Pinkie has decided to give Derpy a fantastic muffin as a friendly gift. Derpy, rather than eating it, decides to treasure it forever. However, Ponyville is notorious for random mishaps.
Will Derpy be able to protect her delicious baked good, or will it face its inevitable consumption?
"Oh boy! Derpy's gonna love this!" Pinkie screamed, unable to contain her excitement.
"Hey Pinkie!" shouted a sleepy stallion from the upstairs bedroom, "Could you please be a little more quiet?"
"Whoops! Sorry Mr. Cake!"
Pinkie stirred the batter extra slowly, taking care not to create any loud racket as she continued to work on her masterpiece. She didn't want the Cakes to be miserable and grumpy later during the day anyway. She made sure to wake up extra early so she would have sufficient time to work on her latest creation.
"Hmm... would Derpy rather the hot sauce sprinkles or the banana sprinkles?" Pinkie pondered.
After spending five minutes weighing the pros and cons of each choice, she came upon a suitable decision.
"I'll just add both!"
Do you know the muffin mare, the muffin mare the muffin mare,
Do you know the muffin mare who lives in Ponyvi—
*Click*
Derpy let out a very loud yawn as she slowly rose out of bed, her alarm clock having effectively woken her up. She was usually a bit sluggish in the mornings. Not this morning, however, as she knew that Pinkie Pie had a special surprise for her later. With haste, she completed her morning rituals of brushing her teeth, having a quick shower and eating breakfast before heading off for Sugarcube Corner. As she flew, she pondered what exactly Pinkie had in store for her. She knew that it would most likely be a muffin. However, a certain question remained.
"I wonder what kind of muffin it will be."
She thought about all of her favorite muffins.
"Blueberry, banana, chocolate chip, strawberry, cinnamon, triple ultra mega super dup—"
Flying straight into your neighbor's bedroom window was a common side effect of not paying attention while flying. That and the fact that Derpy was... well... Derpy.
"Derpy!? What are you doing here!? Get out!" cried Lyra and Bon Bon.
"My bad!" replied Derpy.
CRASH
"My flower pot!"
"Whoopsie!"
TWANG
"Hey! I just fixed that yesterday!"
"Sorry!" apologized Derpy, right before she tumbled head over hooves back out the window.
The remainder of Derpy's flight was uneventful, she managed to make it to Sugarcube Corner without severely injuring or disturbing somepony else. It was still quite early when she finally arrived at the store. Derpy proceeded to enter the store, but was prevented from doing so when a certain pink mare materialized behind her and shoved her in quickly.
"Get in quick, Derpy! It's almost time!" squealed an excited Pinkie Pie as she pushed Derpy in.
Pinkie then proceeded to close and barricade every window, door, or opening which could be found in the bakery.
"Pinkie is everything—" Derpy began before being silenced by a hoof in her mouth.
"Shh.... this is a very secret surprise I'm going to show you. Not just anypony can witness this sacred moment," replied Pinkie.
After removing her hoof from Derpy's mouth, Pinkie Pie proceeded to lead Derpy into the basement. Derpy had several more questions but decided against asking them. Having a hoof shoved in your mouth was not a very pleasant experience, even if said hoof tasted like candy. The basement was pitch black. Derpy couldn't see her hooves or Pinkie Pie as they stumbled around. Were it not for Pinkie's inane chattering, she would have been lost by now.
"So, where are we going?"
"..."
Pinkie stopped talking. Pinkie never stopped talking. Something was obviously wrong. Derpy broke into a cold sweat as her mind conjured fearsome images.
Suddenly a certain pink mare appeared behind Derpy and proceeded to wrap her in a vicious hug. In that instant, several spotlights which were strategically placed along the ceiling came to life and lit up a single spot in the center of the room.
"Surprise!" screamed Pinkie.
Surprisingly, Derpy didn't even flinch. No, her derpy eyes were fixated on one object and one object only. That magnificent baked good which was being illuminated by the dazzling array of spotlights.
"Muffin!" yelled Derpy.
Derpy grabbed the muffin in a very Daring Doo like manner. She then examined its every detail. It was the size of a watermelon. Its fluffy texture was quite pleasant to the touch. It was delicately smothered in vanilla and chocolate frosting. Derpy could see traces of blueberry, banana, chocolate chip, strawberry, cinnamon, and even triple ultra mega super duper—
"Hey!" Pinkie interrupted Derpy's examination, "Be careful with that muffin! You have no idea how long it took me to get the correct ratio of muffin to frosting!"
"Sorry Pinkie," replied a sad Derpy.
"It's fine," Pinkie said dismissively, "do you like it?"
To answer her question, Derpy proceeded to take a bite out of said muffin. Her face immediately contorted into a mixture of happiness and pleasure. The incredible flavor assaulted her taste buds with the power of a thousand of Celestia's suns.
"Wow! This is incredible Pinkie," Derpy praised, smiling in her approval.
"I'm glad you like it Derpy, anything for a friend of mine," replied Pinkie. "Come on now, I'll lead you back upstairs."
"Mmmhmm." said Derpy with a mouthful of muffin.
"Oh, by the way Derpy," said Pinkie Pie, "be very very careful with that muffin. It must not fall into the wrong hooves!"
"Why? What's so bad about my muffin? Muffins are wonderful!" replied Derpy.
"Oh, there is nothing wrong with that muffin Derpy," said Pinkie. "But my Pinkie sense has been giving me strange warnings. Why just this morning, I had an ear twitch followed by a tail wag and an itchy eyeball! Or maybe my eye was just itchy... oh well it doesn't matter! Just, try to avoid having too many people taste it. The consequences could be dire!"
Derpy gave a sharp salute in return, but not without smacking herself in the forehead.
Derpy could not keep her eyes off of the muffin during her flight home. She had decided that rather than eating it like a normal mare, she would put it up on a display table in her bedroom. It would be the perfect home decoration! Pinkie had really outdone herself this time.
"I should probably ask Twilight to cast a preservation spell on it to keep it from going stale as well," thought Derpy, "Maybe even a voice activated magical barrier!"
With a new destination in mind, Derpy set a course for the Ponyville Library.
"Ahh... finally finished." sighed Twilight.
Reshelving all of the books in the library by categorzing and alphabetizing was not an easy feat. She didn't even have Spike's assistance as he was busy running errands as usual. Nevertheless, she had finished. Pleased with herself, Twilight set some tea to boil and pulled up one of her new favorite books.
*CRASH*
Twilight jolted from her seat. That crash no doubt meant trouble for her precious books. She quickly ran to the source of the violent noise.
"Rainbow Dash! You are in so much trouble when I get to you!" yelled Twilight.
Upon arrival, Twilight was greeted not by a certain rainbow pegasus, but by Derpy.
"Hiyah Twilight!" Derpy greeted with a wave.
Twilight mentally shoved her frustration into the dark recesses of her mind. Rainbow Dash was careless when she decided to use the library as a crash landing spot, Derpy, however, couldn't help it. The fact that every single book in the llibrary was now scattered in a haphazard manner on the floor really wasn't helping Twilight control herself, friendship expert or not.
"Hello Derpy, welcome to the library!" beamed Twilight through a facade of happiness and sunshine.
"Wow, wait a minute, is Derpy actually here to try and read a book? Oh boy! I knew that she would eventually succumb to the wonders of literature, just like Rainbow Dash."
The thought of a new pony joining the book bandwagon brightened Twilight's sour mood.
"Did you come here to pick up a book? If you give me a few minutes I can have the library somewhat re shelved and then you can find something you like!" beamed Twilight.
"Well actually, I'm not really here to pick up a book," Derpy replied.
"Why am I not surprised." thought Twilight.
"Well then, what can I do for you Derpy?
"I was hoping you could cast some of your magical spells on my awesome new muffin."
"Why would you need me to cast some spells on your muffin? Well, I guess I could cast a taste amplifying spell, but that would require quite a bit of preparation. Maybe if I could figure out some way to alter its physical structure I can apply Starswirl the Bearded's Spell of Cellular A-"
"Twilight!" interrupted Derpy.
"Oops! Sorry, I guess I got a bit carried away," Twilight blushed. "Anyway, what exactly do you want me to do with your muffin?"
In response, Derpy reached into her saddlebag and pulled out Pinkie's muffin. Twilight's pupils slowly enlarged as she took in the awesomeness infront of her eyes.
"I was hoping you could maybe cast a fancy preservation spell on it to keep it from going stale," said Derpy. "A muffin this amazing deserves to be put up on display."
"Wouldn't you rather eat it like, well, anyone else would?" Twilight asked.
"Nope!" responded Derpy.
"Well... I guess I have nothing else to do anyway," thought Twilight.
"Tell you what Derpy, if you help me reshelve all of these tumbled up books, I'll be more than happy to help you with your... muffin issues."
"Deal!"
A few hours later, Derpy and Twilight were almost finished with re shelving the library. Things would have gone by much quicker if Derpy hadn't kept placing books in the wrong sections or knocking them over by mistake. Twilight, however, didn't mind much as she enjoyed the mare's company.
"So Derpy, that muffin must be really special for you to want to display it rather than eat it," said Twilight in an effort to break the silence.
"It is Twilight!" replied Derpy. "Pinkie gave it to me! It is also the most delicious muffin I've ever tasted in my life! And I've probably eaten at least... ten muffins in my lifetime!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. She knew for a fact that the mare had eaten tens of thousands of muffins by now. She probably ate muffins for breakfast, lunch, dinner and as a quick snack. She couldn't help but glance at the muffin sitting on the table. Honestly, it was a really fantastic muffin, disregarding the fact that there was a small chunk bitten off already.
"Hey, Derpy, do you think that I could maybe have a little bite?"
Derpy did a slight double take. She loved to share and make other ponies happy. However, one does not simply ask Derpy for a bite of her muffin. Derpy mulled it over in her head. She would probably refuse if Lyra or Bon Bon had asked. Twilight, however, was a good friend. In the end, Derpy decided that Twilight could have a bite. Maybe just a nibble. Reluctantly, Derpy grabbed the muffin from the table and offered it to Twilight.
"Here Twilight, you can have a little piece," said Derpy.
"Thank you!"
Twilight grabbed the muffin from Derpy's outstretched hoof. Ever so slowly, she brought the muffin closer and closer to her mouth. Twilight had to fight to keep from giggling as she watched Derpy's eyes trace the muffin as Opalescence would with a ball of yarn. After what seemed like a eternity to Derpy, Twilight finally took a tiny bite out of the muffin.
"Is everything alright Twilight?" Derpy inquired. "What happened to your pupils? And why are you trembling so much? It isn't that cold."
Twilight continued to stare at the muffin as if entranced by it.
"Twilight, can I have my muffin back now?"
No response. Derpy began to grow anxious as Twilight remained unresponsive. Suddenly, she gave a violent outburst.
"Muffins!" cackled Twilight.
Derpy found Twilight's laugh rather silly, she began to join in.
"Muffins!" yelled Derpy.
"Muffins!" yelled Twilight.
"Muffins!" screamed Derpy.
"Muffins!" screamed Twilight.
Derpy was enjoying herself quite a bit, who knew Twilight was also a muffin fanatic?
However all the fun stopped when Twilight slowly brought the muffin to her mouth once more. Time stopped as Derpy frantically launched herself at Twilight with speed to rival Rainbow Dash.
"Noooooooo!" Derpy yelled as she deftly snatched the muffin from Twilight.
Twilight came back to her senses once the muffin was out of her sight.
"Oh, my head hurts," Twilight said, "What just happened?"
"You almost ate my muffin!" Derpy whined.
"I did?" thought Twilight, "What got over me?"
"Sorry Derpy, I guess your muffin was just too good to resist."
"It's alright Twilight. Just please don't threaten my muffin like that again."
"She really does love her muffins." Twilight snickered. "Why did that muffin entrance me like that though? I sure hope Pinkie didn't add that "special" ingredient I warned her about a long time ago. Nah, Pinkie wouldn't be silly enough to do that. Or would she..."
"Hey Twilight, would you mind enchanting my muffin now?" Derpy asked.
"Oh of course!"
After hoofing the muffin over, Derpy watched in amazement as Twilight's horn began to glow and give off wisps off smoke-like gas. The wisps swirled around the muffin in a beautiful dance until they finally became infused with it.
"Well, that should prevent the muffin from going stale for about a year or so. It's still safe to eat in case you were wondering."
"Oh it was nothing. Now, I was wondering if you'd be interested in this book... Derpy?"
Derpy was nowhere to be seen of course. She had quickly left the building the moment after she thanked Twilight, being eager to show her muffin around town.
However, little did poor Derpy know that her muffin was soon to be in danger.
With her new muffin in tow, Derpy trotted back home. As she walked, she couldn't help but notice the many ponies stopping to stare, jaws agape, at her glorious muffin. A few ponies were vigorously salivating, even.
Derpy quickened her pace; she didn't wish for her muffin to be snatched up and gobbled by any eager mouths, despite the fact that it had already been bitten. One stallion in particular kept his gaze locked onto Derpy's muffin as she walked past.
"That muffin," he murmured to himself. "It's amazing! I must have it!"
He slowly lurked after Derpy, doing his best to remain inconspicuous. He wanted to have that muffin. He needed to have that muffin. However, Derpy was not your average mare. Her muffin senses began to tingle, alerting her to nearby dangers. She spun in place to face her potential perpetrator. falling over in the process.
"I see you!" shouted an upside down Derpy.
To her surprise, there was no pony following her.
Derpy apologized to the trash can and the cardboard box to which she had shouted. She picked herself up, dusted herself off, and continued on her way, remaining oblivious to her stalker's presence.
"Almost got me," the stallion chuckled to himself.
Ponies gazed with curious eyes at the cardboard box which began tailing Derpy.
"Ahh... it's good to be home."
Derpy retrieved the newly enchanted muffin from her saddlebags. "Where should I put you, muffin? Do you want to be on the dinner table? Or near the window?"
She decided that it should be easily noticeable by anypony who entered her home. What's the point in having the best muffin ever if you cannot show it off? With that in mind, she brainstormed for an attractive way to display her prized possession. After an hour of silent contemplation, Derpy finally came to a solution. She searched through her drawers for string, cardboard and colorful markers.
Once again, Derpy failed to notice the cardboard box leaning suspiciously against her front window.
"Ahh, so this is where you live," the box spoke out loud. "Your muffin is as good as mine!"
"Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to refrain from invading the privacy of other ponies," spoke a muscular guard who had spotted the odd occurrence during his regular patrol.
"But you don't understand! I need her muffin!" replied the box.
The guard could hear the stallion grotesquely smacking his lips.
"Sir, I'm afraid that if you don't take off that box and remove yourself from this mare's home, I'll have you arrested."
"Fine."
Reluctantly, the stallion removed his camouflage and left the scene. He turned a corner, and instead of continuing on his way, lingered in hopes that the guard would continue on his patrol. Unfortunately for him, the guard remained rooted.
"Lieutenant Grey Mail this is Bronze Wing, I'm going to need another guard to continue my patrol. I've just seen a rather peculiar stallion and I'd like to ensure that he doesn't cause any harm to a young mare."
"Understood Bronze Wing, we are dispatching Clover to continue your patrol. Stay vigilant."
"Affirmative Lieutenant, Bronze Wing out."
The guard glowered at the stallion as his eagle eyes spotted him ever so slightly peeking from behind the corner.
"Guess I'll have to come back later," seethed the stallion, "I doubt he'll still be standing there tomorrow."
The stallion sauntered over to his previous spot, doing his best to look inconspicuous. With speed matching that of a drugged sloth, he poked his head around the corner.
He was still there.
"How am I going to get that muffin now?" he thought, "That guard doesn't understand. That muffin is absolute perfection. I'll need it if I'm going to win the next upcoming baker's competition! Doughnutopia wasn't enough to win me first prize last year, it was lacking a final center piece. That mare's muffin would be perfect for the job! I could even rename my dish to Douffintopia! That'll show the Cakes who's really the best baker around!"
"Muahahaha!" cackled the stallion.
"Mommy Mommy! It's the funny stallion again!"
The stallion waited until the two walked by to continue his scheming.
"Looks like it's time to call in a favor from a special friend of mine."
Rarity was diligently working on her latest ensemble. She had received a huge order from Sapphire Shore the other day, requesting something 'flashy' for her latest tour. Rarity knew that Sapphire Shores probably already had a truckload of 'flashy' outfits that she could reuse, but she wasn't complaining. Rarity had undoubtedly jumped at the business offer and had ever since been fastidiously slaving away over her sewing machine.
"Hey Rarity!" yelled Sweetie Belle.
"Ahhh!" Rarity gasped. "Sweetie Belle... what have I told you about barging in on me like that?"
"I just came to tell you that a customer just walked in," replied Sweetie Belle.
"Oh, is that so?" said Rarity, "Tell him or her that I'll be down in a minute."
"Sure thing sis!"
