The frozen wastes of Stalliongrad teem with conflict and strife as pony, machine, and the wild battle ferociously for control. One unicorn, on a mission she did not ask for, makes her way into Tartarus itself.
7589870 Thanks. I'm trying not to forget it, but, you know, life... Updates will be slow, but I'm gonna try my hardest to get 'em out. Thanks for taking interest in my horse words
7404720 You're right, and that's because, in her logical mind, she figures that if she can find him quickly then she can get home sooner. Though, she will find that to be harder than she initially thought.
The first room we entered was some kind of basement and decorated with the desecrated corpses of their victims.
Are we just to assume that Silver doesn't have the courage to describe what she saw? She was not as tame in her descriptions of death and mutilation in previous chapters.
The former won that debate as I remembered why I longed for one so badly.
It seems strange for her to finally bring up the elephant in the room this far into the chapter. The easy-going narration and actions of the protagonist do not seem to indicate really any sort of stress beyond fatigue and confusion. But it is hard to imagine that this kind of pony would be reacting so nonchalant for half the chapter to the ashes she was wearing.
I could understand one that fought for materialistic possessions. The demons of tartarus would fight endlessly for scraps and for the souls of the damned.
That bit of interweaved religious context makes the reaction all the richer.
That seemed to give him a moment’s pause, but before I could cement the victory, “Not my problem.”
Even though the character of Ghost is still dreadfully dull, I did like this particular conversation on the traps. It gives hope that the character will eventually develop and become less boring.
Only now, instead of its colors holding any kind of beauty they signified the promise of death. As if the reaper’s scythe were at my throat.
So the reaper represents death in Silver's religion? Considering the origins of the Grim Reaper and its symbolism, I wonder why there was not something else that represented death in her Stable. Kind of hard to draw the connections with the Grim Reaper and death in this setting, when you consider the integral role stuff like decay, harvests, mourning, and darkness have in that symbolism.
The scene at the end had some really great pacing and an organic kind of tension thanks to the way you worked in E.F.S. The reveal of those yellow ticks and that red one worked well toward creating the cliffhanger and the high stakes involved.
Character interactions are improving; pacing is getting better; the narration is staying strong. It's a solid chapter with great conversations between the two leads and a strong sense of pacing. The only problems are those that already existed and remained unchanged. Ghost is just killing the story with a personality that has all the cynical narcissism of a ragged wasteland veteran without the intriguing emotional and psychological baggage that comes with that experience. Speaking of baggage, that emotional breakdown in the bathroom was pretty lacking too. It came too late and affected little of the remaining chapter, seeming more like an obligatory follow-up scene rather than anything story-changing.
7593969 Wow, thank you for the amazing feedback! It's always great to get such detail.
Silver's reactions to the Raider's "den" in the elementary school does seem a little jaded, far too soon since she only just recently dealt with raiders and their depravity. I suppose the feel that I was going for was that she's trying to block it out, trying to not let it affect her and it takes a more long-term toll on her. The same for the ashes of Deathrain; she was trying to ignore it, but her conscience wouldn't leave her alone about it.
I'm so glad you liked the end scene. I was sweating bullets over it and must have rewritten it like three or four times. Plus, I felt like it's way too long between uploads, and I needed to get something out. In a way I wish I had waited, given what you pointed out. So in that endeavor, I'll make sure to question what I write more often, and with a logical approach to who my characters are.
Now that it's been brought up, I'm re-thinking the bit about the Grim Reaper's scythe as an analogy. It truly doesn't make as much sense as I hoped it would. That, and it's giving me a few ideas for those of Stable 46's design. Thanks for that! I have some time coming up and, if possible, I'll edit that chapter and those specific parts.
Thank you for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated and I'm beyond glad that you like the story. It's a ride that I've been dreaming of for quite some time.
I do not know why it is first now that I realise it, but you are doing a really amazing "fish out of water" story. Normally do stable dwellers change to the outside world so quickly, but I feel like Silver will have a few quirks that follow her trough the end of this story. So points for amazing little touches like that!
