• Member Since 25th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 9th, 2015

Connor Shadows


T

Thanks to CarmelSwirls for editing my story.Special thanks goes out to Shodscrool. Thanks for introducing me to the fandom man. Without you this story would have never been written.
Every one has read cupcakes right? if you haven't read it or go to YouTube and listen to mike the microphone read it's awesome.
Description time!!!
Those who kill the Innocent do not deserve to live in this world. That's where me and my dark passenger come in. My next target is a monster like I've never scene. She kills her friends and fellow ponies to put in her cupcake mix. How she was not prosecuted for her crime escapes me ,but in some ways i'm happy she's not locked. Now she will meet her end on my table. Your days are numbered Pinkie Pie.
Oh yeah the characters are not mine the belong to mlp and the show Dexter. Anyone watching the new season its not a good a the other ones. Dexter not, mlp that's doing fine
Anyone who has seen the show should get the pic, again not mine.

Chapters (6)
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Comments ( 21 )

oh crap, this should be good.
Just for future reference, I suggest putting a character's thoughts in italics.That way you can tell if they're actually saying it or just thinking it. :twilightsmile:

Other than that, the first chapter was good. I love that show :twilightsmile:

1915058 ok :rainbowhuh: well hope you enjoyed the story anyway :rainbowlaugh:

1933843 thanks man glad to see my story isn't bad :rainbowlaugh:

1910786 me too man but the new season let me down

Darn i was hoping for a gruesome torture scene:pinkiecrazy: *sees the teen rating* oh thats right you had to stay in the rating you set for it. i haven't read the Dexter books I've seen the show but i like to read the books the books are good right?:yay:

1977271 not sure I've never gotten my hand on one i want it though. Dexter doesn't torture he stabs and done. You read it all?

1977284
I did and i enjoyed it. its true Dexter is more of a stabber then a torturer its been a while since I've last seen the show. when it comes to cupcakes and pinkie i like to stay away since i am a huge Pinkie fanboy then again i do some pretty bad things to her in my stories too.:twilightblush: so what i do is separate canon!pinkie with cupcakes!pinkie.:twilightsmile: I hope to see more from you.

1977331 thanks man but i think i'm done with Dexter cuz really that's the only one that made sense to write about, poor pinkie. :rainbowlaugh: I've never read this story all the way through though which is weird in my opinion. :facehoof:

1983248
Yeah i just have her hear the cupcakes rumor from some jerk and she gets depressed and her friends go and beat up whoever started the rumor in the first place.:scootangel: thats fine there is always more room for new ideas.:twilightsmile:

I'd normally give this type of comment for a story that's incomplete, and on the first story, if it's part of a soon-to-be series. So keep this in mind if you plan on doing another crossover: A large portion, if not all, of the readers that read crossovers read them to see how someone was able to make two universes they like interact with each other. In this case you went with the ponification route. While, it's not bad in and of itself, it's generally frowned upon as most authors that do that are either lazy, or don't really give enough of a damn about the universes to add his/her own flair to them. I'm not saying that you're one of those, it's just an all-too-easy pitfall to trip up on.

As for the first chapter, it was good, but I noticed some mistakes. The biggest is more of a combined opinion, but thoughts are generally in italics to differentiate the thoughts from the description and dialogue/monologue/soliloquy. Also, this is just more of a personal preference, as I'm thinking about joining the Dexter/mlp writers and write my own, but some may actually find it better if you had started off the first chapter as the producers had started off the series. Example: (This example could be used for a Dexter enters Equestria type of crossover.)

Tonight's the night...

And it's going to happen again and again...

The man's name was Drew Tyson. He was a sole beneficiary and investor of several small companies in and around the Miami, Florida area. With the occasional plummet of a business, the figurehead would go missing, only to turn up dead three to four days after a heavy rainfall. The man was a heavy drinker and frequented a bar in the CBD area of downtown Miami: The Blue Martini.

See what I mean? Anywho, onto the next chapter!

My point still stands for the italics.

Within seconds, Dexter was face to face with his prey. The curly-haired, pink pony shot into the room faster than Dexter thought possible for an earth pony.

“I’m definitely going to have to sneak up on her. There’s no way I could catch her with that speed.”

“Hi, how may I help yo-…” Her voice trailed off for a second. She then got right in Dexter’s face and looked him over. “I don’t know you, are you new to Ponyville?” she asked with a cheery tone and smile.

This is a perfect example of why you should italicize thoughts.

Quick paced and awkward chapter is quick paces and awkward. With a little bit more care and time this chapter could've been lodes better.

Also, formatting errors:

“No.”
“I was only in there a few minutes and the owner found exactly what I wanted. That guys good at his job,” Dexter shouted out so quickly that Ditzy could tell he was in hurry, so she didn't ask him anymore questions.

“ Okay. Maybe I’ll go sometime.”

Red - Needs a single space. (press enter twice)
Cyan - Unnecessary space
Green - guy's not guys.

Dexter rolled up his bundle of knives and placed them in the bag with the plastic wrap.
“That’s all I need now to change,” thought Dexter after he put the false bottom and keepsakes back in and closed the chest.

Red - Same as above red.

She then let her thoughts go to another darker place. “I’m almost out of special ingredient for my cupcakes. I need to see who’s next on the list,” she concluded with a smile. “I hope it’s a unicorn I haven’t had unicorn in a while.”
Pinkie was only a few minutes from the bakery and she was in for a surprise once she got there.

“Really? A surprise? For me? That’s awesome narrator guy!”

Hey! No, Pinkie you can’t talk to me!

“Why not?”

Just follow the story Pinkie it’s almost over, this is the last chapter with you in it. After that you can go.

“Ooookay Fine.”

Thank you. Sorry about that reader you know how Pinkie is. XP

Red - Format error.

btw, overused but still tasteful breakage of 4th wall!:twilightsmile:

2289942 nah I didn't want to do also I don't think that I could I'm new to writer junk

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