The Muffin Mishap

by ilikefrenchfries1010

The Theft

Throughout the previous days, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense had been warning her about Derpy's muffin. She had been receiving twitchy tails, twitchy eyes, floppy ears, cramps, itchy noses, muscle spasms and even bloating! Pinkie trusted Derpy to take reliable care of the muffin, and to ensure that it didn't fall into the wrong hooves. However, she couldn't simply ignore all the warnings she had been receiving. To put her concerns to rest, she had decided to check up on Derpy and her muffin in the morning. It was quite a special muffin, after all. The extra ingredient she added could have strange effects on most, if not all ponies. She had only added it because she knew that Derpy could handle the flavor explosion as well as the side effects that it might create. Why, Derpy had bested her in a hot sauce muffin eating competition not too long ago.

Pinkie's anxiety slowly grew as she approached Derpy's humble abode. She graduated from bouncing along the path, to floating and propelling herself with her tail.

"Hi Twilight!" Pinkie spurted as she floated by.

---

"Good morning muffin..." Derpy mumbled as her body slowly began to function. "Did you sleep well?"

"..."

"Good to hear. Come on, let's get some breakfast."

Derpy lovingly cradled the muffin as she walked down the stairs and into her kitchen. She gently removed the bandage from it.

"There, all better!" Derpy observed. "The platelets in your crumbs must have helped fill in the bite mark. Now you wait here while I get myself something to eat."

Derpy set the muffin down on the kitchen table as she trotted over to her fridge. Her eyes gazed at the wide array of delicacies available for her consumption. She settled upon a blueberry muffin, topped with whipped cream.

"Hmm? What's that muffin?"

"..."

"You don't like it when I eat other muffins in your presence? Well I'm sorry, it's not my fault I need to eat to survive!"

"..."

"Muffin, please don't be like that," Derpy pleaded. "Look, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think about how you would feel with me eating your brethren in front of you."

"…"

"Aww, I love you too."

Derpy lovingly kissed her muffin, making a loud smack noise.

"You know, I didn't even name you yet. How about I call you... Muffin!"

"..."

"I'm glad you like that name! From know on, you shall be know as Muffin. My little Muffin."

*CRASH*

"Helloooooo? Anypony home?" Pinkie inquired as she floated in, leaving the front door wide open.

"Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!" greeted Derpy.

"Hi Derpy! Nice to see you! Anyway, I stopped by to check on you and your muffin. Is everything alright with you two?"

"Ya we're fine," Derpy replied. "His name is Muffin now, by the way. He is in the kitchen, why don't you say hi?"

"Good idea Derpy!" Pinkie agreed. "Say... what's that thing hanging from the ceiling."

"Oh that? I made it for muffin so that he can be seen in all his glory!"

"Well it certainly gets the job done!" Pinkie giggled as she and Derpy trotted into the kitchen.

"Muffin, we have a visitor, come and say hello!" Derpy announced.

"Hi Muffin! It's been awhile since I last saw you! It's me Pinkie Pie remember? Although Derpy is your owner and or your mother, I was the one who made you so I guess that sorta makes me your...aunt? Oh! I've always wanted to be called Auntie Pinkie Pie. Or maybe Grandma Pinkie...? Oh you can just call me whatever you want I suppose."

"..."

"So what have you two been up to huh, Derpy?" Pinkie asked, "I can see you took a few bites."

"Oh, I've decided to treasure this muffin forever. I wasn't the one who bit it, aside from the first bite."

A look of shock briefly appeared on Pinkie's face. She tentatively asked, "How many ponies bit it exactly?"

"Two ponies."

"Did they end up going crazy and or insane when they bit it?"

Derpy thought back to the incidents with Twilight and the guard. Both of them went bonkers when they bit the muffin. Could it be that the muffin's incredible flavor assault was too much for them to handle? Or was there a problem with the muffin itself?

"Well Pinkie, when Twilight and that other guy took a bite of my muffin, they both started acting crazy! But they snapped out of it when I took the muffin from them."

