Twilight was in the royal library reading books when she stumbles upon a hidden door. The door leads to a room with a single book inside. The book was about King Sombra. Twilight reads the book about King Sombra's past. When Princess Celestia comes in and yells at Twilight about reading the book and says she's cursed when King Sombra came and took Twilight away.
Page generated in 0.068 seconds
Total duration
777 users online
574,055 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
i.imgur.com/lgiNSjV.gif
2472513 That's rather insulting...
2472513
Hey man! Don't be leavin' me hangin'!
2472531 You're right. It really was. Don't worry, though, I forgive you.
2472558
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/252/589/d49.png
Owie. This just isn't very good, I'm afraid to say. You don't bother to describe... well, anything. What does the royal library look like? I can picture a white box with a lot of books piled at one end. Maybe a nice red rug. The point is, I just don't know, so I'm having to picture what I'd do for a royal library, when it's your job as a writer to paint the scene. What does the SombraBook(tm) look like? Uh... huh. When did Celestia enter the library? Oh, right, we never actually get to see that. It's really dull to read, like a book marketed at toddlers, so please, set the scene adequately, use emotion, and try not to tell us everything.
Show vs Tell is a big problem in writing, especially fanfiction. Here's a link. Your writing contains far too much telling, hence your complete lack of description, which causes the pacing to be incredibly fast. The story of Sombra could have been a hundred times more interesting if you'd bothered with actual dramatic pacing, maybe stretched this out to 3k words or so, before having Twilight cursed, so there's some actual tension to it. As it is, the whole thing happens so fast that it's actually a complete anticlimax. There's not tension whatsoever, we're just kinda thrust into this, told some kinda boring stuff from The Life And Times Of Sunbrass, then Celestia poofs into existence, causing Twilight to have a fainting spell. I know that last one wasn't entirely accurate, but it happens so fast that I just don't care about the situation enough.
Your opening line is abysmal, though, sorry to say that.
That's right up there with 'One day' and 'Once upon a time' for the most dull openers to a story ever. It's about as gripping as a greased noodle, and provokes a kind of 'yes... and?' reaction. This ties in with your apparent inability to describe things, because if you had bothered, this might be more interesting to a prospective reader.
Sorry, bored now
.
~Lord Sunder, Freelance Lurking Madman
2472558-.-
This hurt to read. There was nothing to describe...well ... anything...
Even the description of the story made little sense.
2472601 Thank you. Thank you, this is CONSTRUCTIVE criticism unlike La Barata. I will definitely fix it next chapter/fanfic.
2472640
blogcdn.com/www.mandatory.com/media/2013/02/0f0.gif
2472513
dude posting tat isnt funy u douche
anyway, i thot it could just use alil work an then it would be rlly good!
keep goin!
2472640
If you want any help, message me and I'm sure we can work something out
Edit: Oh, here's a resource on sentence structure, which I believe you are in need of, although I would encourage you to look up your own writing aids. They're a google search away, seriously. Impishidea is good, too.
2473107 That's why I like your reviews on fics with low ratings - you use constructive criticism and not flaming.
2473229
Thank yah kindly
2473100 Go away, distrance
I read the whole of the first chapter of this story, and from what I can see, I'm not impressed. Now, when I'm reading, I often find a voice for the narrator; In this case, it was a thirty-something year old nursery school teacher reading a 'Spot' book in the tone of voice i'd reserve for reading the instruction manual for a washing machine. Most of your. Sentences are too short. And don't end. In the right places. For instance:
Should read more like
"Twilight Sparkle was in the Royal Library, looking for magic books. She had read all of the books in her library many times, and was hunting for something more novel to sate her need for new knowledge."
While my writing isn't the best by a long shot, it reads better than your opening sentence, which told us little about your main characters motivation. Simply that Twilight was reading. Come to think of it... I know nothing about the space shes reading in when this story starts. I know what its called, and that's about it. This lack of description turns the story into a list of facts and statements, and makes it incredibly boring to read. Lord Sunder was right here. Show, don't tell is important and you need to learn this when you write this.
As this is a story that is going to revolve around Sombra, your introduction has to absolutely develop him as a character that the readers can sympathize with, or someone that they can hate, depending on whether you are going to portray him as a villain, or a redeemable character. Your... list of facts about him again does nothing to make me identify with him. Its just dull.
However, if you can improve this, there may be a glimmer of hope for this story. I kind of liked the idea you were trying for here: flesh out your writing with descriptions, fix the sentence structure, and work on the back story for your supporting main character, and this might just interest me.
2472513 My sentiment exactly...
2473100
I know La Barata is probably supposed to respond to this, but I felt that it needs to be said.
2473417 Thanks a ton. It's thanks to you people who help me become better as a writer. As for right now, I'm going to keep it on the site but I'll be 'backstage' making it better. Thank you so much.
2473107 Again thank you for the help. I'm sure I might come to you for help. If you missed my other comment I said: "I'll keep it on the site but i'll be work 'backstage'." I'm going to redo this because I have a LOT of negative feedback.
And trust me, this was a tad bit rushed so I didn't read over it. But now I'm going to take my time to work. Thank you so much.
2473417
*whether
I don't know why all the hate is here. I rather enjoyed this, though it had a grammar, spelling, and punctuation problem, it was a pretty good read. This fic isn't as bad as a lot of the other fics where there seems to be up to no knowledge of proper anything. Giving a thumbs up, but it could use a l'il cleaning.
2474535
I'd like to think Kale and I did a decent job of helping this along, at least.
Because constructive criticism is clearly hate. Clearly.
2473291 No problem!
Though I admit, sometimes I go to stories with low ratings just to look at the comments.
2474940 No, what I meant by hate is stuff like La Barata posted, not constructive criticism.
The storyline itself is quite good, but you really need to work on combining your sentences, as well as detail. You also need to work a little bit on grammar, punctuation, and spelling. I hope to see improvement of this story in the future.
3444568 Yeah I'm doing my best to work on that.... Glad you like it though :)
Very interesting, I would like to see more.