Sweetie Belle bolted down the stairs, eager to annoy the new customer. Rarity took the moment to make herself presentable; she couldn't greet customers looking like she'd just rolled out of bed. After fixing her mane a bit, she trotted downstairs to greet her customer.
"Welcome to the Carousel Boutique! Where everything is chic, unique and magnifique!" chimed Rarity as she shooed the ever so annoying Sweetie Belle away.
"Hello Rarity."
"Oh well if it isn't you again!" Rarity replied, "And to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?"
"I was thinking that it's about time I called in that favor you owed me."
"Oh of course! I still cannot thank you enough for the doughnuts you had ever so generously gifted to me awhile back."
The stallion inwardly smirked. A few gifts and a compliment here and there worked wonders for getting on a mare's good side.
"Well, I was wondering if you could—"
"Oh! Let me guess... you need a new tuxedo?" Rarity butted in.
"No, I need you to—"
"Make you a fancy new top hat? Black is definitely your color... a nice dark brown wouldn't hurt either."
"Could you let me finish?"
"Oh sorry, I guess I got a bit too excited."
"Indeed. Anyway, I need you to come with me."
"Why?" asked Rarity. "Are you... asking me out?"
"No its nothing like that. I'll explain on the way."
"Well, since I do owe you the favor, I guess I can come along. I needed a little break anyway."
After a short walk, the dynamic duo found themselves slowly approaching Derpy's humble home.
"So what business do we have with Derpy exactly?" Rarity asked. "Oh! You like her don't you! I can give you some excellent advice on how to make a mare notice you!"
The stallion didn't bother to roll his eyes a second time. As the two slowly approached the front door, the stallion noticed that something was off.
"Where did that guard go?" he thought.
He slowly looked around, checking for any possible hiding spots which the guard could be using to survey the area. Upon examining his surroundings, he decided that the guard had simply left. He also located his discarded cardboard box.
"Perhaps I won't need Rarity after all."
The stallion opted to peek inside of the home to see if Derpy was still inside. Hopefully, she would be gone and he could take the time to snoop around in search of the muffin. He did a full circle around the building, peeping in through all the windows. To his astonishment, once he checked the back window, he saw Derpy sitting at a table conversing with the same guard he had previously seen.
"Just a thought, but maybe we shouldn't be invading the privacy of other ponies like this?" Rarity suggested.
Rarity's suggestion caused an eyebrow to be raised. "As if you've never done it," he snarked.
"What! Why that's absolutely! Well... maybe I occasionally snoop around." Rarity admitted, "I just can't pass up a good opportunity for gossip."
"Say, why don't we eavesdrop on these two ponies for some juicy gossiping material?"
Rarity lit up like a Hearth's Warming tree, saying, "Why, I thought you'd never ask!"
Rarity scrambled over. The pair pressed their faces to the wall, hoping to hear the conversation. Luckily for them, they were by the back window, so the public wouldn't see them making such a gross invasion of privacy.
"I can't hear a thing. What about you Rarity?"
"Oh I can hear them perfectly," Rarity boasted. "Years of practice, after all."
"Well... don't just stand there! Tell me what's going on!"
"Oh hush! I'm still trying to make sense of what they are talking about. Well... it appears that they are talking about their favorite flavors of muffin. Apparently the royal chefs in the guard barracks can bake a mean Coffeecake Muffin. Why I never... who would've thought that Princess Luna had an obsession with Moon Sugar muffins? I heard those were quite unhealthy. Well I guess she should really eat some more. She won't be getting any stallions with a rump like that."
The stallion was starting to get irritated. He was obviously not getting anywhere, and Rarity was beginning to annoy him with her melodrama. He needed a way to get that guard out of Derpy's house and away from the area. But how?
"Oh, what's this, it sounds like Derpy has a super duper secret muffin that no one else but Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle know about."
Upon hearing about his beloved muffin, the stallion snapped into full attention. He risked another peek at the window in an effort to see it, and was rewarded with an eyeful of muffiny goodness. He glared at the it as it wove its delicious spell on his eyeballs.
"Darling are you alright? And why are you suddenly drooling so much?"
The stallion snapped out of his stupor and did his best to focus on the task at hand.
"Forget about it, can you tell me what they are talking about now?"
"Well... it sounds like Derpy is offering the guard a very, very, very tiny piece of the muffin for being such a wonderful guest and for making sure that she wasn't assaulted by a perverted stallion."
He took another peek at the window and, much like Rarity, made an overly dramatic gasp at the sight. Derpy had taken a small sewing needle, poked a microscopic piece of muffin and placed it on the stallion's tongue. The muffin had been reduced in size! Oh most woeful of days! He failed to fight back a small tear and continued to watch the scene unfold.
"Err... thank you... Madame Hooves," said the guard, unsure of how to respond to unusual gesture.
"Oh! Well what kind of hostess would I be if i didn't offer my guest a bite to eat?" remarked Derpy. "It's the least I can for you to repay you for protecting me and my muffin."
"I am just doing my duty madame. Anyway, I best be returning to the castle, my shift is almost over and it would appear that that strange stallion will not be returning."
"Thanks for the company!" said Derpy.
"It was my pleasure miss—"
The guards pupils slowly dilated. He remained frozen in place for a few seconds. Derpy, and her invaders of personal privacy, watched as a fly landed on the guard's eye, causing no reaction.
"Oh dear, do you think something is wrong with the poor fellow?" Rarity inquired.
"Your guess is as good as mine Rarity," replied Joe. "Let's just see what happens."
Rarity nodded in silent agreement and reverted her attention back to the scene.
"Mr Guard, are you alright?" Derpy asked.
"Muffins," whispered the guard.
"What was that?"
"Muffins," said the guard, this time in normal volume.
"Yes I like muffins too!" Derpy agreed.
"Muffins!" yelled the guard.
"Muffins!" Derpy concurred.
Years of training served the guard well as he deftly snatched the muffin from Derpy's hooves.
"My muffin!" shouted Derpy.
"It's mine now!" barked the guard as he took a very small bite, as if to savor every last crumb.
That drove Derpy over the edge. With superpony strength, she viciously tackled the heavily armored stallion to the ground. The guard put up quite a fight as he tried to prevent Derpy from grabbing the muffin. Derpy, however, was a master at the art of muffin snatching; the veteran guard stood no chance against the onslaught.
After several minutes, Derpy managed to pry her muffin from the guard's possessed hooves. Once it was no longer in his possession, the guard snapped out of his trance.
"Wow, what happened?" asked the guard.
"Get out of my house!" Derpy commanded.
"Madame! Please calm down! What's the matter?"
"Just get out! You almost hurt my muffin!"
The guard was unsure of how to handle the situation. He remembered having a pleasant conversation with the mare, but after that, everything was a haze. Derpy was beginning to cause a ruckus, and he didn't want to attract unwanted attention. The guard decided to just leave.
"I sincerely apologize for any trouble I may have caused Madame Hooves. I'll be taking my leave now."
Unfortunately for the two spies, the guard decided to leave through the backdoor.
"He's coming this way," the stallion whispered. "Hide quickly!"
Rarity dive bombed into a nearby rosebush while the stallion whipped out his cardboard camouflage.
They silently prayed that the guard wouldn't notice them as he walked out. The guard's eyes took notice of a dirty cardboard box and a rosebush with a pony sized gap in it.
"Hmm, now who decided to just leave this box here? Hey... haven't I seen this box before?"
The stallion moved to retrieve the box, but was stopped when he heard silent whimpering coming from the rosebush. He went for a closer look and once was surprised to find one Miss Rarity covered in thorns.
"Miss, are you alright?" asked the guard. "And how did you get in there?"
"Oh it's a long story," Rarity replied.
Rarity quickly fabricated an elaborate tale involving Rainbow Dash requesting her help for a new trick. Thus, resulting in her being deposited in a rosebush while Rainbow Dash spiraled into Celestia knows where.
"That sounds like quite the adventure. Come, I'll help you walk home." said the guard.
Rarity could very much walk, but she didn't want to pass up on the chance of walking with such a handsome stallion. She had quite enough gossip for one day, and simply wished for a nice cup of chamomile tea to relax with.
"That would be just lovely," replied Rarity.
The pair walked off leaving the cardboard box alone. The stallion noticed as Rarity threw a sly wink back his way.
"Your welcome," she mouthed.
The stallion smiled at his victory. Rarity had proven quite useful after all. With the guard now out of the way, he would be able to bust in under the cover of night and make off with the muffin. He would need to be quick and quiet. Joe risked another peek at the window to see what Derpy was doing.
She retrieved a bandage from a cabinet and gingerly placed it on the muffin's fresh bite mark. "Don't worry my muffin, you can sleep with me tonight. But tomorrow, I'll let you sleep by yourself in your special place." said Derpy to her muffin.
"What is wrong with this mare?" mumbled the stallion.
"Muffin, stop complaining! You can't sleep with me forever! You're growing up! I'm only gonna let you sleep with me this once.
"..."
"I don't care if you get nightmares about being eaten by that guard! "
"..."
"Shh... it'll be alright my muffin."
Derpy carried the muffin with her upstairs and went to bed. The stallion weighed his options. Should he bust in right now? Or should he wait till tomorrow night? He decided to come back tomorrow in the dead of night to claim his prize. He would bust in, snatch the muffin and be off before Derpy knew it. It would be like taking candy from a foal!
Throughout the previous days, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense had been warning her about Derpy's muffin. She had been receiving twitchy tails, twitchy eyes, floppy ears, cramps, itchy noses, muscle spasms and even bloating! Pinkie trusted Derpy to take reliable care of the muffin, and to ensure that it didn't fall into the wrong hooves. However, she couldn't simply ignore all the warnings she had been receiving. To put her concerns to rest, she had decided to check up on Derpy and her muffin in the morning. It was quite a special muffin, after all. The extra ingredient she added could have strange effects on most, if not all ponies. She had only added it because she knew that Derpy could handle the flavor explosion as well as the side effects that it might create. Why, Derpy had bested her in a hot sauce muffin eating competition not too long ago.
Pinkie's anxiety slowly grew as she approached Derpy's humble abode. She graduated from bouncing along the path, to floating and propelling herself with her tail.
"Hi Twilight!" Pinkie spurted as she floated by.
"Good morning muffin..." Derpy mumbled as her body slowly began to function. "Did you sleep well?"
"..."
"Good to hear. Come on, let's get some breakfast."
Derpy lovingly cradled the muffin as she walked down the stairs and into her kitchen. She gently removed the bandage from it.
"There, all better!" Derpy observed. "The platelets in your crumbs must have helped fill in the bite mark. Now you wait here while I get myself something to eat."
Derpy set the muffin down on the kitchen table as she trotted over to her fridge. Her eyes gazed at the wide array of delicacies available for her consumption. She settled upon a blueberry muffin, topped with whipped cream.
"Hmm? What's that muffin?"
"..."
"You don't like it when I eat other muffins in your presence? Well I'm sorry, it's not my fault I need to eat to survive!"
"..."
"Muffin, please don't be like that," Derpy pleaded. "Look, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't think about how you would feel with me eating your brethren in front of you."
"…"
"Aww, I love you too."
Derpy lovingly kissed her muffin, making a loud smack noise.
"You know, I didn't even name you yet. How about I call you... Muffin!"
"..."
"I'm glad you like that name! From know on, you shall be know as Muffin. My little Muffin."
*CRASH*
"Helloooooo? Anypony home?" Pinkie inquired as she floated in, leaving the front door wide open.
"Oh, hi Pinkie Pie!" greeted Derpy.
"Hi Derpy! Nice to see you! Anyway, I stopped by to check on you and your muffin. Is everything alright with you two?"
"Ya we're fine," Derpy replied. "His name is Muffin now, by the way. He is in the kitchen, why don't you say hi?"
"Good idea Derpy!" Pinkie agreed. "Say... what's that thing hanging from the ceiling."
"Oh that? I made it for muffin so that he can be seen in all his glory!"
"Well it certainly gets the job done!" Pinkie giggled as she and Derpy trotted into the kitchen.
"Muffin, we have a visitor, come and say hello!" Derpy announced.
"Hi Muffin! It's been awhile since I last saw you! It's me Pinkie Pie remember? Although Derpy is your owner and or your mother, I was the one who made you so I guess that sorta makes me your...aunt? Oh! I've always wanted to be called Auntie Pinkie Pie. Or maybe Grandma Pinkie...? Oh you can just call me whatever you want I suppose."
"..."
"So what have you two been up to huh, Derpy?" Pinkie asked, "I can see you took a few bites."
"Oh, I've decided to treasure this muffin forever. I wasn't the one who bit it, aside from the first bite."
A look of shock briefly appeared on Pinkie's face. She tentatively asked, "How many ponies bit it exactly?"
"Two ponies."
"Did they end up going crazy and or insane when they bit it?"
Derpy thought back to the incidents with Twilight and the guard. Both of them went bonkers when they bit the muffin. Could it be that the muffin's incredible flavor assault was too much for them to handle? Or was there a problem with the muffin itself?
"Well Pinkie, when Twilight and that other guy took a bite of my muffin, they both started acting crazy! But they snapped out of it when I took the muffin from them."
"Wait, did you say Twilight took a bite from it?" Pinkie asked.
"Ya."
"Does Twilight know that I made the muffin?"
"Yup. I told her that you had made it for me."
"Uh oh, I hope she didn't realize that I added the special ingredient she warned me about."
"Wait, what special ingredient?" Derpy inquired.
"W-w-what? Special ingredient? What special ingredient? Who said anything about a special ingredient?" Pinkie stuttered.
"But you just mentioned—"
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did," Derpy confirmed.
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
"Yes I did."
"No you didn't." Derpy had been played like a violin.
"Sorry Derpy, but I better get going now. The Cakes are gonna need my help for a massive order we just received from Princess Celestia!"
"Wow! You got an order from Princess Celestia?" Derpy gasped.
"Sure did! Our cakes are quite famous after all, and Celestia has quite the sweet tooth as well. Why, I still remember that article that Gabby Gums wrote about her."
"Hey, maybe you could make her a muffin like Muffin over here," Derpy suggested. "Surely she would love to have a muffin as fantastic as this one."
Derpy saw a faint blush through Muffin's vanilla frosting.
"I don't think that's a good idea Derpy," Pinkie replied. "Anyway I better go now. It was nice to see you Derpy! You too Muffin!"
"Bye Pinkie!" Derpy yelled as the pink mare left the building. "Well, I better get to work now. Ponyville's mail won't deliver itself after all."
Derpy went to retrieve her mailbag, but was halted by a voice coming from the kitchen.
"Why of course you can come with me muffin!" Derpy laughed.
The tingle of the Ponville Post Office's door chime alerted everyone to Derpy's presence.
"Hiyah Derpy!" greeted the post office's receptionist. "Your packages for the day are waiting for you in the back room."
"Thanks Miss Mingles," Derpy replied.
As Derpy went to retrieve her packages, she was blissfully unaware of the snickers of everypony in the building.
"Say Derpy, whatcha got there?" chortled a fellow coworker.
"Oh? I see you've noticed my new attire." said Derpy. "How do I look?"
Derpy did her personal recreation of a naughty pose she found while perusing a magazine article. Throwing in a wink for good measure. While a select few stallions actually whistled to themselves, a majority of the ponies in the room couldn't help but laugh at the display. It was all in good fun though, as Derpy was good friends with all of her coworkers.
"You could give Fluttershy a run for her money with moves like that!" teased a stallion.
Derpy blushed a bit at the compliment.
"Aww stop it, I couldn't possibly do that."
"He's right," commented another stallion, "I'd say she'd give the princesses something to be jealous about."
Derpy's blush deepened. She stored the packages in her saddlebags and was about to leave the building when she had a wardrobe malfunction.
"Whoops. My bad," said Derpy as the string around her head loosened, dropping a certain object.
"Here let me help you with that," offered a nearby mare.
"That would be nice," replied Derpy.
The mare replaced the object on Derpy's head and deftly secured it with an expert knot.
"There, that should be better."
"Thanks a lot!"
With her atrociously awkward attire affixed on her head, Derpy waved goodbye to everypony and left to begin making her rounds.
A janitor swept up a few crumbs from the floor as he walked by.
"That mare is something else," he mumbled.
"It's good to be home isn't it Muffin?" Derpy asked the object on her head as she glided for her front door.
"What was your favorite part of the day Muffin?"
Five minutes later
"I liked that part too! My favorite part was everything! Anytime is a good time with you my little Muffin Wuffin."
Derpy unlocked her front door and headed inside. As she hit the lights, she noticed something rather peculiar.
"Hey... I don't remember leaving a cardboard box in here." Derpy took a long look at the box. It seemed familiar to her, but she couldn't recall why.
Suddenly, Derpy had an idea. She dragged the surprisingly heavy box into her living room and then stood on it, eliciting a groan from the stallion underneath. Using the box as a stepladder, Derpy removed the muffin from her head and placed it on the ceiling decoration which she had built earlier. Her wings were tired from all the flying she'd done, so a makeshift step ladder was a welcome addition to the household.
