• Member Since 31st Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

Final_Draft


Comments ( 78 )

Well, that was interesting, not quite like any Stable or Vault I'm familiar with... except maybe Vault 108 without all the Garies. I'll have to keep an eye on this one.

Holy carp, you finally posted it XD

Your book has been advertised on the new facebook group page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/ :)

7037666 There's more to be had with Stable 46, I assure you~ :twilightsmile: Though the Gary Vault had some indirect inspiration.

7040309 Not sure what a 'carp' is, but yeah, holy crap I posted~ :trollestia: I'm not at my goal of how many chapters to type up beforehand, but I figured I may as well post now rather than later. I'm hoping to post a few more, then get a chapter for L&T out.

7044512 Oooooooh~ thank you! I appreciate the post and the comment. :twilightsmile:

7045649 Well then, I look forward to seeing more of it.

7045649

Now i gotta get of my lazy butt and write my ghoul protagonist story

On another note, is the title purposely done like thay?


Usually it should be fallout equestria: *inserttitoe here

Good chapter, looking forward to seeing more.

7047132 Heh~ Yeah, that's on purpose. What it is now is what I thought it was supposed to be, plus it makes sense to me. It's the Fallout universe, but it's Equestria, and then the title of my story in particular. So "Fallout: Equestria, Darkness Falls". :twilightsmile: And what's your story about~? If I get time I would love to read it in turn.


7058589 Thanks~! :twilightsmile:

7058650 Your welcome, I'm a huge Fallout: Equestria fan, so been reading as many of them as I can find.

Will King Sombra be appearing in this story?

Good chapter, umm, not really sure what else to say here.

7144907 We'll just have to wait and see~ :twilightsmile:

7145437 Any compliment helps, thank you~ :twilightsmile:

7149740 Thanks for the feedback!

Truthfully, I had planned on it being longer, but then it felt waaaaay too long. I realize I was pushing it with the chapters that there were, but I also felt it a necessary evil.

Faith and realist are definitely themes that I picked when I conjured up this story. It's something I with we had seen a little bit more of in the original Fallout: Equestra, beyond the more casual esteem that Littlepip and Velvet Remedy held for the Princesses. I always thought: "What if it was more?" and started to imagine. :twilightsmile: (I wish there was a more cat-face pony emote on this site...)

With all the death and trauma typically found in these side stories, it sometimes seems like authors downplay these things, even when they are occurring to peaceful communities like stables. This story takes the time and puts in the effort to show the devastating impact a single death has upon all these characters. There is raw emotion embodied in the narration, and Silver feels more and more like a real character as a result.

I do appreciate that you took the time to introduce Clover a chapter before, so that she did not seem like just another dead body dropped into the plot to spur the protagonist into the wasteland. Her death actually feels disheartening, rather than procedure, undoubtedly helped too by the visceral style of narration. The pacing, in regard to the development of characters and the progress of events, is top notch.

Not much I found to be detrimental. However, there is an overdose of italics on words that often don't need them. The italics should be used sparingly lest the reader grow apathetic to phrases that need to be emphasized.

7153667 Reasonably soon, I hope. I mean, I tried to do the whole "scheduled updates" thing, but life just doesn't like to work out for me... plus writer's block likes to assail me with a cruel fervor. :ajsleepy:

But the one thing I will promise and keep is that I won't abandon my stories; especially Darkness Falls. I've had then story in my head for around two years, done Roleplays with these same characters that I've introduced so far and many more that will come in later chapters. What I can guarantee is that readers of this story are in for an epic ride! Stay tuned~

7172453 Yes!! Thank you for the wonderful comment and I'm glad that the early chapters of Stable 46 were able to accomplish what I was hoping they would; to have the intrusion and Clover's death to carry a heavy weight with the characters and the reader. Clover's death is definitely still going to have ripples, I can say for sure~

Good chapter, interesting idea with the Stygians.

Every memory I ever had of Clover dripped through me like acid.

That's a bingo!

Dawn poked her head in, that smile ever present, if strained from recent events.

Had she not heard the gunshot that was fired just seconds ago? What are those doors made of?

