Letters from an Irritated Princess

by Tired Old Man

It's Not Time I'm Worried About

Warden Pyre Fly,

You own the worst guard dog in the history of guard dogs. Maybe even the worst dog, period.

In case my student hasn't made it clear to you, your three-headed mongrel found himself in Ponyville today. I don't know what your handlers do in their spare time, but it clearly isn't learning how to track a dog the size of a stagecoach, or doing anything to get him back. How you managed to hire those two ponies as competent dog handlers when they can barely control their bladders in Tartarus is beyond my comprehension.

They're clearly not taking care of him either, according to Mayor's report. Other eyewitnesses at the time pointed out how irritated he appeared, and were it not for Fluttershy's intervention, he would have bitten somepony. You're lucky he succumbed to her belly rubs, or else I would be forwarding lawsuits to you right now.

I know you have a ton on your plate, but mistreatment of an intimidating animal sitting between Equestria and the demons of Tartarus should be more than a passing thought. It should be one of your top priorities, and the fact that it isn't has me wondering what exactly you ARE prioritizing, Warden.

Actually, I don't have to wonder. Permission to refurbish your bathroom to the standard of the Bits Hotel is denied. You have more pressing matters to attend to besides wiping your own arse, like saving it right now.

Treat Cerberus with the care and respect he deserves, and keep him on a tight leash. He's one of the few reasons the prisoners stay in Tartarus for good reason. Do not neglect that reason, or else we'll have hell to pay.

And if I hear anything about him escaping again, YOU will be put on a tight leash, understand? And for gods' sakes, will you give him something to play with?! My student got him back with a ball, so give him a ball pit or something to play in!

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia

P.S. Hire new handlers. The current ones you have are more useless than the dog. This is not an order, but a strong advisory suggestion.

Also, look into him not having that belly rub weakness around the prisoners. If any of them catch wind of it, you're going to hear about it from me. In person.

Comments

[silvadel]

I wouldn't like to be Pyre Fly, when it becomes obvious that Tirek got out.

[user123]

5729196
yeah, he will be so screwed, the bronze banana looks like a tiny rubber ball compared to his punishment.

[Tired Old Man]

5729196

I can see it now, one very scared Warden fearing for his life as Tia's voice echoes in Tartarus.

"Waaardeeen? Warden! Come out, come ooout! Brutus and I want to have a nice talk with you!"

[Spiritus Arcane]

, you're going to hear about it from me. In person.

She'll have plenty of time to chew him out when Tirek makes her an honorary inmate.

[LeopardCay]

I wonder if he'd like another dog...
th02.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/i/2014/109/c/3/orthros_humping_rainbow_dash_by_jeatz_axl-d7f5joe.png

[Br2nd66]

what is brutus made from

is he from the forest of living steel trees

I literally just made that up but it would be awesome

[BlueYoshi]

Yeah, I would NOT want to be the Warden in this situation.

[Brony Soprano]

5729377 Neither would I, especially since I doubt this Celestia is speaking figuratively when she threatens to have him leashed.

[Iron Sky]

So why a dog, with a weakness for thrown balls and belly rubs?

Why not a massive fortress with round the clock guard rotations? Every kind of motion sensor they can devise, for early warning? Fixed cannons pointed at the entrance to Tartarus?

[Tired Old Man]

5729429

"Well, obviously guards do exist in the prison, and they run a tight ship down there most of the time. They have to. They're guarding the most notorious, most vicious criminals in there.

Cerberus is a keystone, however, because nobody in there, and I mean NOBODY, wants to be his chew toy. There hasn't been a need to upgrade security because that dog's been a good enough deterrent for the prisoners to not even try.

Cerberus is one of the top three reasons not to escape Tartarus, the second being thrown in the Pit of Screaming Souls for trying and failing. The third? Taco Tuesday."

~Celestia

[Ri2]

5729545 That's reason enough for Sonata to break in.

[Meep the Changeling]

So here's a question. How many exits are there from Tartarus? Because you realy only need to guard the exit of a prison when it's a separate dimension like that. Hay, you could do it all from the Prime Material's side. Make sure the gate tot he place is the single hardest thing to get though piriod. That or you could, since I assume prisoners sent there are not candidates for release, weld them into their cells. As in encase their body in a steel statue of them preventing motion and line of sight. I'm certain that would do the trick.

