Dear Rainbow Dash,
I thought that you matured somewhat over the years. Sure, you had some ups and a lot of downs, but you were growing and becoming a better pony day by day, step by step. Becoming a Wonderbolt surely had to be a leap ahead for you, and I imagined it would lead to nothing but forward progression.
What I did not envision was this leap being so huge, you thought you could afford to take a few steps backward. So far back, in fact, that I did not expect to be struck with a storm of scrolls, a plethora of parchment, waves upon waves of words!
Yes, words. I’m still reading all of these scrolls you had Spike send. It’s… It’s just--HOW MUCH do you write in your spare time?! I’ve probably read at least twelve full-length Daring Do fanfictions, two hundred-plus shipping stories and counting (never in my life did I think I’d read a tragic romance between a bag of flour and a straw until today), a list of minor home improvement tasks graciously penned by Twilight, a smaller shopping list consisting of nothing but tortoise food and cider penned by you, and a note reminding you to read a note you posted on the side of your fridge.
You might want to look into that last one. I just opened up a note telling you to look at the note you wrote on the front of your fridge saying you should check the side of the fridge. This is a bizarre trail of cookie crumbs you’re leaving for yourself, a step-by-step treasure map to… oh I don’t know, a giant cookie stash?
Seriously, Rainbow Dash. Where are the filly scout cookies? I special ordered a half-dozen boxes to be delivered to my doorstep that haven’t shown up tonight, and I know thanks to Mayor Mare that you swapped the cookies.
I will make this particular request (I considered calling it a demand, but I wish to still remain cordial here) very clear: I. Want. My. Cookies. You’re going to send my order to me, in person. Frankly, that’s a ridiculously simple task that even you can accomplish in less than five minutes if you bother to put in a few ounces of effort.
But if you fail to do this task, a few things are going to happen, none of which you’re going to like: first, I’m charging you one bit for every scroll you sent me for various damages from the scrolls you sent. Not so much physical damage, but mostly psychological--my guards haven’t quite prepared themselves for a literal flood of fanfiction, much less stories shipping them with me.
I think if anypony should know that I have an interest in courting my guards, that would be me above all else, not your imaginative and somewhat lewd speculation.
Second, I’ll send all of your fanfiction right back to your home. I realize this might be an unimaginative comeback, but I don’t quite think you have a grasp of how swamped I am at the moment, and the very least I want to do is show you exactly how frustrating this is.
But there is a catch. The third thing I’ll do just before sending those off is I’ll make a copy of all the shipping stories you sent, and send those copies out to the relevant ponies you’ve shipped. I’m sure they’ll be just as receptive to those as I was, especially the ones you’ve written about ponies currently engaged or married. “They could do better,” is a line I’m sure they won’t take offense to at all!
So if you don’t want this storm to come to your cloudy home, I suggest you start flying.
Warning you ‘softly’,
Princess Celestia
Sunny, why are you holding a scroll up to me right now? You know I have thousands more to sort through--
Y-You wrote a story? After seeing a few of those shipping scrolls? Aaaaaalright, fine, I suppose I can read one more.
...Sunny, are you shipping yourself with a croquembouche? You do realize that’s just a sweet mountain of cream puffs, typically shared between other guests?
NO, that does not mean I want to be written into your cream puff story! I don’t care if you think I would ravage that cream puff mountain, even if I most certainly would, that doesn’t mean I’d share one with you!
Wait, no, that’s not what I meant! Sunny, where are you going? SUNNY!
...Well, I really screwed that one up.