Captain Spitfire,
I need to clarify something, for both your sake and mine.
When the Wonderbolts came to me and asked for funding to build an academy, I was elated at the idea. Ecstatic, even. A place where prospective Wonderbolt candidates can go to learn to be part of one of the largest and important flying squads in all of Equestria? How could I refuse such a forward-thinking motion that ensures the Wonderbolts remain mighty and numbering tens of hundreds strong in times of crisis?
So of course I approved it, and within a few months, the Academy was built and decked out with all the training gear you needed. Wingpower meters, giant fans, storm generators and various other weather machines that service just as well as the factory in Cloudsdale. The whole project was nothing short of a dream turned reality before our very eyes. And with you and your team heading the Academy, plus some supplemental staff here and there, I foresaw nothing but great things to come.
Cut to twenty years later, and despite some noteworthy attendance, I noticed that the number of Wonderbolts hadn't changed one bit. I figured it was a slow start on your part--surprising, given the nature of your performances in towns across the land. Or perhaps the students that attended simply hadn't met your rigorous standards to become one of the few that could soar above all others.
But surely some results would come once Rainbow Dash joined the Academy. I knew how skilled a flyer she was, and expected her to be one of your top students to become a Wonderbolt within just a few months.
Six months later, and nothing happened. So either Rainbow Dash had less intelligence than a cloud, or something was seriously wrong with how the Academy functioned. I chose the latter, and today I did some digging around in a copy of your curriculum and class procedures.
Nowhere in any of the school material, paperwork, or even embossed on the toilet paper rolls are there any mentions of students attending the Academy actually joining a place where they are a Wonderbolt. Not just learning about becoming one, but actually becoming one. In other words, the Academy never set up any Reserves program.
In. Twenty. Years.
Imagine if my School for Gifted Unicorns had taught everything one should know about magical theory, but not how to apply it to anything. All the magic training is available, but I don't offer a place or career path where their skills might see the best use, and failing that, some alternatives that might see them living fulfilling lives their way. That, Captain Spitfire, is what this stagnant Wonderbolt Academy has been doing this whole time.
And you're going to fix this. Right now. Set up a Wonderbolts Reserves program, have some students take some test to try and get in it, and get me some results I can smile at regarding your Academy's standing, for once. If you don't, I'll pull out my funding of the Academy and sort out another solution to choosing Wonderbolts at my discretion. Needless to say, but I will be cleaning house if that happens.
Make my investment in this place worthwhile, Spitfire, because right now, it's as worthless as a tree that bears no fruit. And I am holding an axe.
Best regards,
Princess Celestia
What the--Luna, where did you get all of those military medals?
Okay, no, I guess there's no expressly written rule Alicorns can't join multiple branches of the military, but seriously, the Seaponies? Did you do the song?
NEVERMIND, don't sing it. So, what's next on your badge hunt?
Uh, I'd hold off on the Wonderbolts for a little bit. They have some issues they need to work out veeery soon.
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Is it wrong that I often misread the title as "Letters from an Irradiated Princess"? Also, could somebody make that a thing?
That certainly explains why Dash hasn't become a Wonderbolt yet. I figured it was a matter of national security—she's kind of essential for various friendship-based superweapons—but no mechanisms for making new Wonderbolts also makes sense. Well, except for turnover. I assume. Twenty years is a long time for top-tier athletes.
5995491
Celestia is the princess of an enormous fusion reactor. Does that count?
5995491 It already is a thing. That's why she had to put her brain into the computer.
fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/358/2/7/ask_littlepip__chess_by_spikeshi-d4k48mh.jpg
5995512
Fun Fact: I didn't even watch a full minute of the episode--didn't even see the theme sequence--and I hit a point that would frustrate Tia: a line spoken by Twilight of the "newly-formed" Wonderbolt Reserves.
And that's how this letter was born.
5995553 is this related to a story or just more fallout equestria fan art?
The song? THE SONG?! NOOOOO!!!!
5995491 A new Fallout Equestria spin off? Sounds great.
5995674 Related to the comment.
This was something i considered and the only thing i could think of is that the Wonderbolts have a set number of personnel. They only hire up when one retires or dies. This would make all of them older ponies still trying to hang onto their youth without any new blood making them look bad.
