Pony Badfic #1,121,009
Once upon a time there was a very special pony named Special Snowflake who was only partly a pony but was still very special. She was actually a hybrid.
Special Snowflake's mother was part griffin and part dragon, and had been the result of love on the untamed frontier. Her father was part pony and part changeling, and had been the result of Stockholm Syndrome between an alicorn princess and a prisoner of war. She herself was the result of a dare. Despite all this, she looked like a regular, average alicorn.
Her coat was black, her mane and tail were hot pink, her eyes looked like the Google Chrome logo, and her cutie mark was way too complicated to describe here. (Please see the detailed and numbered illustration that looks like a patent application diagram on my DerangedArt account, kthx.)
One day, for no adequately explored reason, she decided to move from whatever town she lived in to Ponyville. "I sure hope I can make friends in the new town. It's not like I'm anything special," said Special Snowflake to herself.
To save herself trouble, she hired a moving company, and she paid them extra to not let Derpy drop things on other ponies like she did that one time. Since she didn't have to haul anything around herself, she was able to fly straight to Ponyville from wherever it was she lived before. On her way there, she met Rainbow Dash.
"Hi," said Rainbow Dash. "I'm on my way back from visiting Cloudsdale for no stated reason, and I'm headed to Ponyville. You look like you're headed that way, too. Wanna race?"
Rainbow Dash was famous. Not only did she have an eighth-degree black belt in Wai Fu, she was also nationally known as a racer. Still, Special Snowflake thought it would be fun to race her, and it might be a good way to make a new friend. So she agreed to the race.
"Wow, you're fast!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "I can't believe you beat me!"
"It's one of the many special talents encoded in my all-encompassing cutie mark," said Special Snowflake.
"Awesome!" said Rainbow Dash. "Let's be friends!"
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
From below, they heard another voice. "What happened, Rainbow Dash? You always win every race!"
The two ponies flew down to where three fillies were standing.
"This is Scootaloo," Rainbow Dash said to Special Snowflake. "She's sort of like my little sister. Scootaloo, this is my new friend Special Snowflake. She's faster than I am."
"That can't be true!" yelled Scootaloo. She walked up to Special Snowflake. "Look me in the eyes and admit you cheated!"
Special Snowflake looked Scootaloo in the eyes. "I didn't cheat. I'm just really good at everything I do."
Scootaloo blinked. "I believe you," she said.
Sweetie Belle gasped. "Scootaloo! You just got your cutie mark!"
Everypony looked at Scootaloo's cool new cutie mark. It was a fire-breathing tiger riding a midnight black scooter out of an explosion. It was very impressive.
"So my special talent is doing awesome stuff on my scooter?" asked Scootaloo. "Of course! Why didn't I ever think of that before?"
Special Snowflake said, "I wanted you to see the truth when you looked in my eyes. I guess you also saw the truth of what your special talent is."
"ME NEXT!" shouted Apple Bloom. She looked into Special Snowflake's eyes and soon had a brand new cutie mark of a highrise skyscraper made entirely out of apples. "So, buildin' stuff? Oh, of course! That makes perfect sense!"
Sweetie Belle didn't want to be left out. She also stepped up to Special Snowflake and looked her in the eyes. Right away, she also had her cutie mark. It was of a hundred robed ponies singing in a choir. "Right, singing! Obviously! I should have figured that out!"
The three fillies were very happy, and they hopped and danced around. Now that the crusade was over, they renamed themselves the Cutie Mark Templars and made Special Snowflake an honorary member.
"I'm so happy," said Apple Bloom. "I gotta show my family! Special Snowflake, why don't you come with me so you can meet 'em too!"
Sweetie Belle said, "My parents are out of town again so you can't meet them yet, but when we're done at Sweet Apple Acres, you can come meet my sister Rarity."
"You already met my sister," said Scootaloo.
"That's right," said Rainbow Dash. "And now I have to run. I have some weather stuff to do."
Rainbow Dash flew away, and Special Snowflake walked towards Sweet Apple Acres with the Cutie Mark Templars, her new friends.
Before long, they reached a place where Applejack was hard at work. "Apple Bloom, I'm glad you're back!" She looked exhausted.
"What's wrong, sis?" asked Apple Bloom.
"What's wrong is I'm havin' to do all the work myself! After you went to go play with your friends, Granny Smith went off to visit one of our other relatives, and Big Mac got laid up again."
"Oh, no! Is it bad?"