“I’d want justice. I would want the pony responsible to pay for what they’d done.”

Having Silver ask her friend about her hypothetical decision to go out for revenge is a small detail that could have easily been skipped over. Yet it speaks volumes about Silver's mindset that she did ask. It seems rather fitting that the most virtuous of the herd would try to reason around her personal motivation with something about the greater good or the indirect consensus of a close friend.

I could only hope so.

Even with that little shred of doubt, Silver could have thought to bring the 'demon construct' with her. To learn more about it.

I seemed to have mistaken Harmonics for Clover in my comment on Chapter 2. A major oversight on my part!

Onto the chapter proper, the aftermath of the incident is portrayed rather well. Everyone is sad, as expected, but the vibe is not overbearing angst. The dominant feeling is that of anxiety; of course, the stable inhabitants should now be wondering about their mortality and the security they have. Too bad they were still too naive to leave even one pony by the prisoner.

Silver's choice to exit the stable is handled characteristically, remaining true to her morals, her mentality, and her sense of responsibility as the priestess. There are numerous hints to the great potential this character has for her development. The subtle hints of corruption were especially enjoyable, seeing as they were woven skillfully into the narration.

Now comes the hardest part: breaking in the newcomer to the wasteland.

Oh fuck this story is awesome!:pinkiehappy:
It need more view! At first I thought this gonna be another stable mare driven from home cus bla bla bla. :trixieshiftleft: But fuck itsa really good and the way her stable living amused me.:twilightsheepish:
Good fuckin story comrade you should blyat write moar.
Still it have some white suka spots like why she reading words mom and dad daughter etc and not question it? :raritywink:
Keep writing.:rainbowwild:

“Okay, so I was wrong.” He shrugged as though it was of no consequence.

Our new character displays an irritating amount of stoicism. He makes jabs and casually tosses around either threats or accusations, but there is no personality in any of those actions. He just seems... like a stereotypical tough guy in his introduction. Not even a hint toward what his real personality is like. He should inspire interest, but he does not do so for me.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. “Please. I’m mended and just fine, thanks to you.”

Quite a savvy response you wrote there. It feels like a natural reaction to someone who has repeatedly made these death threats.

I blinked, confused by what I saw. “Just how many different demons are there?”

How curious. She labels the skeleton "Demon" instead of something holy like "Angel." A winged pony after all had clear connection to the Princesses Silver reveres. Then again, she does think the wasteland is hell. But surely Stable 46 has such a concept as fallen angels. It is an intriguing detail and a reminder that the religious upbringing of Silver should be explored more in the story.

Much the same was done for our dead in 46.

A great detail in environmental design that invited a welcome epiphany for our protagonist. The way this epiphany is understated makes it all the better.

Ghost suffers from a lack of generated interest due to a lack of personality. The case should be the opposite, since such a character needs readers invested in his enigma. Other than my misgivings with the new character, I had few problems with the chapter. The moments that need attention receive the minimum needed, and the story benefits from the downplayed element. Though I would like to see more done with the religious and moral conflicts within Silver (at least beyond just the matter of killing), the way this story unfolds has been enjoyable.

I look forward to the next chapter!

7285093 Thank you again for the feedback, it's great to get some criticism. :twilightsmile:

As for Ghost, for now he seems flat, but the way I'm trying to portray him, that is intentional. At this point in time he's not supposed to be super interesting, or interested in Silver. There is a reason, however, that he stays with her. One that I plan on showing down the road.

Silver doesn't refer to the skeleton as an "angel" or anything of the sort is for a couple of different reasons, and one of which is exactly as you said; she believes she is in hell, or some form of hell.

Arrugh~ The hardest part about this is that I want to elaborate right here and now, but I know it would be spoiled if I do. I want to discuss this so badly!! :raritycry:

7283605 Thanks~! :twilightsmile: The feel I was going for was that she doesn't know what those words mean and she is reserving judgment.

Am currently working on the next chapter, both for Darkness Falls and for my other story: Love & Tolerance.

And yeah, I wouldn't mind more views, really~ :twilightsheepish: But it's a ride I intend on finishing, regardless of how many read. :twilightsmile:

Good chapter, nice to see this fanfic updated again.

