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She was lost in the ever-present blizzard of the Frozen North, cold and alone, for as long as she could remember...until he found her. A griffon, traveling from place to place on a spiritual journey. With help from this nomad, Snow Squall will try find the magic that lies within her and learn what brought her into an unwelcoming atmosphere. Will he be able to help the lonely filly find her home? Only time will tell.
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Just finished Chapter One... I'm liking it! A lot! ^^
There were a few issues with grammar and syntax, but I only found two in the entire chapter, which is rare and refreshing.
Your OC pony is original, and I'm really liking how her story is starting. It's different from the norm, and the fact that she's alone without Kalki helped instill feelings of sympathy for her in me.
All in all, this is pretty awesome. I'll be sure to read Chapter Two tomorrow. :D
Keep up the good work!
Scratch that "read tomorrow" part of my last comment- I couldn't help myself.
Just as great as the last chapter, albeit shorter. However, no issues with syntax or grammar! So that's good.
To summarize, you've gained yourself a follower. Hope to see you update more soon.
Thanks a million! I'll do my best to keep everything going, and frankly, I was a little bit afraid that people wouldn't like it. I guess now I have someone to try to please!
Hmmm. Your story seems to be progressing well so far.
I don't see anything that is in need of fixing just yet, but it might need some help down the line.
2229244 Well thanks, I'll do my best to keep this nice and original!
Hmm, I'm not sure what to say about this story so far. It's a bit of an odd one... not in a bad way, just different.
Really not sure where this story is going. I actually semi-expected Kalki to die from that fight, then Snow Squall would decide it was time for her to try to find somewhere else to go.
I wonder how long a pony could survive eating just fish. Presumably they're capable of digesting meat, even if they never do ordinarily, since they do eat eggs. Still doesn't seem like the healthiest diet a pony could have, though.
Maybe Snow Squall is part Windigo or something. Probably not, though.
And as an interesting coincidence, the griffon's name is just one letter different from the screen-name I used to use everywhere.
2251886 I like to think that she does what she has to in order to survive. Fish are what she mainly eats, but I should really edit that line in the opening to clarify that she does eat other things. Mortality is going to play a role, I assure you!
And Kalki's name is both a misnomer and somewhat fitting. His name is an Indian word meaning "white horse", which is more suitable for Snow. But it also means "Destroyer of Filth" (Kalki is the final incarnation of the Hindu god Vishnu, who rids the world of impurity by destroying it), I use his name to refer to his purity.
I'm from Authors Helping Authors. I'm about to get started on your review. Expect to wait at least an hour.
2258500 An hour? I'm kind of scared now xD But alright, thank you for taking that kind of time...
Story: Frozen Over
This took far less time than I anticipated. Thanks, AHA, for the form.
Grammatik: 6. It's mostly good, but you occasionally have strange formatting and diction, and you make errors with both spelling and punctuation. I advise finding a prereader to check chapters before you upload them. Those are easy to get if you go around reviewing for different authors. You can normally talk at least one person into prereading for you. I have four.
Pros
1: The premise was new. I don't think I've seen anything take place in the Equestrian arctic.
2, You made efforts at both world building and character development. This is often overlooked by younger and newer authors. These things make longevity.
3. Dialogue was a key feature of the storytelling. This both takes more effort and skill than summarization. It allows the reader to learn your characters.
Cons
1,You have some issues with more advanced mechanics and syntax. Some sentences are just awkward.
2, The interlude chapters, especially the first one, broke the story flow and were mostly unneccessary.
3. Everything felt rushed, as you seem to be missing the buildup and development phases of writing and skipping ahead to payoff; it feels hollow and confusing.
Notes This is the part where I really let you have it. Don't take it personally, as this is what happens when mercenaries review pony fic.
