• Member Since 22nd Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen January 22nd

Elric of Melnipony


Ask your doctor about DERPIPONE(TM)!

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No one asked for it! No one demanded it! But here it is anyway: pure, distilled essence of badfic, satirized for your protection and diluted with enough water to keep you from going blind. In addition to the two terrible and wildly unoriginal shots that have been available separately on Elric's blog, this collection contains a previously untasted third chug of intentionally painful and derivative awfulness. (Do not operate heavy machinery while under the influence of bad fanfiction.)

Universally admired original characters, show characters acting out of character, stupid names, implausible shipping, gratuitous tragedy, and more -- it's all right here. Read if you dare.

Any resemblance between these OCs and any other OCs, living or dead, is purely coincidental maliciously intentional.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 238 )

A tragedy that brought tears to my eyes, yet reminded me that there is always hope.

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That's what I'm aiming for, yes.

The ideal comment would be one in which a reader tells me, "I laughed, I cried, I learned to love again."

A love story that reaches into the heart, plays your heartstrings like a lyre, and connects with the previous story flawlessly in a unique manner while also ripping out said heartstrings. Also, bullying is bad, kids.

A story that moved me so much my tears created a mighty river, made me laugh so hard that I awoke a neighborhood, and retaught me the value of love...















Actually, they all SUCK!

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Actually. They all SUCK!

Yup! :pinkiehappy:

And they're all inspired by the many badfics I've read on this site.

If anyone reads this and gets offended, well... they probably should be.

An exquisite assembly of what not to do. Also, I'm going to assume that the Cutie Mark Templars went on to oppose the assassins of Our Town in a conflict that echoed down the ages in an increasingly contrived way.

This trilogy touched my heart, embossed itself into my soul, and convinced me to vote for Donald Trump.

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With as many sequels and spin-offs as possible. Some of them exclusive to just one console, so that completionists feel compelled to buy hardware they can't afford and/or have never wanted before.

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Bad fanfiction can move one to utter despair, yes. The more severe cases will be so distraught that they want to see everyone else brought down with them, which leads to voting for Trump.

Some fanfic readers just want to watch the world burn.

I cried.

...Tears of laughter, I thrive on this stuff.
Thank you for this masterpiece, I'm a new man now.

Unintentionally bad fics are still funnier, but this is a nice parody of them. Thumbs up.

This is the kind of fiction that I live for.

...an eighth-degree black belt in Wai Fu...

:rainbowlaugh:

Waif-fu...oh how I kek'd at that one.

Special Snowflake versus Cassandra, anyone?

I don't know why I read this, but I find myself wanting more

This fic is perfect for increasing the ego of self-deprecatory writers such as myself.

Thumbs up

Also, were these written by actual authors?

Though im sure its not cause Fimfic dun allow plagarism but im asking to be sure it isnt found elsewhere.

Racism is bad and you shouldn't racism
Liberalism in a nutshell.

I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND SATIRE, BUT I WILL LAUGH AT IT.

+1 LIKE.

Hidden Princess really is a very special little pony, and she is special in the same very unique and special way as thousands of her contemporaries.

This is just begging for AJA commentary! Make me proud son!

Once upon a time there was a filly. Her name was Hidden Princess, although nopony knew why.

Hmm, Mario Brothers reference, maybe?

She didn't get along with the other kids at school; they were always making fun of her because she had a blank flank, and because one of her eyes was silver and the other was gold. (OMG, u gaiz! It's just like how misunderstood I am!)

It's sad that the goats treated her with such disdain. :ajsleepy:

They were also jealous of how pretty she was with her special eyes and her infrapink coat. She also had a plaid mane, why not?

Why not? Because it's lolawful!

(Sigh) This is going to take all damn day, isn't it? I need to be more selective.

One day while she was at school, Miss Cher Lee

Any relation to Applebloom or Cadence? Full disclosure: I'm guilty of both misspellings in the past. :fluttershyouch:

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna teleported beside Princess Twilight Sparkle. The door opened and Princess Cadance walked in.

Oh come on! You spelled Cadance correctly! You call this sucking? I can suck far harder than this in my sleep! :twilightangry2:

All of her friends were happy for her, and she lived happily ever after. Not everypony lived happily ever after, though. Scootaloo was raped, Pinkie killed a bunch of ponies, and another popular character committed suicide. Maybe Derpy? Yeah, let's say Derpy.