"Goodnight Muffin, I'll see you in the morning."
Derpy gave the muffin a goodnight kiss and then shoved the box into the corner, thus eliciting in a few more groans of discomfort.
"Did you hear something Muffin?" Derpy asked as her ears twitched.
The room was so silent that Rainbow Dash could be heard crashing into a tree from a good distance away. After a quick sweep of the room, she decided that her ears had been playing tricks on her. She trotted upstairs to get ready for bed, blissfully unaware of the box's suspicious actions.
The box waited in the corner until Derpy went to sleep. When it heard the loud snores from the mare upstairs, it slowly revealed its contents.
The stallion underneath took in his surroundings. It would seem that he was in the living room. He quickly and quietly began to examine the room in hopes of finding the muffin. He spent several minutes wandering around aimlessly, opening cupboards, cabinets, the fridge and even the garbage can. By chance, he happened to glance at the ceiling, and was surprised to find an unusual decoration. Hanging from the ceiling, was a clumsily cut piece of cardboard, easily noticeable by anyone entering through the front door. There were several holes poked into it through which pieces of string came through. It all came together to form a makeshift chandelier. Also worth noting, were several pieces of paper stuck in the ceiling with colorful writing on them. One in particular read, 'Best muffin in the world!' He didn't care about all that though, for his attention was captivated by the one object sitting in the center of the chandelier.
"I have you now."
Suddenly, the snores stopped, and movement could be heard from upstairs. The stallion had little time to react as a mare rapidly descended the stairs.
"Muffin! Are you alright!? I heard you crying for help!" Derpy panicked. "Wait... Doughtnut Joe? What are you doing here? Oh, are we having a slumber party? Hang on a sec, I got a sleeping bag upstairs!"
Joe facehoofed.
"I'm here for your beloved muffin!" Joe snapped.
"What? Why? Are you two friends?" asked Derpy.
"No, I just –"
"Coworkers?"
"No! Listen to me. I. Am. Here. To. Steal. Your. Muffin."
"Oh."
"Don't worry, I'll be gone before you know it."
"I don't think so."
"Oh, is that so? What makes you think that I can't take it?"
"Go ahead and try it. Make my day... I mean night," Derpy mocked.
"Oh ya? Maybe I will then!" Joe snapped.
"Oh ya?"
"Ya!"
On that note, Joe's horn began to glow as he levitated the muffin towards him. He was puzzled as to why he couldn't move it more then a few inches. It was as if an invisible wall was blocking it. Frustrated, he cried out in anger, "Why can't I take it?"
"Ha!" laughed Derpy. "Joke's on you, Mr. Joe."
"What's so funny!?"
"Well you see. I had Twilight cast a little enchantment on my little chandelier here. It is protected by an invisible magical barrier. You won't be taking Muffin here anytime soon."
"What's the point in having that if it'll stop you from getting your muffin?"
"The barrier's voice activated; it will only open if I say open. Wait a minute."
Joe didn't give Derpy a chance to react as he levitated the muffin towards him.
"Hey! You give that back right this instant!" warned Derpy.
Unfortunately for Derpy, Joe came prepared. From within his bag, Joe retrieved his most useful tool.
A stick!
Joe waved the stick back and forth in front of Derpy's derped eyes. He smirked as he watched her eyes trace the stick's every move.
"See the stick? See the stick, Derpy? Now... fetch!" yelled Joe as he pelted the stick out of the window.
"Woof! woof woof woof!" barked Derpy as she flew after the stick.
Derpy's minor distraction gave Joe the time he needed to retrieve a specially made doughnut from his saddlebags. It was a special mix, filled with sleeping powder and illegal memory-erasing chemicals.
Moments later, Derpy returned, tail wagging and wings fluttering. Her attention was drawn to the in the center of the room by a doughnut. It couldn't hold a candle to Muffin, but it still looked rather tasty. Derpy trotted over to it and took a small bite from it.
She fell into a deep, peaceful sleep right on her living room floor.
She didn't hear the triumphant cackling of a middle-aged baker.
"Would you like some more muffins, your majesty?" inquired the servant.
"That would be positively splendid. Please send for several dozen more."
"At once your majesty."
"Oh, one more thing!"
"Yes your majesty?"
"Make it chocolate."
"Of course your majesty."
The queen slowly and regally chewed her muffin as she watched her servant make his way towards the door. Once he had exited the room, she eagerly crammed the entire thing into her mouth, smacking her lips in approval of the royal chef's talent.
"Finished already? Not even Big Macintosh has an appetite quite like you do my queen," observed Celestia.
"Well, a queen needs her energy. I can't run Equestria on an empty stomach now can I?"
"I suppose not."
"Precisely!"
A few minutes later, the servant returned with his horn aglow, carrying two heavy trays loaded with chocolate muffins.
"Here you are, your majesty," said the servant.
"Thank you very much. You may take your leave now."
"Very well, simply call me if you need my services."
On that note, the stallion placed the two trays in the center of the dining table and took his leave. Queen Derpy, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Princess Cadence each retrieved eight muffins from the trays and set them down on their plates.
"Alright girls," Derpy teased, "ready to lose to Muffin and I again?"
"Nay!" argued Luna. "Tis I who shall be victorious this time! Thou shall cower under my muffin-eating prowess!""
"I swear, that muffin you wear around your neck must be giving you superpowers," Cadence commented.
"Muffin here offers me encouragement, nothing more," replied Derpy.
"Thats right," Muffin concurred, "I merely cheer Derpy on. You girls need to step up your game!"
"Come on girls, let's show Derpy a thing or two about muffin eating," encouraged Celestia.
"Alright girls, on my mark, eat those muffins like there's no tomorrow!" announced Muffin.
Everpony took their respective positions and prepared for the eat off of the century.
"One!"
Luna squinted at Derpy.
"Two!"
Celestia adjusted her regalia.
"Three!"
Cadence prematurely opened her mouth.
"Go!"
"Derpy? Derpy! Wake up! Why are you on the floor?" said Pinkie as she repeatedly poked Derpy in a desperate attempt to awaken her.
Pinkie's incessant prodding slowly pulled Derpy out of her sleep. "Ha... you lose again Luna."
"Princess Luna? Where? Oh no! I had no idea she was coming! How am I gonna prepare a party on such short notice..."
Pinkie's inane chattering shook the last few remnants of sleep from Derpy's mind. "No, Princess Luna isn't here. I was just dreaming, sorry," apologized Derpy.
"Oh that's okay Derpy," assured Pinkie. "Although, I probably should throw Princess Luna a party in the future. I wonder what kind of cake she'd like. I know she loves Moonsugar. Maybe I could make a Mega Moonsugar Madness cake!"
"Sounds yummy!" said Derpy. "Anyway, what brings you back to my house?"
"Oh that's right! I came hear to tell you... wait... why was I here again?"
"Wait. You came to my house, but you can't even remember why you did?" asked Derpy.
"Nope!" Pinkie confirmed.
"Well alright then, say, would you like to say hi to Muffin?
"Sure!" Pinkie agreed.
Derpy led Pinkie into the living room. She flew up to her cardboard chandelier to wake Muffin up. "Wakey wakey eggs and bakey!" she cheerfully sang.
Derpy was flabbergasted as to why Muffin wasn't exactly where she left him yesterday. Derpy slowly began to panic.
"Muffin? Muffin! Muffin where are you?"
"Derpy what's wrong?" Pinkie inquired.
"It's Muffin! I can't find him!" Derpy panicked.
"Ooooo, I bet he's playing hide and seek with us!"
Derpy laughed aloud at her stupidity. Of course Muffin wasn't gone. He was just playing hide and seek with her. She would find him and they would be together again.
Muffin would never ever leave her. They were best friends. They would be happy together. Forever.
"You're right Pinkie," Derpy agreed. "Muffin is quite the playful one. I bet he's hiding right under our noses!"
Pinkie checked under her nose.
"Nope! Not there!"
"Let's see who can find him first!" challenged Derpy.
"You're on!"
THIRTY MINUTES LATER
By the time Derpy and Pinkie finished searching, the house was a complete mess. Random paraphernalia littered the floor, trays had been yanked out of wardrobes, the couch was missing several cushions, the fridge had been turned upside down and a rotten hay burger had been found under the carpet. The two ponies grew tired of searching, and decided to end the fun little charade.
"Alright Muffin you win," Derpy panted.
"Olly olly oxen free!" Pinkie shouted.
No response.
"Muffin, you can come out now, the game's over."
Still no response. Reality slowly caught up to Derpy. While their little game had been a minor distraction, Derpy couldn't escape the truth. It was an unbearable one which broke Derpy's heart, but it was still the truth, and Derpy wept because of it.
Muffin was gone.
"Pinkie, I think Muffin really is... gone. S-someone must've taken him or something."
"Oh my gosh! I just remembered why I came here in the first place!" shouted Pinkie.
"W-why?" asked Derpy.
"Well you see, last night when I was sleeping, my Pinkie Sense was warning that something bad was going to happen. I had hoped it wouldn't be related to you or Muffin. I came first thing in the morning, but... it looks like I was too late."
"But why? Why would Muffin leave me!?" cried Derpy.
"But... but who could do such a thing? Ponyville is the nicest town ever. Why would anybody need to steal from me of all ponies?"
"I don't know why Derpy, but we're sure as sugar gonna find out. Now cheer up, we have a mystery to solve!"
Pinkie donned her detective hat.
"Pinkie."
"Yes Derpy?"
"Can I have a hat too?"
Joe's Donuts had closed early without notice, leaving customers disgruntled at the inconvenience. If you had asked one of them if anything interesting happened in their lives today, they would tell you about the interesting conversation coming from inside Joe's Donuts. One purple-maned unicorn in particular would have some juicy gossip material to share with her friends.
Joe had completely sealed off his shop from prying eyes. He wouldn't allow anypony to get any funny ideas about stealing his new muffin now would he? As he sat in his shop, he thought about how his very own Doughnutopia had been ruined last year, forcing him to combine efforts with the Cakes, and that griffin. That wouldn't happen this year, however. No, he would rent a private chariot and several bodyguards if he had to to ensure that his new creation would be in mint condition for the judges. The question, however, was how he was going to use his newly acquired muffin in his creation. He couldn't make Doughnutopia again could he? He may lose points for originality as another pony had submitted a similar creation last year, although, not quite as splendid as his own. Hmm... what could he possibly create that would unite muffin and doughnut in beautiful harmony?
"Joeeeeeeey! Dinner's ready sweetie!" shouted Joe's mom from upstairs.
"Not now, mom! I'm thinking!" Joe yelled.
"The only thing you should be thinking about is getting me some grandfoals! Why I believe that thirty-five years is quite awhile to go without losing your virg—"
"MOOOOOOM!"
"Alright alright I'll stop. But don't think I'm going to let you off the hook! Why when I was your age I was quite the mare. I swear I had at least five stallions after me until your father came along. "
Joe seethed in embarrassment. Well at least nopony could hear their conversation... right? Out of curiosity, Joe decided to pull back the curtains covering the window.
"R-Rarity!?" Joe gasped.
"Ah!" cried Rarity.
Joe violently pulled back the curtains, leaving a tomato-faced Rarity behind. "If it makes you feel any better, I think you'd look dashing in a tuxedo!" she called.
Joe stormed into the basement with his muffin, slamming the door behind him. He was interrupted from his thoughts by a low rumble from his stomach. He didn't feel like going back upstairs to grab a doughnut. In doing so, he would risk further embarrassment from his mother. Joe turned his attention to the muffin at his side. Perhaps a little bite wouldn't hurt. After all, he should probably know what it tastes like so he could properly compliment its flavors in his dish. Joe grabbed the muffin and slowly brought it to his face. At the last possible moment, he hesitated, and set the muffin back down. It felt wrong to defile such a work of art with his saliva. It had already been bitten a few times, but Joe didn't want to unnecessarily ruin it any further.
"Wait a minute, why am I worshipping a muffin?"
Joe made up his mind to take a small bite of the muffin, both to quell his hunger a bit, and to know what it tasted like. Once he had a general idea of its flavor, he could attempt to recreate it using his own expertise. Then again, could such beauty ever be recreated? Surely, a muffin this incredible must be ambrosia, sent forth from Celestia herself into the world. Joe ever so slowly brought the muffin to his lips and took a microscopic bite.
"I came!" shouted Joe. "This muffin was to be the most positively scrumptious thing I've ever eaten in my entire life! I must know how to make this for myself."
Joe carefully examined the muffin. Although it had clearly been bitten several times, it was a thing of beauty. He grabbed a notepad and quickly began to jot down notes for future reference. He noted details such as the fluffy texture, vanilla and chocolate frosting and the wide array of fillings.
"I could use this to make a new doughnut!"
Of course! Why hadn't he thought of it before? Rather than having to combine the muffin with his doughnuts, he could simply recreate a doughnut with the muffin's exact properties. After all, his name was Doughnut Joe and not Muffin Joe.
"I must get started at once!"
Joe began trotting back to upstairs so he could begin to gather the necessary ingredients. As his hoof reached for the doorknob his vision began to get blurry.
"Whoa, what's going on?"
Joe's pupils began to dilate, the muffin was slowly taking over.
"M... m... muffins."
Joe snorted and violently shook his head in an effort to clear his head.
"N-no... I like doughnuts more than muffins.
The muffin retaliated against Joe, it would not surrender so easily.
"Muffins."
Joe grunted and stamped his hooves against the floor. He wouldn't give up so easily either.
"Doughnuts."
"Muffins."
"Doughnuts."
"Muffins!"
"Doughnuts!"
Once the muffin had taken over, Joe felt the strange urge to change his name from Doughnut Joe to Muffin Joe, as well as make some changes to his store's inventory. Previous thought about the baker's competition were erased from his mind as one sole thought took over.
"Alright my lowly assistant, what do you think we should do first when investigating a crime?"
"Hmm......." thought Derpy.
"Well?"
"Oh! I know! We should get some snacks so that we don't starve to death during our investigation."
"Exactly!" confirmed Pinkie with a puff of her pipe. "Which is why I brought some emergency cupcakes and muffins for us, just in case."
Pinkie scrounged around in her mane a bit, searching for her muffin supply. "Now where did I put them? Nope, not there. Whoa, definitely not there. Oh hey! I've been looking everywhere for this!" Pinkie laughed as she pulled out a rubber chicken. "How did you get in here? Ok, I found it. Chocolate or vanilla?"
"Vanilla please."
Pinkie handed Derpy a tasty vanilla muffin, full of carbohydrates. Guaranteed to keep you energized while you solve crime!
"Brilliant thinking, Pinkie!" complimented Derpy with a mouthful of muffin.
"Thanks!" replied Pinkie with a mouthful of cupcake. "Alright, what should we do next my lowly assistant?"
"I dunno, you're the expert."
"Guilty as charged," Pinkie bragged, "Well, if I learned anything from Twilight, the next thing we should do is look for clues."
"That sounds like fun!"
"It sure is, Derpy," Pinkie agreed, "Although, it's probably not as fun as baking apple fritters with Applejack, or helping Twilight with her experiments, or watching Rainbow Dash perform a new trick, or critiquing Rarity's dresses, or helping Fluttershy care for her animals, or—"
"Or eating muffins!" interrupted Derpy.
"Right! Anyway, we're getting off topic here." Pinkie took a moment to compose herself. This was a serious matter after all. "Alright Derpy, listen up! We'll spread out and take turns searching every room to maximize our chances of finding good evidence. Leave no inch unexamined. After all, Muffin is counting on us."
Pinkie drove her point home with an extra long blow on her pipe. "Am I understood?"
"Yes!"
"Good! Now let's find some evidence."
"Uhh... Pinkie?"
"Yes my lowly assistant?"
"What is evidence?"
Aside from the occasional villainous attempt to overthrow Celestia or bring about eternal chaos, not much happened in Ponyville on a daily basis. Any grand opening of a shop would not go unnoticed by anypony, which is why one shop in particular had a generous helping of customers today.
It was the grand opening, or shall we say renaming, Of Joe's Doughnuts into Joe's Muffins. How exciting!
Joe's Doughnuts was quite the popular bakery. It was the go-to place for, well, doughnuts. It also didn't hurt that the doughnuts were pretty delicious. Once Doughnut Joe's shop had been renovated, the residents of Ponyville were eager to see what new tricks Joe had up his sleeve, and boy did he have some tricks up his sleeve. Already being a jack of the baking trade, Joe took to muffins like a duck to water. However, quite a bit of his new-found knowledge had been gifted to him by none other than Muffin. Once Joe's mind had surrendered, his brain was overloaded with all things muffin.
