- Member Since 12th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen April 18th
ThunderDasher07
I'm not new to writing MLP fan fiction or fan fiction in general. I like to do crossovers among other things.
ThunderDasher07
Joined 12th Feb, 2013 ·
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Well the pacing is a big issue and Luna pretty much gets into the roleplaying with no buildup or conflict. This starts off decent but slowly gets worse. I think perhaps you should get a few prereaders and use their suggestions to improve this story.
So, is Luna a baby, or is there some sort of backstory appearing later on?
you would like to see how you're doing , with a story that isn't yours -.o?......
Intrigued by the subject matter but you need a proofreader....there were a lot of past/present tense issues...also there was no buildup or explanation as to what was going on...I think with a proofreader of editor some of these issues could be worked on...welcome to the site :)
Uh..........
The pacing is like a Nascar race, it's going a little fast. Maybe some backstory or explanation could help us understand.
Also if this isn't your fanfiction, whose is it?
Police!
i1285.photobucket.com/albums/a589/CplHenderson/Badges/001_zps73324c74.png?t=1365368038
Missing comma after "You"
Suddenly present tense!
.... there's something wrong here.
Right, aside from obvious gramatical errors, your pacing is, like...
Vroom
Slow down! You could easily have spread this out over two or three thousand words!
I suggest getting an editor and/or proofreader
Holy crap...
In the time it took me to read the first two paragraphs, a dozen events have already occured...
What just happened?
I get where you want the story to go, but the pacing and grammar errors are a little hard to get past. For one thing, I'd recommend breaking up some of Luna's actions into separate paragraphs. She doesn't need to walk over, open a chest, and say "I missed you Mr. Fuzzy" all in one breath--because that's how it reads right now.
But keep at it! I believe this story can work!
i.imgflip.com/2zj3.jpg
What have you done to our fair city.
Learn from this guy.
2391012
2391183
Hmm, what's this? Something that smells like the TWE? This is going to be interesting.
2391965 Oooooooh crap. It isn't against the rules, is it?
... I hope you got permission from the author to upload this here.
Anyways, intriguing idea ruined by poor execution.
The pace is extremely fast — far too fast, in fact. Also, the grammar's rather odd; you sometimes have multiple speakers in one line.
My suggestion: try to build up to Luna's foal play. Like maybe start out with her wetting the bed. And then transition into adult foal play as stress relief.
I also suggest getting a proofreader to polish the story.
2391979
Well, as long as you don't... what was knighty's blog entry...
Ah, here we go.
But as long as you keep the operation legitimate there shouldn't be any trouble.
Stroy's alright but you need to improve on the writing itself. Pacing like Rainbow Dash and the poor grammar spoil this story.
Also, make sure Darkentrophy doesn't see this... For the good of both of you.
2390905
I am the author. I made a mistake in the Author's Note.
2394838 oh k now it makes sense....
2391012
I am the author. I made a mistake in the Author's Note.
2392010
I am the author. I made a mistake in the Author's Note.
2396068
Alright, because I was about to be just confused to all hell.
My God... the pacing is so fast... you wrote it on a Concorde or something ?
2394412
2405928 OH DEAR GO-
Attention: The following comment is constructive criticism...
As previously pointed out by other reviewers: you need slow down the pacing, a better build up, and more of a plot for this story. No offense, but if this is the way you intended, then I'll toss this into my Trollfic. pile.
I am with 2405928 all the way here, this needs a F****** S***LOAD OF WORK!!! before it's worthy of a second chapter.
Now, I'm going to take a deep breath, remove this browsing window, and turn away without hitting the dislike button like the good psychopath that I am. This story's concept isn't used much, so it could have potential if you take the mistakes and... *shudder* ... grammatical errors... into account.
I'm not disliking yet, because I hope you'll fix the issues pointed out.
Good luck.
-PercepKey
More chapters please? :-) :-) :-) :-) :-)
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