Pretty edgy there, edgelord! I was totally getting attached to Derpy until you killed her off 3 days before retirement.

Not bad, but I've had worse. Next chapter.

This pony badfic trilogy is a badfic in and out of itself. I can't understand it. Might as well have been a blogpost where you bitch about everything wrong with fanfics. At least some people do it with a certain finesse and style. You on the other hand don't.

That's it. That's all I can say about the fic itself and I'd rather not continue because I will derail. In any case I don't like this at all.

"I know what I'm going to do about it," said HomoSapien McHumanName, who was also a pony with a completely ordinary Equestrian pony name. (Srsly, u gaiz! I went to the horse races once, and all the horses at the track had way weirder names than this!) "I'm going to move to Ponyville." It was unclear how this was going to help.

I must not read enough fanfiction. Is it common for bad writers to unironically insert their own thoughts between parenthesis? That's cringetastic!

When he got to town, he met Pinkie Pie. "Hi, my name is Pinkie Pie," said Pinkie Pie.

EZN is plotting your demise about now! :rainbowlaugh: Could be worse though, you could have used Lavender Unicorn Syndrome instead.

"That is because it is just you and me," said Pinkie Pie. "It is a sex party." She pushed him onto the bed and they sexed, which I know all about because I have totally done it. (Shut up! I have, too!)

I asked for worse, and I'm getting it! :fluttershbad:

When they were done, HomoSapien McHumanName said, "I am glad I moved to Ponyville." Then he said, "Do you know somewhere I can live?"

This got me thinking. You could have actually made him human to increase the hate level even more. Sequel maybe?

"Wahh, that there shore is a raht normal pony name, pardner, and it ain't a mite weird none atall," said Applejack. "Ah kin shore hahr y'all for a job."

Well done. This AJ accent makes me want to chug drain cleaner.

HomoSapien McHumanName adopted that cool falcon that Rainbow Dash didn't want. "You know, my friend Rainbow Dash almost adopted that falcon," said Fluttershy. HomoSapien McHumanName wondered if he could also do sex to Rainbow Dash, but Fluttershy said no because Rainbow Dash was a Lebanese.

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

EPILOGUE: This time, Apple Bloom got raped. By Big Mac.

What a :twistnerd:!

Once upon a time there was a very special pony named Special Snowflake who was only partly a pony but was still very special. She was actually a hybrid.

And occasional "plug in", but only if you asked for consent once every ten seconds.

(Please see the detailed and numbered illustration that looks like a patent application diagram on my DerangedArt account, kthx.)

Good ol' DA! :rainbowkiss:

One day, for no adequately explored reason, she decided to move from whatever town she lived in to Ponyville. "I sure hope I can make friends in the new town. It's not like I'm anything special," said Special Snowflake to herself.

Said no Special Snowflake... ever. :trixieshiftleft:

Special Snowflake looked Scootaloo in the eyes. "I didn't cheat. I'm just really good at everything I do."

Scootaloo blinked. "I believe you," she said.

Life ain't easy for a Boy Named Sue.

"That's right," said Rainbow Dash. "And now I have to run. I have some weather stuff to do."

"I need to go be lesbian somewhere else. Kbai."

Applejack lined up for another applebuck. All of the apples fell out of the tree that she kicked with both of her back legs.

Oh Lawdy! :pinkiesick: That was awful! Good work.

Rainbow Dash was paralyzed in a terrible accident and had a long talk with Twilight about assisted suicide and the right to die. Cheerilee gave her students an important speech about staying off drugs. Racism is bad and you shouldn't racism, even if one of your best friends in the whole world has been deceiving you the entire time you've known her about the fact that she's secretly a changeling.

That last one was soooo booooring! Arrrrgggghhhhhh! You win, Elric. Have a like.

But you can’t stop here! Where’s the chapter about the human who goes to a convention and buys a collectable Casper the Friendly Ghost mask from a Mr. Drocsid and when he puts it on he gets transported to Equestria as Casper but no one wants to be friends with him because he’s a spooky ghost and doesn’t bathe regularly and he’s so sad that he turns villainous? Huh? Where is this chapter?

It takes a lot to make me burst out laughing like a complete maniac.

Well played, sir.

Yep, this is awful. Have a like; you've clearly achieved what you set out to do!

These are beautiful works of art that have touched my life forever. The thrilling and intriguing plot, the delicate and subtle emotions, and the heart wrenching tragedies...