"I don't think so. The doctor said he got hurt in the contrivance, wherever that is." Applejack lined up for another applebuck. All of the apples fell out of the tree that she kicked with both of her back legs. "Now I've got to finish all this by myself."
"I can help," said Special Snowflake. She flew high up in the air and examined the layout of the grove where Applejack was. She flew down to the exact center, concentrated, and stomped on the ground with one hoof. Every apple fell down from each of the dozens of trees around her. She then picked up the hundreds of apples in her magic and gathered them together. "Where do you want them?" she asked.
"In the barn'll be fine," said Apple Bloom, who already knew how special her new friend was.
Applejack couldn't talk at first and only stared. Finally she asked, "How did you do that?"
"I'm good at doing things with lots of different kinds of fruit, including apples," said Special Snowflake.
"You sure are! Would you like to be my new friend?" asked Applejack. "You can wear my hat!"
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
Applejack didn't have anything to do after that, because Special Snowflake soon had the entire harvest taken care of days ahead of schedule. Instead, she listened to her little sister and her sister's friends tell her how they got their cutie marks, and she helped them figure out what they wanted to do for their cutesinerror cutesierra cutesy-narrow cute mitzvahs.
Scootaloo said, "You know who we need to help us plan these parties? Pinkie Pie!"
Sweetie Belle said, "Of course! We can visit her after we introduce Rarity to Special Snowflake. And I still want to show her my new cutie mark."
Just then, Special Snowflake walked in the house. "All finished, Applejack," she said. "Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"Nope. You and the girls can go say hi to Rarity. I'm just going to stay here and rest up."
Special Snowflake and the fillies walked towards the main part of town. When they reached a crossroads, suddenly they saw a rabbit quickly hopping in their direction. A pegasus was chasting him, but she was running, not flying.
"Come back here, Angel!" Fluttershy yelled. "Stop being such a naughty bunny!"
Special Snowflake put herself in the middle of the intersection, right in front of the bunny's path. Angel skidded to a stop just before he got beneath her hooves. He looked up at her and looked into her eyes. Special Snowflake said, "That's not very nice, little bunny."
Angel looked her another few seconds, then nodded and burst into tears. He then hopped back to where Fluttershy had stopped behind him and kissed her hoof. He wrapped his front paws around her hoof and hugged her leg as hard as he could, sobbing all the while. From that day forward, he was never a bad bunny again.
"Hi, I'm Fluttershy," said Fluttershy. "Normally, I'm really shy, but that was so incredible that I had to talk to you even though you're new."
"I've always been good with animals," said Special Snowflake.
"I'd like to be friends with you, if that's all right."
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
Fluttershy took Angel home so she could give him the bath that he had been running away from. Special Snowflake kept walking with her friends to the Carousel Boutique.
So they went to Rarity's place. Rarity was doing clothing stuff, and she was really impressed when Special Snowflake used a lot of sewing words like Fluttershy did that one time. She became Special Snowflake's friend like everypony else and said they would have to do fashion together. Also she said "darling" a lot.
After showing off their new cutie marks, Sweetie Belle and her friends told Rarity that they wanted to introduce Special Snowflake to Pinkie Pie. Rarity told them that this wouldn't be necessary, because she knew Pinkie Pie would soon introduce herself. Also she said "darling" a lot.
Special Snowflake enjoyed meeting new friends, but she decided it was finally time to go see her new home. She checked the map she had been given when she bought her new house with cash paid in full because also she was rich. There was a tall building in the center of Ponyville with a ring of open space around it. There were more buildings past the open space, including her house. Nopony was going to be walking with her, so she flew there instead. When Special Snowflake got to the house, the mayor was waiting for her outside.
"I can't let you live here," said Mayor Mare.
"Oh, dear," said Special Snowflake. "Why not?"
"It's not good enough for you. Everypony has been talking about how great you are since you got here."
"I'm nopony special," said Special Snowflake.
"Nonsense," said Mayor Mare. "Everypony in Ponyville knows you're wonderful." She pointed to the tall building across the way. "We've renovated town hall and moved all of your things inside it. It's now a luxury home. I'll work with the other government ponies to run things somewhere else."
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
Special Snowflake walked around the building to find the entrance. When she got to the other side, she found the entrance, but she also saw lots of picnic tables set up outside with nopony sitting at them.