Nitpicks: "Again it angered me to know how early she had been removed from her vat tank so prematurely." You explain the same thing twice here " Upon entering" Your sentence seems to be lacking some words. " impossibly silent even on the soft gravel that. " delete "Am I just supposed to stay here and wait?" Past tense
Good chapter, nice to see this fanfic updated again.
7589870 Thanks. I'm trying not to forget it, but, you know, life... Updates will be slow, but I'm gonna try my hardest to get 'em out. Thanks for taking interest in my horse words
7404720 You're right, and that's because, in her logical mind, she figures that if she can find him quickly then she can get home sooner. Though, she will find that to be harder than she initially thought.
7590079 I know the feeling, but still its a good fanfic, I hope to see more in the future.
Are we just to assume that Silver doesn't have the courage to describe what she saw? She was not as tame in her descriptions of death and mutilation in previous chapters.
It seems strange for her to finally bring up the elephant in the room this far into the chapter. The easy-going narration and actions of the protagonist do not seem to indicate really any sort of stress beyond fatigue and confusion. But it is hard to imagine that this kind of pony would be reacting so nonchalant for half the chapter to the ashes she was wearing.
That bit of interweaved religious context makes the reaction all the richer.
Even though the character of Ghost is still dreadfully dull, I did like this particular conversation on the traps. It gives hope that the character will eventually develop and become less boring.
So the reaper represents death in Silver's religion? Considering the origins of the Grim Reaper and its symbolism, I wonder why there was not something else that represented death in her Stable. Kind of hard to draw the connections with the Grim Reaper and death in this setting, when you consider the integral role stuff like decay, harvests, mourning, and darkness have in that symbolism.
The scene at the end had some really great pacing and an organic kind of tension thanks to the way you worked in E.F.S. The reveal of those yellow ticks and that red one worked well toward creating the cliffhanger and the high stakes involved.
Character interactions are improving; pacing is getting better; the narration is staying strong. It's a solid chapter with great conversations between the two leads and a strong sense of pacing. The only problems are those that already existed and remained unchanged. Ghost is just killing the story with a personality that has all the cynical narcissism of a ragged wasteland veteran without the intriguing emotional and psychological baggage that comes with that experience. Speaking of baggage, that emotional breakdown in the bathroom was pretty lacking too. It came too late and affected little of the remaining chapter, seeming more like an obligatory follow-up scene rather than anything story-changing.
Looking forward to the next installment!
7593969 Wow, thank you for the amazing feedback! It's always great to get such detail.
Silver's reactions to the Raider's "den" in the elementary school does seem a little jaded, far too soon since she only just recently dealt with raiders and their depravity. I suppose the feel that I was going for was that she's trying to block it out, trying to not let it affect her and it takes a more long-term toll on her. The same for the ashes of Deathrain; she was trying to ignore it, but her conscience wouldn't leave her alone about it.
I'm so glad you liked the end scene. I was sweating bullets over it and must have rewritten it like three or four times. Plus, I felt like it's way too long between uploads, and I needed to get something out. In a way I wish I had waited, given what you pointed out. So in that endeavor, I'll make sure to question what I write more often, and with a logical approach to who my characters are.
Now that it's been brought up, I'm re-thinking the bit about the Grim Reaper's scythe as an analogy. It truly doesn't make as much sense as I hoped it would. That, and it's giving me a few ideas for those of Stable 46's design. Thanks for that! I have some time coming up and, if possible, I'll edit that chapter and those specific parts.
Thank you for the feedback, it's greatly appreciated and I'm beyond glad that you like the story. It's a ride that I've been dreaming of for quite some time.
7599549 Will do, thank you for the compliment. Working on 10
I do not know why it is first now that I realise it, but you are doing a really amazing "fish out of water" story. Normally do stable dwellers change to the outside world so quickly, but I feel like Silver will have a few quirks that follow her trough the end of this story. So points for amazing little touches like that!
Nitpicks:
"Again it angered me to know how early she had been removed from her vat tank so prematurely." You explain the same thing twice here
" Upon entering" Your sentence seems to be lacking some words.
" impossibly silent even on the soft gravel that. " delete
"Am I just supposed to stay here and wait?" Past tense