7589870 Thanks. I'm trying not to forget it, but, you know, life... :twilightblush: Updates will be slow, but I'm gonna try my hardest to get 'em out. Thanks for taking interest in my horse words :twilightsmile:

7404720 You're right, and that's because, in her logical mind, she figures that if she can find him quickly then she can get home sooner. Though, she will find that to be harder than she initially thought. :raritywink:

7590079 I know the feeling, but still its a good fanfic, I hope to see more in the future.

The first room we entered was some kind of basement and decorated with the desecrated corpses of their victims.

Are we just to assume that Silver doesn't have the courage to describe what she saw? She was not as tame in her descriptions of death and mutilation in previous chapters.

The former won that debate as I remembered why I longed for one so badly.

It seems strange for her to finally bring up the elephant in the room this far into the chapter. The easy-going narration and actions of the protagonist do not seem to indicate really any sort of stress beyond fatigue and confusion. But it is hard to imagine that this kind of pony would be reacting so nonchalant for half the chapter to the ashes she was wearing.

I could understand one that fought for materialistic possessions. The demons of tartarus would fight endlessly for scraps and for the souls of the damned.

That bit of interweaved religious context makes the reaction all the richer.

That seemed to give him a moment’s pause, but before I could cement the victory, “Not my problem.”

Even though the character of Ghost is still dreadfully dull, I did like this particular conversation on the traps. It gives hope that the character will eventually develop and become less boring.

Only now, instead of its colors holding any kind of beauty they signified the promise of death. As if the reaper’s scythe were at my throat.

So the reaper represents death in Silver's religion? Considering the origins of the Grim Reaper and its symbolism, I wonder why there was not something else that represented death in her Stable. Kind of hard to draw the connections with the Grim Reaper and death in this setting, when you consider the integral role stuff like decay, harvests, mourning, and darkness have in that symbolism.

The scene at the end had some really great pacing and an organic kind of tension thanks to the way you worked in E.F.S. The reveal of those yellow ticks and that red one worked well toward creating the cliffhanger and the high stakes involved.

Character interactions are improving; pacing is getting better; the narration is staying strong. It's a solid chapter with great conversations between the two leads and a strong sense of pacing. The only problems are those that already existed and remained unchanged. Ghost is just killing the story with a personality that has all the cynical narcissism of a ragged wasteland veteran without the intriguing emotional and psychological baggage that comes with that experience. Speaking of baggage, that emotional breakdown in the bathroom was pretty lacking too. It came too late and affected little of the remaining chapter, seeming more like an obligatory follow-up scene rather than anything story-changing.

Looking forward to the next installment!

7593969 Wow, thank you for the amazing feedback! :twilightsmile: It's always great to get such detail.

Silver's reactions to the Raider's "den" in the elementary school does seem a little jaded, far too soon since she only just recently dealt with raiders and their depravity. I suppose the feel that I was going for was that she's trying to block it out, trying to not let it affect her and it takes a more long-term toll on her. The same for the ashes of Deathrain; she was trying to ignore it, but her conscience wouldn't leave her alone about it.

I'm so glad you liked the end scene. I was sweating bullets over it and must have rewritten it like three or four times. :twilightblush: Plus, I felt like it's way too long between uploads, and I needed to get something out. In a way I wish I had waited, given what you pointed out. So in that endeavor, I'll make sure to question what I write more often, and with a logical approach to who my characters are. :twilightsmile:

Now that it's been brought up, I'm re-thinking the bit about the Grim Reaper's scythe as an analogy. It truly doesn't make as much sense as I hoped it would. That, and it's giving me a few ideas for those of Stable 46's design. :raritywink: Thanks for that! I have some time coming up and, if possible, I'll edit that chapter and those specific parts.

Thank you for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated and I'm beyond glad that you like the story. :twilightsmile: It's a ride that I've been dreaming of for quite some time.

