Chapter One: Alienation
At last! After months of waiting, it was finally here. Today was the opening day of UmWhatCon, the very first fan convention for people who are into things that they don't really get. Best of all, I had a VIP pass!
Me? I'm John D. Blankslate. (The D stands for "Doe".) My eye color, hair color and other physical attributes are surprisingly variable, so just imagine that I look like an idealized version of you. (If you're a dude, I mean. If you're a chick, imagine a dude you really wanna do the horizontal bop with.) I would tell you more about myself, but characterization is something that happens to other people.
Between the day I bought my pass and today, I had worked really hard on my costume. This was going to blow everyone away. Why limit your cosplay to just one character? I had the revolutionary idea of going to a con dressed as fandom itself. And after ages of preparation, I was ready.
On my right hand was the Infinity Gauntlet with all six Infinity Stones. (Or Gems, if you prefer the comics.) On my left hand was the full "emotional spectrum" of Green Lantern-style power rings, including the white one of Life and the black one of Death. (One was on my thumb, and the rest were doubled up on my fingers.) On my left wrist was an Arisian Lens, a distant relative of the rings. Strapped to my left forearm was the Elder Wand in its quick-draw sheath; on my right forearm was the Runestaff.
In the center of my chest was a Tron identity disc (in the original Frisbee-like style, not the ring style). Normally that would be on the back, but it was easier to grab this way; also, I had on my back a portable particle accelerator that was good for laying the smackdown on ghosts and other undead. Slung next to that contraption was a phaser rifle with a detachable lightsaber in the bayonet position, as well as a top-mounted Xeelee starbreaker.
I bought the phaser from the same place I got the copy of Geordi LaForge's VISOR across my eyes. On the back of my ear was Star-Lord's earpiece that could expand into his signature mask/helmet. On my head was that useless kid's magic hat from the old Dungeons & Dragons cartoon.
My sword was deceptive; it looked incredibly generic except for the little rectangular window in the crossguard. Behind the window was a ribbon of names that I could scroll by turning the knob at the end of the pommel. At the time it was set to "Excalibur", but I also had options such as Stormbringer, Glamdring, Blackwand, Masamune, the Sword of Gryffindor, and Dreadstar's sword.
The sword hung off my left hip; on my right hip was the five-bladed Glaive of Krull. Between them was a fully-stocked Batman utility belt. My pocket-laden cargo pants carried an Omni from the short-lived TV show Voyagers!, my copy of The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and all sorts of other goodies that I as an unreliable narrator couldn't think of at the moment. There was every possibility that they might become useful later in the story, though.
Sure, it was early Friday evening and the costume contest wasn't until Saturday night, but that didn't matter; I wanted to show off. No, the only problem I had was that there wasn't anything on the schedule just yet that I was interested in. Later on, there was going to be a set by DJ Topp 4T that I was looking forward to. (He was perfect for this convention, because he said he really loved music, but he only listened to and played things that were already popular.) But until then, not much going on. Nothing for it but to hit the dealers' room.
Most of it looked like the usual. Keychains and other trinkets decorated with characters and quotes, plushies that had to include gold dust in the stuffing for the prices they were charging, pirate copies of DVDs, borderline pornographic art prints, and more. I shoplifted a shot glass that had my favorite hentai vixen on it, but hadn't yet found anything I wanted to spend money on. That changed when a strange voice called out to me.
"Hey, kid."
I couldn't tell where the voice was coming from at first. I looked around, and when it still wasn't obvious, I decided to be clever.
"Who, me?" I asked.
"Yeah, you." For some reason, it reminded me of Mugsy the mobster from those vintage Bugs Bunny cartoons. "C'mere."
Finally I spotted the source of the voice. Just a few feet away, there was a set of tables and displays that were deep in shadow. This was especially odd because not only was the convention center brightly lit, but the booths on either side of it were perfectly visible. Sinister cobwebs were all over it, despite both the cleanliness of the center and the fact that merch set-up had been just that morning. The banner hanging off the front of the table said “For Shits and Giggles, LLC”.
I was intrigued, so I shuffled closer. “Yeah?”
At last I got a look at the man speaking to me. He looked like a “Faces of Meth” PSA poster where the “before” picture was Steve Buscemi. I felt I could trust him instantly. “You kind of a jerk, kid?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“You like to break stuff?”
“Yeah.” Who doesn't?
“You a borderline sociopath?”
I frowned. “This is the one where I'm supposed to say 'no', right? I don't really understand what feelings are, but normal people tell me they get bad ones when I say yes.”
He smiled. It was horrible. “Great. Last question, kid. Do you like doing to canon what Catholic priests do to altar boys?”
“Boy, do I!” Was there anything better?