The door opened and a pink pony pushed a cannon out the door. "Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie!" she said. "This is your 'Welcome to Ponyville' party!" She fired the cannon at the tables, and then they were all covered with decorations. She fired at the supports for the balcony up above, and they became wrapped with ribbons and streamers. She fired at the tables again, and fully inflated balloons were suddenly tied to the corners of each one. Other ponies started coming out of the former town hall with food and party games.
"I like parties," said Special Snowflake. She raised a hoof and spoke into what everypony had thought was a watch. "I need immediate celebration support, my coordinates. Go-code: Yippee."
Moments later, there was a loud noise like thunder somewhere in the distance. Seconds after that, a few wagonloads of confetti rained out of the sky all over the center of town.
"What was that?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"That was my party howitzer," said Special Snowflake. "It's just over the horizon."
"I have got to get me one of those!"
"I can show you how to build one, but you'll have to get your own artillery crew."
"Would you like to be my new friend?" asked Pinkie Pie.
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
Four alicorns mares in crowns walked out the door followed by two stallions and a filly, who ran off to play with the former Crusaders. One alicorn introduced herself as Princess Twilight Sparkle. She said the other alicorns were Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and her sister-in-law Princess Cadance. The stallions were her brother Shining Armor and her husband HomoSapien McHumanName. The filly was her daughter Hidden Princess.
"Everypony has been talking about you," said Cadance. "Everypony says you're really incredible."
"I'm nopony special," said Special Snowflake.
"We think you should also be a princess," said Celestia.
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
"There's one other thing," said Twilight Sparkle. "We've been discussing it. My brother, my husband, the other princesses, and I would like to have an orgy with you."
"Okay," said Special Snowflake.
So they went inside and did that.
Rainbow Dash was paralyzed in a terrible accident and had a long talk with Twilight about assisted suicide and the right to die. Cheerilee gave her students an important speech about staying off drugs. Racism is bad and you shouldn't racism, even if one of your best friends in the whole world has been deceiving you the entire time you've known her about the fact that she's secretly a changeling.
Also, Sweetie Belle had an abortion, which sparked debates all over Ponyville.
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6997991
That's what I'm aiming for, yes.
The ideal comment would be one in which a reader tells me, "I laughed, I cried, I learned to love again."
A story that moved me so much my tears created a mighty river, made me laugh so hard that I awoke a neighborhood, and retaught me the value of love...
Actually, they all SUCK!
6998010
Yup!
And they're all inspired by the many badfics I've read on this site.
If anyone reads this and gets offended, well... they probably should be.
An exquisite assembly of what not to do. Also, I'm going to assume that the Cutie Mark Templars went on to oppose the assassins of Our Town in a conflict that echoed down the ages in an increasingly contrived way.
This trilogy touched my heart, embossed itself into my soul, and convinced me to vote for Donald Trump.
6998019
With as many sequels and spin-offs as possible. Some of them exclusive to just one console, so that completionists feel compelled to buy hardware they can't afford and/or have never wanted before.
6998032
Bad fanfiction can move one to utter despair, yes. The more severe cases will be so distraught that they want to see everyone else brought down with them, which leads to voting for Trump.
Some fanfic readers just want to watch the world burn.
I cried.
...Tears of laughter, I thrive on this stuff.
Thank you for this masterpiece, I'm a new man now.
Unintentionally bad fics are still funnier, but this is a nice parody of them. Thumbs up.
I've needed this majesty in my life for as long as I can remember. Bless you, person.
49.media.tumblr.com/8a48a2a13b1fc9326eeb5450a2563fdc/tumblr_nrn0ffSDjB1r6e8n0o1_500.gif
Waif-fu...oh how I kek'd at that one.
Special Snowflake versus Cassandra, anyone?
I don't know why I read this, but I find myself wanting more
This fic is perfect for increasing the ego of self-deprecatory writers such as myself.
Thumbs up
Also, were these written by actual authors?
Though im sure its not cause Fimfic dun allow plagarism but im asking to be sure it isnt found elsewhere.
Racism is bad and you shouldn't racism
Liberalism in a nutshell.
I WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND SATIRE, BUT I WILL LAUGH AT IT.
+1 LIKE.
This pony badfic trilogy is a badfic in and out of itself. I can't understand it. Might as well have been a blogpost where you bitch about everything wrong with fanfics. At least some people do it with a certain finesse and style. You on the other hand don't.
That's it. That's all I can say about the fic itself and I'd rather not continue because I will derail. In any case I don't like this at all.
And occasional "plug in", but only if you asked for consent once every ten seconds.
Good ol' DA!
Said no Special Snowflake... ever.
Life ain't easy for a Boy Named Sue.
"I need to go be lesbian somewhere else. Kbai."
Oh Lawdy!
That was awful! Good work.
That last one was soooo booooring! Arrrrgggghhhhhh! You win, Elric. Have a like.
But you can’t stop here! Where’s the chapter about the human who goes to a convention and buys a collectable Casper the Friendly Ghost mask from a Mr. Drocsid and when he puts it on he gets transported to Equestria as Casper but no one wants to be friends with him because he’s a spooky ghost and doesn’t bathe regularly and he’s so sad that he turns villainous? Huh? Where is this chapter?
[youtube=R-9eYvvfhf4]
It takes a lot to make me burst out laughing like a complete maniac.
Well played, sir.
These are beautiful works of art that have touched my life forever. The thrilling and intriguing plot, the delicate and subtle emotions, and the heart wrenching tragedies...
Beautiful.
Mother of God...
I think I love you.
kellimcgraw.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/bill-crying-blood.jpg
The biggest problem I see with this fic is that your conversation grammar is correct. I mean, look at this:
You replaced the period/full-stop with a comma, just like you're supposed to. And that "said"... the 's' isn't capitalized. Again, just how it should be.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/693/648/fbb.png
Your badfic is better than mine. Fimfiction won't even let me publish mine. :(
Oh come on! If you're going to badfic, you can't just ignore the "Good Guys Are Secretly Tyrants" badfics. Especially with how Edgy(tm) you can make a 'rebellious' character.
Uuuugh! Why did I choose to read this in the library, why? It was a painful idea. Have you tried reading it without disturbing the other user of the library with crazy laughing? It is possible, but very hard.
Also I was very disapointed, the title said it was going to be bad, and it was good!
You lied to me, you vile fiend!
More seriously, good job. It wasn't great, not enough finess and subtelity for that, but it certainly was good and enjoyable. Very enjoyable.
Thank you.
6998040 6998090 6998093 6998124 6998225 6998265 6998328 6998646 6998657 6998673 6998691
Thank you!
So glad people are enjoying this. And I have to say that after getting some sleep, and then coming back online some time after I woke up (I keep strange hours), I was pleasantly surprised to see this thing somehow on the featured list.
Dislikes should count as likes on this story cause why not.
6998096
Who but a Wai Fu master could be the waifu of so many bronies?
6998214
Actually, "Waif Fu" is different from "Wai Fu". The art of "Wai Fu" gives female characters legions of devoted male followers, whereas "Waif Fu" involves petite young girls kicking all kinds of ass. (See the collected works of Joss Whedon.)
6998222
Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! The Canterlot Colosseum blows up in an epic Sue-off between two of the biggest Mary Sues of all time! Snowflake! Cassandra! Winner take all, no specialness barred! We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need... THE EDGE!
6998294
Well, given that I'm considered an "actual author" by site standards, yes.
But were they written by anyone other than myself? No, of course not.
6998319
You say that like it's a bad thing...
6998364
Exactly! See that vast, sprawling meadow jam-packed with black sheep? Each one is special, unique, nothing like others, and completely misunderstood.
6998678
You'd be surprised how many times I've seen people make that error. It's like they're not paying attention to the horsey terminology at all...
6998707
I'll take that as a compliment!
6998722
That's a valid reason, as far as I'm concerned.
6998773
Must be truly hideous, then! PM me, 'cause now I want to check it out!
6998788
I never said it was a complete collection of badfic tropes.
The good news is that if I ever get inspired to add another "chapter", it wouldn't be that difficult to do. (Suddenly it's "The Pony Badfic Trilogy Plus One"!)
And I thought I was bad. Holy shit, I'm the messiah compared to this.
DerangedArt account
images.duckduckgo.com/iu/?u=http%3A%2F%2Frandomgifs.com%2Fimages%2Fimdone.gif&f=1
6998958
I'm sorry, I think I need a moment.
...Ok, I'm back. Ahem.
PLEASE OH PLEASE WRITE THIS!!
"Her eyes looked like the google chrome logo."
6998400
Nah, just mocking how common it is in this fandom for characters to either be long-lost royalty, or raised to royalty at the drop of a hat.
I'll consider that a compliment of sorts as well.
I mean, when you consider the number of quotes and responses required to properly react to an authentic badfic...
