Thanks to CarmelSwirls for editing my story.Special thanks goes out to Shodscrool. Thanks for introducing me to the fandom man. Without you this story would have never been written.
Every one has read cupcakes right? if you haven't read it or go to YouTube and listen to mike the microphone read it's awesome.
Description time!!!
Those who kill the Innocent do not deserve to live in this world. That's where me and my dark passenger come in. My next target is a monster like I've never scene. She kills her friends and fellow ponies to put in her cupcake mix. How she was not prosecuted for her crime escapes me ,but in some ways i'm happy she's not locked. Now she will meet her end on my table. Your days are numbered Pinkie Pie.
Oh yeah the characters are not mine the belong to mlp and the show Dexter. Anyone watching the new season its not a good a the other ones. Dexter not, mlp that's doing fine
Anyone who has seen the show should get the pic, again not mine.
oh crap, this should be good.
Just for future reference, I suggest putting a character's thoughts in italics.That way you can tell if they're actually saying it or just thinking it.
Other than that, the first chapter was good. I love that show
Somepony reads my mind...
1910786 thank u sir
1910805 is that a positive comment?
1915049 Neutral comment
1915058 ok well hope you enjoyed the story anyway
I love, love, love this story!!
1933843 thanks man glad to see my story isn't bad
1933843 dexter fan?
1910786 me too man but the new season let me down
Darn i was hoping for a gruesome torture scene *sees the teen rating* oh thats right you had to stay in the rating you set for it. i haven't read the Dexter books I've seen the show but i like to read the books the books are good right?
1977271 not sure I've never gotten my hand on one i want it though. Dexter doesn't torture he stabs and done. You read it all?
1977284
I did and i enjoyed it. its true Dexter is more of a stabber then a torturer its been a while since I've last seen the show. when it comes to cupcakes and pinkie i like to stay away since i am a huge Pinkie fanboy then again i do some pretty bad things to her in my stories too. so what i do is separate canon!pinkie with cupcakes!pinkie. I hope to see more from you.
1977331 thanks man but i think i'm done with Dexter cuz really that's the only one that made sense to write about, poor pinkie. I've never read this story all the way through though which is weird in my opinion.
1977331 bad things?
1983248
Yeah i just have her hear the cupcakes rumor from some jerk and she gets depressed and her friends go and beat up whoever started the rumor in the first place. thats fine there is always more room for new ideas.
I'd normally give this type of comment for a story that's incomplete, and on the first story, if it's part of a soon-to-be series. So keep this in mind if you plan on doing another crossover: A large portion, if not all, of the readers that read crossovers read them to see how someone was able to make two universes they like interact with each other. In this case you went with the ponification route. While, it's not bad in and of itself, it's generally frowned upon as most authors that do that are either lazy, or don't really give enough of a damn about the universes to add his/her own flair to them. I'm not saying that you're one of those, it's just an all-too-easy pitfall to trip up on.
As for the first chapter, it was good, but I noticed some mistakes. The biggest is more of a combined opinion, but thoughts are generally in italics to differentiate the thoughts from the description and dialogue/monologue/soliloquy. Also, this is just more of a personal preference, as I'm thinking about joining the Dexter/mlp writers and write my own, but some may actually find it better if you had started off the first chapter as the producers had started off the series. Example: (This example could be used for a Dexter enters Equestria type of crossover.)
Tonight's the night...
And it's going to happen again and again...
The man's name was Drew Tyson. He was a sole beneficiary and investor of several small companies in and around the Miami, Florida area. With the occasional plummet of a business, the figurehead would go missing, only to turn up dead three to four days after a heavy rainfall. The man was a heavy drinker and frequented a bar in the CBD area of downtown Miami: The Blue Martini.
See what I mean? Anywho, onto the next chapter!
My point still stands for the italics.
This is a perfect example of why you should italicize thoughts.
Quick paced and awkward chapter is quick paces and awkward. With a little bit more care and time this chapter could've been lodes better.
Also, formatting errors:
Red - Needs a single space. (press enter twice)
Cyan - Unnecessary space
Green - guy's not guys.
Red - Same as above red.
Red - Format error.
btw, overused but still tasteful breakage of 4th wall!
2289942 nah I didn't want to do also I don't think that I could I'm new to writer junk