Dear Residents of Restaurant Row,
Finally. It took all of you this long to actually make some decent grub in my city that didn’t taste like eating shoe leather covered in a dab of creme fraiche. At last I can stop attending coffee shops, doughnut parlors and Cinnamon Chai’s delectable bakery and actually get some variety that extends beyond typical breakfast and dessert fare.
Honestly, did it occur to any of you why I didn’t eat at these “highly-rated” restaurants serving only the “best” cuisine according to the words of a pony that’s no more qualified to critique a meal than a common tourist regardless of how important she feels her word is? Even I, as a princess, have no more sway in qualifying a meal than a pony that prefers her food to be as bland and tasteless as her sex life. Yet you treat her word and only her word as the be-all, end-all of fine dining in Canterlot.
Really, who relies on the word of a single pony for a restaurant recommendation these days? How is it that my city doesn’t understand the concept of second opinions and individuality after all this time? It took a fashion-forward mare to open the eyes of the Canterlot elite to a broader view of unique clothing options, yet nopony seemed to notice the unique corner bistros and bakeries all because of a single critic’s bizarre taste in food.
Yet… ironically said fashion mare almost ruined things by advocating some equal, bland conformity for food and also putting too much faith in a friend’s word when they were a disrespectful friend. At least, this is according to Zesty’s review of a place called Tasty Treats, who now considers her friendship with Rarity to be as palatable as a bucket of color dye. I don’t know about you, but that response seems far too salty for her palate.
But what do I know? I’m just a pony critic.
But back to you lot on Restaurant Row. Surely now you understand the necessities of gauging the true value of criticism that is not just from a single mind with singular tastes. This is not to say that her words aren’t completely useless--subtlety is a good factor when used properly in your cuisine, and can make a meal more exquisite if pulled off correctly. However, subtlety is truly admired when used in conjunction with other actual flavors.
Subtle taste, on its own, contributes nothing substantial. That’s the point of subtlety, and it receives true appreciation when the food already tastes great without it, but fantastic with it. It does not grant considerable improvement on bland taste from the outset because… Well, that should be obvious. I hope that’s not being too subtle.
So don’t incorporate subtleties in your food… or do. It doesn’t make a huge impact either way. But do keep your food individualized and unique, and maybe show what makes your restaurant yours, and not a critic’s. Do this and maybe I might actually take a walk down Restaurant Row and eat a flavorful meal with more of an impact than a leftover crumb of a garlic crouton sitting on my lips after eating salad.
Yes, I really do eat salad. Please keep that in mind and don’t assume I’ll default to your dessert menu like every other restaurant I’ve visited. I appreciate variety.
Thanks in advance,
Princess Celestia
Sunny! Moony?! Goodness, calm down!
I can’t quite make out what you’re saying with all this blubbering… ah, I’ll just use this. Now, why are you two crying?
"Gourd R-R-Raspberry. We… We wanted some critique on a few moon goods, and found out he’s a really good critic.”
I see. And what was his judgment?
“He-he-he said our moon scones tasted like a--hic--bucking scorched meteorite!"
“And o-our sweet biscuits wouldn’t even be worthy to feed his dog!”
“He even called us donkeys! DONKEYS! We’re not donkeys, we’re ponies!”
That’s… uh, not what he meant by that, Sunny. But did he tell you what was wrong with the food?
“Y...Yes.”
Then I’d like to try your treats as well. I’ll give you my feedback, then you try making it again.
“Bu-But what if we mess it up again?! I don’t want to get yelled at!”
Don't worry about it. I’ll have a chat with Gourd before your second batch is done. And if you do mess up, just try it again until you get it right! Now, let me try those scones and biscuits first!
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Lemme guess, he ripped you to pieces, yeah, he does that, only unlike other critics, he can actually tell you WHAT you did wrong so that you can improve. He's just very harsh when he does so.
Something tells me Gourd is about to get...spoken to.
7301290
Also he's actually incredibly good with kids, which Sunny and Moony certainly come across as in all of their mannerisms. On that Junior Masterchef thing he was basically the Kitchen Dad.