Beautiful.

Boy fillies. BOY FILLIES. (applause)

Mother of God...

I think I love you.

The biggest problem I see with this fic is that your conversation grammar is correct. I mean, look at this:

"I can't let you live here," said Mayor Mare.

You replaced the period/full-stop with a comma, just like you're supposed to. And that "said"... the 's' isn't capitalized. Again, just how it should be.

:ajsleepy: Just completely ruined my suspension of disbelief that this is supposed to be a badfic.

:pinkiehappy:

Your badfic is better than mine. Fimfiction won't even let me publish mine. :(

"Darling, that's a darling name, darling," said Rarity. "Do you want sex?" So they went inside and did the thing

They did the thing everyone!! Woohoo!

Oh come on! If you're going to badfic, you can't just ignore the "Good Guys Are Secretly Tyrants" badfics. Especially with how Edgy(tm) you can make a 'rebellious' character.

Uuuugh! Why did I choose to read this in the library, why? It was a painful idea. Have you tried reading it without disturbing the other user of the library with crazy laughing? It is possible, but very hard.

Also I was very disapointed, the title said it was going to be bad, and it was good!
You lied to me, you vile fiend!:applejackconfused:






More seriously, good job. It wasn't great, not enough finess and subtelity for that, but it certainly was good and enjoyable. Very enjoyable.
Thank you.

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Thank you! :yay:

So glad people are enjoying this. And I have to say that after getting some sleep, and then coming back online some time after I woke up (I keep strange hours), I was pleasantly surprised to see this thing somehow on the featured list.

Dislikes should count as likes on this story cause why not.

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Who but a Wai Fu master could be the waifu of so many bronies? :pinkiehappy:

6998214
Actually, "Waif Fu" is different from "Wai Fu". The art of "Wai Fu" gives female characters legions of devoted male followers, whereas "Waif Fu" involves petite young girls kicking all kinds of ass. (See the collected works of Joss Whedon.)

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Special Snowflake versus Cassandra, anyone?

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! The Canterlot Colosseum blows up in an epic Sue-off between two of the biggest Mary Sues of all time! Snowflake! Cassandra! Winner take all, no specialness barred! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need... THE EDGE!

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Also, were these written by actual authors?

Well, given that I'm considered an "actual author" by site standards, yes.
But were they written by anyone other than myself? No, of course not.

6998319
You say that like it's a bad thing...

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Hidden Princess really is a very special little pony, and she is special in the same very unique and special way as thousands of her contemporaries.

Exactly! See that vast, sprawling meadow jam-packed with black sheep? Each one is special, unique, nothing like others, and completely misunderstood.

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Boy fillies. BOY FILLIES.

You'd be surprised how many times I've seen people make that error. It's like they're not paying attention to the horsey terminology at all...

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I'll take that as a compliment! :trollestia:

6998722

I'm only reading this to know what not to do in my future writings.

That's a valid reason, as far as I'm concerned.

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Must be truly hideous, then! PM me, 'cause now I want to check it out! :pinkiesmile:

6998788

you can't just ignore the "Good Guys Are Secretly Tyrants" badfics.

I never said it was a complete collection of badfic tropes. :twilightsheepish:

The good news is that if I ever get inspired to add another "chapter", it wouldn't be that difficult to do. (Suddenly it's "The Pony Badfic Trilogy Plus One"!)

Fluttershy said, "Ponies who care about animals really get me hot! And I love your completely ordinary pony name." She grabbed him and started dragging him to her house. "Come here, big boy!" They went inside and did it on the couch that Fluttershy fell asleep on when she was babysitting the CMC.
My fucking sides.
They burn.

And I thought I was bad. Holy shit, I'm the messiah compared to this.

Are you TRYING to summon my Mary-Sueminators?

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Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! The Canterlot Colosseum blows up in an epic Sue-off between two of the biggest Mary Sues of all time! Snowflake! Cassandra! Winner take all, no specialness barred! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need... THE EDGE!

I'm sorry, I think I need a moment. :rainbowlaugh:

...Ok, I'm back. Ahem.

PLEASE OH PLEASE WRITE THIS!! :heart:

I could see someone animating this using poorly cut out and colored pieces of cardboard as animated figures while the puppeteer often gets into a random rage with the strings tagling and the crappy script.

"Her eyes looked like the google chrome logo." :rainbowlaugh:

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