"I can't wait to show you around, muffin."
With her new muffin in tow, Derpy trotted back home. As she walked, she couldn't help but notice the many ponies stopping to stare, jaws agape, at her glorious muffin. A few ponies were vigorously salivating, even.
Derpy quickened her pace; she didn't wish for her muffin to be snatched up and gobbled by any eager mouths, despite the fact that it had already been bitten. One stallion in particular kept his gaze locked onto Derpy's muffin as she walked past.
"That muffin," he murmured to himself. "It's amazing! I must have it!"
He slowly lurked after Derpy, doing his best to remain inconspicuous. He wanted to have that muffin. He needed to have that muffin. However, Derpy was not your average mare. Her muffin senses began to tingle, alerting her to nearby dangers. She spun in place to face her potential perpetrator. falling over in the process.
"I see you!" shouted an upside down Derpy.
To her surprise, there was no pony following her.
Derpy apologized to the trash can and the cardboard box to which she had shouted. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and continued on her way, remaining oblivious to her stalker's presence.
"Almost got me," the stallion chuckled to himself.
Ponies gazed with curious eyes at the cardboard box which began tailing Derpy.
"Ahh... it's good to be home."
Derpy retrieved the newly enchanted muffin from her saddlebags. "Where should I put you, muffin? Do you want to be on the dinner table? Or near the window?"
She decided that it should be easily noticeable by anypony who entered her home. What's the point in having the best muffin ever if you cannot show it off? With that in mind, she brainstormed for an attractive way to display her prized possession. After an hour of silent contemplation, Derpy finally came to a solution. She searched through her drawers for string, cardboard and colorful markers.
Once again, Derpy failed to notice the cardboard box leaning suspiciously against her front window.
"Ahh, so this is where you live," the box spoke out loud. "Your muffin is as good as mine!"
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from invading the privacy of other ponies," spoke a muscular guard who had spotted the odd occurrence during his regular patrol.
"But you don't understand! I need her muffin!" replied the box.
The guard could hear the stallion grotesquely smacking his lips.
"Sir, I'm afraid that if you don't take off that box and remove yourself from this mare's home, I'll have you arrested."
"Fine."
Reluctantly, the stallion removed his camouflage and left the scene. He turned a corner, and instead of continuing on his way, lingered in hopes that the guard would continue on his patrol. Unfortunately for him, the guard remained rooted.
"Lieutenant Grey Mail this is Bronze Wing, I'm going to need another guard to continue my patrol. I've just seen a rather peculiar stallion and I'd like to ensure that he doesn't cause any harm to a young mare."
"Understood Bronze Wing, we are dispatching Clover to continue your patrol. Stay vigilant."
"Affirmative Lieutenant, Bronze Wing out."
The guard glowered at the stallion as his eagle eyes spotted him ever so slightly peeking from behind the corner.
"Guess I'll have to come back later," seethed the stallion, "I doubt he'll still be standing there tomorrow."
The stallion sauntered over to his previous spot, doing his best to look inconspicuous. With speed matching that of a drugged sloth, he poked his head around the corner.
He was still there.
"How am I going to get that muffin now?" he thought, "That guard doesn't understand. That muffin is absolute perfection. I'll need it if I'm going to win the next upcoming baker's competition! Doughnutopia wasn't enough to win me first prize last year, it was lacking a final center piece. That mare's muffin would be perfect for the job! I could even rename my dish to Douffintopia! That'll show the Cakes who's really the best baker around!"
"Muahahaha!" cackled the stallion.
"Mommy Mommy! It's the funny stallion again!"
The stallion waited until the two walked by to continue his scheming.
"Looks like it's time to call in a favor from a special friend of mine."
Rarity was diligently working on her latest ensemble. She had received a huge order from Sapphire Shore the other day, requesting something 'flashy' for her latest tour. Rarity knew that Sapphire Shores probably already had a truckload of 'flashy' outfits that she could reuse, but she wasn't complaining. Rarity had undoubtedly jumped at the business offer and had ever since been fastidiously slaving away over her sewing machine.
"Hey Rarity!" yelled Sweetie Belle.
"Ahhh!" Rarity gasped. "Sweetie Belle... what have I told you about barging in on me like that?"
"I just came to tell you that a customer just walked in," replied Sweetie Belle.
"Oh, is that so?" said Rarity, "Tell him or her that I'll be down in a minute."
"Sure thing sis!"
Sweetie Belle bolted down the stairs, eager to annoy the new customer. Rarity took the moment to make herself presentable; she couldn't greet customers looking like she'd just rolled out of bed. After fixing her mane a bit, she trotted downstairs to greet her customer.