You got me there -- I should have screwed up the names a lot more than I did.
Three more days and she was out! She was going to take off her badge for good... and then this!
Sadly, so have I.
6998440
I don't know that it's that common, but I've certainly seen it -- as well as things equally bad.
Be careful what you wish for!
"Equestria Girls: the New Student, HomoSapien McHumanName".
Mission accomplished!
Perhaps one of the best things about this fic is the numbering system of the chapters.
Well played.
Now you need to
) use their love magic granted by the hidden power of the Crystal Heart and magical girl powers granted by the Tree of Harmony to tame the horde of misunderstood Displaced invading Equestria and assemble them into peaceful husbando herds for their friends to share.
pull from your asswrite the expanded followup trilogy where the half-alicorn/half-goddess/half-changling/half-dragon/half-griffon/one-quarter seapony twin daughters of Special Snowflake and Hidden Princess (OTP, and I'll cut you if you disagree6998424
You can't please everybody, and everyone's entitled to their opinion.
[insert ponyshrug image of your choice here]
...maybe that's why you don't like it?
6998476
Whoops! Missed the fact that you had a third comment!
Well, you know how it is -- actual badfic is often vague about actions or intentions because of reasons. And stuff.
6998597
I already did a terrible "displaced" story.
6998600
"I'm making a career of evil."
-- Blue Oyster Cult
6998745
You're right -- my biggest weakness is that I lack that particular weakness. Oh, sure, I could simulate it... but then I'd want to jam ice picks in both of my ears.
6998891
This greatly pleases my inner Pinkie Pie.
See above, re: career of evil.
This isn't the sort of thing meant to be written with subtlety; this is the sort of thing meant to be a great big hammer of words. But I'm glad you enjoyed it despite that.
6998948
Makes sense to me!
6998963
"I say you're the messiah! I should know, I've followed a few."
-- Monty Python's Life of Brian
6999069 I mean I can't understand why you even wrote it. As I said this fic is SOOOO meta it isn't even subtle about it.
Majin Syeekoh made once a fic "You're better than you think". Though I didn't understand until later how meta it was it had a certain "feel" in it.
It felt real. It felt like a real story.
Here this is barely constructed as a story to the point that no pretense is kept.
Not even Deadpool shatters the 4th wall so hard.
I know very well why this fic is here and why people like it.
6998982
In the eloquent, thoughtful words of famed orator and former president George W. Bush, "Bring it on."
6998987
I'd have to see what Cassandra's creator thinks. But I've certainly got enough terrible Mary Sues to work as supporting characters...
6998992
You know how it is -- Mary Sues often have "special" eyes...
6999021
Thank you! I wanted to show with those numbers that I was just scratching the surface of available badness.
6999068
This would clearly require hundreds of thousands of words! I'll have to start up a Patreon account so people bribe me to insert their OCs and otherwise pander to them. Also, in order to keep my distractions to a minimum as I churn out kilowords of dreck, I'll have to get a legion of "cult of personality" followers to stir up drama around/against any of my detractors. And if they could ceaselessly kiss my hack ass for every bit of verbal wankery I upload to the site as well, that would be great.
6999069
I guess it is. And as far as this kind of short parody goes, it was well done. Not too much, not too few, just the good dose.
So of course I enjoyed it
Buuuuut! I once read the master piece, the fic that descontructed all the abd fic of it's fandom while being a great fic in itself: Marie D Suesse And The Mystery New Pirate Age! by Phalanx.
My standards have been somewhat screwed up since then.
6999112
Because it amused me. Sorry my personal choices are so distressing to you.
Bingo.
Right again.
So they should stop liking what you don't like?
So is there gonna be one of these with a ton of typos and a My Immortal style Mary Sue for me to snicker at?
6999113 Then I'm afraid we must...work together.
I once wished for something like this. I now thoroughly regret my wish.
I believe this is best experienced by listening to this using a text-to-speech software. Bonus points if Microsoft Sam is used.
6999113 By the way I improved the Fic that I've developed some time ago by editing it and made a new chapter. Since your probably one of the only ones familiar with it can you reread my fic and see how much I improved since then. I don't plan it to be popular or anything-until I make a more popular fic and put the link in the description- But I need feedback even though It's only half way complete
You been literally the only feedback I got so far and you said something about the title
6999124 Also, I've only seen this fic out of your 9 fics and I'm already hooked; this is the kind of fic I prefer.