"Wait, did you say Twilight took a bite from it?" Pinkie asked.

"Ya."

"Does Twilight know that I made the muffin?"

"Yup. I told her that you had made it for me."

"Uh oh, I hope she didn't realize that I added the special ingredient she warned me about."

"Wait, what special ingredient?" Derpy inquired.

"W-w-what? Special ingredient? What special ingredient? Who said anything about a special ingredient?" Pinkie stuttered.

"But you just mentioned—"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did," Derpy confirmed.

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"Yes I did."

"No you didn't." Derpy had been played like a violin.

"Sorry Derpy, but I better get going now. The Cakes are gonna need my help for a massive order we just received from Princess Celestia!"

"Wow! You got an order from Princess Celestia?" Derpy gasped.

"Sure did! Our cakes are quite famous after all, and Celestia has quite the sweet tooth as well. Why, I still remember that article that Gabby Gums wrote about her."

"Hey, maybe you could make her a muffin like Muffin over here," Derpy suggested. "Surely she would love to have a muffin as fantastic as this one."

Derpy saw a faint blush through Muffin's vanilla frosting.

"I don't think that's a good idea Derpy," Pinkie replied. "Anyway I better go now. It was nice to see you Derpy! You too Muffin!"

"Bye Pinkie!" Derpy yelled as the pink mare left the building. "Well, I better get to work now. Ponyville's mail won't deliver itself after all."

Derpy went to retrieve her mailbag, but was halted by a voice coming from the kitchen.

"Why of course you can come with me muffin!" Derpy laughed.

---

The tingle of the Ponville Post Office's door chime alerted everyone to Derpy's presence.

"Hiyah Derpy!" greeted the post office's receptionist. "Your packages for the day are waiting for you in the back room."

"Thanks Miss Mingles," Derpy replied.

As Derpy went to retrieve her packages, she was blissfully unaware of the snickers of everypony in the building.

"Say Derpy, whatcha got there?" chortled a fellow coworker.

"Oh? I see you've noticed my new attire." said Derpy. "How do I look?"

Derpy did her personal recreation of a naughty pose she found while perusing a magazine article. Throwing in a wink for good measure. While a select few stallions actually whistled to themselves, a majority of the ponies in the room couldn't help but laugh at the display. It was all in good fun though, as Derpy was good friends with all of her coworkers.

"You could give Fluttershy a run for her money with moves like that!" teased a stallion.

Derpy blushed a bit at the compliment.

"Aww stop it, I couldn't possibly do that."

"He's right," commented another stallion, "I'd say she'd give the princesses something to be jealous about."

Derpy's blush deepened. She stored the packages in her saddlebags and was about to leave the building when she had a wardrobe malfunction.

"Whoops. My bad," said Derpy as the string around her head loosened, dropping a certain object.

"Here let me help you with that," offered a nearby mare.

"That would be nice," replied Derpy.

The mare replaced the object on Derpy's head and deftly secured it with an expert knot.

"There, that should be better."

"Thanks a lot!"

With her atrociously awkward attire affixed on her head, Derpy waved goodbye to everypony and left to begin making her rounds.

A janitor swept up a few crumbs from the floor as he walked by.

"That mare is something else," he mumbled.

---

"It's good to be home isn't it Muffin?" Derpy asked the object on her head as she glided for her front door.

"What was your favorite part of the day Muffin?"

Five minutes later

"I liked that part too! My favorite part was everything! Anytime is a good time with you my little Muffin Wuffin."

Derpy unlocked her front door and headed inside. As she hit the lights, she noticed something rather peculiar.

"Hey... I don't remember leaving a cardboard box in here." Derpy took a long look at the box. It seemed familiar to her, but she couldn't recall why.

Suddenly, Derpy had an idea. She dragged the surprisingly heavy box into her living room and then stood on it, eliciting a groan from the stallion underneath. Using the box as a stepladder, Derpy removed the muffin from her head and placed it on the ceiling decoration which she had built earlier. Her wings were tired from all the flying she'd done, so a makeshift step ladder was a welcome addition to the household.