I think that you need to go back over your mechanics again. The issues are relatively few, but they are noticeable. You seem to ask for a lot of suspension of disbelief, as if you're hoping that we won't bother to ask questions about how or why. Why is Snow Squall there? How does she live on fish? Why has she never tried to leave for kinder climes? That reminds me, what kind of name is Snow Squall? It seems like you took two Final Fantasy protagonist names and spliced them together. I very much like how you did character development and attempted to do world building. Those two things will mature into grand tales with time. I do have to tell you that the long and frequent time skips really upset the kilter of the story as well as meant that we missed a lot of interaction and development. Since you do not even summarize what happens during these skips, we might as well have entirely new characters when we return. It also makes it quite difficult to care about the characters. We just see them for brief snapshots, so we don't know how they grow or change too well. I do like Kalki. The idea behind the character is seldom seen in the fandom, especially given how Kalki is also like Snow's stepfather. Pacing was good when you bothered to stick with a period of time, and everything did improve the further on you went. However, I never lost the feeling of things being rushed. This is better than what most people do when they're sixteen and just getting started on writing through fanfiction.
Your fic is merely okay, all things consider. I award you 3/5 flutteryays. I have faith that you can become much better so long as you practice.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Racer And The Geek: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81159/racer-and-the-geek
2258778 I'll answer your questions first.
Q: Why is Snow Squall there? A: This will be explored.
Q: How does she live on fish? A: I really should have elaborated on her diet a bit more, that she does in fact eat things other than fish from time to time. Someone actually wondered if horses can digest fish. They can, but that's a side note.
Q: Why has she never tried to leave for kinder climes? A: She has no real idea of where she is, and has no memory of other environments. This will also be explored, I expect in the same chapter.
Q: That reminds me, what kind of name is Snow Squall? It seems like you took two Final Fantasy protagonist names and spliced them together. A: First off, nice Final Fantasy reference, huge fan. Secondly, a snow squall is a harsh snowfall accompanied by winds. And thirdly, it's not her actual name, just a name Kalki gave her. Her name, like other things you've taken note of, will be revealed.
As for the time skips, I've heard that comment before, and I will try to make the skips shorter and less frequent. I know it's bad to say this, but I dismiss the events that happen between skips as being ordinary, non-important days. I also felt that documenting her learning how to speak would be a bit of a boring story.
I'll go back over the story, check for these unnecessary sentences, and remove as needed. Interludes will stop soon, as well. To be honest, I myself feel it can be a bit rushed at times.
As for your compliments, thank you.
I honestly felt that your review was going to be a lot harsher. Thanks for letting me know that there is work to be done on this, it makes me want to try harder.
Again, thank you!
I really like how this is developing!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Frozen Over
Grammar: 9/10
Pros: Great Original OC story!
The writing and grammar is great!
Characters are extremely believable!
Cons:I really can't think of any other than pacing (WHY DOES THIS NOT HAVE MORE VIEWS?)
Notes: I don't know why you don't have more views and likes, compared to me, you are really good. I really can't say anything helpful, you really got it down pat.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: An Angel and her Soldier
2258849
You're very welcome. Of course, it's much better to cover something in your story rather than give it in a comment reply. This is especially true for things which have yet to occur.
BTW, don't forget that you owe me one.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/81159/racer-and-the-geek
2294899 I spend a lot of my time on other websites. You actually wrote that comment on the first night that I've been back here in about a week xD But I'll make sure to check yours out soon. I'm currently working on Chapter 3.
I'm going to sound a little lame, because I'm going to echo Audiophillie.
I really, REALLY like this chapter. This is such an unusual premise, and you've done a nice job of working with the first-person narrative voice- it can be challenging. The idea of a Pony having to learn about her culture from the outside... I'm looking forward to reading through this.
The relationship that's developing here made me smile, and there was a real sense of relief when Kalki came in the picture- you've done an excellent job of developing empathy for your characters. One thing to watch out for: So far, in the FiM world, only one Unicorn seems to have been able to learn magic just by watching (Twilight), so there's a potential for some overpowering of your character. On the other hand, she's got the deck so stacked against her as an outsider, I think it might balance out.
Some of Kalki's dialogue is a little stilted, but then again he's a griffon, so I don't know if that's an intentional speech pattern on your part.
I liked the tie-in with events from the show, that was a nice touch.
I see a few sentences where there are a few too many commas, and a place where a colon is used where a comma would be appropriate, '...and asked him: "Morning?" ' Other than that, I don't see any glaring grammar, punctuation, or word usage problems. Some of your centered text is unusual, but that's not the same as wrong- I can see the effect you were looking for.