Blyat' good suka chapter!:pinkiehappy:
Most important is that you should write her thoughts more detailed, even if she need to explain things in her head. Itsa hard blyat to understand why she things one way and not another in some situations suka. :ajsmug:
Keep writtinge!:twilightsmile:

7599549 Will do, thank you for the compliment. :twilightsmile: Working on 10

Good chapter! :pinkiehappy:
Still need editing. Like how the fuck she know that RadSc have venom in tail?:pinkiecrazy: Stuff like this.
And keep writting. :twilightsmile:

Good chapter! I really like this scene in basement. Keep it up! :pinkiehappy:

8397193
Thank you! :twilightsmile: I definitely will.

Good chapter! :pinkiehappy: Guess in her stable alcohol is not existing, so nobody mentioned it as a sin. :scootangel: Already see her as alcoholic.
Keep writting.:twilightsmile:

I love that Fanfic by a long mile! Keep it up Final! Looking forward for more chapters.

8857253
8598965

Thanks for the comment and the encouragement! ;w; I'm working on the next chapter, I know it's been... well, a while, but I don't want to give up on this story. It's my baby. I just can't find time to write with school. 13 is on the way, and I promise things get really good, very soon! Thank you again for the continued support!

I've only read the first chapter so far, and I'm enjoying it. But I have one big question; what in the world was Stable Tech's intended experiment here?

I want get into it because I have a lot of baggage when it comes to FE side stories and how they treat Stable Tech, but I'd really like an explanation or that's gonna be a dark cloud over my enjoyment of this story...

That said I've been enjoying the characterizations of Silver, Harmonics, and Dawn so far. And I really love the sense of... Creepiness that pervades the writing. Not from the characters themselves, but from the outside prespective looking in. Golden Belle's response was super creepy, but a happy moment for the characters. Very good writing.

7045649
A carp is a type of fish, since you asked. ;3

8857276
Hey there, Final. Left a comment back when I read chapter one and now here I am, caught up.

Don't think I mentioned this the first time, but I found your story because it's /r/falloutequestria's book club story this month. Sadly it hasn't stirred up much conversation, but I did post something there. Rather then retyping it all up here's a link; https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/8c8gr7/foe_bookclub_darkness_falls/dxv9xpf/

The short version is, I love this story but I keep waiting for it to fall apart, because... well that'd turn this into the long version.

Since this post is directly to you I did want to add a few more personal notes. Literally day before finding your story I finally started to write one I've been thinking about for years, which also happens to be based around my character from a PnP game I was in. Even more interesting, had you combined Silver and Ghost, you'd have wound up with something pretty close to my Longshot. Point is, I really do want to see this story succeed. It's not just really enjoyable, I also feel a kind of personal connection to it thanks to similarities. (Don't worry though, they're quite different in the end.)

Good luck! I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this one.

8885676
Thank you so much! That really means a lot to me. :twilightsmile: The next chapter is in the works, and now I'm gonna work that much harder to make time to update! :pinkiesmile: It's because life is kicking me in the butt right now, with school and such, but as I've said before, this project is my baby. I want to finish it.

And please, I'd love a link to your story, so I can give it some deserved attention! I'm curious about the similarities and would like to read it. :twilightsmile:

8886003
Yeah, real life sucks doesn't it? Heh.

I'm still in the very early stages of writing it, I've got the Prologue done (well, it still needs some editing but mostly done) and am still working on the first chapter. So unfortunately, nothing's posted just yet. The similarities are just in both stories origins in pen and paper games, and how my main character seems to combine traits of your main character and her only companion (so far).

EDIT: Er, forgot to say but kind of important; I'll drop you a link as soon as I've actually posted something.

Whoop! Time for more Silver! :pinkiehappy:

I'm sorry, I have to stop everything and read now.

Every time discussion of the Stable comes up, Silver's home stable that is, I get nervous that its gonna be the thing that ruins the set up for me. :twilightsheepish: Thankfully, that wasn't this time at least.

On the flip side, Silver dealing with the trauma is so well written! :raritydespair: Writing it so well is what I'm here for, and what I'm concerned with on my own story. :trixieshiftright:

I wonder what happened here though. My money is on the former residents having escaped and set the turrets inward to prevent whatever had gotten in from getting out.

