Leedle leedle leedle lee
Pinkie has decided to give Derpy a fantastic muffin as a friendly gift. Derpy, rather than eating it, decides to treasure it forever. However, Ponyville is notorious for random mishaps.
Will Derpy be able to protect her delicious baked good, or will it face its inevitable consumption?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It needs work, I think.
The prose doesn't feel very natural, almost robotic. Especially "Lyra and BonBon in an erotic position". It's not that it seems to be an attempt to make the resder imagine it, it's that matter-of-fact series of statements with only the bare minimum of adjectives feels lazy and sounds boring. It's not fluid or artistic, an you'll want to be those if you want to turn heads. I'm not saying that it should be flowery or descriptive, but if it has to be in order to keep the reader invested, so be it.
Your dialogue is okay, but I crindge whenever Derpy says "I just don't know what went wrong!" It's an unneccesary and contrived cliche at this point.
All in all, try to sound more invested in your story. Use more adjectives, abuse what I refer to as Artistically Fragmented Sentences, overall read it over and see if you're skimming. If not, you should invest the reader.
The major problem in this fic is the dry, boring prose. Be unneccesarily descriptive. Plus, it pads out the fic quite nicely.
Thanks for your criticism!
ive seen your first attempt and reading this chapter again i can tell youve improved in your writing though for some reason i continue to wonder where on the DFS your derpy stands on (DFS means derpy fanfic scale) as it seems to switch around alot
but regardless Nice job
also i was wondering as to why it was never elaborated as to why pinky decided to make this muffin hmmm i just feel that the story would come together better even if its just a "because derpy asked her" excuse
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She's Pinkie Pie, she's allowed to be random!
lol i take it back thats a better excuse
lol finally
the epic conclusion and what a doosy of a conclusion it was!
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The fun isn't over yet!
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MY FACE!
4865994
You better believe it.
Wonderful! I LOVE Derpy stories!
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You'll enjoy this one for sure!
OMG this was great!
I'm honestly sad that it's over. 
lol literally Perfect ending to this silly story. Loved it.