Rarity, still feeling ashamed from her earlier mishap, decided to see how Joe's new store was doing, as well as apologize. She entered the shop, and immediately noticed the incredible muffin which was on display by the register. It would without a doubt attract more customers. If one were to look carefully though, they would notice several bite marks disturbing the otherwise perfect image. One or two in particular looked recent. After waiting in line for a few minutes, she finally made it to the register. Instead of being greeted by Joe though, she was greeted by someone else.
"Hello and welcome to Joe's Muffins. How can I help you?" asked a middle-aged mare.
"Good day, miss. I was actually wondering if I could speak with Joe, if that's alright." replied Rarity.
"Really? My my, such a fine young lady wishes to have a chat with my little Joey! How exciting! Come on then, follow me."
"Thank you miss."
"Honey! Could you mind the register for me? Our son has a special visitor," shouted the mare.
"A visitor you say? Well well, it's about time!" replied the mare's husband as he took over the register. "May I have the next in line please?"
Rarity was led into the rear section of the shop. This was were the magic happened. Feverishly slaving away over several high quality baking ovens, was none other than Joe. He appeared to be in quite the disarray. His mane looked like a mini tornado had hit it and one of his pupils was larger than the other. He was covered in sugar, batter, sprinkles and other random ingredients. Several muffins were strewn about the floor for no apparent reason whatsoever.
Joe's mother quickly trotted over to him and did her best to make him a bit more presentable for the nice young mare. There wasn't much she could do though, aside from straighten his mane a bit.
"I'll just leave you two... alone for a bit."
"Wow, she really is desperate isn't she?" thought Rarity. "This will make for excellent gossip material later on."
"Hello, Joe."
"Hi muffin," replied Joe.
"I just came to say that I... wait... did you just call me mufffin?"
"Yes muffin," confirmed Joe.
"Well, I am flattered, but I regret to inform you that I do not return your feelings."
"Muffin."
"I'm sorry Joe, but you can't just force love upon somepony," explained Rarity. "Love needs time to grow and develop."
"Muffins," agreed Joe.
"Exactly, Joe, it's like a muffin! You can't just make a muffin appear out of nowhere, you need to mix the batter, add the ingredients, etcetera. Anyway, I didn't come to talk about making muffins. I came to apologize for my eavesdropping on you earlier. It was quite unbecoming of a lady such as myself. I do hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me," whimpered Rarity.
Joe looked at Rarity's innocent pout and quivering eyes. How could he refuse?
"Muffins."
Once hearing that Joe had forgiven her, Rarity trotted up to Joe and gave him a quick hug.
"Thanks for being so forgiving Joe. You are quite the gentlestallion."
"Muffins muffins muffins."
"Yes, that. Anyway I'll be going now. Bye Joe!"
"Muffins!"
Rarity exited the room, and after buying herself a muffin, began making her way for the door. As she was about to reach for the doorknob, she was interrupted by the same mare from before.
"So... when am I gonna get some grandfoals?" she chuckled. It was quite obvious that she was nervous due to her sweating and odd breathing patterns.
"No no no. Our relationship is nothing like that ma'am. Now if you'll excuse me I must be going now."
Rarity left the building, leaving a disappointed mare behind.
"There goes another one," she muttered.
"Alright Derpy, what have you got so far?" asked Pinkie.
"Well, I found this old toothbrush behind a wardrobe. Does that help?"
"No, Derpy. We are supposed to be looking for things that are related to the crime. Things like hoofprints and hairs lying around are what we should be keeping an eye out for."
"Well, in that case, I did find some weird stuff by the window over there."
"Really? Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy! This is sooo exciting! Well what are you waiting for Derpy? Show me show me show me!"
Pinkie bounced behind Derpy as she was led to the window near the cardboard chandelier.
"Alright my lowly assistant, this may very well be the scene of the crime. Look for anything that might be labelled as suspicious."
"Yes ma'am!" saluted Derpy.
After ten minutes of sweeping the crime scene. Both Derpy and Pinkie had discovered a few clues. Pinkie had found a few crumbs on the floor which hadn't come from either her nor Derpy. She collected them in a small plastic bag and labelled it as evidence A. Derpy had found a brown hair on the floor, once again not being from either of them. She collected it and labelled it as evidence B. Finally, the duo had both discovered a stick hidden from view. It was most likely brought in by the thief. Pinkie bagged it and labelled it evidence C.
"Alright Derpy, now we should examine this evidence to see if it gives us any suspects."
Both Pinkie and Derpy piled their evidence together and checked to see if it could link them to anypony. There wasn't much they could conclude from the crumbs, other than that the thief was probably hungry. As for the stick, there wasn't anything they could deduce. Maybe the thief had a strange obsession with sticks? The most promising piece of evidence was the hair which Derpy had found on the floor.
"Oh I have an idea!" exclaimed Derpy.
"Lay it on me Derpy."
"Maybe we can have Twilight examine the evidence for us!"
"Derpy that's a great idea! I'm sure Twilight could use some fancy magic to tell us everything we need to know! Good job my lowly assistant."
They two ponies made their way to Twilight's house. Derpy found her thoughts drifting to all the horrible things that could possibly happen to muffin. She steadied herself, though, telling herself, "Don't worry Muffin. Mommy's coming soon."
Twilight sat in her library, enjoying a peaceful meal with Spike. She quietly munched on some delicious chocolate waffles, while Spike gobbled down a bowl of Sapphire Flakes and slurped on a juice box.
Pinkie bounce-slammed through the front door while Derpy crashed in through a window. The duo effectively shattered the peaceful atmosphere which had filled the library.
Spike muttered under his breath while he went to fetch a broom. Twilight took several deep breaths and managed to form a crooked smile.
"Hi guys! What can I do for you?" she asked.
"Hi Twilight!" said Derpy. "Pinkie and I have some evidence which we would like you to examine!"
"Evidence? What have you two been up to lately?"
"We've been investigating a crime!" Pinkie added in.
"A crime? There hasn't been a crime in Equestria in over a millennium. Actually, maybe I should do some more research into that... Spike! Can you fetch me a book on the history of Equestria while you're fetching that broom! Anyway, what crime could you two possibly be investigating? The only thing you've ever investigated, Pinkie, was who took a bite of the cake during the National Dessert Competition, and I helped you out quite a bit."
"Well Twilight, Derpy's muffin was stolen a short while ago. Ever since then, the two of us have been searching for clues to help us find the culprit! Derpy and I have already found quite a bit of evidence! We came here hoping that you would be able to examine them for us using your magic. It would help us narrow our search."
"Well I have to say Pinkie, that actually sounds like a good idea," complimented Twilight.
"But of course! I am a master detective after all!"
"Hey, what about me?" whined Derpy.
"Ya ya, you helped too my lowly assistant," Pinkie admitted. "Alright, let's show her the goods Derpy."
Derpy reached into her saddlebags and retrieved the three bags containing evidence. She spat them out on the floor near Twilight's hooves.
"Well well, what have we here? A brown hair, some crumbs, and a stick. Well, the hair and the crumbs might have some promise, but a stick? Really guys?" deadpanned Twilight.
"Any evidence is good evidence during an investigation Twilight!" rebutted Pinkie.
"What she said!" agreed Derpy.
"Alright, I'll examine them and see what I can find out for you."
"Yay!" cheered Pinkie and Derpy.
Derpy and Pinkie watched in awe as a purple beam shot out of Twilight's horn. First, it went to the stick. The stick levitated in the air as it faintly glowed with a purple matching that of the beam. The beam continued to paint the stick in it's purple glow. Once the the spell was complete, the beam disappeared and the purple stick slowly reverted back to its original brown color.
"Well? What can you tell us Twilight?" Derpy impatiently asked.
"Honestly, not that much. Aside from basic structural information, the only odd thing I've found is that is has traces of magic lingering on it. That wouldn't be possible unless a unicorn had interacted with it somehow. Using this information, it wouldn't be unwise to believe that a unicorn could be caught in this mess."
"Wow that's incredible Twilight!" complimented Pinkie. "You were able to find all that out using just a simple spell. Now we can narrow our search down to unicorns with brown manes! We're getting so close I can just taste it!"
Pinkie reached into her mane and pulled out a cupcake, which she gobbled in one massive bite.
"Exactly Pinkie, by uncovering facts, you can narrow down your searches. I have to say, you weren't this clever during our last investigation. Have you been practicing?"
"You could say that," Pinkie smirked, "anyway, let's examine the crumbs next."
Twilight repeated her spell on the crumbs. Derpy and Pinkie were once again awe-struck by the spell's awesome powers of identification.
"It looks like these crumbs came from a baked good, like a muffin or a cupcake.
"So now we know that the thief is a unicorn with brown hair that likes baked goods," Derpy realized, "let's see what the hair can tell us."
Twilight charged up her spell a third time and casted it upon the small strand of brown hair. "Well, aside from the fact that this hair is well… brown, I think this hair came from a male, probably due to how filthy it is. It also has small traces of flour and sugar in it. Perhaps the owner of this hair is some kind of baker, like you, Pinkie."
"Well, we've analyzed all the evidence. Is the thief is a unicorn stallion with a brown mane who likes to bake?" inquired Pinkie.
"Who do we know that fits that description?" pondered Derpy. "You should know, Pinkie. After all, you do know everybody in Ponyville."
"Yup! It's true! I can name them all right now! There's Fluttershy, Rarity, Applejack, Twilight, Dashie, Big Mac, Daisy, Ros—"
"No, Pinkie," Twilight cut in.
"Oh right, these cupcakes must be making me extra hyper! Alright, who do I know that is a unicorn stallion that likes to bake doughnuts."
After a few seconds, all three mares came upon a sudden conclusion. "Doughnut Joe!" they simultaneously exclaimed.
The morning breakfast rush had died down, leaving Joe's Muffins empty, albeit not entirely. Bon Bon and Lyra occupied one table, chatting with each other while munching on some fudge muffins.
"Isn't it a peaceful morning?" Lyra asked, attempting to make casual conversation.
"It sure is. Don't jinx us though! Next thing you know, something crazy just happens outta nowhere! That's Ponyville for ya," Bon Bon replied.
As the two chatted, Pinkie Pie and Derpy Hooves slowly approached the shop. They noticed that the name of the bakery had been changed.
"Why would Joe just change the name of his bakery like that?" Derpy asked.
"No idea," Pinkie answered, "But I'll bet he's up to no good. He probably has Muffin hidden under a truckload of other muffins! That way we might not be able to find him!"
"He must've changed the store's name to hide his clever little ruse!" deduced Derpy.
"I say, he's quite the devious little scoundrel," commented Pinkie, puffing on her pipe.
Once the two reached the front door, they began planning their approach.
"Alright Derpy, here's what we're gonna do," Pinkoe began. "We're gonna sneak around until we find Muffin, and then snatch him! Or, we find Joe, or one of his agents, and demand that they give you your muffin back!"
"Ya!" cheered Derpy.
"Okie dokie lokie... here goes nothing."
Pinkie slowly pushed open the front door, ringing the bell to announce someone's entrance. Once inside, both Pinkie and Derpy searched frantically for cover. Pinkie cartwheeled to the nearby table which Lyra and Bon Bon where using, overturned it and hide behind it. Derpy barrel rolled into a wall, leaving a small hole. Afterwards she hid behind a chair.
"See? What did I tell ya?" Bon Bon groaned.
"Oh cheer up Bonnie, we'll just grab another table."
The two moved for another table and took their seats, continuing their delicious muffins. To their astonishment their table was flipped once again, this time by Derpy. As the table flipped the two muffins were thrown against the floor, leaving a fudge smudge.
Derpy's eyes darted towards the two neglected muffins. "Are you gonna eat those?"
Bon Bon let out a long, angry sigh while Lyra fought to control her laughter. "Go ahead and take them Derpy," she managed to say.
Not one to refuse a muffin offer, Derpy vacuumed the two muffins up before returning to stealth mode. The mare behind the cashier, watched in shock and awe at the scene unfolding before her.
"You!" Derpy shouted suddenly towards the mare.
"Wha-me?"
"Ya you!" confirmed Pinkie, jumping on top of the counter. "I know who you're working for!"
"Well of course you do, I'm an employee here."
"Don't play smart with me, missy!" Pinkie replied as she fixed the mare with a one-eyed stare. The mare in question shrank back at the sight of Pinkie's quivering eyeball.
"Alright Missy, since you're such a know it all, how about you tell us where you're hiding Muffin!" exclaimed Derpy.
"What? This whole store is full of muffins! What could we possibly be hiding!?"
"Quit dodging the question!" stamped Pinkie. "Where is it!? Where is it!? You'd never give it to an ordinary pony!"
"Where is it? Where is it?" Derpy screamed.
"Ahhhh!" cried the mare as she fled the store in a panic. Lyra, Bon Bon, and every other customer followed suit.
"Hmm..." thought Pinkie, "Perhaps she didn't know after all."
"Someone else is coming, Pinkie," Derpy alerted her.
"What's all the ruckus down here?" asked a middle-aged stallion as he descended the stairs.
"You!" Pinkie pointed an accusing hoof. "Tell us where Muffin is, or else!"
"Hmm... do you mean that spectacular muffin which my son was carrying? I must admit, it is quite the eye-catcher. Too bad I'm married though!" he joked. "Speaking of which, where's my wife?"
"Oh, do you mean the mare who was at the register?" The stallion nodded in confirmation. "She ran away after we yelled at her and accused her of theft," answered Derpy, matter-of-factly.
"What?" asked the stallion in disbelief. Upon hearing a cry from his wife, he promptly ran out the store.
"Well, know that they're gone, why don't we do some more snooping?" suggested Derpy.
"Good idea, my lowly assistant." Pinkie adjusted her hat, puffed her pipe and continued her examination of the area.
Neither Pinkie nor Derpy saw hide or crumb of Muffin after ten minutes of searching.
"Darn it!" shouted Pinkie, "There must be something that we're missing!"
"Maybe we should search the entire building rather than just the front room?" suggested Derpy.
The two headed into the rear section of the store, the kitchen. They were interrupted from their search upon hearing noise from upstairs.
"Is that... smooth jazz I hear?" asked Pinkie.
Forgetting the kitchen, Derpy and Pinkie ever so quietly ascended the stairs and followed the trail of music. They soon found their path blocked by a door.
"Allow me, Derpy," said Pinkie, who reached into her mane and pulled out lock picking tools.
"Where did you get those, Pinkie?"
"I'm afraid that's classified."
Within a few minutes, the lock clicked and the door opened.
"Ha! That's a new record!" boasted Pinkie.
With the door fully opened, the smooth, seductive symphony of a saxophone filled the air. The duo did a double take at the sight before them. They had walked right into the master bedroom!
Derpy's eyes straightened for a split second as she saw one object.
"Muff—"
"Shhh!" scolded Pinkie as she restrained a flailing Derpy, "you're gonna give away our position!"
Muffin was there right before them, seated at a romantically lit table at the far end of the room. A chair was pulled back, waiting for a pony to place their rump on it. A private bathroom connected to the bedroom at the opposite end of the room. From behind it, the sounds of running water and terrible singing could be heard.
Pinkie took in the scene before her and pieced together what she could.
"Is this supposed to be date? Who dates a Muffin? Well, I'd date a cupcake. But that's besides the point!"
"I think the thief is behind that door," Pinkie deduced, "Should we confront him or should we grab Muffin and leave the building?"
"Muffin is right there! I need to rescue him right now!" Derpy whined as she stamped in place.
She was about to fly in and grab Muffin but was halted by Pinkie.
"No, wait," Pinkie said, blocking the doorway with a hoof, "I doubt that our thief would leave Muffin in such a vulnerable position." Scrounging around in her mane for a bit, Pinkie pulled out a can of aerosol. "Let's just make sure we don't walk into a trap."
Pinkie sprayed the aerosol back and forth across the room. Once a sufficient amount had been sprayed, she placed the can back in her mane.
"Wait for it," Pinkie smiled a knowing smile.
Derpy gasped as the room suddenly changed from a cozy bedroom, to a disco. Red lasers were strategically placed throughout the room, weaving a pattern of instant doom for anyone so foolish to enter.
"Allow me, Derpy."
With the skill of a gold medal gymnast, Pinkie danced, bounced and contorted her way through the lasers. Derpy found herself wondering whether or not Pinkie had any bones in her pink body. Perhaps she was made of helium?
Once she'd manuevered her way through the laser maze, Pinkie found herself near a switch. Upon flipping it, the lasers were deactivated allowing for Derpy's entrance.
"Wow Pinkie, that was so cool! You were look this and then you were like that! And how did you twist your neck around like that?" praised Derpy, as she did her best impression of a soggy, wet noodle.
"It's all in the technique," Pinkie bragged, adjusting her detective hat, "now let's get a move on."
The duo snailed their way towards Muffin. The slightest noise could alert the thief in the bathroom, compromising the mission. Although, on the plus side, it would interrupt his awful singing.