"Goodnight Muffin, I'll see you in the morning."

Derpy gave the muffin a goodnight kiss and then shoved the box into the corner, thus eliciting in a few more groans of discomfort.

"Did you hear something Muffin?" Derpy asked as her ears twitched.

The room was so silent that Rainbow Dash could be heard crashing into a tree from a good distance away. After a quick sweep of the room, she decided that her ears had been playing tricks on her. She trotted upstairs to get ready for bed, blissfully unaware of the box's suspicious actions.

The box waited in the corner until Derpy went to sleep. When it heard the loud snores from the mare upstairs, it slowly revealed its contents.

The stallion underneath took in his surroundings. It would seem that he was in the living room. He quickly and quietly began to examine the room in hopes of finding the muffin. He spent several minutes wandering around aimlessly, opening cupboards, cabinets, the fridge and even the garbage can. By chance, he happened to glance at the ceiling, and was surprised to find an unusual decoration. Hanging from the ceiling, was a clumsily cut piece of cardboard, easily noticeable by anyone entering through the front door. There were several holes poked into it through which pieces of string came through. It all came together to form a makeshift chandelier. Also worth noting, were several pieces of paper stuck in the ceiling with colorful writing on them. One in particular read, 'Best muffin in the world!' He didn't care about all that though, for his attention was captivated by the one object sitting in the center of the chandelier.

"I have you now."

Suddenly, the snores stopped, and movement could be heard from upstairs. The stallion had little time to react as a mare rapidly descended the stairs.

"Muffin! Are you alright!? I heard you crying for help!" Derpy panicked. "Wait... Doughtnut Joe? What are you doing here? Oh, are we having a slumber party? Hang on a sec, I got a sleeping bag upstairs!"

Joe facehoofed.

"I'm here for your beloved muffin!" Joe snapped.

"What? Why? Are you two friends?" asked Derpy.

"No, I just–"

"Coworkers?"

"No! Listen to me. I. Am. Here. To. Steal. Your. Muffin."

"Oh."

"Don't worry, I'll be gone before you know it."

"I don't think so."

"Oh, is that so? What makes you think that I can't take it?"

"Go ahead and try it. Make my day... I mean night," Derpy mocked.

"Oh ya? Maybe I will then!" Joe snapped.

"Oh ya?"

"Ya!"

On that note, Joe's horn began to glow as he levitated the muffin towards him. He was puzzled as to why he couldn't move it more then a few inches. It was as if an invisible wall was blocking it. Frustrated, he cried out in anger, "Why can't I take it?"

"Ha!" laughed Derpy. "Joke's on you, Mr. Joe."

"What's so funny!?"

"Well you see. I had Twilight cast a little enchantment on my little chandelier here. It is protected by an invisible magical barrier. You won't be taking Muffin here anytime soon."

"What's the point in having that if it'll stop you from getting your muffin?"

"The barrier's voice activated; it will only open if I say open. Wait a minute."

Joe didn't give Derpy a chance to react as he levitated the muffin towards him.

"Hey! You give that back right this instant!" warned Derpy.

Unfortunately for Derpy, Joe came prepared. From within his bag, Joe retrieved his most useful tool.

A stick!

Joe waved the stick back and forth in front of Derpy's derped eyes. He smirked as he watched her eyes trace the stick's every move.

"See the stick? See the stick, Derpy? Now... fetch!" yelled Joe as he pelted the stick out of the window.

"Woof! woof woof woof!" barked Derpy as she flew after the stick.

Derpy's minor distraction gave Joe the time he needed to retrieve a specially made doughnut from his saddlebags. It was a special mix, filled with sleeping powder and illegal memory-erasing chemicals.

Moments later, Derpy returned, tail wagging and wings fluttering. Her attention was drawn to the in the center of the room by a doughnut. It couldn't hold a candle to Muffin, but it still looked rather tasty. Derpy trotted over to it and took a small bite from it.

She fell into a deep, peaceful sleep right on her living room floor.

She didn't hear the triumphant cackling of a middle-aged baker.

Author's Note: