The fall of friendship

by Greenblaze

Fun and games

“Well, the cutie mark crusader gem hunters ended horribly.” Applebloom said sadly.
“I still don’t know how we managed to not find any gems. Even with Rarity’s gem finding spell.” Sweetiebelle said sadly
“Maybe it was because we were looking for them in downtown PonyVille?” Scootaloo said flatly
“Whatever, but this time I’m sure it’ll work. The cutie mark crusader weather patrol!” Applebloom said happily.
“There are two things wrong with that Applebloom. One I’m a unicorn and you’re an earth pony, we can’t control the weather. And two Scootaloo can’t fly, let alone she too young.” Sweetiebelle said
“Hey shut up! Just because my wings don’t support my body weight yet doesn’t mean I can’t fly!” Scootaloo raged
“Yes it does.”
“NEVERMIND CRUSADERS!!!” Applebloom yelled.
“But she started it.” Scootaloo pointed her hoof at Sweetiebelle.
“I don’t care who started it I’m ending it!” Applebloom hit Scootaloo’s hoof.
“Great, now you sound like my mother.” Scootaloo rolled her eyes. Applebloom glared at her.
“Never mind, can we get back to finding our special talents?” Sweetiebelle pleaded.
“Fine.” Applebloom refocused. “Okay so what do we want to do today crusaders?”
“Oh I got it! Cutie mark crusader scientists!” Sweetiebelle exclaimed.
“I don’t know, sounds kind of lame.” Scootaloo said.
“Oh come on, it’ll be fun!” Applebloom jumped.
“Okay fine. What will we test?” Scootaloo gave a look of boredom.
“Not sure. Oh maybe we can ask Ms.Cheerilee! She always has great science ideas. Plus I wanted to ask her a couple of things.” Applebloom suggested.
“Yeah let’s go ask Ms.Cheerilee!” Sweetiebelle agreed.
“Ugh fine.” Scootaloo sighed.

