neighsayer strikes me as the type who would outright try to fail students for the most asinine reasons: "you were 2 seconds late", "you missed 1 question on this insanely difficult quiz" or even just out of spite: "how dare you show me up in class(made a very small correction) I am the teacher not you!" and so forth. Not even Twilght was ever that bad, at least when well rested and not under a ton of stress, real or self-concocted. Strict teacher you bet your cutie mark, but at least she'd probably take you aside after class to figure things out.