Being the first of the crusaders to earn her cutie mark. Sweetie belle gets caught in the difficult life of stardom and friendship. And to make matters worst, Applebloom and Scootaloo won't talk to her in fear of being made fun of. A life of stardom doesn't come without a price...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is great! Considering it's your first fanfic, it's really good. A few pointers for the furutre:
-Be careful with run-on sentences and incomplete sentences
-Describe more things instead of saying them (exp: "I started sweating" or "I walked up nervously" instead of "I was nervous")
-Be more careful with staying in either past tense or present tense
All in all, I really liked the idea and think it's a great story so far.
Your story is interesting, but the spacing and grammar are not that great. If you could work those out, this would be awesome! So all in all, it just needs to be about 20% cooler.
2035492 Thanks I'll try to work on that
2035397 Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the feedback!
I haven't read this yet. I looked at the first chapter and have one word for you.
Indent.
Either leave a space between each paragraph or start each one with and indent. It's real easy, just hit the tab button or tap the space bar a few times. This will eliminate the wall of text that makes people run away.
Fix that and you will have a story.
This was awesome! Can't wait to read more!!
2036484 Thanks! I'll work on that.
2036593 Thanks I glad you enjoyed it! I will be updating the story ASAP.
2037532 OK, I've read this now and I have some more advice for you. Sweetiebelle is two words and Applebloom should be as well. So Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, respectively. There are several times that you missed a capital, usually in names. That can be fixed easily if you go back and re-read this. Just fix them as you go along.
Also, this seemed a bit rushed. Don't worry, most people rush sometimes, I know I do far too often. Spend more time on the bonding between Sweetie and her sister. Specifically, they go to spend their tokens, but on what? Give just a little more detail and this can improve lots. For example, rather than saying that Vinyl has a "light blue and blue" mane and tail, you could say something like "her mane and tail were a dark blue streaked with a lighter shade." Or something like that. I'm not feeling very descriptive today. Also, by adding more details you will be able to break up that wall in the middle of this chapter.
Another thing that might improve this would be if you did not change the POV. You do not really need Cheerilee placing the papers on the desks or her describing the Crusaders (btw, "Cutie Mark Crusaders" should be capitalized). You could have Sweetie describe those things as she walks into the classroom.
That is the only advice I have that has not yet been given to you here. No wait, I have one more thing to say.
The best advice I can give to a new writer is to write and read as often as you can.
Well, that's all I have for you today. Goodnight and good luck!
2040072 Thank you so much for the help! I will use this in my next chapter.
>> Greenblaze np! ;)
Hi!
The point of view needs to be clearer. It starts as third person, then switches around to first person, then first person from another point of view.
My suggestion would be to pick third person. It's much harder to write first person successfully. Then when you switch points of view, don't have a line with "POV so-and-so." Put a simple mark, and make it clear whose point of view it is in the narration.
Silver Moon is right about nearly everything. That's a quicker way to put this! And do keep writing. It's the only way to get better and better!
2045993 Thanks For the feedback! I'll fix that next chapter.
Can't wait till next chapter
Wow. Scootaloo is an idiot.
2388808 Yeah I'm going to try and clear that up for the next chapter.
Discoooorrrrd