Pinkie jolted in response to an abrupt bang. She turned her head to find that Derpy had somehow managed to force her rump through the floorboards. As a result, she was left hanging in place.
"My bad!"
"Oh crud! This isn't good," Pinkie panicked, "let's get you out of there quickly, Derpy."
Pinkie tugged at Derpy while Derpy flapped her wings. The combined effort was a bit too much though. When Derpy suddenly popped out, the sudden shift left Pinkie off balance. She tumbled backwards, slamming right into the private bathroom door. Luckily, it held. However, that did not stop the stallion inside from noticing the huge bang.
"Muffin? Muffin is okay?" the stallion could be heard turning off the water, most likely getting ready to step out.
"Aww crumbs! Quick Derpy, we gotta hide!"
The two ponies scattered in pursuit of a quick hiding place. Pinkie slid under the huge bed while Derpy flew up and laid herself flat the ceiling. They watched and waited as the door slowly slide open, revealing Joe.
"Muffin?" he called out, worry etched on his face. After looking around for a bit, Joe found Muffin exactly where he'd left it. He trotted up to Muffin and gave it a playful nibble.
"Mmm… Muffin" he whispered in a sultry, half-lidded gaze.
"Eww!"
"What? Who there!?" demanded Joe, ears perked. He began pacing around the room, searching for any hidden ponies. He lifted plant pots, opened wardrobes and checked behind curtains. After a few minutes of searching, he'd exhausted every hiding spot, except for one.
Underneath the bed.
Joe deliberately sauntered over to the bed. His mouth twisted into a victory grin as he slowly bent over, ready to bust any intruders.
"Muffins!!" he exclaimed at the top of his lungs.
There was nothing there.
"Hmm?" grumbled Joe as he stuck his head in even further. Upon further examination, he could confirm that there really was no one there.
Joe shrugged his shoulders and returned to the bathroom. He had a hot date date to prepare for, only the best was acceptable for Muffin after all. Once he'd closed the door, the two mares emerged from their hiding places. Derpy flew down from the ceiling while Pinkie released the breath she'd been holding, causing her to deflate and sink back down from the spongy mattress and onto the floor.
"That was waaay too close," Pinkie sighed, wiping the sweat from her brow. "Let's grab Muffin and leave while we have the chance. We can confront Joe about this whole mess later."
"Good idea, Pinkie," Derpy readily agreed, eager to leave the building at the earliest convenience.
Derpy trotted back to the table. In one swift motion, she swept Muffin up into a loving hug and gave him a big kiss.
"Oh Muffin I missed you so much! Don't worry, it's all over! You're coming home with me now. Mommy's here, mommy's here."
"Uh oh, it looks like Joe might have taken a few bites," Pinkie observed.
Derpy took a moment to carefully examine Muffin. Pinkie was right, from its original watermelon size, Muffin had shrunken by about a half. Not good.
"Don't worry Muffin, I'll make sure no bad guys ever steal you again," comforted Derpy as she slowly stroked Muffin's top.
"Come on Derpy, let's get outta here."
The two quickly made their way for the exit.
The two mares gasped as the exit door swung shut, leaving them trapped inside with the thief. The only other exit was through the bathroom's window, where Joe was.
"Quick! The door!" Pinkie exclaimed.
Derpy flew into action, slamming into the door in a desperate attempt to open it. To her despair, it didn't move an inch.
"Open Sesame!" Derpy stuck out her hooves as a magician would when casting a spell.
Pinkie took over, trying her best to pick the lock as quickly as possible.
"Got it!" Pinkie rejoiced as she heard the lock click. She bucked it with her hind hooves, producing a similar result to Derpy's attempts. "It's been barricaded!"
"Let's go through the hole I made," Derpy suggested as she trotted over to it and tried to squirm through. Unfortunately, she couldn't fit her head through the hole.
"Quick! We need to hide again," Pinkie stressed as she made a beeline for underneath the bed.
"Not fast!"
Both mares froze in place as the voice of a stallion reached their ears.
Tension filled the large bedroom in which three ponies stood. The stallion of the three, blocked exit with his massive frame, an angry scowl plastered across his usually friendly muzzle. The pink mare stood poised in a fighting stance with her front hooves in the air, ready to bounce into action at the first signs of trouble. The grey mare firmly cradled a muffin to her chest.
"Shh, it's alright Muffin. Mommy is here now," she whispered.
The only sounds which served to break the tense atmosphere, were the drip-drip of a shower head, and the bubbling of Pinkie's pipe. Somepony was going to have to make the first move, but who?
"I say one more," Joe growled, "give Muffin here, or I take!"
"Muffin belongs to us!" Pinkie countered. "You have no right to keep him locked away from his rightful owner!"
As the two held a verbal sparring match, Derpy did some thinking. "When Twilight took a bite of Muffin, she went crazy! But only for a short while. She snapped out of it when I snatched Muffin from her. Same thing with the guard. He went crazy, but returned to normal after I took Muffin from him. Why isn't Joe returning to normal now that we've taken Muffin back?"
Derpy was interrupted from her thoughts by Joe's sudden outburst. "You take back now!"
"Only if you take back what you said about my mane," Pinkie snapped. "Don't insult my do, especially since I know kung-fu!"
"Have your way," Joe answered as he reached into his pocket. "Since you no give Muffin, I use... force!"
With practiced precision, Joe launched a fusillade of jelly muffins straight at Pinkie. She kart-wheeled to the right, narrowly dodging each one of them. They collided against the wall with a fruit-flavored splat.
"Ha! Is that the best you can do?" Pinkie mocked as she reached into her mane. "Two can play this game!"
Pinkie countered Joe's assault with a barrage of cupcakes. Joe made a mad dash for cover behind the table. He cried out in agony as one of the cupcakes struck him in the side. As he took cover, he checked his injuries.
"Ahh it burns! What you put in this!?" he hissed.
Pinkie playfully smirked. "Raisins!"
Joe's spine tingled in fear. This would be a risky battle.
"Just let us go, Joe!" Derpy pleaded. "No pony needs to be hurt today!"
"Never!" protested Joe.
"Fine! Have it your way!" Derpy answered. "Either way, we're leaving with Muffin!"
Joe was fuming at this point. Who did they think they were? No one threatens his muffin and gets away with it!
"Take this!" shouted Joe, as he blindly threw a spinach muffin over the table. Luck was on his side; the muffin struck Pinkie square in the chest.
"I'm hit! I'm hit!" she cried, falling onto the wooden floor, "Leafy green vegetables! It burns!"
Derpy tied Muffin to her head with a string and sprung into action.
"We need to get to cover, Pinkie!" Derpy said as she dragged the nearby wardrobe over, shielding herself and Pinkie before Joe had a chance to attack again.
"Quick.. get the first aid kit from... my mane," wheezed Pinkie.
Derpy gave a sharp salute as she dove into Pinkie's mane. She retrieved the first aid kit, opened it and grabbed the sugar pack. Derpy carefully poured the sugar over the area where the vegetable muffin had struck Pinkie.
"Ahh... much better. Thank you my lowly assistant."
"You're welcome Pinkie, but how are we gonna get outta here?"
"We need to subdue Joe somehow. Those muffins he has are dangerous stuff! Once we beat him, he'll most likely have something to override the locked door."
The two mares were interrupted when another muffin landed between them. This one was a sickly green and had a fuse attached to it.
"Asparagus muffin!" shouted Pinkie.
With little time to spare, the duo vaulted over the table, escaping the nutrient rich asparagus bomb. However, this left them vulnerable to Joe. He had taken the opportunity to plan out his attack, and now had them right where he wanted them.
"Didn't mother tell eat vegetables!?" Joe maniacally laughed as he launched a hail of vegetable muffins at the two mares.
"Evasive maneuvers!"
The two weaved their way through the incoming baked goods of doom. Pinkie tore the nearby curtains and shielded herself and Derpy with it.
"Return fire!" Pinkie yelled.
Both Pinkie and Derpy launched a counterattack. Pinkie threw her ever so deadly raisin muffins while Derpy tossed her home-made macaroni muffins.
The mares slowly gained ground, Joe floated the couch with him as he fell back. Soon, he was cornered, as well as out of ammo. A stray macaroni muffin found itself on Joe's face.
"Oh the agony!" he screamed, desperately trying to scrape the muffin off of his face. Injured, exhausted and all out of ammo. Joe pondered his next course of action.
There was only one sensible thing left to do...
"You'll never take me alive!" Joe yelled as he dashed towards Derpy, intent on grabbing Muffin. Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice the rump-shaped hole in the floor.
Joe's hoof struck the hole, causing him to stumble and plummet forward. His horn got caught in the floorboards, leaving him in a questionable position. Pinkie took the new found opportunity to grab the door's key from Joe's pocket. He growled and wildly flailed his hooves in protest.
"Well, I think this mystery has been solved!" Pinkie bragged, puffing on her pipe.
"No! Give muffin! Mine!" Joe protested.
"Pinkie," Derpy sighed, "I think that Muffin made Joe turn crazy. He hasn't returned to normal even though we've taken Muffin back."
"Well. that would explain his funny way of talking."
"Pinkie, why does everyone go crazy whenever they bite Muffin?" Derpy asked as she gazed at Muffin.
"I guess you should know since he is yours. Derpy, I put a very special ingredient into Muffin. It's an ingredient so delicious, so delectable, so positively scrumptious, that only a few ponies are able to withstand it's flavor assault."
"Wouldn't that be kind of dangerous?"
"Yes, it might be. That's why I asked you to not share Muffin. I also didn't expect you to decide to keep him forever. But that's okay if you want to. Personally, I like seeing Muffin everyday. However, if you're going to keep Muffin for a long time, it's best that you keep him closely guarded. Look at what Muffin has done to Joe! He's taken too many bites and now he's gone super crazy!"
Pinkie and Derpy took a glance at Joe, who was feverishly working to dislodge his horn.
"Me no crazy! Me is okay!" he argued, spittle flying from his mouth.
"Maybe we should take Joe to a specialist?" Derpy suggested.
"We should take him to Twilight. She's positively the smartest pony ever! She'll have Joe back to normal before you can say chimicherrychanga!"
"Chimicherrychanga! Now me is normal, you give Muffin now!"
"Your twisted logic won't work on us!" Derpy proclaimed.
"But, one question remains..." Pinkie realized.
"What is it?"
"How are we going to carry him?"
"Mmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmmmm!"
"Oh would you calm down?" Derpy pleaded.
"Mmm mmm!" Joe mumbled through his gag as he tried to undo his bindings. His efforts proved fruitless, however, he was completely at the mercy of his captors.
"Don't worry, Joe, we'll have you right as rain in no time at all!" Pinkie chimed, doing her best to calm Joe down.
"He better get back to normal soon," Derpy added as she stroked Muffin, "I don't want him sneaking into my house again anytime soon."
"How are you managing back there, Big Mac?" asked Pinkie. "Can you go on for just a teensy weensy bit longer?"
"Eeyup!" Big Mac managed to choke out as he struggled to carry Joe on his back.
"Are you sure? It looks like you're having a hard time." Derpy observed.
"He ain't exactly... the lightest of stallions," Big Mac replied, earning a snort from Joe
"We're almost at the library," Pinkie pointed out.
As the group made their way towards the library, ponies couldn't help but stare. It wasn't everyday that you saw such an odd sight. Why in the world was Joe tied up and being carried around like an infant? Why did Derpy have a half eaten muffin tied to her head? Why was Pinkie wearing a detective hat?
All of a sudden, Big Mac collapsed, sending Joe face first into the dirt road. "Boy really needs to lay off those doughnuts," he panted.
"Mmmmmph!" Joe groaned in pain.
With the help of both Pinkie and Derpy, Big Mac managed to replace Joe on his back and continue the trek to the library.
"Almost there!"
Pinkie bounce-slammed through the library's front door, opening it for Derpy and Big Mac. Big Mac made a beeline for the nearest surface to dump Joe upon.
He grunted as he allowed Joe to slid off of his back and into the nearby couch which creaked in protest to the sudden weight.
"Eeeyup..." he sighed in relief.
The sound of hoof steps from upstairs caught everyone's attention. "Pinkie, you do know that the door has a knob, right?" Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow. "Why don't you try using it sometime?"
"But bouncing through is soooo much fun!" Pinkie replied.
"As well as crashing through the window!" Derpy added.
"I see. Well, what can I do for you guys? And why is Big Mac here?"
"He helped us carry Joe over here," Derpy clarified, "he was too heavy for us to carry by ourselves after we caught him."
"Come again?" Twilight asked. "You two caught Joe?"
"We sure did Twilight!" said Pinkie. "We even managed to get Muffin back!"
Derpy pointed to Muffin, sitting comfortably atop her head.
"It was a risky battle, but we triumphed in the end," Pinkie declared, striking a victory pose with Derpy.
Big Mac interrupted with a cough.
"Oh that's right!" Pinkie suddenly remembered. She fished around in her mane for a few second before pulling out an apple cupcake. "It's all yours, big guy! Thanks for your help."
"Thank ya kindly, Miss Pinkie," he managed to say whilst holding the cupcake in his mouth. He exited the library, leaving the three mares and an unhappy stallion behind.
Usually, Joe would be delighted to find himself tied up, gagged and all alone in the presence of three beautiful mares. Then again, Joe wasn't in his right mind. His horn lit up as he secretly worked to undo his restraints.
"So, you've caught Joe and gotten your muffin back," Twilight observed. "What made you decide to bring him to my library rather than the guards?"
"Joe's gone cuckoo for muffins!" answered Derpy.
"What do you mean by... cuckoo for muffins?" Twilight asked, face scrunching up in curiosity.
"Maybe you should took a look for yourself, Twilight," Pinkie replied.
The trio trotted over to the couch where Big Mac had deposited Joe.
"Where is he?"
"I could've sworn that Big Mac left him right here," Pinkie said.
In a flash, Joe pounced from behind the couch, intent on snatching Muffin from Derpy.
"Muffin!" he shouted, his battle cry echoing throughout the library.
With lightning quick reflexes, Twilight zapped Joe with her magic. He instantly fell asleep, face slamming into the wooden floor.
"Ok," Twilight panted from the sudden exertion, "I can see your point."
"So, Twilight, could you take a look at Joe for us? Maybe you can fix him with your magic?" Derpy pleaded. "I don't want him coming after me again anytime soon. Muffin's going to need some time to readjust after being kidnapped for so long."
"Alright, I'll take a look at him. I'll need to get a few things first though, could you two get Joe on the couch while I go upstairs real quick?
"Okey dokey lokey!"
Twilight trotted upstairs, leaving the two mares temporarily. They both glanced at Joe's unconscious form.
"So," Derpy began, prodding Joe with a hoof, "how are we going to move him exactly?"
"I'll grab one end, you grab the other," Pinkie instructed.
Both mares took their positions. On the count of three they lifted with all their might. Unfortunately for them, Joe didn't even budge.
"How in the world did Big Mac even manage to carry him?" Derpy panted.
Twilight levitated with her a notepad and a quill, ready to jot down notes. Her mane was tied into a bun and a pair of glasses were perched upon her muzzle, giving her a very professional look. She noticed that poor Joe was still laying upon the hard wood floor.
"Couldn't move him?" she asked.
"He's too heavy!" Pinkie whined.
Twilight placed her materials on the table. Focusing her magic, she attempted to levitate Joe into the air and on the couch.
She couldn't move him.
"Wha... wha... what?" Twilight huffed. "He's the heaviest thing in the world! I'm surprised Big Mac even managed to lift him in the first place!"
"So what now?" Derpy inquired.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to examine him while he's knocked out on the floor! Simple as that."
"Poor Joe," Pinkie sighed.
"I'm going to be performing several examinations which may take awhile. Perhaps you two should leave and come back later?"
"I'll stay," Derpy answered, voice taking on a sad tone, "I feel like this was sorta my fault you know, since I was the one who let him get Muffin in the first place."
A tear threatened to roll down from Derpy's eye. Pinkie took notice and immediately gave it a death glare, causing it to shrivel into nonexistence. "No it's not Derpy," she declared. "Joe was the one who got greedy and snatched Muffin in the first place. If he wasn't such a meanie pants, none of these would have happened!"
"She's right, Derpy. This isn't your fault in the slightest. Dont feel so negative."
Derpy smiled. "Ok, I feel better now. Thanks guys."
"Hey! That's what friends are for silly!" Pinkie giggled. "Hey, I have an idea!"
"And what would that be, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
"Group hug!"
Pinkie's hooves stretched out to a physically impossible degree, grabbing both Derpy and Twilight and pulling them into a fierce hug. Both victims laughed and warmly returned the gesture.
"Alright, I need to go now. The Cakes are gonna need my help to tidy up the store later. Be sure to let me know how Joe's doing!"
"Gotcha!" Derpy responded.
"See ya later Pinkie!" Twilight smiled.
Pinkie bounced her way to the exit, but not before spinning around in mid air to make one final statement.
