• Member Since 24th Feb, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 13th, 2016

TheDerpyOutcast


The mod of Ask Violet Factory. The word Factory is there cause Rainbow Factory. I like to art and write. DRABBLE PROMPT NINJA FISH

E

Two mortal enemies learn the truth of their shared pastime, but will the two make up, or will one become the others worst nightmare? Can Twilight face the truth? Will Trixie learn to forgive? Can the pair face the fact they were always connected by blood? Does Rainbow Dash have another mental break down? Be prepared to find out.

Chapters (8)
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Comments ( 29 )

I realize I put I instead of Trixie in her last spoken line.:trixieshiftleft:

2194131Did you realize that your chapters are too short? :trixieshiftright:

:trollestia:

2206837 I'm not good at long chapters. When ever suspense is present I tend to add a cliff hanger. I'll try to make them longer

This is my first submitted story. I can't write my thoughts down that well so please be merciful about dislikes. I have enough to deal with in life. I don't need negative criticism.

2208746I think that it's a great fanfic so far, besides grammar and length, but you probably shouldn't put down private information on a comment. Most people here, like my favorite writer Fanthrose, are adults, or the older version of us teenage bronies.:pinkiehappy:

I'm gonna say a line from SHED.MOV
Flutter Shy: WHAT I TELL YALL ABOUT COMING IN MY SHED!!!!!!!!!!!:flutterrage:

By story requests I mean give me a base line, and I see what I come up with

2268512Yo, Surprise 109, make the chapters a little longer that 3-5 paragraphs. Longer=better cliffhanger, making people want to read your stories, making it so you can actually have some sort of friend!:pinkiecrazy:Sorry, got caught up in my own personal flameout.

That author's note...Eww. Watches Shed.MOV... Wow.:rainbowderp:

It was a little hard to follow who was speaking.

2207689
I prefer quality over quantity. The chapter can be has short as you want, as long as you set the proper pace, get your point across and remember to fill all your plot holes. Let's see if the final chapter does that.

Get your point across...check.
Fill plot holes...the ending left a BIG one. Trixie just took off the Amulet and no one pounced? Trixie just got done terrorizing the place. I can see Twilight forgiving Trixie, but the rest of the town?
Proper pacing...see above.

I never was good at story writing.

2344807
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. You're doing good with Surprise. It's just my opinion, after all.

2346747 so far, likes have won for everything except Spectra.

Trixie...is...with foal.
You're damn right there had better be a sequel!:flutterrage: For you to write those extra 155 words and then just leave it like that?:twilightoops:
That would be too cruel beyond words.:raritycry: Please hurry with the sequel.:fluttercry:

2507979 I'll get on it when I can. I already have the foal's appearance down. I could probably have gotten to it today, due to the fact I had no school, but I worked on Surprise instead. I also learned simple Chineese, and that was a fun way to spend an hour, so I've had an awesome day!:pinkiehappy:

space it a bit more. Also the perspective was pretty rough.

....That. Was a train wreck. Honestly. Everything had hardly any build up or set up.

Why and how did Trixie know Princess Celestia that closely?

It was more rushed than a Nascar driver late for work.

Pretty much all the moments for build up or anything of the like are instantly resolved.

Yeah. I'm done.

Have a good life.

-YBG

2540317 Usually I don't have a lot of time, so I rush To get thget done:twilightblush: glitching



Sorry, keyboard is cluthing againAGAIN

Try to take your time when writing a story. The first rule to writing is patience.

2840401. Yeah. But this was my first story. (Posted here. The actual first composition is The Feeling) I've improved. And gone through lack of inspiration. And been without internet for a very long time.

I'm sorry you had your Kindle stolen.:fluttercry:

What will be the name of the sequel?

I don't know if you're still reading these comments since 2013 but I thought I'd leave one. I like the premise of your story. It shows you had a good idea and were able to follow through with the story line. I'm not too sure how old you were at the time you wrote this (young, since your parents took your kindle away:fluttershysad:) but you show good promise as a writer. I would suggest paying attention in English grammar classes and take a creative writing class to improve your talent. You should rewrite this into a much longer story. I'm sure with a little more age (and experience) under your belt, you will really make this story shine.

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