• Member Since 21st Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 25th, 2015

sslacyhadals


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This is the story of Chaser, a pony from the distant, wintry village of Snowfall. Growing up as the only pony without a cutie mark is more than embarrassing; as a full grown stallion with a bare flank, he feels ostracized and alone. He decides to leave his home and finally find his destiny in the world. Ending up in Ponyville, he discovers for himself an age old truth—it isn't what people can see on the outside that matters most...

Cover image captured from art by Celebi-Yoshi

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 113 )

Totally awesome start. I'm looking forward to more. :pinkiehappy:

Hmm you have my attention sir! here is a moustache :moustache: and the CMC for moral support :unsuresweetie::applecry::scootangel: (we need more happy icons ¬¬)

Great so far! I wish I could give you a moustache or something, but, alas, the new fimfiction setup for the andriod won't let me :-( So instead, I'm going to give you a like and a fav!

Wondering why?(probably not :-\) I just love stories like these! Seeing them get popular and stuff really gets those fuzzy nerves up and running, you know? The fact that so many people care... total strangers! Gives meh butterflies :-)

Well, I wouldn't say you're off to a strong start, but you're certainly not off to a bad one. I could nit-pick the real minor issues, but doing that would serve as much purpose as making sure your dog's nostrils are the same size before the dog show.

Your prevalent problem is sort of a "first chapter" sort of issue: this chapter sets up a story more than it begins one. It's not a poor choice, but there are better ways to start your story. I assume this won't be the case in proceeding chapters unless you've still got a lot of exposition to hash out which I rather hope you don't seeing as you just committed to a pretty dramatic setting change. Anyway, all I'm trying to say is that if this were a movie a lot of the events in this chapter by roll by in the opening credits with some somber indie music in the background... maybe Bright Eyes. It's not bad and won't hurt you as long as what you've set up here stays relevant.

Anyway, you appropriately end the chapter by having Chaser state that "This is my story", and seeing as this is told in past tense he is correct, that was his story. Granted, I'm interested in what his story will be, so go ahead and hate me for chuckling a bit at your expense on that last line. I said I was interested, though, didn't I? I'd hit up your second chapter after this first one.

To be perfectly honest, I'm a bit nervous. I trust your competence and I assume you know where you're going, but forgive me if the story you've set me up for doesn't look a little... well, generic. Everybody's first go at this seems to be "X goes to Ponyville for Y" because it's a formula that works well at least half the time and is easy for readers to digest. The problem is you can pretty much guess where each of these stories are going to go and which cliches they're going to hit. I won't do that right now at the risk of coming off as (more of an) uppity brat.

Where you're excelling gives me hope for the future. Your character has signs of personality and his backstory, while tragic, isn't attempting to mug me for my sympathy. It's nice to have "tormentors" who aren't written as complete demons. You've made the conflict apparent, you've answered "why tell the story now", and even if we don't really get to touch it yet we can see the plot. It's also well written which just adds to the "this probably won't suck" aura you have going.

If I had any advice to make this better (which I do, I wouldn't say so otherwise), it would be to show the audience what is going on rather than just tell us. It's a pitfall for many first-person stories, but one that can be avoided. When you've written something, read it aloud to yourself or someone else (that clever wife of yours for example) and think about it all. Does it feel like you are narrating a story in a way that is interesting, flowing, and engaging the audience or are you rattling off a list of things that happened or the character saw?

If the loquacious pseudo-review scared you and you're looking just for the closing thoughts, here they are: this isn't bad and I really believe you can keep it that way. I'm sure you don't need me to tell you "keep it up", so I'll go ahead and sign off with "I'll see you next time. I have a class on brevity to attend."

You have my interest....you may continue. (also, listen to what Herculean said.
Good, honest, and generally nice reviews are few and far between!)

I hope this updates regularly. That's all I really have to say.

Is so good.
I need...
Ineedmoreathis.
Yeh.
*cough*
Sorry, I fell into a bit of jibberish there. Excellent story so far, and I cannot WAIT to see how you continue it.
:eeyup:

2286274 just type moustache in between 2 : and it will show up as :moustache:

Looking forward to updates. looks like you have a few of us hooked already.
Chaser: "This is my story."
and I'm gonna read it! :twilightsheepish:

I MUST READ.

(faved to bookmark as a read later):pinkiecrazy:

COMENCE THE STALKING!!*

heh it going to get a lot more stranger than that i bet

Previously I said these kind of stories hit several cliche's, and meeting Pinkie Pie in order to be suddenly invited to a welcome party is one of them. Quite frankly, I never get tired of this cliche.