"I, Master Detective Pinkie Pie, officially announce this case closed! Also, I hereby promote Derpy Hooves to assistant, which is one rank higher than lowly assistant."
On that note, Pinkie removed her hat and stashed it into her mane, bouncing out of the store. "Oh boy I've always wanted to say that!" she exclaimed as she faded into the distance.
"She sure is something isn't she?" Twilight laughed. "So, are you going to stay here and watch?"
"Yeah, I'll stay."
"Yes!" Twilight cheered. "I've always wanted to have an audience while I perform my tests. Usually Spike would keep me company, but he's off in the Crystal Empire with Cadence and Shining for a short while."
"I'll be happy to watch!" stated Derpy. "Let's get started!"
"Of course! Have a seat in the couch."
Twilight pulled up her own chair as she levitated the notepad and quill towards her. She readied her magic to perform a thorough psychiatric examination.
"Alright. I'm going to perform what's known as a—"
Derpy cuddled with Muffin as she slept, Twilight effectively boring her to sleep in ten seconds flat. All in all, it was a truly adorable sight. As Derpy snored, Twilight carried on, blissfully unaware of her dead audience as she recited facts about the pony's brain, and how it could be explored through the application of modern day magic and medicine.
Six hours later
"And we're done!" exclaimed Twilight. "How did you enjoy the live demonstration, Derpy?"
"Huh?" Derpy jolted awake, nose bubble popping. "It... was great! Awesome!"
"That's a relief," Twilight sighed, "I was hoping that I didn't bore you to sleep."
"Nope, not at all!" Derpy assured her. "So, how's Joe doing?"
"Based off of my examinations of Joe's psyche, he appears to be in some sort of trance. I'm not sure what may have caused this condition. If I were to guess, I would say it was caused by some sort of ingredient or chemical."
"You're right about that," Derpy confirmed, "Joe went crazy because he took a bite of Muffin here."
Derpy handed Muffin over to Twilight so she could take a look at it.
"Say, this is the same muffin I bit earlier, isn't it?"
"It is. You too went crazy after you bit it, but you went back to normal after I took Muffin from you."
"So, that's what happened to me on that day," Twilight realized. She gazed at the half-eaten muffin in her hoof. "Derpy, you really should be careful with this thing you know. I now know what Pinkie put in it, despite my warning her against using it. If I were you, I'd eat this thing before it caused more damage. In fact, I don't see why I shouldn't get rid of it right now."
"No!" Derpy yelled, snatching Muffin back from Twilight's hooves. "Don't worry Twilight, Muffin here isn't leaving my side ever again."
"I hope so. Anyway, let's get back to talking about Joe. He'll need some time to return to normal. Overexposure to the ingredient has boggled his mind a bit. I'd say that Joe's taken about three or four bites of the muffin based on the amount of the ingredient present in his bloodstream."
Derpy gasped, "Three or four whole bites!? That's awful!" She gave Muffin a comforting kiss in an effort to ease his pain.
"I'm afraid so Derpy," Twilight acknowledged. "Joe will be fine in about a week as long as he isn't exposed to the ingredient again. Hopefully he'll be able to get back to work soon, I sure do miss his doughnuts!" Twilight smacked her lips in her approval.
"It's too bad this all even happened in the first place," Derpy fretted. She trotted over to Joe and poked him with a hoof. "Why'd you have to be so greedy? Huh?" she teased.
"I'm sure he's learned his lesson Derpy."
"It's getting late," Derpy pointed out, "what are we going to do with Joe?"
"You should report this to the guards. Hopefully they'll be able to carry him to the hospital where he can recover."
"No! Muffins good! Hospital bad" Joe blurted, suddenly awakening.
"Yup, you're definitely going to the hospital."
Derpy had reported the incident to the guards, who were quite shocked to hear that a theft had occurred. Equestria was supposed to be peaceful after all. After Derpy had filled out some paperwork concerning the crime, Bronze Wing had been sent to retrieve Joe from the library and escort him to the hospital for recovery. He'd been unable to carry Joe and had to call for assistance. It had taken three additional guards to successfully restrain and carry Joe to the hospital. They dropped him off on the hospital bed which had been reserved for him.
Derpy had accompanied them all the way. She sat in the room with a tranquilized Joe.
"I hope you've learned you lesson Mr. Joe. Nobody messes with Muffin and I!" she boasted, waving Muffin in front of Joe's face to add insult to injury. Joe rolled his eyes in response. "You be good, once you're all better, maybe we can hang out sometime. I'll be sure to visit you often."
On that note, Derpy left the room with her beloved Muffin, who wouldn't be leaving her sight for a long time.
Joe watched in misery as the object of his affection was carried away.
"Me sorry," he managed to mumble through the numbness.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both sat at their thrones in the throne room, the methodical rustling of paper serving as background ambience. Their horns glowed with magic as they magically went through a pile of papers, detailing any incidents in the kingdom. It was their responsibility to know about any occurrences within Equestria.
"Look sister," Luna said, reading a paper, "there has been a dance off between the ponies and the buffalo in Appleoosa.
"How interesting," Celesita quipped.
"Why must thou be so, dear sister? Tis a good thing that our kingdom is so peaceful! Things were much, much worse in the previous millennium."
"They were, which is why things weren't so boring," Celestia sighed and brushed her mane out of her face, "I think I can see why Discord wanted to cause a bit of chaos in this dull place."
"Point taken," acknowledged Luna.
"Hmm, what's this?" Celestia asked, her interest piqued by the text on the paper. "There's been a theft in Ponyville? Why it's been years since the last theft! Finally a little bit of mischief!"
"Don't become so excited sister, tis merely a petty theft, nothing special."
"I know, I know. At least now I have an excuse to visit Twilight and her friends for a short while, escape this cumbersome work. I'll go there, teach the criminal a lesson, visit Twilight quick, then return to the castle."
"Very well, sister. We shall hold down the fort in thine absence."
"Bwah!?" blurted the victim. "What was that for!?"
"You're not being paid to sleep at the desk, Strong Hoof. Now sit up straight and look lively."
"Alright, alright."
Strong Hoof sighed and rubbed the crust out of his tired eyes. He found his eyes subconsciously drifting towards the nearby clock. "Just two more hours to go till I can blow this popsicle stand. Who knew receptionist duty could be so boring?"
"Maybe this punishment will teach you to avoid skylarking during patrol," snapped Bronze Wing.
"But—"
"No buts about it. Now quit whining and start smiling."
Strong Hoof sighed, reaching for the nearby cup of coffee. A bit of caffeine was crucial for staying awake during the shifts, especially when you were the receptionist at a guard station. There were seldom any visitors in the ungodly hours of the morning, further adding to his boredom.
"Who commits a crime at seven in the morning?" he mused before sipping from his cup.
As he sipped, the door chime rang, signaling someone's entrance.
"Hello," greeted the pony with a benevolent tone.
Strong Hoof slowly lowered his mug to greet the new arrival, still drinking from his coffee.
"P-princess!? How can I—"
Strong Hoof choked and gagged while the rest of the guards snapped to attention.
"Princess!" they chorused.
Celestia raised a hoof, signaling for them to be at ease. They carried on with their activities, leaving Strong Hoof to assist the princess.
"How... how can I help you princess?" he asked with a nervous smile, coffee trailing out from his nose.
"Relax my little pony, I'm not here for anything too serious," assured Celestia, "I just wanted to ask a few quick questions concerning a minor incident which occurred recently."
Strong Hoof snapped to attention, eager to serve his princess, "Of course princess. How may I be of assistance?"
"It has been brought to my attention that a theft has occurred in Ponyville. As I'm sure you all know, these crimes are not to be taken lightly, and I prefer to personally deal with any offenders myself. This sends a strong message, discouraging any further thefts."
"Understood," replied Strong Hoof, nodding his understanding, "the offender, Muffin Joe, is currently in Ponyville Hospital, where he is recovering from a minor ailment. The offender isn't currently in his right mind, princess. We were informed of this by the reporter of the crime. He was escorted to the hospital so that he could recover before facing any charges."
"Was he in his right mind when he committed the theft?"
"We are unsure, princess. We cannot begin questioning him until he returns to normal."
"Who reported the incident?"
"It was Derpy Hooves, princess. She was the victim of the theft."
"I see. Thank you for your assistance, Strong Hoof."
"It was a pleasure, princess."
Celestia promptly left, making her way towards the hospital. She was unsure how she was going to talk to a mentally impaired stallion, but she would find a way.
"Great, my first time meeting the princess and I looked like an idiot," mumbled Strong Hoof.
"You still do." said Bronze Wing.
"Who visits a hospital patient at seven in the morning?" groaned Derpy, "why can't we go later? Muffin didn't get his full nine hours of sleep."
"The sooner we visit him, the sooner we can know how he's doing silly! " answered Pinkie, bouncing along with energy in spite of the early morning. "We need to make sure Joe is feeling alright, seeing as how we're the only ones who know what's truly wrong with him. I hope the muffin's effects have at least calmed down a bit by now."
"Muffin didn't mean to make Joe go crazy, Joe just couldn't handle him," Derpy declared. "Isn't that right my little Muffin?"
"..."
"Oh Muffin, you're so silly!" giggled Derpy.
"What did Twilight tell you about Joe's condition?" Pinkie inquired. "How long till he's back to making doughnuts? Or will he keep making muffins? Hmm... I need to prepare a Happy Recovery Party for him. Should the theme be doughnuts or muffins?"
"Twilight told me that Joe would take about a week to fully recover."
"That doesn't mean we can't still visit, Derpy. Joe's our friend, and we all got stuck in this mess together. We need to make sure he's ok, and let him know that we're still his friends. The more friends, the better!"
"Wow Pinkie," Derpy began, "it amazes me how friendly you are with everypony. I hope Muffin here can learn a thing or two about friendship from you."
"Oh stop it you," answered Pinkie, blushing at the sincere compliment.
After a few more minutes, the hospital came into view. Pinkie walked in first, but rather than entering the building, she simply walked around in the rotating doorway.
"Hey! This is fun! It's like a mini carousel!"
Derpy attempted to join in, but bonked her head against the door. Pinkie laughed, slowing down so that Derpy could enter. The two ponies spun and spun until the carousel was a blur.
Derpy, unable to keep up with Pinkie's pace, was launched into the hospital with astonishing speed. She collided with the front desk, shocking the mare sitting behind it.
"Umm... hello?"
"Hi Nurse Redheart!" greeted Pinkie, having just finished playing with the door. "How are you today?"
"I'm fine, thanks for asking," she replied with a smile. "So, how may I be of assistance?"
"Derpy and I are here to visit a patient," Pinkie clarified.
"Ya," agreed Derpy, "we're looking for Mr. Doughnut Joe. Or should I say Mr. Muffin Joe?"
"Ahh, Mr. Joe. He's quite an interesting case. I still can't believe he had his name changed. Twilight stopped by the hospital earlier and explained the whole situation to us."
"How is he doing?" asked Derpy.
"Well, after having had his stomach pumped to help rid him of the substances, and with the help of a bit of magic, Joe's doing much better now. Although, he keeps mentioning muffins every now and then for some reason. Plus his grammar is still a tad bit awful. He should be good as new in a few days rather than a week!"
"Awesome!" cheered Pinkie. "What room is he staying in? We'd like to see him."
"It's a bit early for visitors, but I suppose I can let you two slide in."
Nurse Redheart turned to face her computer. A few keystrokes and mouse clicks later, she found Joe's information in the patient database. "Alright, let's see... Joe is in room 314. Take the elevator to the third floor and make a right. His room will be at the end of the hall, you can't miss it."
"Third floor, make a right, at the end of the hall," Pinkie confirmed. "Got it."
"As a formality, you two need to take these visitor tags with you," added Nurse Redheart.
Pinkie and Derpy retrieved the tags from the desk. Pinkie stuck hers on her forehead while Derpy stuck hers on her cheek.
"Well?" Derpy asked, pressing an unknown issue.
"Well... what?"
"Aren't you forgetting something, Miss Nurse Pants? Surely someone as smart as you would now that there's something wrong here."
Nurse Redheart rolled her eyes. She grabbed another visitor tag and handed it over to Derpy, who promptly stuck it onto Muffin. "Forgive me please," she said.
"I'll have to ask Muffin if he forgives you first," Derpy answered. "Well, do you forgive her Muffin?"
"..."
"Muffin forgives you," she confirmed.
"Thanks for everything nurse!"
"No problem you two. Tell Joe I said hi!"
With everything said and done, the two mares made their way over to the elevator. One jazzy ride later, they found themselves on the third floor. As instructed, they made a right and found room 314 at the end of the hallway.
"Open it quietly, we don't want to disturb Joe if he's sleeping," Pinkie stressed.
"Don't worry, I'll be as quiet as a mouse that's super quiet!" assured Derpy.
Derpy bucked upon the door with her hind legs.
"Eeeeeeeek!"
"Hmm, I think we have the wrong room."
"No siree, that's definitely Joe over there," confirmed Pinkie.
"No, I could've sworn I just heard a mare. What do you think, Muffin?"
"..."
"Why are you frightened all of a sudden, Muffin?" asked Derpy, pure concern in her voice. She coddled Muffin in her hooves.
"It's probably because he's in the same room as his former captor," Pinkie pointed out. "I dunno, that's just my opinion. Maybe he saw a ghost? Oh! I know! Maybe he—"
"What is you three doing here?"
Joe quickly became the center of attention as two heads, and a muffin, snapped towards him.
"Oh! So it really was Joe! That's strange, I didn't know that stallions could sound like that."
"Hi Joe!" began Pinkie. "We just decided to walk on over to the hospital and see how you were doing and we were wondering if there's anything in particular that we can do to help make you feel at least a teensy bit more—"
"What she's trying to say," interrupted Derpy, "is that we're here to see how you're doing."
"Well, me could be better honestly," Joe shrugged.
"I'll say. Look at the breakfast they left here! Toast and hay? Where's the sugar here?"
Pinkie reached into her mane and replaced the dish with a cupcake, muffin and doughnut combo, complete with a few apples and a fizzy grape drink.
"That's better!"
Joe reached for the fizzy grape drink, spilling a bit on the floor due to his sluggishness, "So, you saw how me is doing. What now?"
"Well, Pinkie and I have been doing some talking. This whole situation is pretty crazy if you think about it really. I mean... you stole a muffin from me, of all things. You could've stolen some food, or maybe some bits. But nope! You go straight for Muffin here! Can you imagine how he must've felt? Being abducted from his home like that?"
"No," Joe answered, shriveling under the hospital bedsheets. "Me is sorry, really. Me shouldn't have take your muffin like that. It was yours, not me. Me feel really bad. Me only wanted to use it to win the National Dessert Competition. But, me no expect it to take over my mind once I taste it! Me was a stupid foal..."
"Well, I guess we can say that you bite off more than you could chew!" giggled Pinkie.
"Look, Joe. I accept your apology, because as Muffin's owner and or mother, I try to set a good example for him. Forgiveness is important."
"Thank you Derpy Hooves for forgive me."
"I'm not the only one you should be apologizing too."
"Me is sorry to you too, Pinkie."
"Oh it's okay Joey. As long as you've learned your lesson, I see no reason to hold a grudge. Besides, that food fight was fantastic! We should do it again sometime! Although, perhaps with less deadly vegetables."
"So, is we all good now?"
"Not yet, Mr Joe," Derpy declared. "There's somemuffin else you need to apologize to."
With a look between Derpy's fore hooves, Joe found himself staring at the bite marks scarring Muffin's otherwise immaculate appearance. As a baker himself, he knew how to appreciate the effort and skill put into making such a treat. It must've been absolutely astonishing when it was newly made. No bite marks, no nothing. It had been the epitome of all things delicious, worthy of both Celestia's and Luna's highest praises. Now, even though it was still rather dashing, its beauty had been diminished. And, for contributing partially to that, Joe felt truly awful inside.
"M-me sorry, Muffin!" Joe managed to choke out, just before the tears began.
"Aww, you poor thing," Derpy muttered to herself. She placed Muffin on her head and reached out to give Joe a hug. "Hush now, it's okay. Muffin forgives you. Isn't that right, Muffin?"
"..."
"See?"
"Me sorry! Me sorry!" he cried, soaking Derpy's coat with his tears.
"Scoot over a bit, Derpy. I wanna join in!"
Pinkie sandwiched herself between Joe and Derpy. "Don't worry Joe. Everything will be fine," she consoled.
After a few more minutes, Joe managed to regain control of his tear ducts. He gazed at the mares with red, puffy eyes and a runny nose, "Thanks you."
"Here. You might want this."
Joe nodded his appreciation as he gratefully grabbed the napkin from Pinkie's hoof.
"Oh be quiet, Muffin. Joe is not a baby."
After tidying himself, Joe stretched out his hoof.
"We can be friend?"
With little time to spare, two hooves immediately met his. Using her free hoof, Derpy placed Muffin directly in the center of the three way hoof bump.