Damn great chapter! Oh all that culture crisis she have is nice to read.:twilightsmile:
Also. Have respect to a fucken logic at least a little. Any vertical entrance should have anfuckin staircase for fucks sake. Not only elevator. You are not that Bethesda fuckers you should do better.
Keep writting I love this story so far.:pinkiehappy:

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

9001578
Hmmm. That's a good question. Silver comes from somewhat of a proper place, her voice is effeminate and lady like, so she would sound, IMO, similar to how Rarity sounds, though perhaps a tad lighter in tone. The kind of tine that would be sweet and enticing to another pony, but also says that she's not a "dumb blonde" so to speak. Her tone changes when she's angry or sufficiently perturbed, rising in volume a little bit and gaining a sharpness. I would say primarily she'd sound like Rarity, with bits of Cheerilee mixed in (when not angry/perturbed).

Ghost is near a decade younger than Silver, as he is in late teens/early twenties. He is at least in part emotionally detached in how he speaks. He is gruff and to the point and has no compunction about stating whether an idea (or somepony) is stupid or not, as he has done with Silver multiple times. He's passed the point of being "squeaky" but doesn't have deep smoker voice (even though he does smoke). If I were to put a pony from the show to him, I'd say a slightly deeper Shining Armor.

The two most important days of your life are the day you were born

and the day you find out why.”

Easy enough, when a mom pony and a daddy pony like each other very very much, or in the more common case, get very very drunk... or the more rarer case escape a raider attack... In other words, yes it is fantasy, yes it is cliche, ehh not the biggest fan of "Big epic quests awaiting"

Cloned ponies and a church with total power of your life... Yes that is a cult. Woe is that stallion that dare thinking about opening the door and step into this stable. Hell has no fury as a cult of women feeling scorn!

7045649
The Holy Carp is a godly fish and very good friend of the princesses, although it likes to tease just like Discord and is why we yell its name when things goes bad. Sigh everyone knows that! :trollestia:

The story so far is pretty intriguing, pretty original with a church Stable, although I can't really see Stable-tec throw the recurses to make an underground cathedral when they need to house three fiddy ponies and their cloning tech. Beside does each Stable only get one experiment, running two could cross contaminate each other after all. I get the logic behind an all female Stable in a would based on Matriarchy, its the vile boys after all that ruins everything with their testosterone and violence after all, but I do not get the logic behind doing the cloning when it would be so much easier to "just" fertilize an egg with the XX chromosome from another egg and bingo bango you have a female offspring with new DNA since it is a mix from the two mothers instead of self fertilization which is else the norm.
One thing thou, while I haven't commented that much on it do I feel as if the story jumps a lot between present and past tense, and having a pre-reader look over the story would properly not do it any harm.

Nitpicks:
"There weren’t very many" They weren't that, although weren't sounds a bit clunky in my ears
"Never before has an emergency like this come up." had
"trembling where she lay and was trying to get to her hooves. " laid
"Blood. Slowly expanding around her was a pool of crimson red" I would say that you would get a bigger impact if you turned the two sentences around.
"terrifyingly numb sensations as two simple words passed through my mind. [i]She’s dead[/i]" she is dead is technically 3 words.

Damn I just love some underground places filled with bloodthirsty monsters! :pinkiehappy:
Its best thing that FoE story can provide (except explicit sex of course).
Keep writing.:twilightsmile:

Meh. I've read better. >w>

Kidding. In all seriousness, this was a very well thought out chapter. I liked the creepiness of the basement setting, the banter between Silver and Dust (as always), it's very well done~ ^u^

9002330
Lol, that's one way to put it :twilightblush: From the ooutside in, yeah, definitely a cult, but ever tried telling a cultist that they are a cultist? :trollestia: Not so easy, as others will find out as they deal with Silver. Plus, I love the prospect of taking things that people think they "know" only to find out they aren't what they think they are.

9009102
Thanks! And I totally agree! :twilightsmile: Some of my favorite games are jump scare games, many of my favorite areas in exploration games are underground (caves, bases, excavation sites, etc). And when I started thinking up stuff for this story, I HAD to have it!

Login or register to comment