//------------------------------// // Chapter 8: Dumber Than Advertised // Story: HiE Powered (a parody) // by Elric of Melnipony //------------------------------// “ENOUGH!” The scream came from the base of the ridge, almost immediately below Kyle. It was accompanied by a comet-like blast of blood-red energy rocketing towards Twilight. It struck her in mid-Garden Party Stomp, encasing her in a shimmering aura of the same color before bouncing off downwards through her storm cloud. The magical bolt ricocheted among the various trolls like a pinball that had downed some sugary treats made by Pinkie Pie, and each troll it hit was just as paralyzed by the surrounding glow that resulted as the previous target had been. “This will not stand!” The voice was high-pitched, nasal, whiny, and trying very hard to sound imperious. “Wut?” came the voice of a troll. “Oe wemjee!” remarked another. Skeletor? thought Kyle dumbly. He didn't have time for much else, as the spell quickly came seeking him as well. It gave him something like a mild version of the feeling of circulation returning to a limb that falls asleep, but all over. He could still breathe and control his eyes, but nothing more. A shadowy shape flew up from beneath his position and zipped around in tight, agitated circles above the troll platoon. Once it slowed down, Kyle could see that it was another pony. Like the princesses he had met, it had both a horn and wings, but he understood that wasn't the norm… very uncommon, in fact. I thought they said it was just the four of them. Kyle was able to get a better look once the new pony settled on the cloud in front of the still-immobilized Twilight Sparkle. It stood there, breathing heavily. Through the IR scope on his weapon, Kyle saw the newcomer had a bright glow to his mane and tail, and was covered with zig-zags, racing stripes, and flame shapes on his legs that were probably meant to make it look like he was going faster. When he switched eyes and looked at the stranger under the moonlight, the alicorn was darker than the storm cloud. He alternated open and closed eyes; stripes and flames, pure darkness. Wild patterns, night inside a cave. Crazy markings, solid color. So his color scheme is black and infrared? Okay, that's weird. After a time, the new alicorn spoke. “Once again, we see proof that everypony is against me. Everypony is against –” He stopped abruptly, then spoke again after what he probably considered to be a dramatic pause. “Mhyosie.” Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes. “They all laughed at Mhyosie,” he said, beginning to pace around her on the cloud. “They all made fun of Mhyosie. They said that Mhyosie looked ridiculous, that Mhyosie didn't really belong in Equestria. Well, soon Mhyosie will show them. Mhyosie will show them all!” “Show us what?” croaked Twilight from between lips that barely opened. The agitated equine stomped back into position in front of Twilight, increasing the rainfall below. He whirled around and stared directly into her eyes. “That Mhyosie is better than anypony else in Equestria. That Mhyosie is the equal, nay, the superior of all the princesses! That Mhyosie –“ He paused again, looked down at a half-raised front hoof, and mouthed what seemed to be a silent countdown. He made eye contact again and hissed, “– is Best Pony.” Several moments passed uncomfortably, until at last, Twilight said, “Oh, me? Is it my turn?” “What? Yes!” “It's just that I didn't think you were finished.” Twilight's tone, like that of a jaded customer service representative, danced on the line between apologetic and sarcastic. “Well I was!” “Okay. And you want me to what, agree with you?” “No! You're supposed to say, 'You're not going to get away with this!' Don't you know anything? Mhyosie knows everything. And he's good-looking, too.” “You're not going to get away with this,” Twilight recited, doing her duty. “That's where you're wrong!” her opponent snarled. “And I'm going to tell you exactly why...” Listening to the misfit pony had Kyle wanting to punch him in the face, or failing that, punch himself in the face. Anything was better than listening to some surplus-to-requirements alicorn going on and on about how great he was, even self-harm. Unconsciously, he tried to clench his fists. Of course, even if the paralysis magic hadn't been thwarting him, there still would have been the issue of the gun in his hands. The spell seemed to be weakening, though, as he learned when all of his fingers curled slightly, including the one on the trigger. Thanks to the indiscriminate targeting of the spell, Kyle's last shot was still lined up. The black pony spun at the unfamiliar sound of gunfire, searching for the source. He surrounded himself with a dome of magical energy. “They sent a royal princess… as a diversion? There's something worse out there? I need my power back!” With that, he dropped the paralysis spell while at the same time blasting a tight cone of force from his horn towards Twilight Sparkle. She went tumbling off into the night, screaming wordlessly. Kyle quickly regained control of his limbs and lined up his sights on bad guy. He fired, but as expected, it did no good against the alicorn's force field. After his first attempt, he decided that a different angle might work better, but the sound of a toppling Easter Island statue eliminated all thought. Several seconds after the deactivation of the spell holding it in place, the last troll he shot had finally hit the ground. Kyle jerked in surprise and accidently fired another round. It went wide of the