The writers do seem to be dumbing Rainbow down a bit more, each season.
Season 1, she's reckless and impulsive, but still very competent.
Season 2 explored her insecurities about how others perceived her. She's not dumb, she just wants recognition for her athleticism, before all else.
Season 3, Wonderbolts Academy seems like the turning point. She was easily talked into endangering the other cadets, a couple times. It can be handwaved away as her wanting to show off for Spitfire.
Then her characterization went steadily downhill in season 4. In Testing Testing 1, 2, 3, she's depicted as some kind of idiot savant, who can't memorize a couple paragraphs from a book about her favorite subject. Then in Trade Ya, she's easily talked into bartering Fluttershy for a Daring Do book. Don't even get me started on Fluttershy's characterization, there.
Season 5.
cdn.meme.am/images/4274819.jpg
derpicdn.net/img/2013/6/6/341393/large.png
Well this certainly was a most serious chapter than the rest. I've noticed that there has been a lot of negativity towards Spitfire recently. Especially after the Equestrian games. Honestly, I'm starting to think that her position has gone to her head or the fact that she's afraid of losing it due to her recent blunders. Nightmare Moon and Discord, no show. Spike gone Godzilla, knocked over like flies. Cloudsdale Event, knocked out again by Rarity. Equestria Games, knocks off Soarin. Something is amiss here...
Hmm, this is a very nice take on why Rainbow Dash has to take a test in order to become a Wonderbolt.
This needs correction. The placement of "prospective" before a noun means "in hopes of becoming this thing". Therefore, this particular phrasing means "in homes of becoming a pegasus", not "Wonderbolts hopefuls" as you intended.
Wingpower meters, maybe?
5996176
Two corrections suggested, two implemented. Thanks, Moth.
5996193 Happy to help
(IMHO) Celestia is far, far too soft on the WBs... then again, she let them do whatever they wanted for two decades of no oversight.
They are celebrities.. and yet they suck in actual combat and rescue operations (they get knocked out by rarity, and owned by spike). Maybe they shine later in the show, didnt see it past S3 i think. If they are elite.. they are very good at being flashy.
Kinda like nobles.
When you expect them to produce several hundred expert flyers for all sort of fields + the military over 20 years and only get (not get.. stay with) a troupe of acrobats (that you started with).. do you really want to keep the current ponies in there in control of what follows? They just know how to make a show, play celebrity and live off royal funds.
Then again.. when that lady is angry and lets you know.. Maybe that's a good enough motivator.
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/298/2/2/celestia_eating_a_banana_by_2snacks-d5iw4vc.gif
The alternative might be unpleasant.
Fun chapter! Keep the spice flowing.
5996643 ...You genius bastard.
5996643
I think you mean she carved her own image into the moon and hurled the removed rocks at Celestia for a thousand years.
Celestia then used the boulders that came flying at her everyday to build the mountain that Canterlot sits upon.
Talk about resourceful and creative multipurpose results of sibling rivalry.
Grammer Nazi AWAY!
5995674 Goodness no, my only point was an irradiated princess existed already, no need to make that a thing here. Damn Zebras.
5996779 first of all, I know everyone you would get to come after us. They like me better.
(sry that was begging for a Danny Ocean quote)
5997281
Said almost. (And the youngest you're allowed is 13. and I was 13 then. 14 now though.) And some guys on here are, oh, i dunno, in their 20's. They should have a young people group.
i completely agree with Celestia, will she kick Spitfire out after the jerk move they do to Dash later?
5997223
Years of attempting to politely enlighten people to their own cultist status and show them, prove to them, that the situation they're pissing on or the character they're hating on is not how they think it to be, with all due logic, personal experiences both first and second hand, personal psychological studies and quotable studies done professionally, character comparisons, context clues, the whole nine yards - have only ended up in being pointlessly ganged up on and attacked by slavering idiots or the assured-attendance-but-still-a-rarity asshole pseudo-intellectual who uses broken logic that doesn't even apply to try and back up why their character is infallible and anyone who doesn't think they're perfection incarnate is a dick.