Well done, sir. At this point I'm perfectly content to send you on your merry writing way with no more than an encouraging smack on the hindquarters.

2296077 Meeting Pinkie Pie in Ponyville isn't so much a cliche as it is a law of Equestrian physics. :moustache:

That said, this has to be one of the best "meet Pinkie Pie" moments I've seen in a while. You get her character down perfectly. :pinkiehappy:

Also, things getting stranger is also probably a law of Equestrian physics. You're in Ponyville now Chaser. Places don't get much stranger. :eeyup:

I had to move a table so I could roll on the floor in laughter. :pinkiehappy: I love Pinkie Pie. She is my favorite and this is probably the best introduction of her I've seen in a while. I hope you continue this regularly. I can only see it getting better.:twilightsmile:

The next chapter came out and I'm happy to say it didn't disappoint.

I very much did enjoy reading and I'm still wondering about that mare who was sweet on him back in Snowfall (probably bashing her head in frustration as it is). I wouldn't mind seeing a small excerpt on her point of view some time.

I hope this will be the regular schedule for you (though I wouldn't be adverse to a more frequent update :pinkiesmile:).

Ugh!!! *hunched over* r-right in the fourth-wall...

Hmm and a rarity interest, *favorite start to a couple* (Mane medic approves ) I'm looking forward to seeing how all this comes togather .

Mane Medic

Wow, you have one good updating ratio.:twilightsmile:Though, I wish the chapters would be a bit longer. Each chapter is missing a bit of a... climax. So far, we're still at the "climbing towards the climax" part, in my book. I'm not exactly sure though, this just might just be reader's instinct. So try not to take this to heart or anything, I may just be wrong...

Rarity and Chaser sitting in a tree...
Lol, I'm loving the character interaction. Rarity is not subtle in the least and Chaser is being dense. It's a great start to hilarious times. :pinkiehappy: I'm looking forward to more Pinkie, too. Good job and I hope to see more. :twilightsmile:

2305307 In Chaser's defense...it's a male lead's prerogative to be completely oblivious to the romantic interests of females. Also in Chaser's defense is the lifetime he's spent as something of a social outcast. It's pretty hard to comprehend someone having an interest in you for any positive reason when you've been derided and looked down on for most of your life.
...
Or we could all be jumping the gun on the Rarity ship since "flirty" is considered one of her default settings. She looks good and she knows it and she isn't afraid to use it.

2305886
Lol, too true on all accounts. :eeyup: Though in the first chapter, Chaser was again oblivious to a female's blushing attention. I think there is a trend here. :duck: I want to see how he reacts when he finally realizes ponies are flirting with him. It should be hilarious however it happens. :pinkiehappy:

Another enjoyable update. Something of note I have to point out though:

"Mind you, I had absolutely no idea how to go about doing so. I didn’t know anything about this town, or anyone in it (except a certain crazy earth pony, and I still wasn’t sure how to feel about that). I also didn’t know where I was supposed to start finding my cutie mark. If I knew that, I would probably have gotten it a long time ago."

In the line where you're describing your initial meeting with Pinkie, it's already implied to the readers who you're talking about. So adding in words like "certain" doesn't really do much to add to the aside that's developed in your description and can actually detract from the reader's experience of Chaser's perspective of her character. Taking it out of context we can read this phrase as:

Except a certain crazy earth pony, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

-or-

Except a crazy earth pony, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that.

You might feel that first word create something of a stumbling block when you read it enough times. Since Chaser has formally (informally?) only met one earth pony since he arrived, he's at liberty to list them as a singular entity and has no real need to separate who he's talking about from other potential candidates.

Then there was another that I was glued to for a bit:

"I was immediately regretful. I should have known the fate that would await me inside, but I was too hungry to think about what a structure like this might contain. Or, more accurately, who."

Reading it left me feeling a bit... off, like it was forced to come out. I can understand that from the point of view of the narrator it was a necessary transition from the outside of Sugarcube Corner to its interior, but can't help but feel like his dialogue here isn't something he'd comfortably be able to say out loud, let alone in the reflective wake of his mind. For all intents and purpose, this could have been intentional and I simply don't know what I'm talking about. There are a few ways I would have structured this paragraph differently, but that's effectively my opinion of the character's thought process at this point.

Just one more thing, I promise.

I truly love the feel of this work and I wouldn't invest my time into criticizing it if I didn't want to see it continue to shine. It's not really a big deal in the grand scheme of the story, but the minor details often determine whether our journey will have its bumps or be a smooth one with the occasional eye-opener. That's doesn't necessarily mean it couldn't be without both either.

