• Member Since 22nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen January 7th

Elric of Melnipony


Ask your doctor about DERPIPONE(TM)!

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This story is a sequel to Adventures in Currency Exchange: the REAL Conversion Bureau


Another day at (and in some cases, away from) one of those most helpful government agencies available to humans who end up in Equestria through no fault of their own. Whatever you have, they'll take it, give you shiny bits in return, and then get your money back to your universe where it belongs! (Why nopony offers to use the field agent portals to send humans home is never discussed, for some reason.)

Chapters (1)
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No one asked for it! No one demanded it! But here it is anyway: pure, distilled essence of badfic, satirized for your protection and diluted with enough water to keep you from going blind. In addition to the two terrible and wildly unoriginal shots that have been available separately on Elric's blog, this collection contains a previously untasted third chug of intentionally painful and derivative awfulness. (Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of bad fanfiction.)

Universally admired original characters, show characters acting out of character, stupid names, implausible shipping, gratuitous tragedy, and more -- it's all right here. Read if you dare.

Any resemblance between these OCs and any other OCs, living or dead, is purely coincidental maliciously intentional.

Chapters (3)
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He's misanthropic, anti-social, lazy, shallow, and kind of a jerk. He's also not very bright. So why on Earth -- any Earth -- would a complete stranger expend the magical energy necessary to shove him into another reality, give him unfathomable power, and grant his every last wish?

Why indeed...


As requested, here's my parody of the second-worst thing to ever happen to fanfiction.* The cover art is only tangentially related, but it amuses me, so I'll keep it unless something better comes along. (A talented artist who loathes this ponyfic sub-genre as much as I do might attempt at some point to draw the main character in all his gear, but I'm not counting on it.)

*The number one spot goes to Erika "Snowqueens Icedragon" Mitchell, a/k/a E.L. James.

Chapters (3)
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Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, humans were suddenly all over the freakin' place.

Legends said nothing but horrible things about them, and that the only way to deal with a human was to make them no longer be a human. First contact showed otherwise, and cooler heads prevailed. The newly-organized Transmogrification department was gutted, with most of the agents sent to work elsewhere. Many government employees were organized to help the humans settle in; the best and brightest got to work at the extremely challenging job of calculating multiversal exchange rates so that human cash could be traded in for bits.

Now, for the first time ever, you can see what it's like to work at the Conversion Bureau.
(Don't forget to upvote if you fave!)


This is by far my most popular story, so... thanks, everyone!

Chapters (1)
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A cutie mark appears on a pony's flank when he or she finds that certain something that makes them different from every other pony. - Miss Cheerilee

While there may be some fillies out there crusading for cutie marks on what seems to be a daily basis, several of their classmates have already had theirs appear. Haven't you always wanted to find out how it happened? Of course you have.

(The colt characters don't really interest me; sorry, colt fans.)

Chapters (5)
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What's threatening Equestria this time? Why can't they just defend themselves with the Elements of Harmony? Why do the princesses magically summon a human instead of a member of a more respectable species? Who the hell has been giving Luna language lessons? Why is the hero yet another guy named Kyle? Some (but not all) of these questions will be answered, and the answers may surprise you!

Or, you know, maybe not.

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[NOTE: There's no gore as such, but there is a great deal of ridiculous, cartoon-style violence.]

Cover art by Rob Liefeld thewaffler.

Chapters (8)
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Twist has a colt in mind to be her special somepony, but she doesn't feel ready to approach him just yet. She's read plenty of books and has even started writing romantic fiction of her own, but it still isn't enough for her to really feel like she understands relationships. She decides to ask other ponies for their perspectives on romance.

(Note that this may contain some advice that can apply to real-world relationships.)

New and improved cover art courtesy of Arcum42.

Chapters (8)
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