***
“Ms.Cheerilee!” Sweetiebelle yelled from down the street. Ms.Cheerilee turned around to find the cutie mark crusaders. She gave a look of confusion.
“Hi girls, why aren’t you at home studying?” Ms.Cheerilee asked.
“Well we wanted you ask yo-… studying , why would we be studying?” Applebloom asked.
“Exams are tomorrow. You do know they’re worth 70% of your grade, right?”
“Exams are TOMORROW!!! I completely forgot!” Sweetie shrieked. “Sorry girls but I need to go study; rarity would kill me if I fail the exams! Bye Ms.Cheerilee. Bye girls.” Sweetiebelle galloped off.
“I need to go too. Applejack would ground me for a month if I fail! Thanks Ms.Cheerilee! Bye Scootaloo!” Applebloom sprinted to sweet apple acres.
“What they said.” Scootaloo dashed off too, leaving a very confused Cheerilee.
____________________________________________________________________________________
The next morning POV Ms.Cheerilee
____________________________________________________________________________________
“It’s nearing 9:05. I better begin getting the exams ready.” I thought to myself. I begin laying exams face down on the desks. I remembered the encounter from the crusaders yesterday. I prayed that they would make it through alright. Just then fillies and colts begin pouring into the classroom. I managed to find the crusaders. They’re in bad shape. Sweetiebelle’s mane was tangled and she was reciting equations to herself. Applebloom looked like she didn’t sleep nor eat. And Scootaloo looked distracted and out of the world. Not too big of a change there.
“Good morning class.” I said in my normal happy tone.
“Good morning Ms.Cheerilee.” I noticed when they replied most that where nervous and the crusaders all looked out of this world and into the land of studying… accept Scootaloo. I didn’t let it bother me too much.
“As you all know, exams are today. I can easily tell most of you are nervous. But don’t worry, we’ve gone thought it all so it shouldn’t be too hard. As a quick reminder, I’m going to do a quick run over of the rules.”
“Not again.” Diamond tiara sighed. I ignored the comment.
“1. No cheating, If I catch you cheating I take your exam and give you a 0. 2. No talking, if I hear you talking you’ll be sent outside to finish your exam. 3. Once you’re done, you give me your exam and you may head home. There’s nothing else today so you may go home. You have 3 hours. Good luck.”
___________________________________________________________________________________
POV Sweetiebelle
_________________________________________________________________________________
I begin feeling nervous as I look down onto the page. It looks hard, but I can understand it. As I wright my exam, time seems to slow down as I quickly do my work. Next thing I now, I’m finished and it took me 45 minutes to finish. I slowly stand up and trot to Ms.Cheerilee and hand in my exam. I trotted back to my desk, gathered my things, and began to Rarity’s boutique. “Oh wow, that was easier than I thought.” I thought to myself. I walk slowly and look around PonyVille, as if it’s all new to me. I think it’s because I’m not used to getting out of school so early. I finally make it back to the boutique, and the first thing I see when I walk in is rarity finishing the dress she’s been working on for the past two weeks.
“Hi Sweetiebelle, how where your exams?” Rarity asked
“Not bad.” I replied
“That’s good. So Sweetie I just finished this dress and I have no other clients at the moment. So what would you say if we go to the arcade and have some fun?” Rarity smiled. I felt like I was going to burst with excitement.
“What, really?!”
“Well of course darling!” I hugged Rarity tightly. “Okay, let’s go then.” Rarity smiled
_______________________________________________________________________________
The arcade is now is view! I jump around wildly unable to control my excitement. I look over to Rarity. She’s wearing a big smile.
“Here we are. We’ll have to buy some tokens first, so be patient.” Rarity said as we walked into the arcade. Rarity walks up to the pony at the counter.
“Good morning, my sister and I want to have a great time. Would you recommend anything?” He thinks about this for a minute. Then he shows Rarity a list of some activities.
“I would recommend the alpha pack. It includes go carting, bumper cars, 250 tokens, and golf.”
“It sounds good. What do you think Sweetiebelle?” Rarity smiled at me.
“It sounds great!” I squeaked. Rarity giggled.
“Okay so we’ll take two alpha packs.” The counter pony nodded and gave us two purple bracelets, and two red plastic cards.
“That’ll be 40 bits.” Rarity opened her saddle bag and handed over the bits. ”Thank you and have a great time.” Rarity thanked the counter pony and we began walking into the arcade.
“So Sweetie, what do you want to do first?”
“Can we go to the bumper cars?” I asked
“Of course we can.” Rarity smiled. We walked to the bumper cars area, showed the employees are bracelets and chose our cars. I chose a pink one and Rarity chose a blue one. I sat in my car waiting for the busser indicating to start. We were the first in the cars but it didn’t take long for the cars to get filled. Once the busser went off I went racing after Rarity. I caught her off guard and it startled her. Once she recovered from the sudden hit. She laughed and raced off to get revenge. Over all, we were in the bumper cars for about 5 minutes. But it felt like only a minute or two. Then we decided to race in the go carts. I barely beat her. And I was laughing the whole time. We then head off to golf. We played roughly 16 rounds then we got bored and went to spend our tokens. I wanted to play all the games with Rarity. And she liked the idea too. We bounced from co-op game to co-op game, from racing games to hunting games to bowling. I was enjoying every second of it. At one point Rarity went off to go get some food for us. I was looking around at the arcade and I found a karaoke corner. I galloped to Rarity and told her where I was going. She just nodded and continuing ordering the food. I galloped back to the corner. There was a small line, and a large audience. I waited in line for my turn. Next thing I know it’s my turn. I felt nervous and unsure but I couldn’t back down now. I looked over to the DJ she was a white coated unicorn with light blue and blue mane and tail with an eighth note for a cutie mark. I told her the song I wanted to sing she nodded and smiled. I walk to the microphone more nervous and unsure than before. The music started up behind me. I pushed all my thought and worries out if my head…and sang. I did my best to keep up with the beat and remember the lyrics at the same time. But with that aside I felt happy about being on stage. But the thought of everypony laughing at me was overwhelming. So for this sake I kept my eyes closed. And as soon as it came, the song was finishing. I sang the finishing lyrics and heard the song fading behind me. I waited until the song finished.Then I opened my eyes for the first time in the song. I see every pony in the arcade has stopped, and was looking at me. Every pony’s jaw had dropped. I felt embarrassed and started to walk off the stage with my head hanging low. Then a massive cheer came from the crowd. Clapping, cheering, and whistling came from the crowd. At that very moment with everypony cheering and clapping for me, I felt the happiest I’ve ever been. I walked off the stage as the clapping started settling down. I easily find Rarity, and she hugs me close.
“Congratulation Sweetiebelle!”
“You liked it!” I looked up. She releases me from our hug and says.
“Yes, but that’s not why I’m congratulating you.”
“What?” I questioned. Rarity giggled.
“Look on your flank.” My eyes narrowed at the possibility, and quickly looked to my flank, to find a cutie mark has appeared! It was a microphone and a chord to show my love for singing. I screamed.
“MY CUTIE MARK!!” Realising what I just did I blushed. Rarity giggled again.
“Here let’s call it a day and go home okay?” I nodded and thought to myself.
“I can’t wait to see what the crusader’s and diamond tiara’s reactions will be.”