Years of that, and I just stopped caring. No one wants to hear the truth, they want to supplant reality with their own childish fantasies and say that this is what is real, this is what is true. I still remember before Luna Eclipsed when the NLR was in full swing, brainwashing people by the dozen to believe Celestia was some sort of jealous tyrant and Luna/Nightmare Moon were her victims (and they actually believed this, not just acknowledged headcanon!) I spent months trying to get them to see reason and was only met with gang-tactics and brutality. I've gotten death-threats for saying I wasn't a fan of Spike, and it's easy to tell how hard the man-children project themselves onto Spike to the point he starts becoming a reader-avatar or author-avatar, he's a canon OC by this point in the community. Criticize Luna or Fluttershy, you get swamped and attacked. Say you understood the message of Mare-Do-Well and Dash deserved being knocked down a few pegs to keep her from going off the deep end and getting ponies hurt or killed? Suddenly you're an idiot and being downvote-bombed.
All to be expected, there's often a lack of maturity in fandoms, especially over the internet. But they seem to see it as a tacit sign of acceptance of their treatment of you if you back away politely to avoid confrontation, whereas if you take the brewing argument by the reins and ride them down with it, you can quash the problem with little effort or fuss in most cases. Different strokes, however - I can only speak from experience and what works for me.
5997007
none pizza with left mineral
5996900 I dunno, my mental image of "Letters from an Irradiated Princess" would be more like "Blurghblorp wuuuurgh muck whuffle"
5997566 That would be letters from a zombie princess.
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH....
5996922 Somehow I highly doubt that, seeing as I've saved their asses on more than one occasion... But that's neither here nor there.
5998997 this joke has stagnated due to lack of new info.
It has died.
It is dead and gone.
Moving on.
5999371
so your saying the jokes beating a dead horse?
5996349 Up until the Academy episode, I'd have argued that all canon portrayals are that the Wonderbolts are a military flight demonstration team like the Navy's Blue Angels or the Air Force's Thunderbolts; they're small because they're just one flying squadron from the larger Equestrian military. The Academy is the first piece of canon to substantially contradict this viewpoint; the Wonderbolt name appears to actually apply to the entire air component of the Equestrian military, but we don't see enough Wonderbolts for this to really make sense.
One possibility would be that the Wonderbolts are the flight demonstration team, but they double as training cadre for military reserves and the Academy is named after them for publicity reasons; successfully completing the Academy substantially increases your chance of being recruited as a Wonderbolt, but it's not Wonderbolt training per se. Remember, we never actually saw Rainbow Dash graduate from the Academy; the close of that episode showed Spitfire rejecting her resignation and promoting her to lead. All we strictly know is that Rainbow returns to Ponyville at some point afterwards; she's clearly not an active-duty Wonderbolt, but she also clearly didn't fail out -- it's kind of a plot hole.
6024021 To be fair, Rainbow Dash did explicitly state she would be gone for two weeks. I think it's safe to assume Dash remained there for the whole two weeks.
That short time period is also good evidence to why the Academy isn't really a training grounds that guarantees a place in the Wonderbolts. What kind of boot camp trains for two weeks? Unless I'm completely wrong and that's normal, but I'm pretty darn sure I'm not.
But yeah I wouldn't say plothole as much as the writers figuring we'd just figure that Dash didn't flunk out. After all that she'd been through it's pretty hard to see her doing so.
5998217
Um. How does one go about reporting a comment on FIMFiction? Hello Author? Please delete this one. Please?
6009932 That was, as they say in the mint states of Woolovia, baaaaaaad
If we didn't already know the outcome, I would have said Splitsfire is about to become Misfire.
I'm gonna do it.
*transforms into Siren because logic*
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING CONTENT IS CENSORED, BECAUSE 100% OF READERS FIND IT DISTURBING. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRESION.
Shoo-bi-doo, shoop-shoo-bi-doo!
*instant anger and hatred breaks out*
(Plot twist: I wasn't a Siren )
5995491
The Fallout Equestria version of this?
8140094
I'd read it.
It's amazing what new content just throws in the faces of fan writers. Like, even the stuff you'd reasonably believe to hold its own ground by default just gets defenestration like it's a hallmark of insanity.