"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, unique and magnifique!" chimed Rarity as she shooed the ever so annoying Sweetie Belle away.
"Hello Rarity."
"Oh well if it isn't you again!" Rarity replied, "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"I was thinking that it's about time I called in that favor you owed me."
"Oh of course! I still cannot thank you enough for the doughnuts you had ever so generously gifted to me awhile back."
The stallion inwardly smirked. A few gifts and a compliment here and there worked wonders for getting on a mare's good side.
"Well, I was wondering if you could—"
"Oh! Let me guess... you need a new tuxedo?" Rarity butted in.
"No, I need you to—"
"Make you a fancy new top hat? Black is definitely your color... a nice dark brown wouldn't hurt either."
"Could you let me finish?"
"Oh sorry, I guess I got a bit too excited."
"Indeed. Anyway, I need you to come with me."
"Why?" asked Rarity. "Are you... asking me out?"
"No its nothing like that. I'll explain on the way."
"Well, since I do owe you the favor, I guess I can come along. I needed a little break anyway."
After a short walk, the dynamic duo found themselves slowly approaching Derpy's humble home.
"So what business do we have with Derpy exactly?" Rarity asked. "Oh! You like her don't you! I can give you some excellent advice on how to make a mare notice you!"
The stallion didn't bother to roll his eyes a second time. As the two slowly approached the front door, the stallion noticed that something was off.
"Where did that guard go?" he thought.
He slowly looked around, checking for any possible hiding spots which the guard could be using to survey the area. Upon examining his surroundings, he decided that the guard had simply left. He also located his discarded cardboard box.
"Perhaps I won't need Rarity after all."
The stallion opted to peek inside of the home to see if Derpy was still inside. Hopefully, she would be gone and he could take the time to snoop around in search of the muffin. He did a full circle around the building, peeping in through all the windows. To his astonishment, once he checked the back window, he saw Derpy sitting at a table conversing with the same guard he had previously seen.
"Just a thought, but maybe we shouldn't be invading the privacy of other ponies like this?" Rarity suggested.
Rarity's suggestion caused an eyebrow to be raised. "As if you've never done it," he snarked.
"What! Why that's absolutely! Well... maybe I occasionally snoop around." Rarity admitted, "I just can't pass up a good opportunity for gossip."
"Say, why don't we eavesdrop on these two ponies for some juicy gossiping material?"
Rarity lit up like a Hearth's Warming tree, saying, "Why, I thought you'd never ask!"
Rarity scrambled over. The pair pressed their faces to the wall, hoping to hear the conversation. Luckily for them, they were by the back window, so the public wouldn't see them making such a gross invasion of privacy.
"I can't hear a thing. What about you Rarity?"
"Oh I can hear them perfectly," Rarity boasted. "Years of practice, after all."
"Well... don't just stand there! Tell me what's going on!"
"Oh hush! I'm still trying to make sense of what they are talking about. Well... it appears that they are talking about their favorite flavors of muffin. Apparently the royal chefs in the guard barracks can bake a mean Coffeecake Muffin. Why I never... who would've thought that Princess Luna had an obsession with Moon Sugar muffins? I heard those were quite unhealthy. Well I guess she should really eat some more. She won't be getting any stallions with a rump like that."
The stallion was starting to get irritated. He was obviously not getting anywhere, and Rarity was beginning to annoy him with her melodrama. He needed a way to get that guard out of Derpy's house and away from the area. But how?
"Oh, what's this, it sounds like Derpy has a super duper secret muffin that no one else but Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle know about."
Upon hearing about his beloved muffin, the stallion snapped into full attention. He risked another peek at the window in an effort to see it, and was rewarded with an eyeful of muffiny goodness. He glared at the it as it wove its delicious spell on his eyeballs.
"Darling are you alright? And why are you suddenly drooling so much?"
The stallion snapped out of his stupor and did his best to focus on the task at hand.
"Forget about it, can you tell me what they are talking about now?"
"Well... it sounds like Derpy is offering the guard a very, very, very tiny piece of the muffin for being such a wonderful guest and for making sure that she wasn't assaulted by a perverted stallion."
He took another peek at the window and, much like Rarity, made an overly dramatic gasp at the sight. Derpy had taken a small sewing needle, poked a microscopic piece of muffin and placed it on the stallion's tongue. The muffin had been reduced in size! Oh most woeful of days! He failed to fight back a small tear and continued to watch the scene unfold.
"Err... thank you... Madame Hooves," said the guard, unsure of how to respond to unusual gesture.