CLIFFHANGER!!!!! Why must you be so mean cliffhanger? :fluttercry:

!!!! *rage moment* FIX THIS!! nopony hurts fluttershy!!! NOPONY!!! *rage end* nice read :) hope the next installment comes soon :p

Mane Medic

Fluttershy down. Interest is high. Guess we'll have to wait and see what happens next.

Characterization's well-played as usual, but some of the language still sticks out for me.

"My breath heaved out of me in ragged sobs-"

Was he crying? Or was the adrenaline and sheer exhaustion taking its toll on him, forcing his body to cope by tearing up? I don't have enough information from the text alone to make that judgement, and while it's good to leave a degree of interpretation up to the reader, it often helps to at least supply a possible reason for certain actions. As literally interpreted, "sob" is an alternate verb meaning "to cry", and I'm not entirely sure it was appropriate at the time of description unless Chaser was facing some particular emotional distress (not that he already wasn't, mind you).

That said, I am being rather picky about the written word, so to speak. It's certainly not going to deter me from appreciating this story for what it is and I'll probably have many more gripes in the future. If you'd care to have a second opinion during the writing process (apart from your lovely assistant :twilightsmile:), feel free to let me know.

I literally yelled at the screen at the cliffhanger. :flutterrage: Lol, Chaser's super brave and Fluttershy needs to be okay, or I'll cry. :raritydespair: This is totally an awesome story. :pinkiehappy:

Don't know why you were nervous! I see nothing out of character, and though it 'twas quite a good chapter!

Yay!! You are forgiven for harming fluttershy * smirks*

I didn't notice too many errors honestly, so I've nothing to add that I'm sure you've already taken note of; good chapter, I wait patiently for the next ^_^

Mane Medic

Lol, with that good of a song, you could be a song writer:twilightsmile: Sounded like one a loving mother would sing to her child every night...

I wish I could thumb this up again. And again. I must have moar, good sir.

Very good. He's quite resourceful, isn't he? I'm now shipping Chaser and Fluttershy. :heart: Because I can. I can't wait for more.

Good... good...

Between your quality and regular updates, I can't say it'll be long before it hits the feature board. Keeping my hopes up.

Yep, no serious errors that i can see. Waiting for the next chapter.

well done! another great chapter.

i take it rarity is gonna find out next that he is a blank flank

That's good. An ideal persona isn't one we can really relate to; our flaws and compared strengths allow us to reflect on what makes us who we are.

I like Chaser because I feel his actions are a result of his limited experience and insecurities around others. He blames himself for what happened to Fluttershy. That's only natural because he's been taught his whole life by mostly everyone outside his family that he was a problem. It affects him to a degree of not being able to sometimes recognize that he's capable of a lot more than he gives himself credit for.

Could this cycle of self-depreciation be the result of never realizing realizing his talent? Or vise-versa? Maybe his talent was never realized because he's so unwilling to truly believe he's able to do something no one else can, even though he wants to find out what it is. You can't see the light if you're blinded by your own hand... err, hoof.

But as much as I could speculate on a character with seemingly enormous depth, I suppose we can only wait and find out.

This is so awesome. :rainbowkiss: I'm loving Chaser's characterization. You're doing a great job here. I can't wait for the next chapter. :pinkiehappy:

2388263
I totally agree with everything you just said.

Moar! Because Moar!

Oh this story is so cute :rainbowkiss:
Just want to read more about Caser :twilightsmile:

Just one thing...

I’m simply dying to try my hand at something other than a dress for a change.

Well well. :unsuresweetie: It looks like Chaser isn't the only pony who has something to hide.

2392176 Omigoodness! :twilightoops: How could I let that get past me!

Thanks, Moguera. I'll get that fixed right away.

Pinkie- care to explain how we feel about this chapter?
:pinkiehappy:
Thanks Pinkie ^_^

2434192 You, sir, win a gold star! And a Mustache:moustache:

2434209

A moustache?
SMASHING! :moustache:
XD Great chapter. ^_^

Trust me about a week to get through a day isn't bad. I've left characters hanging for like a year before a week is nothing. Im just glad to get a new chapter. Can't wait for the next chapter!

You sir are a gentalman and a schallor, but if possible...pleeaasseee for the love of god! MOOAAR!

Excellent chapter. :raritywink: can't wait for the next one. (btw I think your editor is a genius, it did come out better as two chapters)

2437443 At first, I was like :applejackconfused: how would he know that, if I haven't posted the second half yet? Bu then, I realized you're a time lord, and I was like :ajsmug: I see what you did there.

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