• Member Since 6th May, 2013
  • offline last seen April 24th

sbloom85


MSTifying ponies since 2012.

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Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon harass the Cutie Mark Crusaders again and they are getting sick of it.

What do the CMC do?

They go to the personification of chaos himself, Discord, for help to make their antagonists lives miserable for one day.

This story has two sequels:
A Ponyville Without Diamond
Diamond Tiara IS Special

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 54 )

Incomplete?

And good story, but i doubt Diamond Tiara would just change like that. Probably take a little more time, like a day or two, too think it over.

:twilightsmile:

Not bad, not bad at all.

I`ve read better, but i`ve definately read worse aswell. Just one thing bugged me a little bit. It felt a wee bit rushed.

Other then that, no objections

3870626

I just changed it. And yeah, I don't think Diamond would either.

3870627
About the same. If any objections, it could probably do with maybe being a couple thousand words longer.

3870665

3870627

Sorry about that. That's a problem I have when writing stories. Thanks for the input though.

While it's certainly obvious why Discord would want to cause chaos, he seems to prefer plausible deniability when talking to his "friends" nowadays. Rather than simply have him tell Fluttershy "nope" when she asks if there's any chance of talking him out of it, he should go on about how he owes the Cutie Mark Crusaders a favor (he totally does, they broke him out of the statue the first time) and how teaching those two bullies an important lesson about not being bullies and spreading the belief in friendship and blah blah blah... and then Fluttershy sighing and being all "Just don't hurt them please, and keep it to the one day".

Discord probably isn't going to want to give the impression that he takes orders from foals on a regular basis; he'll do this for the CMC because he likes the idea (and because he owes them, and possibly because he's trying to win them over and befriend them because they are much more chaotic than their sisters and if he's friends with the little fillies that makes it much less likely that their older sisters will ever move against him), but you should make it a little clearer that his motivation isn't just "Hey, somepony asked me to make chaos and I was bored", because otherwise, he might add "improvements" to their idea. The fact that he keeps it to the one day that they requested despite being disappointed in that requirement suggests he does have motivations aside from "Yay, chaos!" (though that one's pretty big.)

3870768

No worries, it takes practice thats all. Most of us all started with the exact same problem.
Just keep on going and you`ll be writing 6 to 10K chapters in no time :twilightsmile:

I feel the ends sort of began to fall on its face, DT was already worried her friend may or may not have her cutie mark, even willing to ignore her not having hers like she did for Diamond back before Diamond had gotten her own cutie mark, to suddenly blackmailing Diamond and frowning about whether they should help her off the floor?

*shrug*

Not bad, it was cute and didn't demonize the CMC. They stayed adorable for the most part, yet having Silver lie to her friend and then choose the CMC over her felt wrong. I guess the new perspective was she can have more friends than a loyal friend I guess.

Mmm... I guess you get a like for the CMC and the premise. Though Fluttershy just letting Discord do what he wants without some sort of consequence feels odd.

I think the only thing, barring the fact the mane 6 seem to be fully aware that DT and Silvy pick on the CMC, was Diamond's mom calling her daughter "vain". I guess I'm just too old school, but is it normal for a parent to tell their child so casually "you're vain"? Like, being vain is a good thing or they just don't care?

Ending was a bit forced. Silver could be vocal and remind DT they ARE blank flanks again so "meh" why not mess around for a day and DT going along with it, but that ending felt like such a betrayal compared to DT's POV. And it's cuter still since it's even telling us it's blatant blackmail.

You get an A for effort though. I feel more could of been explored, and Fluttershy could of probably gotten Discord to pay for getting into foalish affairs.

If you ever feel like expanding on the day they spent together and maybe paint Silver's want for DT to put aside her rivalry with AB and the gang a try, I'd say you have a lot of easy spots here you can add to prior to switching to the end of the day and moving the ending stuff for the next chapter which could lead on to expanding on Silver being introduced to Discord, CMC essentially admitting they did this to get even with Silvy and DT.