"Friends!" the two mares, as well as the muffin, agreed.
"Came in!" Joe yelled.
"Hello Mr Joe," greeted Nurse Tenderheart, "And hello to you as well, Derpy and Pinkie. I didn't realize Joe would be having visitors today."
"Hiyah!" replied the two mares.
"I'm sorry, but could you two please leave the room for a few minutes? I need to do a quick check up on Joe. Check his heart rate, blood pressure, draw some more blood, yadayadayada."
"Okie dokie lokie! We'll be back in a bit Joe. Derpy and I are gonna go check out the cafeteria!"
A few hops later, Pinkie was out.
"Well, are you coming?" she asked, bouncing in place.
"Just a second," answered Derpy, "I'm gonna leave Muffin right here. He and Joe can have a nice friendly chat, just to get acquainted with each other.
"Good idea!"
Derpy placed Muffin on Joe's bedside table.
"Behave yourselves, both of you," she instructed, being serious for a rare second.
"Yes ma'am," Joe replied, as well as Muffin.
"I'll see you two in a bit!"
Derpy bumped into something on her way out, possibly breaking a few items.
"Derpy!? What did you do?" complained Nurse Tenderheart.
"Oops!"
With a sigh, Nurse Tenderheart closed the door.
"Alright, Joe. Let's get started!" she chimed in a sing song voice.
With practiced proficiency, Nurse Tenderheart accurately recorded Joe's heart rate and blood pressure.
She gave a little smile, "Well well. You are perfectly healthy! No issues here. Now I just need to draw some blood and send it to the lab for analysis."
"Me no like the needles!" cried Joe. "They is too pointy!"
Another knock come from behind the door.
"I'm not done yet!" Nurse Tenderheart responded.
"Please open up! It's really important!"
"Fine," she sighed as she opened the door.
"I almost forgot to mention!" Pinkie exclaimed from behind the door. "Nurse Redheart said to tell you hi!"
"Is that it?"
"Yup!"
Pinkie's face met the door a bit too intimately as Nurse Tenderheart pushed it closed.
"Don't come back for at least ten minutes, Pinkie. Please! I am trying to work here."
"Please come back! Annoy her! Me no want her to give me the needles!" he panicked. "Help me, Muffin! Distract evil lady!"
"..."
"Oh come on! Why you no help me? Didn't me treat you to a nice, romantic dinner before Pinkie and Derpy show up?"
"..."
"What you mean spaghetti was undercooked!?"
"Are you finished talking to yourself, Mr. Joe?" Nurse Tenderheart asked in an unamused tone. "Your body may be healthy, but your mind still needs time to recover it seems."
Joe cringed as Nurse Tenderheart began sterilizing the needle.
"Please gentle..."
Nurse Tenderheart offered a calming smile, "Oh hush you big baby. It'll be over before you know it."
Yet another knock came from behind the door.
"Yes! Me is saved!" Joe rejoiced.
"Who could that possibly be this time?"
A few grumbles later, the nurse trotted over to the door.
"Oh, hello there! Is Mr. Muffin Joe in here?"
"P-p-princess!?"
"Yup, that's me!" Celestia giggled.
Nurse Tenderheart bowed in respect, Joe was unable to. Celestia acknowledged them with a nod of her head. Waving a hoof she spoke, "You may rise. Please, don't fret. I'm not here to make any demands. Everypony seems to overreact when I trot into a room."
"Yes, of course princess! Sorry princess! How may I ever so humbly serve you, princess?"
"I would merely like to speak with Joe for a short while. That is all."
"At once princess! I'll leave right away, princess!"
"Huzzah!" rejoiced Joe, having been spared the extremely pointy point due to unforeseen circumstances.
Nurse Tenderheart vamoosed her way out of the tiny room. The closing of the door behind them granting the two occupants a little privacy.
"Alright, Joe," Celestia began in a firm tone, "I am going to assume you already know exactly why I've decided to visit you all the way from Canterlot." She decided not to beat around the bush, wanting to be over with the matter as swiftly as possible, yet dealing with it properly.
As he sighed, Joe took on a guilty look. He replied, "Yes, me know why you here. You is here because I steal something, yes? And since theft is bad, bad thing, you come to visit me personally and deal with problem directly?"
"You just about summed it up. I was informed that you were mentally incapacitated. It would appear that this isn't the case. Although... your ruthless slaughter of the Equestrian language makes me cringe a bit."
Joe shrugged.
"I see," nodded Celestia. "Anyway, I do hope you realize that some form of punishment is in order. I'm not about to let you get off scot-free for such an offense, benevolent as I may be."
"Me understands."
"Well then, Mr. Joe. What do you think—"
A knock came from behind the door.
"Joe, it's me, Derpy. Are you two done in there? Can I come in now? I can't stay away from Muffin too long; he starts to get the heebie-jeebies whenever he's alone.
Celestia nodded to Joe, giving him permission to let her enter.
"Came in!"
Derpy hurried inside, moving straight to Muffin the moment she entered.
"Oh Muffin I missed you so much!"
"..."
"Aww... you're so sweet Muffin."
"You only leave him for few minutes," Joe deadpanned. "And where did Pinkie went?"
"She's still in the cafeteria, raiding the sweets section," answered Derpy as she continued to nuzzle Muffin, getting a few crumbs in her fur.
"Hello, Derpy Hooves."
Derpy turned to find herself staring at none other than Princess Celestia herself.
"Oh! Hi Princess Celestia! It's so nice to see you! Look, Muffin, this is the mare I was telling you about awhile back. Mind your manners around her." Derpy placed Muffin on the floor before her. "Go on, say hi!"
"..."
"He's a little shy," blushed Derpy.
"Aww, isn't he adorable! He's lucky to have such a caring mother like you," giggled Celestia. She had been informed of Derpy Hooves' bubbly personality by Twilight's letters. Experiencing it first hand though was something else entirely. She found herself smiling a bit wider than usual as she watched the mare's antics. Her lips straightened out as she realized why she was here in the first place. "I'm going to guess that you've already spoken with Joe?"
"Yup, that's right," confirmed Derpy.
"Well, Joe needs to be punished for his thievery. I was going to make a suggestion... but I'm curious... What would you have in mind? Seeing as how you're the victim of this incident."
"Why, let him go of course!"
"Pffft!" Celestia spat out, momentarily losing her decorum. She demanded, "Why on Equestria should I let a criminal offense go unpunished!?"
"Well, for starters, both Muffin and I have forgiven him already. Joe has told us how sorry he is for his actions, and that he was being a foal when he decided to steal from me. Isn't that right Joe?"
"Ya," Joe admitted.
"Also, I know for sure that Joe has learned his lesson and won't ever do such a thing ever again! Right Joe?"
"Mhmm."
"Joe, Pinkie and I are friends now! Isn't that right, Joey?"
"Yes!" agreed Joe.
"Aaaaaand, to top it all off, Joe has agreed to allow me to eat from his shop free of charge!"
"Yeah! Wait... no I didn't—"
"Shhh, it's okay Joe. No need to argue."
Celestia took in this new information slowly. "Well," she began, "it would seem that you, and Pinkie Pie apparently, have this problem all sorted out. But still, I'm not letting this slide without some form of punishment. As such, I have come upon a suitable one."
"Cupcake?" Joe choked out, offering the cupcake which Pinkie had given him in an attempt to ease the incoming blow.
"Oh! Thank you," Celestia smiled. "Unfortunately, this will not ease your punishment."
"Was worth shot, right?"
"You shall perform volunteer work at the Ponyville Elderly Home for fours hours everyday, for the next month." Celestia declared with a smug grin.
"Noooo!" cried Joe.
"Well, what do you think, Derpy?"
"I love it!"
"Well, I better go make it official. A few signatures here and there and he'll be all set for next week. It was nice to meet you two."
"Bye!" waved Derpy.
"Say, before I leave, do you think I could have a little bite of that muffin? It looks absolutely amazing."
"Uh-oh!" Derpy thought, "What do I do? What do I do? She's the princess? I couldn't refuse her! But... if she takes a bite of Muffin... she'll go crazy too! But wait... wouldn't Celestia be immune? Seeing as how she is a powerful alicorn. Plus, she does eat a lot of cake. Maybe she is used to handling the flavorful ingredients? Ahh my head hurts!"
"Derpy? Me no sure is good idea."
"I dunno, princess. What do you think, Muffin? Is it okay if Princess Celestia takes a teeny bite out of you?"
"..."
"Hmm..." Derpy pondered as she took Muffin's opinion into account.
"It's no trouble, really," Celestia assured, "I just wanted a little taste is all. It's not everyday I see perfection like that. If you don't want to give me a piece, I'll understand perfectly."
Celestia made her way to the door, but was interrupted by Derpy.
"Answer me this. You are a really powerful alicorn right? And you can resist powerful magic, right?"
"Well, I don't mean to toot my own horn," she modestly answered, "but yes. I am pretty powerful. Why do you ask?"
"Well then, I guess it's okay if you take a teensy weensy little bite."
Derpy broke off a microscopic piece of Muffin and offered it to Celestia. "Sorry, Muffin," she whispered.
"Derpy... me has a bad feeling," warned Joe.
"Celestia should be powerful enough to resist it."
"Resist what? Is there something wrong with this Muffin?" Celestia asked a bit apprehensively.
"What? No no no! Not at all!" Derpy laughed.
"It's okay. If you don't want to share it it's perfectly fine. I'll just be leaving now."
Suddenly, Pinkie slammed open the door and dashed straight in.
"Derpy! My Pinkie Sense is—"
Pinkie collided harshly with Derpy sending both Muffin, and the little piece, sailing through the air. The latter, landed straight into Celestia's open mouth, while Muffin went flying through the open window. Derpy darted out the window in chase of Muffin.
"Pinkie? What in Equestria is... Mmm... This is really, really good! I've never tasted such an amazing muffin in my entire life! And that's saying something." Celestia's face glowed with approval as she chewed the muffin.
"Celestia! What ever you do... don't swallow that muffin!"
"Excuse me. What did you say, Pinkie?" Celestia asked as she swallowed, "I was busy being lost in this exquisite flavor."
"Noooooooooooooo!" Pinkie yelled in defeat.
"Derpy said Celestia might able resist the effects since she super powerful," Joe said. "Let's hope she right."
"I'm sorry, but what do you mean 'effects'? Was something wrong with that Muffin? Is this another prank of yours, Miss Pinkie?" Celestia smirked.
"Yes! It was... a prank?"
"Well, this has been fun and and all, but I must be leaving. But first, I should help that mare find her muffin."
Celestia flew out the window, meeting Derpy as she descended to the ground. She found the mare checking behind trees, in bushes, under benches, and behind garbage cans.
"Would you like some help finding your Muffin?"
"Oh yes! That would be lovely! It's just my luck that he had to land in these conveniently located gardens" Derpy said. "I can here him calling from somewhere to the left... but I'm not sure where exactly."
"Allow me."
Celestia prepped one of her more advanced spells. Her horn emitted a scanner ray, searching the entire left area.
"Ooooooooooo!"
"Ooooooooooo indeed! This is one of my favorite spells. It's pretty useful for finding misplaced objects."
"Can you teach it to me?"
"Sorry, Derpy. Unicorns only."
"Aww," Derpy pouted.
"There, I got it. Your muffin is inside of that rose bush over there," Celestia declared. "Let me get it for you."
"Gee. Thanks princess!"
Celestia trotted over and retrieved the muffin from the rose bush.
"Here you go," Celestia offered, levitating it over. Suddenly, it halted, just outside of Derpy's reach.
"Umm... princess... you can let it go now," Derpy giggled.
Using her wings, Derpy got herself high enough to grab at Muffin. She tugged at it, but it remained firm within Celestia's magical grasp.
"Princess? Can I have Muffin back now? He's getting a bit worried."
No response came from Celestia.
"Derpy? Is everything alright down here?" Pinkie asked as she floated down, suspended by a few balloons. Joe emerged a few moments later from the nearby door, happy to escape the hospital.
"Why her eyes like that?" Joe inquired. "Is princess okay? And why her mane color changed color to brown?"
"Uh oh. I'm shuddering! A real doozy is about to happen!"
"Princess? Hello? Are you feeling good? Should I call a nurse here?" Derpy asked as she waved a hoof in front of Celestia's face. "Do you want me to get Twilight here?"
"Muffins..."
"What? Speak up, princess, I can't hear you." Derpy cupped a hoof to her ear in order to hear better.
"Muffins!" Celestia shouted using the Royal Canterlot Voice. Derpy was blown away into a tree, while Pinkie and Joe tumbled into a garbage can.
"Oh, this is not good,"
"Me told you me had bad feeling about this!"
"Would you be quiet?" Derpy asked a bit harshly. "Now isn't the time to argue, we need to get Muffin back from her before she gets too crazy! I don't think I can bear to lose him again!"
"Muffin mine now, subjects! Obey princess! Leave be!" Celestia flapped her wings, getting away from the ground incase of a sudden attempt to reclaim her glorious muffin.
"Derpy's right!" Pinkie agreed, pulling out her party cannon from seemingly nowhere. "We need to be careful about this! Celestia is a powerful princess, she won't be easy to detain. Quick, Derpy, initiate offensive maneuver fifty-four!"
Derpy saluted. Reaching into Pinkie's mane, she retrieved a miniature cannon ball.
"Quick! Set her up!"
With Joe's help, Derpy prepped the cannon to fire.
"What you three muffins doing there!?" Celestia asked, a maniacal grin etched into her skin. Her eyes twitched uncontrollably as she stared down her disobedient subjects.
"Oh, nothing!" Pinkie sang. "Nothing at all!"
"Ready to fire," Derpy whispered.
"Line it up. Quick! Before she catches onto us!" Pinkie instructed.
Joe aligned the sights with Celestia, making sure to account for wind speed and target distance. Once everything was ready, Derpy gave Pinkie the signal by way of rapidly slapping her cheek five times.
"Say hello to my little friend!"
Pinkie lit the short fuse. In less than two seconds, the cannon fired, sending its projectile straight at Celestia. The cannonball broke apart in midair, revealing a restraining net, magically enhanced to suppress the mightiest of beasts.
"Where did you get this ammunition?" Derpy asked, awe-struck at the display.
"Ya!" Joe agreed, "Me never seen anything like this!"
"I'm afraid that's classified."
Joe's aim was true: the net whistled in the air was it made its way straight to Celestia.
A loud crackle was heard, before every pony suddenly became blinded by a harsh light.
"I can't see!" Pinkie complained, "did we get her?"
The light faded a few seconds later. Neither Muffin nor Celestia was anywhere to be seen.
"Cheater!" Joe shouted, waving an angry hoof in protest.
"Muffin? Muffin!?" Derpy franticly cried out. "This isn't fair! Why does everyone keep taking Muffin from me!?""
Derpy fell over, weeping and sniffling loudly. This time, it was Pinkie and Joe who moved to console Derpy
"Hey, Derpy. Listen..." Pinkie moved to sit beside Derpy, wrapping a hoof around her. Joe sat on the other side, doing the same. "I'm not going to pretend to know how you're feeling. Losing Muffin again must be hard, I know how much you care about him. But... do you think sitting here is gonna bring him back?"
"Well... no," sniffled Derpy.
"So, what do you think we should do?"
"I'm tired, Pinkie. I can't even imagine how Muffin must feel."
"I didn't ask you how you or Muffin felt, I asked you what we should do," Pinkie reiterated.
"We... we need to get him back!" Derpy shouted. "Nopony takes Muffin from me and gets away with it! Princess or not!"
"That's the spirit!" cheered Pinkie, throwing confetti in the air.
"Hey, me is here too," Joe pointed out. "Me is gonna help too. We are friends. Friends help friend."
"Aww, thanks Joe," Derpy smiled, wiping away her tears. She embraced him with both hooves, showing her gratefulness for his help. Joe blushed at her show of affection and bashfully returned the gesture.
"Hey, don't forget your hat!" Pinkie spoke up, already wearing her detective hat.
"Thanks, Pinkie," Derpy replied, grabbing the hat from Pinkie's hoof and donning it stylishly.
"Hey! Me want a hat."
"Oh! Almost forgot! Sorry."
"That's better," Joe declared as she adjusted his sweet new headgear.
"Quick! Strike a cool pose everypony," Pinkie blurted out.
"Why?" asked Derpy.
"Aww come on, just do it. Pleeeease!"
"Fine."
The three ponies each struck a fabulous pose.
"Super Muffin Squad! Da na na na!"
"Really?" Joe deadpanned.
"What? I thought it was cool," Pinkie shrugged.
"Can somepony get me out of this darn net?" cried Twilight from a distance.
Luna was sitting at her desk, glancing through her mountainous paperwork. She paused her monotonous routine to gaze at the nearby clock. She sighed and complained, "Celestia needs to hurry up! We can't handle this horrid duty alone!"