Gourd dealing with 2 Celestias. I'd love to see that
7301318
Never seen that, never cared for cooking shows. But I can see it, he may act angry all the time, but even he can't be angry 24/7.
That's the best name for Ramsay pony I've seen thus far. Personally, I thought about calling him Raw Bar, just for the irony, but Gourd Raspberry definitely works.
And yeah, the thing about a boycott is that it takes a lot of ponies to work, even if one of those ponies is the ruler of the nation. Of course, that could be a case of excessive subtlety in criticism. If Celestia had said something... well, knowing Zesty, she'd probably question the princess's credentials. Which I'd actually love to see.
Giving Gordon a pony name just seems ridiculous to me personally considering we all know who he is. Just seems like giving him a pony name for the sake of a pony name.
7301328
Gordon isn't close to angry 24/7 of the time.
He'll yell at you if you're a professional chef (you'll cook for money) but whatever you put out is subpar or whatever restaurant you're at is pulling out shoddy practices (Like microwaving or serving frozen food). Either that or you're an incredibly arrogant cook.
Masterchef (not just Junior) gives a far more balanced outlook on Gordon as he's nowhere near a jerk towards Home Cooks as he realizes these people aren't cooking for money but as a hobby. He'll only turn into angry Gordon during service challenges.
7301495
Fair enough.
7301495
I'm pretty sure we all knew who J. Jonah Jameson was too, yet they gave that pony the name Buried Lede...
At least Raspberry didn't slam on your food with his hoof and said, "IT'S RAAAAAAAAAAW!" Or did he?
Anyways, I'm thinking that Celestia will also write a letter to Zesty about her bland choice of food.
"Even I, as a princess, have no more sway in qualifying a meal than a pony that prefers her food to be as bland and tasteless as her sex life."
Best. Insult. Ever.
I'm surprised they didn't name the episode something like variety is the spice of life, maybe it's been done so much that it's bland. I suppose naming it something like that wouldn't have panned out so well. I mean oventially they will have to try a new fresh style or the writer's gooses will be fried.
I don't know why, and I have no evidence to support this, but for some reason I feel like she is talking about her sister.
7302044 Carlos!
7301495 Yeah. In fact, one episode of Kitchen Nightmares had him straight up love the food. He himself was delightedly shocked, and the cook pretty much burst into tears of joy. It was heartwarming, in a way.
These days, I'm more partial to Almond Brownie than Gourd Raspberry.
(I really need to see a 'Cutthroat Kitchen' story at some point ... or just create one myself, otherwise.)
I was just catchibg up and I thought of a very tragic/dark and/or sad idea. What if Sunny and Moony had a magic sparring match and accidently hit each other at the same time with the mirror pool spell?
7303507 I don't think they know that spell.
7307060 doesn't mean they can't learn it and not realise what it will do to them
7307457 I doubt it'd just be scribbled down somewhere. Few ponies even know about the mirror pool. Besides, such a spell would be labelled.
7309353 you are forgetting about Twilight Sparkle who gave three eccentric fillies a book about hearts and hooves day containing a recipe for a very potent love potion/poison. I could definately see her letting them borrow a book containing some obscure reference to the spell. Especially since celestia considers her quite incompetent in this.
So long as she didn't touch your favorite bar-hopping spots, eh, Your Majesty?
7309597 ...shit.
Oh, now I get, why this story is on hiatus.
Poor Celestia tried their food, and now she is... temporarily unavailable to write anymore letters.
7309353
Didn't it come from that book Twilight found on the mirror pool? Which means it is written down.
One thing I've concluded from this episode is that ponies for whatever reason have the same tastebud layout as humans, in spite of their vastly different diets. I feel that this was the only thing they ever got right in Monster Musume (with Centorea gushing over a celery and white bread sandwich), and it also helps to explain the violent flavor that is the Indian vegetarian diet (in addition to all other human diets heavily influenced by the inclusion of strong herbs and/or peppers). Ponies, however, would logically have more problems with the *portion size* provided under the critic's instruction than the lack of flavor.