If that's too expensive you could also just do the changeling thing and mummify them in ductape until you have a 2 meter diameter ball of tape.

[Leoshi]

5729429 Didn't Men in Back 3 have a prison to that effect? Taken down by a little creativity and a compliment of incompetent guards, if I recall. What's more, such a prison was built on the moon, specially to house one prisoner.

Hm, maybe there already is one up there. Let's ask Luna.

Speaking of her, where is she this letter?

[MythrilMoth]

Did I detect a potshot at Aaron Schock in this one?

[Tired Old Man]

5729914

Watching that play out right now is like watching bees get pissed over a bear allegedly taking their honey; it doesn't matter if he did or not, the bees are still pissed anyway at the notion.

[MustacheMerlin]

5729429 Because then the inmates would never get out, and what's the fun in that?

[DrayceAdrestria]

A year plus from now, The Warden has improve the security, replace the puppy handlers, and gotten rid of that annoying stomach rub weakness. Oh Celestia what are you going to do?

[Aurora Dimmet]

Actually I'm fairly sure Cerberus is Celestia's. In the background during one point either during that episode or after (while in the library) there was a lost dog poster looking for Cerberus and saying to contact Princess Celestia.

[Kage no Brony]

5731537

Of course, it also could just mean that Celestia needs to know Tartarus is unguarded, and have nothing to do with ownership.

[Aurora Dimmet]

5732664

Then why is it a poster in the form a lost dog flyer? Whoever made the flyer should have just gone to tell a guard that Cerberus was loose and Tartarus' gates stood open. The guard would then go and tell a courier or a superior who could get emergency clearance to break in on Celestia's schedule to inform her of a serious issue such as that. Y'know?

[Tired Old Man]

5732721

"That would be his 'clever' way of indirectly telling me the dog's missing. He's not one for direct confrontation, but that is no excuse when the keystone to prison security is missing.

Also, he knows that I'd deliver that dog ASAP as soon as someone contacted me. It's the one somewhat-smart thing he did in this whole incident, but it doesn't make up for the mountain of stupid that is his negligence."

~Celestia

[Kage no Brony]

5732721

Alternatively, if Cerberus is Celestia's, Tartarus' gates are still unguarded, and Celestia neglected to mobilize the guard, and instead printed lost dog fliers.

So either it's because someone else wanted to avoid having Celestia chew them out, or because Celestia herself is so criminally negligent as to ignore the prison containing the worst known threats in the history of the world being unguarded.

[ShadeJak]

Can't wait for the Ponyville Confidential one, there's gotta be a story behind that picture Featherweight got of Celestia's stuffing herself with cakes almost as tall as herself

[jdb1984]

Cerebus gets an extra hour in the new ball pit

[Pinklestia]

Also, Tirek escaped.

[Railyn]

5735699 What's an aardvark doing in the ball pit?

[kooarbiter]

5735699

that joke... is too old

[Emperor]

Rather disappointed the letter is to the Warden and focuses pretty much entirely on Cerberus and Tartarus.

Wasted opportunity even to not link Fluttershy in this episode to her whole assertiveness issue from the prior episode. Between petting Cerberus, giving the bear a massage in Lesson Zero, and beating up Rainbow Dash with ease in Dragon Quest, there's a strong case of Crouching Scaredy-pony, Hidden Badass.

[Tatsurou]

5732936
Alternatively, as soon as she realized he was missing, she put something else there - something equally intimidating but, unfortunately, less efficient - and then settled with the lost dog posters in order to avoid causing a nation wide panic knowing that the primary guard for the Gates of Tartarus was MIA.

[Garrus01]

"Pyre Fly"? Do I detect a Final Fantasy X reference here?

[Bojack H]

You know putting all your prisoners in one easily escapable aligory to hell is not a very good idea

[booklover41]

5729285 wonder if Brutus the Branch knows Tom the Boulder