target, which was especially frustrating because the dark pony had been equally startled and his shield had flickered out momentarily. Kyle cursed under his breath. I've been going about this all wrong, he decided. When firepower isn't enough, what do you need? More firepower. The contours of his weapon melted and flowed again, reconfiguring themselves into a top-of-the-line Nugent Chickenhawk rocket launcher. Now we're talking. He aimed beneath the alicorn, who was still searching for his unseen attacker. He fired, then immediately turned away to protect his eyes. When he turned back, he saw that the view had changed considerably. There was now a crater in previously flat ground. There were fewer trolls than there had been before, and many of those remaining were no longer on their feet. The storm cloud was completely gone, and in place of the rain there was a very brief shower of gravel. The red glow of the magical shield was still intact, unfortunately, but Kyle chose to demote it on his priority list because of how quickly it was rolling away. He thought he could hear some noises from that direction that sounded like an infuriated goat, but his ears were still ringing a little from the blast. Plus the goat rage was fading away pretty quickly anyway. It was time to clean up – or make a bigger mess, whatever. He pointed the rocket launcher at one of the larger clusters of trolls and fired, instantly creating more study materials for future geobiologists. He picked out another group and fired again, then fired again at what was left, and again. By the time it was over, there was enough material around to cover a really long driveway, and Kyle was giggling like a schoolgirl who had just heard her teacher say “penis”. His laughter was cut short by the return of a crackling red ball of angry sorcery, contents: one pony, wings and horn included. He shrugged and fired his rocket launcher again, going for a direct impact this time. This did not, however, have the desired effect. Not only was the force field not down, it hadn't budged an inch. “Hah! Mhyosie was ready for you this time! Mhyosie is smarter than you, stronger than you, better than you! You think it was enough to destroy his army? You were wrong! Mhyosie can always make more gates and bring more trolls through! Mhyosie can make other gates, and add other creatures to his forces! Mhyosie is unstoppable! Mhyosie will either rule Equestria, or destroy it!” Kyle fired another rocket. Still nothing. “That's right! Rule… rule Equestria, or destroy it! Yeah! That's what Mhyosie will do! He will! Real soon now! Just you watch!” Kyle blinked several times, then tilted his head to one side. Awkward seconds ticked by. The black-on-black mage tried once again. “Rule or destroy. Right? Right. And, uh… how does that make you feel? What… what do you say to that?” Kyle made an odd face as he stuck a finger in his ear and wiggled it around. He pulled it out and inspected it. He sniffed it and frowned. At last, an answer came from on high. Literally. Twilight shouted from far above, “I say, 'counter-spell'!” A beam of her own energy came down from the sky and shattered her opponent's shield like a dropped snowglobe. Being the badass military human that he was, Kyle knew an opportunity when he saw one. He fired yet another rocket, and a third form of precipitation fell that night. The first had been rain, the second had been gravel, and the third was alicorn stew… chunky-style. Days later, Kyle reflected on how much easier the trip back to Canterlot had been. It was almost as if whatever cosmic force that had seized control of his life just wasn't really interested in the return journey. He decided he couldn't really complain about things going smoothly, though – especially not now that he was at a party in his honor with a drink in his hand and a medal around his neck. He had even heard that there would be a stained glass window made to record his exploits. Now all he needed was a way home. He wanted to point this out to the ponies who had brought him here, just in case it wasn't clear. He found three of the four of them together – apparently, the one named Luna was going through something called “linguistic detox”. He explained his desires. “What about more chapters?” asked Cadance. Celestia turned her head just in time to keep from violently spraying cider all over their guest. She hacked and gasped, prompting Twilight to thump her on the back with a hoof. “Of… of your life!” said Cadance brightly. “Here! In Equestria!” She gave her best attempt at a disarming grin to Celestia, who was now breathing normally again but still giving her the stink-eye. Kyle hesitated. “Well, I don't know...” Cadance continued. “And think of all the other adventures you could have! How many ponies you could help! How much good you could do!” She flinched at the empty golden mug being shoved in her face by Celestia's magic. “Ahh… would you like a refill, Aunt Celestia?” “Besides,” added Twilight, “we can't send you back.” Every conversation in the party ceased. The music stopped. The golden mug clattered to the ground. Cadance face-hoofed. Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed. From somewhere on the other side of the palace came the sound of speech amplified by the Royal Canterlot Voice: “Oh, snap!” Kyle frowned down at his shoes and let out a sigh of his own. After a moment, he brought his head up and began looking at the pretty pony princesses more closely than he ever had before. Maybe he could give it a try after all. How bad could sex with ponies actually be?