Changes for Scootaloo

by TheDerpyOutcast

Sorry... Or Not

(Scootaloo's point of view, three months after Regrets)

I told them the truth three months ago, and now I want one thing; forgiveness. I'm striving to get myself on better grounds with my old friends. But because I live with a Wonderbolt, I spend the majority of my time at Diamond Tiara's house. But I get the luxury of being rich, which pays off.
I quickly scribbled a note to slip in Bab's locker, it read;

Dear CMC,

What I said three months ago was true, I am sorry. All I want is forgiveness from you. I still regret letting Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon convince me into being a Glitz Princess, and I ask for one thing, except my apology.

~The Traitor.

If this went smoothly, I would be forgiven, and I would drop being a Princess, on the other hoof, they could see this as a prank and I would just continue to mistreat them. I can even remember the words that somehow convinced me I was better than my best friends.

"They can't do anything, everypony except them has seen their special talent except for them. If you ask me they're useless in all possible ways."
"Your right... but they're my friends..."
"But you deserve better friends, ones who can match with the kind of class you deserve."
My expression went determined. "You're right, they are useless."
"We'd be much better friends."
To me, I had just been shown the light.
"You're right, you are so much better than those crybabies."

I shuddered looking back on the event that had happened almost three years ago. Quickly, without anypony knowing, I slipped the note through the grates in the door of the locker with a seed shaped lock, and hurried to my own across the hall.
I listened as a group of six sets of hooves stopped across the hall. I heard the six lockers in a row open, and listened as Light Breeze read my note aloud to the other Crusaders.
I suddenly felt all eyes on me, and turned to look at the five fillys and one colt.
"Is this true, Scootaloo?" Asked Dinky.
"If it was, would you even believe me?" I asked with a partial whimper.
They shared an unsure glance at each other.
"See, if it was you wouldn't believe me. You probably see this as a prank."
"Scootaloo, if ya really are sorry, why didn't ya tell us earlier?" Asked Apple Bloom.
"Because I couldn't. I knew that if I told you, you six wouldn't believe a word I said. I just finally worked up the courage to tell you."
The foals turned to each other, and whispered, glancing at me every once and a while.
"We forgive you." They said in unison.
"Wait! What if it's a trick?" Asked Light Breeze.
The CMC looked around and then started talking again.
"You WILL regret this, Cutie Mark Crybabies. Trust me you WILL be sorry that you refuse to believe me." I stormed off down the hall to where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's lockers were. I looked back at the CMC, who were all staring at me, and said "You will regret this. Just wait."

Author's Note:

Another twist on life!

Comments

[Frankie2]

This story is starting to look like a train wreck waiting to happen. Convince me otherwise.

[TheDerpyOutcast]

2677354. Scootaloo fixes it(and the CMC).

[TheGreatEater]

I just started re-reading this. I have some problems with this so far:

1) Your pacing is horrible. You keep time jumping without giving any foundation in the least. You say something in the past happened. Or that such in such led her to do X. Or hint at a past event. But then it's over and you plow onward to the next scene. It doesn't allow the user the chance to build upon what happens, or to get a good emotional connection to the story.

2) What exactly is Scootaloo's Special Talent / Cutie Mark? You say she got it from doing a trick. But You never mention it. She's acting as if her Special Talent is being a spoiled Trophy Wife. Or leaching off the wealth of others. Her character would be more believeable and have a deeper impact if rather than jump several months here, several months there, random time jump everywhere. It's really destroying your story.

3) Why is Scoots going from:

Oh I'm a poor tortured soul.

to

Yay! I'm loved and have everything I always wanted.

to

Yay! Everything is going so well that I'm going to destroy those who stood by me for predators who made my life hell for years.

to

Wow! I'm a jerk. Here's to fixing a problem that made no sense to begin with, but will surely make way to some important event in the story.

to

LolNope! I'm still a jerk?

Are you actually going to have pacing and development that means something for the story? Or is it just a hodgepodge of random short chapters? Also this story would be better if either A) The chapters were long enough to actually progress the story and develop things; or B) No / few time jumps to allow the bitesized chapters to build upon themselves to the point the story makes sense.

______________________________________

I'm going to put this story aside for a while. If I can get an understanding of this word stew of a story. Then I'll follow up from this chapter. If not. Then well good luck too you, but I won't be following it.