I mean I'd be pissed if someone made my friend cry like that and pretended to be worried about me when in truth they wanted to see us look and feel bad about losing our cutie marks. One big angry moment about how DUMB they were or something, before calming down and go on from there.

Anyhow, props for not making the CMC too messed up. But they felt like fakers then anypony showing any form of actual guilt, except Scoots who honestly said she didn't care which made it seem cute as I thought she was forgetting to play along or something.


TL;DR: Description needs better wording as it reads "Diamond and Silver pick on the CMC again but are tired of doing that now." essentially. Nice premise, ending felt mean/forced.

You need to rework the description a bit. Right now, the 'they's refer to DT and Spoon, which doesn't make much sense. The CMC also don't hire Discord, but rather just ask him for help.

Overall, rushed.

The story needed to spend more time with DT and Spoon, especially when they first discover their cutie marks are gone, how they come up with a plan to get them back. The time frame of a day is also a bit short, as DT and Spoon would need more incentive than half a day to open up to the CMC. They'd visit doctors to see if its an ailment, hit up Twi, possibly even go to Zecora first. To do this right, you've got to spend more time with the Terrible Twosome, in other words, as those are the ones you're reforming. They ought to be the main characters... Alternately, the CMC need to do something that "accidentally" exposes the blank flankness, rather than having the TT confess.

Spoon needs a reason to flip sides and betray her best friend. The show makes it pretty clear that Spoon truly feels superior and shares DT's attitude in regard to the CMC. Doesn't mean she cannot reform first, but rather that this ties into the rushed thing. With a longer time frame, you could have DT and Spoon picked on by others, possibly even younger foals from a class prior. Maybe it is while Spoon isn't with DT, and the CMC come to her rescue or something. And that sort of thing could give Spoon a reason to change.

And, of course, there's the issue that DT and Spoon don't really have anything against blank flanks. The two were most likely best friends before DT got her mark, and both took just fine to Babs, despite her blank flank issue. The blank flank thing is something they use to target the CMC, but even if the CMC had cutie marks, the terrible twosome would most likely pick on them anyways. The CMC's general tendency to screw things, be oblivious, have kooky relatives, and tendency to react to the teasing, well... entitled, spoiled kids like DT and Spoon would pick on them regardless. The TT are the cool kids, the cheerleaders, jocks. The CMC? They're the outcasts. Doesn't mean they can't pick on them about being blank flanks or to decide to stop picking on them, just saying there's a plethora of reasons to pick on the CMC ;)

Also, has the usual bit of the mane 6 knowing the TT tease the CMC, yet nothing in the show indicates that. The opposite, in fact. AB's family, for example, has on multiple occasions referred to DT and Spoon as AB's friends. The show does this in part to explain why DT and Spoon can continue in their role as sympathy/motivation generators for the CMC. We're supposed to believe the adults are good, caring individuals, and if they actually knew the quantity of teasing was sufficient to evoke a nasty response, they would step in.

I'd love to see a longer version of it though. You weren't really harsh on DT or Spoon (and that's a good thing), and even dabbled a bit into DT's psyche. Just needed more of that :scootangel:

Couple of grammatical notes:

“Blank flanks!” Her and Silver Spoon sung in unison.

She and Silver Spoon, not her. You wouldn't say "her sung". Additionally, a conversation attribution (the sung here) is part of the same sentence, so the "she" should be lowercase, not with a capital first letter.

“At least he agreed to do it.” Sweetie Belle noted.

In cases like this, where you have dialogue ending in a period and followed by a conversation attribution, the period get replaced with a comma. Other sentence ending bits of punctuation don't. Just the period.

Comment posted by Telaros deleted Jan 30th, 2014

The story itself felt a teeny tiny bit rushed, but overall it was a cute story :)

That was a nice story. Well done

3871516

Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

3871521

To be honest, I was expecting something different, possibly darker considering that Discord was involved, but it had a nice, happy ending. A rare thing for Diamond Tiara.

:heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart::heart:
I LOVE THIS STORY!!

:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy: I could see this being an episode so much oh my god!!!!!!!! :scootangel:

This fic was just so perfect in every way I loved it! :pinkiegasp::pinkiehappy::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry::raritystarry:



:pinkiesmile: :scootangel:

Nice way to get back at someone that isn't cruel or mean. just make them feel what THEY were doing to you. I like it

Ah, vengeance is best served with a laugh:

3872074

I haven't seen that Batman in a long time. Jack Nicholson was the best Joker in my lifetime.

I loves me a good prank story.:scootangel:

Now that's funny!!! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

3872113 One of the best! :pinkiehappy:

Good story.

3870855 Really? I thought he was already on his way to being released, and used some of his leaked magic to spark an argument between the three.

3930225

It could be interpreted either way. We didn't see the statue crack until after the argument; however, it was an absurd argument for those three to have with each other. So I suspect six of one, half a dozen of the other.

That was... AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :twilightsmile:

4505570
Glad you enjoyed it.

4505575 :pinkiegasp: Enjoyed it? I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :pinkiehappy:

You should put a comedy tag on it!!!!!!:pinkiehappy::derpytongue2::yay::trollestia::unsuresweetie::twilightsmile::twilightsheepish::raritystarry:

What goes around... comes around ladies and gentleman! Really good story bro!
And now, the song (which makes no similarities to the story whatsoever):

Ah the wheel of karma.

4742625
Thanks. Glad you enjoyed it.

You should lay back on the "like"s but other wise great story :pinkiesmile:

4746512
Not sure what you mean, but thanks.

4746569

You have silver spoon and DT say 'like' way to often.

4746584
Oh, sorry about that. I imagine Silver would be the type.

[youtube=youtube.com/watch?v=rX7wtNOkuHo]

4746591 as someone who RPs and writes for Silver and Diamond let me give you a little tutorial on the use of "like" in their speech.

If it is used at the beginning of a sentence "Like, OMG you are so lame!" that's them being arrogant and snooty if not a little cynical. Diamond would be most likely to put it at the first of her sentence when she's talking trash to somepony or trying to make herself sound more important much like Trixie refers to herself in the third person. Silver would only use it because she wants to sound like Diamond's equal. It's the equivalent of puffing out your chest to make yourself seem bigger then you are. yet sometimes you just look and sound like a fool for it.

If it's used in the middle of the sentence "Oh Dia that dress is like, soo cute on you!" it's more of a placeholder, allowing one to gather their thoughts. I use this when Silver is unsure what to say or she started off confident but needed a pause to find the right wording to make her self sound more sophisticated then she might or might not be. It's my headcanon that Silver actually has an extensive vocabulary whether she is middle, or upper middle class, allot like Rarity is. I highly doubt she is of the same class as Diamond which may make her insecure in their relationship, but Diamond is willing to associate outside her father's high class circle so long as the relationship is safe and or manageable.

letting Babs Seed take the lead and begcoming a minion herself of sorts was HIGHLY out of Character for Diamond but understandable because she met a bigger bully. One not afraid to threaten physical violence. So DT was forced into a submissive position yet she seemed cool with it because Babs seemed to be cool with her.

I don't see Diamond ever trusting anypony besides Silver in the near future. The only other pony she might trust is :twistnerd: because she is weak, insecure, and a safe bet either as a friend or to be manipulated.

but thats just my opinion.:twilightsheepish:

6006359
Thanks for the input. I'll try to do better next time.

6006441 it's important to be careful using it unless you want them to sound like vapid airheads. What I've given you is not from any research only my personal preference in how i choose to word their speech.

But it seems to work well enough to think that way when writing for DT and SS.

3871043 I concur. It's a good concept but it could have been explored more in depth. I think two more chapters could have told the tale in more detail.

and “

I know how vain you are, so I suggest getting back into your dress.”

that's not very tactful for a mother. That's something Diamond herself would say. "I know how important your looks are to you. I'll stall your father while you get dressed." that's better i think.:twilightsheepish:

6375313
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Really love your story! Did a reading if anyone is interested.

8370188
Awesome! Thanks!

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