“Perfect. I got something you might like.” He reached under the table and dug into a box. He came back up with two shiny black and red objects in his hands. Each one had the letters “MDSCM” written along one side in gold.
“Is that… that is!” I certainly hadn't been expecting to see this: footwear just like my favorite comic book character had. He was holding up boots just like the ones worn by Mister Doctor Super Captain Man, the All-Purpose Superhero. And they were my size! I could barely speak. “H-how much?”
He set down the boots and put a hand to his chin. His eyes went to the boots, to me, to up at the ceiling. After a moment he said, “Sixty-three cents.”
“Sixty-three cents?!”
“Okay, kid, you drive a hard bargain. A quarter.”
I stared at him for a while, I'm not sure how long. Eventually I pulled off the Infinity Gauntlet and set it on the table so I could dig into my pocket for some change. “Two dimes and a nickel okay?”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, kid. That's how math works.”
I handed over the coins and he handed over the boots. I kicked off my crappy old sneakers right then and there, then skimmed off my power rings so I could get the boots laced up more easily. The guy running the booth pulled a trash can out from under the table, and I pitched my old shoes in. He set it back down again as I was putting the rings and the gauntlet back on, and then went digging in another box.
Once I had everything back in place, he held out a small, white rectangle to me. “Read this,” he said.
“Why?”
“Triggers the dimensional expulsion.”
“The what now?”
“Just read it, kid.”
It turned out to be an ordinary three-by-five index card, but the writing on it was in weird, glowing purple runes. The marks on the card started writhing around as I looked at them, and as soon as they formed into words that made sense, I read off each one.
“Just… Because.”
There was a bright flash of white light, and suddenly I felt like I was falling. The last thing I remember before passing out was some sort of vision. I saw the remains of what had once been a horse sprawled across a pile of computer keyboards. Just past it was an endless line of angry children, all of them carrying baseball bats. As each one got to the front of the line, he or she would give the corpse a good whack and then run off, giggling. What did it mean?
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When he mentioned the phaser rifle with lightsaber bayonet, I thought to myself, all he's missing is the Glaive from Krull.
So a couple paragraphs later, I had to upvote, after I stopped laughing.
Clever title is clever.
Not sure if the telling and not showing is because of this being a Displaced story, or that is just how you write. Probably the former... No it's definitely the former.
Usually I don't read parodies, but this caught my eye because of the title. I only read a couple of Displaced stories, and I can vouch for this being almost dead on for what almost everyone of those stories is like.
I don't care if anyone likes the Displaced, it's just not me. Especially since it would be more interesting to use the actual character that's getting crossed over. The concept is just too stupid to work with without it being a comedy.
Well, onward to the next chapter.
I'm not gonna to lie, Elric. When I first heard that you were making a Displaced crackfic, I thought you were going to go into pointless rants within the chapter about the group, since it is a parody of a genre you have little love for(I was actually worried you were going to purposely fuck up on spelling and make it almost unreadable, because that is one of the many issues with some of the authors of the genre.). But I wake up to see...this comedic tale. So thank you, thank you for making my day.
In all honesty, I had to stop halfway through the first chapter so I could get a control of my laughter. This got worse by the time I reached the end, It's nice to see some good, and not to mention crude, humor and have a couple of laughs to start the day!
Upvoted!
My cursor couldn't physically move to the fave button quicker
This first chapter was very funny, I actually had to google some of those weapons
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Well, I'm pretty geeky, so some of the stuff that I've read or watched would be considered fairly obscure by the standards of most folks. Plus I'm kinda old, which means i remember stuff that younger MLP fans have never heard of. (Where's a Granny Smith emote when I need one?)
...my sides...
Finally, an actual reason!
It should be illegal to make me laugh this much Elric. :P
I can't believe this is the first Xeelee Sequence reference I have ever seen in MLP fanfiction. Shame the series isn't as popular as it should be...
Oh, I almost forgot; ahem, "COOL STORY BRO!" Feels fitting.
I found this on the Good Fic Bin forum, and must say I'm happy with what I found out when reading it: an excellent parody of the common Displaced story, I approve wholeheartedly of it.
Though I have to say... some of the writers nowadays either read your fic, or they inadvertedly tried the same shtick you used here - only done straight. It comes as cringe-worthy as it sounds.
Have a fav and a thumbs-up for an excellent parody that fits to a tee most of the novice writers that do it like this.
... I may even propose your story as a template of sorts for reference purposes.
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My only regret is that you've been banned since two years ago, and will never be able to see this message: I agree with you - the whole 'transforms into costume' thing is cringey enough as is, not to mention the poor execution in most of this kind of stories.
Though my own work plus another one titled Noble and Free would've broken that mold due to their different ways of execution.