• Member Since 24th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 13th, 2016

TheDerpyOutcast


The mod of Ask Violet Factory. The word Factory is there cause Rainbow Factory. I like to art and write. DRABBLE PROMPT NINJA FISH

T

Scootaloo as progresses through triumph, betrayal, redemption, and the truth, things change for both her and others.

Chapters (11)
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Comments ( 30 )

It went a little fast for my taste, :applecry: but I'm intrigued with what this story would be like and what you have to offer it. :derpytongue2:

I liked the idea, but the ending gave me a bittersweet feeling because I wanted more. :fluttercry: More conflict and more emotion. While it is the plot that ultimately makes the story, it is how that plot is told that would make reading so much more worth it (not saying it wasn't worth it to read this).

:derpytongue2:

This was a really sweet little story you have here, I feel it has much more potential than you wrote. It could have been stretched out more.

It's still a cute little story, but it could have been better ^_^

It's a good idea, love Scootalove, so many feels :fluttercry::applecry::yay:
this one felt incredibly rushed though, even if you want to keep it with just those couple events, it could have a lot more content
for example, in the first one, DT, Silver Spoon, and Rainbow seem to know everything as soon as they see Scootaloo, in DT and SS's cases, all they saw was scootaloo rush out for a 10 bit coin, which, as you pointed out, was something most colt's and fillies their age would do. It'd be better if you went into how they figured everything out and such.

also, clarification as to how much time passed between the first and second chapters would be really helpful, it again felt really abrupt

Wait a second, how does a sonic boom give some pony lightning bolts? Don't say "But Rainbow.." Because I know! She did a Sonic Rainboom, and that's different.

2399497. This was just an idea I had. But if you want, I'll add more.

2400808 EDITING TIME




(I edit if people point out changes that would improve the story)

2401410 duh. She got her cutie mark the same way Dash did.

2401597
I didn't mean to sound like I was ungrateful to what I had read :pinkiesad2: and I'm sorry.

:derpytongue2:

2409367 it's fine. I like to know what others think. Plus I was thinking about adding other important moments that fit in, like Scootaloo's parents returning, or being there the whole time or something.:derpytongue2:

What just happened? I know Rainbow Dash didn't rescue Scootaloo from Diamond and Silver, took her into her home, and helped her get her cutie mark, just so Scootaloo could become a bully herself?
:applecry:SAY IT ISN'T SO!!!:unsuresweetie:

2667405. All will be explained in good time.
All in good time....


(1h 38m later.... the time is almost fully present, and that time has newly begun)

Okay, I see the regret. However, I still want to know why she betray the crusaders. And where is she living that now she is living 'a life of luxury?' I honestly don't see Rainbow Dash allowing Scootaloo to live as such. BTW,

They all turned to her, looks of strength on their faces.

Whose 'her'? I thought is was Scootaloo's point of view? Also,

"What do ya traitor?" Asked Babs.

Are you missing a word?

2668134. (Why am I laughing at my mistakes being pointed out.)

This story is starting to look like a train wreck waiting to happen. Convince me otherwise.:duck:

2677354. Scootaloo fixes it(and the CMC).

2677354
Take your nasty comments somewhere else alright. I like scootaloo stories and I want to see where this goes.

2840391. Frankie is actually one of the people who kept me improving. She was just pointing out that it would end up a wreak. I like her.

wow this is good and i dint know u were doing more of this allso i dint know rainbow new she betrayed the CMCS

this chapter was abit confusing but good job

3135910. It was supposed to be. Glad I achieved my goal.:pinkiecrazy:

hmm it was good

I can see room for improvement...I was a bit lost at parts, but a good story, well done.

I just started re-reading this. I have some problems with this so far:

1) Your pacing is horrible. You keep time jumping without giving any foundation in the least. You say something in the past happened. Or that such in such led her to do X. Or hint at a past event. But then it's over and you plow onward to the next scene. It doesn't allow the user the chance to build upon what happens, or to get a good emotional connection to the story.

2) What exactly is Scootaloo's Special Talent / Cutie Mark? You say she got it from doing a trick. But You never mention it. She's acting as if her Special Talent is being a spoiled Trophy Wife. Or leaching off the wealth of others. Her character would be more believeable and have a deeper impact if rather than jump several months here, several months there, random time jump everywhere. It's really destroying your story.

3) Why is Scoots going from:

Oh I'm a poor tortured soul.

to

Yay! I'm loved and have everything I always wanted.

to

Yay! Everything is going so well that I'm going to destroy those who stood by me for predators who made my life hell for years.

to

Wow! I'm a jerk. Here's to fixing a problem that made no sense to begin with, but will surely make way to some important event in the story.

to

LolNope! I'm still a jerk?

Are you actually going to have pacing and development that means something for the story? Or is it just a hodgepodge of random short chapters? Also this story would be better if either A) The chapters were long enough to actually progress the story and develop things; or B) No / few time jumps to allow the bitesized chapters to build upon themselves to the point the story makes sense.

______________________________________

I'm going to put this story aside for a while. If I can get an understanding of this word stew of a story. Then I'll follow up from this chapter. If not. Then well good luck too you, but I won't be following it.

3689375 Hmm... I see what you mean. I'm getting around to editing all my stories but I've been on tumblr nonstop.:pinkiecrazy:

3743981

Haven't re-read this yet. Have you been able to edit this or get an editor?

Ha all the dodo comments have come back to bite apple bloom in the flank:rainbowlaugh:

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