I'm going to keep reading this as I can, and look forward to where the story goes.
2300685 Well thank you c: I really can't do third-person. It might be my autistic tendencies, but I have to write as if I'm the main character. As for the comparison with Twilight, I was thinking of that as I came up with her magic. I intend for her magic to be limited to one kind that she's just really good at, to keep her from being overpowered.
Kalki, in my opinion, is supposed to be a bit of a stoic, wise character. His emotions shouldn't be completely evident, but I'm probably missing your point xD I suppose I can look back at his lines and see if they need work. I use the in-show events to provide a sense of when everything is taking place, obviously.
Oh, the "Morning" line is something that could be misinterpreted. I was actually just thinking about revising that part. When she said "morning", she was asking what morning meant, not really knowing how to speak and all.
Thanks for the comment, I'll take your words into consideration.
2300763
Good to see you've already considered some of the points I brought up. From what I have read, I really didn't think you were going to go Mary Sue with Twilight, but just wanted to point that detail out since there might be some who would jump on it and complain. I don't see any problem with it- there's nothing saying she CAN'T have that ability, and I'm sure you'll find other ways to offset that advantage.
As for my take on Kalki, let me clarify: I was saying that some of his spoken lines did not sound conversational, BUT since he's a griffon (and, as you point out, has a stoic nature), I thought it possible that you had intentionally written them that way-- and it looks like you did. If that's how you intended him to sound, then you got that part right. :)
With the 'Morning' line, what I was critiquing was the use of a colon before "Morning?" A comma would be more appropriate there. I picked up right away that she wasn't sure what morning was, so you conveyed the intended meaning very well.
I'm a little surprised writing in third person is harder for you. Is that common for people with autistic tendencies? Er, not to pry or anything.
Persnally, I feel restricted by the first-person voice, and like being able to describe things outside of the characters as well.
Anyway, like I said, the CONTENT is very interesting, and I really like how you've begun the story, and that's the most important part. Grammar and punctuation can be fixed, but a bad premise can't be saved. Yours is quite good!.
2300811 Oh, I see. You were talking about the grammar. I misinterpret a lot of things at 2 in the morning, sorry xD
Well, when you're autistic, you may have a hard time interpreting how others are feeling. To avoid the problem of not being able to sympathize with my own character, I decided to make her more like myself, and simply insert myself into the position. With me, first-person makes me feel like I'm telling the story from the point of view of someone watching events, but I prefer having my character more actively involved, so my POV is more suitable.
I like how this is going but what are the actual chances of finding her father's journal in the snow?
2362790 Not very high, I'd assume. Good thing Kalki's got the eyes of an eagle!
Aside from some very unsettling sentences I would say it is a fairly good start. I would have liked at least some hint of a backstory, as to why she is even out there to begin with.
2400491 Keep reading, you might find out
Ouch, that was a real gut-punch of a chapter... I love the story, but wish it didn't turn this way.
Not that I'm complaining or suggesting you change it! It's your story, it's just a sad turn.
2481316 I've had this entire story planned out from the start, that chapter included...but it was tough doing that. I almost didn't want to finish the chapter, so I started on my other story. It'll get better, though~
I dub thee, awesomeness.
2994771 Looking back, it was kind of a silly name xD A snow squall is a snowfall that comes with a gust of wind. Snow and Squall are also both Final Fantasy characters...kinda bad planning on my part xD I've been feeling a bit out of "story mode" for a while now, but I've been thinking about re-writing those first two or three chapters.
2994839
I was going to read this story this weekend (it was in my readlater for sometime already), but you mentioned that you are planning rewrite, so I think it'll have to wait.
When would you suggest me to return to check for rewrite/update?
2996138 Oh, I've got other things on my mind right now, the re-write is more of a thought. I'm actually working with the MLP Wiki a bit at the moment. This story was my first, and it kinda shows. I just want to get around to fixing it up at some point. Oh, and finishing it, that's kinda big too. I have another seven or so chapters in my mind at the moment.
2996310
Well, I'll be back in a few month than to check if anything changed.
Thanks :)
I hope you will get back to the story sooner or later.
As I read it this I had a sense of impending doom loom over me as if this was going to be there last happy moment together