Author's Note:

Hi, thanks for reading my first fan fiction. I hoped you enjoyed it. Can you please tell me how it was and give me feedback. Again thanks for reading and please give me feedback.

Comments

[QofD]

This is great! Considering it's your first fanfic, it's really good. A few pointers for the furutre:
-Be careful with run-on sentences and incomplete sentences
-Describe more things instead of saying them (exp: "I started sweating" or "I walked up nervously" instead of "I was nervous")
-Be more careful with staying in either past tense or present tense

All in all, I really liked the idea and think it's a great story so far.

[Jagged Fox]

Your story is interesting, but the spacing and grammar are not that great. If you could work those out, this would be awesome! So all in all, it just needs to be about 20% cooler.

[Greenblaze]

2035492 Thanks I'll try to work on that

[Greenblaze]

2035397 Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it and thanks for the feedback!

[Silver Moon]

I haven't read this yet. I looked at the first chapter and have one word for you.
Indent.
Either leave a space between each paragraph or start each one with and indent. It's real easy, just hit the tab button or tap the space bar a few times. This will eliminate the wall of text that makes people run away.
Fix that and you will have a story.

[supermegakittykat]

This was awesome! Can't wait to read more!!

[Greenblaze]

2036484 Thanks! I'll work on that.

[Greenblaze]

2036593 Thanks I glad you enjoyed it! I will be updating the story ASAP.

[Silver Moon]

2037532 OK, I've read this now and I have some more advice for you. Sweetiebelle is two words and Applebloom should be as well. So Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom, respectively. There are several times that you missed a capital, usually in names. That can be fixed easily if you go back and re-read this. Just fix them as you go along.
Also, this seemed a bit rushed. Don't worry, most people rush sometimes, I know I do far too often. Spend more time on the bonding between Sweetie and her sister. Specifically, they go to spend their tokens, but on what? Give just a little more detail and this can improve lots. For example, rather than saying that Vinyl has a "light blue and blue" mane and tail, you could say something like "her mane and tail were a dark blue streaked with a lighter shade." Or something like that. I'm not feeling very descriptive today. Also, by adding more details you will be able to break up that wall in the middle of this chapter.
Another thing that might improve this would be if you did not change the POV. You do not really need Cheerilee placing the papers on the desks or her describing the Crusaders (btw, "Cutie Mark Crusaders" should be capitalized). You could have Sweetie describe those things as she walks into the classroom.
That is the only advice I have that has not yet been given to you here. No wait, I have one more thing to say.
The best advice I can give to a new writer is to write and read as often as you can.
Well, that's all I have for you today. Goodnight and good luck!

[Greenblaze]

2040072 Thank you so much for the help! I will use this in my next chapter.

[supermegakittykat]

>> Greenblaze np! ;)

[scoots2]

Hi!

The point of view needs to be clearer. It starts as third person, then switches around to first person, then first person from another point of view.

My suggestion would be to pick third person. It's much harder to write first person successfully. Then when you switch points of view, don't have a line with "POV so-and-so." Put a simple mark, and make it clear whose point of view it is in the narration.

Silver Moon is right about nearly everything. That's a quicker way to put this! And do keep writing. It's the only way to get better and better!

[Greenblaze]

2045993 Thanks For the feedback! I'll fix that next chapter.