Night Moonstone
Joined 7th Jan, 2013 ·
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There's not enough dark stories. Choosing to write in the Dark genre is rough because so few will actually read what you write. Many see the tag as a sign of explicit gore and rape. I think the intrapersonal horror to be a wonderful departure from the guts and gore. Losing those we love is something everybody will go through or has gone through and its relative to every being. I'm anxious to see where this story goes. So far, I think it is good. Grammatically it's all over the place and the format makes it difficult to distinguish between paragraphs. Make sure to indent new paragraphs and space them. Apart from that, good job.
2188099
My thoughts on darker stories/art exactly. Yet I hesitated posting this for a week over killing off a pony and with fear of being crucified on here over it.
Please forgive my indentations. Old habits.
If you give me an example of how my grammar is I'll edit it accordingly. I thought it was sound.
2188529
For the most part it's fine. But like here.
Applejack rounded the table and to the fridge, taking out a bottle of no doubt expired whiskey.
It's understandable but the word to is acting as a verb incorrectly. It should be "stepped to" or something similar as a verb participle. Also, does whiskey have an expiration date? I mean, I suppose it does, but how many dozens of years would that be?
"She closed the her ambry and locked it in case a " Still struggling with what the subject here is.
"It was only then did Rarity embrace her simple farm pony." I think the pronoun her makes no sense as it is. I understand what was meant but without the word "friend" at the end, it seems strange.
Keep in mind that. like the spoken langauge, the point is understandable without perfect grammar, but mistakes like that scare people away or have them leave negative comments or downvotes. Given that the subject is dark, you've got a black eye already from the majority of readers. Basically, you need to be able to control all the other factors you can to show your technical writing skill. It may overcome the subject for some readers.
I'm not trying to be harsh, I think the story is very promising. Don't be afraid to write what you want to write. I write exclusively dark stories whether people like them or not. And a lot of grammatical mistakes will correct themselves when you write more. The more you do of something, the better you get. Keep writing.
2188806
I know you're not trying to be harsh; you're merely helping.
I'll admit that this wasn't properly read through on it's final revision before submitting but all errors you pointed out are corrected. In my zealotry in trying to submit, I'll confess that I did skim through the text.
2188940 Lol. That's why I have an editor, sir/ma'am. We typically miss things we wrote because we know how it's supposed to be written and our brains fill in gaps where there are errors.
2189033
It's sir. c:
I typically try to edit my stories solo but yeah, I do need a second eye on my stories.
this story intrigued my interest i wonder about the gore tag and what will happen next.
So far, so good.
2190121
Well follow and find out.
Shit's starting to get real now.
This story has been reviewed by: The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: Rotting Apples
Author: Night Moonstone
Reviewed by: Shahrazad
Rotting Apples is a sad story but not a tragedy. There is a distinction here that many authors fail to grasp but this story treads the line nicely. It keeps the sad tone without being overwhelming. The story doesn’t throw any cheap punches, nor is the sadness there just to make readers sad. The emotive focus of the story gives it a cohesive feeling that should keep readers engaged without being depressed.
Full Review
Score: 7.0/10
2354224
As per your comments on why I chose anthropomorphic characters over human or straight up ponies is a simple one. I find them more relatable. Humans, on the one hand, are boring. We are human and we know almost every motion of a story such as mine. Ponies on the other hand are tailor made for a Utopian world and such a sad or horrifying tale would be out of place. I chose the middle ground for a more relatable yet not wholly familiar cast.
As for your second comment about how they're acting rather queer in regards to the death of Granny Smith comes down to both head cannon and observations in the show. I think of the Apple family as being very tight knit; simple and kind, they are intensely loyal to their own. Indeed, having a family reunion on such a large scale shows how deep they care for one another. I assumed that, if one of them happened to pass away (especially Granny Smith, who is a surrogate mother of sorts), they would treat the death rather harshly.
Other than these two points, I find that you're review is more than fair. I'm quite aware that my skills as a writer are developing but I hope by writing these fictions, I can and will improve.
Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! It means a lot to both my motivation and my ego.
Is there shipping this because i get a shipping vibe from how you have AJ keep mention Dash and remembering how they met and going to have lunch with her like its a date.
2466488
At first I did want some implied shipping but I'm more a supporter of RariJack than AppleDash. Dash is only a catalyst for the main plot and, if I can write it, a story of her own involving the same antagonist (who has already shown her influence but not her form. SPOILER! SPOILER!)
2477103
I see then that's an interesting idea. yeah i like rarijack too