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Violet Blossom is just your typical run-of-the mill filly. Nothing special, Violet is probably as average as an Earth pony can get. Some friends, some school problems, no big deal. But one day night, it all changed with a kidnapping by two mysterious mares. After awaking in a mysterious and solitary room, what starts out as one confusing day soon twists into an elaborate web of lies.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Interesting premise, you've got quite a few spelling and grammar errors scattered through your work. You really would benefit from getting an editor or proofreader to go over your things.
All in all, 3 out of 5 pinkies. Not bad, but could use some improvment.
2230341
Thanks for the info! I'm not a very experienced writer, so I'm glad to get anything. Thanks again!
2230526
No problem. Advice is free, what you do with it however is another story altogether.
Okay, not bad! I like the intro, with the dream- a nice bit of whimsy in there with the rock-bucking contest.
Overall you have a fairly clear writing voice, and I don't notice you putting in too many adverbs or using clunky comparisons to try and add to the story (adverbs plague me). Most of the writing is clean and concise. Clean writing is good writing, and is one thing that helps to draw the reader in!
The pace may be a little fast, with more description than demonstration, but you've chosen to use the first-person voice, and that can be challenging. For the way you're telling it, I think it's what has to be done. One thing I struggle with is keeping in mind that MORE is not BETTER- I am learning that sometimes you have to stop trying to add ALL the details and add the IMPORTANT ones.
The cutdown is where I struggle- what to keep, what to leave. I have reluctantly settled on "If I have to fight to keep a bit in, it's not worth keeping." If you find yourself fighting and making a lot of changes to keep a few sentences or a particular description, that might be a sign the story can live without it.
The character development is decent, I get no hint of Mary Sue-ishness. Violet Blossom seems normal, a little rambunctious, and likeable. I like the way you described Pumpkin Spice. I'm a little less keen on the out-and-out bullying, simply because I'm wary of the direct transposition of situations, personalities, and events from our own world, but that's a personal preference and this is your story, not mine.
The kidnapping scene was confusing- the transition from Cometstrike being a bully to Violet waking up was jarring, and there was no clear sense of what whas happening. That's not to say you should describe exactly what happened while she was out, but... the sensations she's describing left me going, "What?" On the other hand, everything after that break makes a bit more sense.
Some editing advice: For breaks, either use the 'horizontal rule' option on the Fimfic editor, or use a LOT fewer tildes- say half a dozen to a dozen, and center them, so that when folks increase or decrease the size of the text, it doesn't come out funky.
When publishing online, the norm is to put a blank line between paragraphs- since pagespace isn't an issue, it really helps with readability. If you do that, I would also reconsider the indent of the first paragraph, since it's no longer needed to mark off new paragraphs. That would give you a cleaner margin and for me, I find it's easier to read short paragraphs when they all start at the same point on the page.
For the most part, grammar and punctuation aren't bad- I see you use commas with 'said' and periods when appropriate. I do see a fair number of misspelled words and some extra punctuation marks, as previously noted.
Good luck as you keep going!
2300487
Thanks a lot! I'll keep these thoughts in mind as I work on Chapter 2, and into the future.
I'm really quite new to the whole "post-a-fanfic-on-the-internet" community, so any help I get is always appreciated! Thanks a bundle!
P.S. And as for the part where it transitions from Cometstrike to being kidnapped, well, that'll be explained later.
2301358
You're welcome! Overall it's a friendly community, and I've found the 'new author' groups are pretty good if you're willing to accept criticism- people who whine after asking to be evaluated tend to get an earful.
I think the things that will make the most difference are writing more and reading more. And not just fanfiction, but classics- anything where the writer has a clear style so you can see how the language can be manipulated.
I believe you meant to say 'wasn't' instead of 'was'?
2458448
Fixed it! Thanks!