"Oh! Well what kind of hostess would I be if i didn't offer my guest a bite to eat?" remarked Derpy. "It's the least I can for you to repay you for protecting me and my muffin."
"I am just doing my duty madame. Anyway, I best be returning to the castle, my shift is almost over and it would appear that that strange stallion will not be returning."
"Thanks for the company!" said Derpy.
"It was my pleasure miss—"
The guards pupils slowly dilated. He remained frozen in place for a few seconds. Derpy, and her invaders of personal privacy, watched as a fly landed on the guard's eye, causing no reaction.
"Oh dear, do you think something is wrong with the poor fellow?" Rarity inquired.
"Your guess is as good as mine Rarity," replied Joe. "Let's just see what happens."
Rarity nodded in silent agreement and reverted her attention back to the scene.
"Mr Guard, are you alright?" Derpy asked.
"Muffins," whispered the guard.
"What was that?"
"Muffins," said the guard, this time in normal volume.
"Yes I like muffins too!" Derpy agreed.
"Muffins!" yelled the guard.
"Muffins!" Derpy concurred.
Years of training served the guard well as he deftly snatched the muffin from Derpy's hooves.
"My muffin!" shouted Derpy.
"It's mine now!" barked the guard as he took a very small bite, as if to savor every last crumb.
That drove Derpy over the edge. With superpony strength, she viciously tackled the heavily armored stallion to the ground. The guard put up quite a fight as he tried to prevent Derpy from grabbing the muffin. Derpy, however, was a master at the art of muffin snatching; the veteran guard stood no chance against the onslaught.
After several minutes, Derpy managed to pry her muffin from the guard's possessed hooves. Once it was no longer in his possession, the guard snapped out of his trance.
"Wow, what happened?" asked the guard.
"Get out of my house!" Derpy commanded.
"Madame! Please calm down! What's the matter?"
"Just get out! You almost hurt my muffin!"
The guard was unsure of how to handle the situation. He remembered having a pleasant conversation with the mare, but after that, everything was a haze. Derpy was beginning to cause a ruckus, and he didn't want to attract unwanted attention. The guard decided to just leave.
"I sincerely apologize for any trouble I may have caused Madame Hooves. I'll be taking my leave now."
Unfortunately for the two spies, the guard decided to leave through the backdoor.
"He's coming this way," the stallion whispered. "Hide quickly!"
Rarity dive bombed into a nearby rosebush while the stallion whipped out his cardboard camouflage.
They silently prayed that the guard wouldn't notice them as he walked out. The guard's eyes took notice of a dirty cardboard box and a rosebush with a pony sized gap in it.
"Hmm, now who decided to just leave this box here? Hey... haven't I seen this box before?"
The stallion moved to retrieve the box, but was stopped when he heard silent whimpering coming from the rosebush. He went for a closer look and once was surprised to find one Miss Rarity covered in thorns.
"Miss, are you alright?" asked the guard. "And how did you get in there?"
"Oh it's a long story," Rarity replied.
Rarity quickly fabricated an elaborate tale involving Rainbow Dash requesting her help for a new trick. Thus, resulting in her being deposited in a rosebush while Rainbow Dash spiraled into Celestia knows where.
"That sounds like quite the adventure. Come, I'll help you walk home." said the guard.
Rarity could very much walk, but she didn't want to pass up on the chance of walking with such a handsome stallion. She had quite enough gossip for one day, and simply wished for a nice cup of chamomile tea to relax with.
"That would be just lovely," replied Rarity.
The pair walked off leaving the cardboard box alone. The stallion noticed as Rarity threw a sly wink back his way.
"Your welcome," she mouthed.
The stallion smiled at his victory. Rarity had proven quite useful after all. With the guard now out of the way, he would be able to bust in under the cover of night and make off with the muffin. He would need to be quick and quiet. Joe risked another peek at the window to see what Derpy was doing.
She retrieved a bandage from a cabinet and gingerly placed it on the muffin's fresh bite mark. "Don't worry my muffin, you can sleep with me tonight. But tomorrow, I'll let you sleep by yourself in your special place." said Derpy to her muffin.
"What is wrong with this mare?" mumbled the stallion.
"Muffin, stop complaining! You can't sleep with me forever! You're growing up! I'm only gonna let you sleep with me this once.
"..."
"I don't care if you get nightmares about being eaten by that guard! "
"..."
"Shh... it'll be alright my muffin."
Derpy carried the muffin with her upstairs and went to bed. The stallion weighed his options. Should he bust in right now? Or should he wait till tomorrow night? He decided to come back tomorrow in the dead of night to claim his prize. He would bust in, snatch the muffin and be off before Derpy knew it. It would be like taking candy from a foal!