Chapter 1: Summon to Watch Over Me
It was a dark and stormy night, which prompted Twilight Sparkle to curse insomniac pegasi. Her mind was preoccupied, so she overlooked the fact that she had more or less joined their ranks. More importantly, she forgot that she had the option to fly above the clouds. She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally spotted Canterlot Castle through the rain. Twilight dived down to a covered balcony. Once she landed, she decided to throw dignity over the side and began shaking like a dog. It was progress of a sort; it resulted in her being merely soaked rather than completely saturated.
Towels came floating towards her gently, wrapped in the magical energies of her mentor, Princess Celestia. “I'm glad you made it here so quickly, Twilight. This is serious.” She was serious.
Twilight replied with a serious tone. “You said as much in your letter, but you didn't explain what the issue is. What's happening?”
“Soon, Twilight. We have to wait until Cadance joins us. This is a four princess job.”
Twilight tilted her head and began pondering where she had run into the phrase 'four princess job' before. After a moment, realization struck and she nodded to herself. I really should borrow some more of Rarity's erotica at some point. Her collection beats what's in the library. “I couldn't help but notice that we're two princesses short.”
The door opposite the balcony opened. Celestia's younger sister Luna walked in, having just finished raising the moon. “Twilight! What up, gurl?”
Celestia face-hoofed. “Luna, remember your lessons on modernizing your speech?”
“Fo' shizzle.”
“I'm going to need you to dial it back a few notches.”
“I can dig it.”
Celestia took a deep breath, but her attempts at furthering Luna's education were interrupted by the arrival of Cadance, the group's “cute Beatle”. After she dried herself off, hugs of greeting were given and received all around. “Thanks for that book, Twilight! Your brother can't walk for at least two days, and I'm only on chapter seven! I think we're going to need a larger bedroom for all the equipment, though.”
“Um... you're welcome? Ew.”
Celestia coughed to get everypony's attention. “Thank you all for joining me. There is a grave threat on the horizon, and I fear for the future of Equestria. Together, we can do what must be done to defeat our foe.”
Twilight waved a hoof like a filly in school. “Wait, why didn't you have me bring my friends along? You need the big guns, right? Why can't we just use the Elements of Harmony?”
Celestia used her magic to close the doors to the balcony, and glanced around to make sure they weren't being spied on. “That's a good question. The answer is that we are in a very dire situation. So much so that the Elements of Harmony are unusable due to reasons and stuff. We will have to rely on other means.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Due to reasons?”
“And stuff.”
Cadance jumped into the conversation. “So then, Aunt Celestia, what are we supposed to do?”
“We are to perform... a summoning.” The dramatic musical sting came on cue, seemingly from the walls themselves.”We are going to summon a representative... of a warrior race.” A few follow-up notes sounded.
“Kzinti?” Twilight queried.
“Bless you!” Luna replied.
“Klingons!” Cadance confidently called.
Several more suggestions were offered, with Celestia saying no to each one. Sensing that the frustrations of the others were reaching their boiling point, she finally named her intended target. “Humans.” A muted trumpet played a series of descending notes, drawing out the last one.
Cadance looked confused. “They're a fairly disreputable bunch, aren't they?”
Twilight tried to pry loose some dusty memories. “Wait, aren't they the ones with--”
Cadance cut her off. “Yep.”
“And sometimes they--”
“Yep.”
“And while that's going on--”
“Yep.”
“And then they insert the--”
“That's them.” Cadance looked slightly ill.
Luna offered her input. “Barf me out! Like, fer sure! Totally.”
Celestia tried to regain control of the conversation. “Enough, everypony, please. It has to be a human. We have a contractual obligation.” That settled it, of course. All four of them were powerful spell-casters who had defeated all sorts of villains, but not a single one wanted to get her hooves dirty by dealing with lawyers. “Now, I looked it up and this spell is quite complicated. Are you all ready to learn your roles in the ritual?”
“Yes, Auntie.”
“Of course, Princess.”
“Sock it to me!”
The instructions from the book of magic were very thorough, except for the part about what sort of mystic sigils were needed on the floor. Pentagrams were long since out of fashion, so there was a spirited discussion about what would work best in this situation. Twilight wanted to use the Runes of Rowling, Cadance was fond of the Holy Circle of Haveaniceday, and Luna thought the job would be done best with Crazy Starswirl's Discount Quadrilateral of Containment. (“Wards against all fiends or your money back!”) In the end, they settled on a sequence of pictograms that had originally been a bit of obscene graffiti in the slums of Imrryr ten thousand years ago.
“Is everypony prepared to begin?”
“Yes, Auntie.”
“Yes, Princess.”
“Coolsville, daddy-o.”
The ritual was long and involved. Glowing horns drew strange shapes in the air. Candles were lit and extinguished at regular intervals. Incantations were chanted in Equestrian, Griffish, High Draconic, and Welsh. Pizza was ordered. A break was taken when the delivery pony arrived. A Care Bear was sacrificed. A loud crack was heard as a strange shape appeared high in the air. A quieter but uglier crack was heard as said shape hit the ground head-first.
“Hells. Why didn't anypony tell me that could happen? It's sure not in the book. Let's start over.”
Glowing horns, candles, chanting, traditional donkey cuisine this time, delivery, Care Bear, loud crack, telekinetic catch, intense smell of alcohol. This one was alive, but dead drunk. Good enough. Luna strung up a hammock where she could keep an eye on things and put the human in it. The others went to bed.
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Congratulations: your story has good enough grammar to be added to the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive directory of grammatically correct stories on FIMFiction.
Also,
Damn you for that. I couldn't distinguish between parody and awful writing. Yours definitely falls into the former category.
2966229
I emulated bad writing that well?
Mission accomplished!
... What the actual fuck.
First I was all like:
And the Luna walked in and I was all like:
3328040
As Luna might say, I'm hip to your jive.
I think summoning a kzinti to Equestria would be a very bad idea.
3334707
Indeed it would! But Celestia specified a warrior race, and Twilight is sure she's got enough mystic mojo to keep a ratcat in line.
Aww, I think a kzinti in Equestria would be awesome! And bloody. But mostly awesome.
He probably had it coming.
"You killed my brother! Prepare to taste the--URK!"
Q.o my eyes.
Ch'rowl me, that was entertaining.
Yes! This is some seriously funny stuff. Seriously! I laughed from beginning to end.
Favorited becuse... Reasons.
Fo'shizzle!
Celestia's probably got them both beat, and Cadance has all the formerly-lost erotica of the Crystal Empire. Luna's -- well, there's probably a quest story somewhere in her retrieving her porn stash.
Ah, Sombra must have hid the lost erotic lore of the Crytsal Empire, then, so it's still lost. Two quest stories now!"
"... So much so that the Elements of Harmony are unusable due to reasons and stuff. ..."
Important considerations!
Celestia knew there was a good reason she installed that system, and it proved its worth at times like these!
At least she's mixing-up her slang.
Starswirl got that one from Stan Pines' Stanco's occult division, so it may not have been entirely reliable.
But then, as Melnibonean street gangs usually rumbled by summoning demons against one another, their graffiti was often magically-potent.
Welsh is a made-up language.
This is funny.