Her complaints were answered as Celestia suddenly teleported into the room, holding Muffin in her left fore hoof.
Luna perked up at the sight of her. "Ah! Hello, sister! We were worried that you'd abandoned us in favor of skylarking about."
Celestia didn't reply. She walked at a snail's pace towards Luna, as if to drag on a forthcoming event. Her deranged eyes remained locked onto Luna's amiable ones. Her smile was twisted, like one you'd find on a demented creature from a horror film.
"Sister… are you all right?" Luna asked, eyebrows raised. "You seem ill. Why is your mane brown?" And why are you looking at us like that? Is this another joke?"
Celestia didn't answer, but she quickened her pace slightly. Once she was within reach of Luna, she held out the hoof containing Muffin.
"Wow! What a delicious looking muffin! Did you save that piece for me?"
Celestia nodded, her crazed eyes and insane smile remained the same. She gestured for Luna to take the muffin from her hoof. Luna smiled beautifully, appreciative of her sister's actions.
"Thank you, sister. But after we taste it, we would like for you to explain what's going on in that silly little head of yours."
Celestia nodded fervently. Her smiled widened as Luna took a small bite from the muffin.
"Wow! This is delicious! Where did you get this muffin? We must buy some of our own!"
"Can you feel what I feel? Feel the love! Feel the holiness of the muffin!" laughed a maniacal Celestia.
"We don't get it," Luna replied, deadpan. A few minutes later, Luna complained of a strange feeling in her mind.
"Sorry about that, Twilight! We weren't trying to catch you with this net, I promise," apologized Pinkie.
"It's fine, it's fine," Twilight assured her. "Just help me get outta here." Derpy, Pinkie, and Joe lifted the net from poor, innocent Twilight, victim of circumstance. "Now what exactly are you doing with a net powerful enough to suppress unicorn magic?"
"Well… it's kind of a funny story," Pinkie replied dismissively, "I don't think you have time to listen to it."
"I've got time," Twilight countered. "I demand an explanation for this crazy shenanigan."
Pinkie twiddled her hooves nervously for a few seconds. She then dragged Derpy over to stand before her. "Assistant Derpy, give her the rundown!"
Derpy saluted before saying, "Celestia bit Muffin then went crazy. We tried to shoot her down with this net but she teleported away with my little Muffin!"
"WHAT?" Twilight shouted in disbelief.
"Well… I tried to not tell you, but you insisted anyway?" Pinkie answered with a shrug and a guilty look.
"This is bad, really really bad," said Twilight. "If Celestia, Princess Celestia of Equestria, has bitten Muffin and gone crazy, there's no telling what chaos will take place!"
"Oh! Maybe she'll make it rain muffins! That way Muffin can have some more company!" Derpy said.
"She should make doughnut rain," Joe suggested.
Twilight groaned. "Guys! This is not the time to joke around. This is serious!"
"So what can we do?" asked Pinkie. "We can't exactly subdue her like we did with Joe." Joe grumbled in the background.
"I don't know," sighed Twilight, her mane frazzling. "We can't exactly blast her with the Elements of Harmony. Snatching Muffin from her would be near impossible! Celestia is one of, if not the most powerful pony in Equestria!"
Twilight chastised herself, saying, "I knew I should've gotten rid of that muffin when I had the chance. Why didn't you keep a closer watch on it, Derpy? And why did you have to reuse that ingredient, Pinkie? I warned you against it!"
Both Pinkie and Derpy couldn't meet Twilight's gaze, they were too ashamed to even lift their heads.
"We need to focus on get Muffin back," said Joe. "They know they did wrong, they learn lesson, me hope."
Twilight let out a deep sigh and rubbed her temples. "Alright, girls, cheer up. It's okay. You guys made a mistake. I make mistakes too. Let's fix this problem, then we can laugh about it later."
Pinkie and Derpy perked up, eager to fix the problem.
"So what's our plan of attack?"
Twilight paused to think for a moment. "Well, since Celestia is an outrageously powerful alicorn, not to mention a princess with an army at her disposal, it'll be pretty hard for us to snatch Muffin from her on our own. Maybe we could ask Luna for help? I'm sure she's powerful enough to help us out."
"That's a good idea!" Derpy agreed.
"Maybe Luna's already taken Muffin from Celestia! What if Celestia's already back to normal? Everything could be fine!" Pinkie cheered.
"Yay!" Joe chipped in.
"We should still inform Luna, just incase she's unaware of this. I'll write a letter asking for help, any objections?" Twilight asked. She found none. "Then it's settled. Spike!"
No response.
"Oh, I forgot, he's still sleeping. I kept him awake last night while doing research. Luckily I have a bottle of his dragon breath back at the library."
"Then let's go get it!" Pinkie said.
Twilight escorted every pony else back to the library, where she proceeded to write a hasty letter to Luna asking for her immediate assistance. She sealed the letter, then incinerated it with the dragon's breath.
"And now we wait."
About a minute later, a return letter materialized in front of the ponies.
Twilight grabbed it with her magic and read it aloud. "The muffining is nigh?" With a raised eyebrow, she turned the letter over, then back again, then over, then back again.
"Wait… that's it?" Joe asked.
"I think so," Twilight answered, putting down the letter. "I can't find anything else!"
The group took awhile to ponder the meaning behind it.
Derpy suddenly gasped, saying, "Oh no."
Pinkie caught on. With a worried look on her face she said, "You don't think…"
"That Luna bit Muffin too?" Twilight ended.
It was a dire reality, and everypony was reluctant to accept it.
"I'm not sure," doubted Twilight. "Maybe I sent it to Celestia by mistake?"
"I don't think so, Twilight. We all saw you address it directly to Princess Luna." Derpy answered.
Everypony shared worried looks with one another.
Twilight suddenly perked up. "Oh, I know! Maybe we should—"
Twilight stopped mid sentence. Her eyes took on a dull, mindless look. "Muffin."
"Hellooooo? Equestria to Twilight?" Pinkie asked, waving her hoof in front of Twilight. "This is the part where you tell us your super duper plan!"
Twilight, oblivious to Pinkie's antics, robotically marched out of the library and into the street. The others followed her, and were shocked at the sight before them.
"What in Celestia's name?" said Derpy.
"Have I been eating too much frosting again?" Pinkie asked herself.
"No, this very real." Joe answered.
Like Twilight, all of the towns ponies had blank looks on their faces, and were collectively marching in a single direction. They all chanted, "Muffin Muffin Muffin Muffin."
"Where are they all going?" Pinkie asked.
"Looks like they headed to Canterlot," answered Joe.
Joe was right, all of the ponies were indeed marching straight towards the distant city of Canterlot.
"Why are they doing this?" Derpy asked. "How come we aren't doing it too?"
"I dunno… The real question is who's making them do this."
A loud omnipresent voice answered for her. "Yes! March! March my little muffins! Come to us!"
"Come bow before your true Muffin Overlords!" Two omnipresent voices.
The mindless ponies collectively groaned in response, continuing on their way towards Canterlot.
"Did those voices belong to who I think they belong to?" Pinkie asked fearfully.
"Celestia and Luna… They've both gone crazy!" Derpy shouted with her hooves on her cheeks. "They're controlling every pony!"
"THIS ARE HORRIBLE!" Joe shrieked.
"I believe now is a good time to panic. You ponies agree?"
Derpy and Joe nodded in agreement.
"Alright. On three. One… two… three!"
"AHHHHHHHHH!" they all screamed as they ran in circles and collided with random objects, Derpy especially.
Pinkie stopped suddenly.
"Why'd you stop panicking with us, Pinkie?" Derpy panted.
"I just realized," Pinkie began, "we might be the only ponies who aren't being controlled right now. Meaning, we are the only ones who can fix this!"
"How you know nopony else being controlled?" Joe asked.
"Well, we know for a fact that Celestia and Luna have gone crazy from biting Muffin. What if they're using their super alicorn magic to amplify that, sending it out and brainwashing every pony?"
"That does make sense," Derpy agreed. "So why aren't we being brainwashed?"
"Because, silly, we can't go crazy from biting Muffin: We're both accustomed to super duper fantasterrific flavor explosions and awesomeness! We're immune! Joe must've built up immunity since he's gone crazy before already, plus he's already been exposed to the super duper flavoriffic awesomeness of Muffin."
"If that's true, Twilight shouldn't have been affected by the brainwashing," Derpy pointed out.
"Good point," Pinkie acknowledged. "But. Twilight wasn't exposed to it as long as Joe was. At least, that's what you told me previously."
"It's true," confirmed Derpy, "I snatched it from her quickly."
"So, we the only ones who can save day?" Joe asked.
"You're right as raspberry filling," Pinkie answered. "How are we gonna do it though?"
"It's just us three. We have to think of something!"
Pinkie brought a hoof to her chin. "What if… What if it's not just us three?"
"What are you getting at?" Derpy asked.
Pinkie beamed. "I know some pony who might've been resistant to the brainwashing! Somepony who I always share some of my most amazing treats with!"
"WHO?" shouted Joe in anticipation.
"Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie announced, throwing her hooves in the air. "She could fly in super fast, snatch Muffin, then zoom right back out! We could hide for a few days until ever pony returns to normal due to lack of muffin exposure!"
"That's brilliant!" Derpy said. "Now we just need to find her."
"Found her," Joe said, pointing a hoof to show where.
The other two followed Joe's hoof to spot Rainbow Dash a few feet away.
"Muffin muffin muffin," she chanted as she continuously bumped headfirst into a wall.
Pinkie sighed. "Nevermind."
"We need try something!" Joe whined as he trotted over towards Rainbow Dash. He grabbed her face between his fore hooves and gave her a shake. "Wake up! Wake up!" He gave her a mild slap. "Wake up!"
Rainbow Dash remained unresponsive. Joe sighed in defeat. He redirected her away from the wall and into the crowd of ponies. She began bumping into a mailbox.
"Well, it looks like we're on our own," Derpy said.
"You're right," Pinkie agreed, nodding her head. "Well, I guess there's only one logical course of action!" She stood on her hind legs and struck a heroic pose. "To Canterlot!"
Canterlot was a sizable distance away. Pinkie had decided to commandeer a locomotive, due to the fact that the conductors were all gone.
As Derpy and Joe stood next to Pinkie, who donned a conductor's hat and sat in the driver's seat, they began to feel a bit uneasy.
"Pinkie, are you sure you know how to operate this thing?" Derpy asked a bit apprehensively.
"Of course I do!" Pinkie assured her, waving a dismissive hoof. "I saw it in a movie once," she silently whispered to herself.
Pinkie set the train to maximum speed; the three ponies rocketed towards Canterlot. Once their stop was in view, she yanked the emergency brake, bringing the locomotive to a jarring halt.
"Here we are folks!" Pinkie chimed. Derpy and Joe were too busy vomiting out the side windows to notice. Once they'd recovered, they stepped onto the platform. They were greeted by a peculiar sight.
"Uh oh," said Joe.
Starting immediately from the bottom of the platform, and fanning out throughout the city, was a dense crowd. There was not a single unoccupied space. More ponies were continuously pouring in from the city's outskirts. They would've been heading straight to the castle, had it not reached maximum capacity already. Instead, the ponies bumped into each other in their futile attempts to reach their new rulers.
"Yes! That's it! Come my little muffins! Come worship your Muffin Overlords!" boomed Celestia's omnipresent voice.
"No pony shall resist our reign!" Luna continued.
"Look!" shouted Pinkie from her spot on the platform, pointing towards a few griffins in the crowd.
"Me see buffalo too!" Joe shouted, pointing in another direction.
"We need to hurry!" exclaimed Derpy. "This is starting to get out of hand! At this rate, all of Equestria will be brainwashed!"
"Yeah. It'll be pretty awkward if the changelings get here before we can stop this mess," Pinkie commented. "Well then, let's get going already!"
The ponies made their way down the platform and began to tediously sift their way through the crowd.
"Oops! Sorry… Excuse me. Pardon me. HEY! WATCH IT BUSTER!"
Derpy felt her anxiety rising. In an effort to calm herself down, she said to herself, "Don't worry, Muffin. I'm almost there. You're gonna be safe. Everything's going to be fine."
Joe smiled every time he brushed against a cute mare.
The crowd was so packed that it took a good ten minutes for all three ponies to finally get close to the castle. All the while, the crowd chanted, "Muffin muffin muffin." The sound reverberated off the walls of the many buildings, creating an echo which would've been ominous, had it not been about a baked good.
An additional five minutes brought the three ponies into the castle courtyard. The crowd somehow managed to get even denser.
"Ugh! Move!" Derpy shouted out.
"Guys! Come to me!" Pinkie called out.
Joe and Derpy did as asked.
"What's up, Pinkie?" Derpy asked.
"The crowd is getting unbearable. Luckily, I have a solution." Pinkie smiled as she reached into her mane and pulled out a bundle of balloons. "It wouldn't have done much earlier, but the crowd is getting so thick that this'll be faster."
"You're gonna float us there?" doubted Joe.
"Yup! Grab a hold of me, Joe! Derpy, you can fly on ahead and meet us near the castle doors."
Derpy saluted before taking off. She crashed into many, many things on her way.
Pinkie began inflating the balloons. In a minute, she'd managed to inflate, and tie, sixty of them.
"Hang on, Joe!" Pinkie yelled in excitement. She jumped, using her tail to proper herself. They barely lifted off enough to clear the crowd.
"Hmm… must be all the extra weight."
"Hey!"
Pinkie inflated additional balloons until they were higher above the crowd.
"Here we go!" Pinkie cheered as she used her tail to propel herself forward.
"This much better!" said Joe.
They made it to the open castle doors in three minutes. Derpy was there off to the side waiting and waving to them, a crack in the wall near here.
"Whew, we finally made it!" Pinkie said as she and Joe landed, almost crushing a few nearby ponies.
"It's even more packed in the main foyer," said Derpy, pointing through a glass window.
Pinkie peeked in and sighed. "Let's get going."
The three ponies shoved their way through the packed crowd, slowly but surely approaching the ornate double doors to the throne room.
Once they'd reached the throne room, Pinkie was the first to notice an abrupt pause in the crowd, as she was further ahead than the other two. "Come on guys, I think we're almost there!" she called out.
Derpy and Joe hastened their efforts, eager to get through the frustrating crowd. Pretty soon, they were each standing side by side at the front of the crowd. A large segment of the royal guard stood a few feet ahead, leaving an empty space between them and the crowd, their neat formation contrasting with the confusion around them.
A few of them were drooling though. They too were chanting along with the crowd.
The princesses sat in their thrones at the far back. Both of their manes had taken on a brownish color to match Muffin's crust. Their expressions were silly and deranged, proving the fact that they had indeed gone insane from bitting Muffin. Muffin, who'd shrank to less than half his original size, was placed on a luxurious pillow on a tall pedestal between the two princesses. He had a tiny crown on his crust.
"Oh Muffin…" Derpy sniffed. "What have they done to you?"
Pinkie frowned at the new development. "How are we gonna get past them?"
They thought for a few minutes before Derpy had a breakthrough. "I've got it!" she gasped.
"Well, tell us!" Joe said.
"I can fly over them!"
"Good thinking!" Pinkie cheered.
Derpy flapped her wings and took off. As soon as she left the crowd and crossed the empty zone, a pegasus guard rose to smack her back down. She spiraled back into the crowd as the guard returned to formation.
"Ow!" she complained with swirls in her eyes.
"Looks like things won't be that easy," said Pinkie. "Maybe if we just walk by really slowly… they won't notice us?"
Pinkie decided to test her theory. She sauntered forward, muttering, "Muffin." She attempted to move to the side, where there was a tiny gap between the army and the wall. She was violently shoved back into the crowd by the nearest guard.
"Aww sprinkles!" she whined.
"What should we try next?" asked Derpy. "This is the only way to get near the princesses. We can't break in from the rear windows… they're way too reinforced!"
"How you know that?" Joe asked.
"I've… crashed into them… on numerous occasions," Derpy admitted with a bashful smile.
"Me… Me thinks me has an idea," said Joe. He reached into his outfit's pocket and pulled out three large cotton muffins. The insides of the muffins were hollow; there was an opening in the bottom which had enough space for an adult pony to fit in.
"Joe? What are you doing? We might get swarmed by the ponies!" Pinkie panicked.
"No. Is okay. Look!" Joe waved a hoof at the guards and the surrounding ponies. "They don't attack muffins!"
Joe was right. The ponies remained oblivious to the large muffins.
"I guess their attention is focused on the one and only Muffin, and not the other generic ones," thought Pinkie.
"Where did you get these?" asked Derpy as Joe handed him a muffin.
"Me think me made them while me was crazy," Joe admitted, rubbing the back of his head. "Let's get in them and sneak to front!"
"If we do manage to get close, should we snatch Muffin then make a break for it?" Derpy asked.
"Hmm… I think I have a plan," said Pinkie. She gestured for them to come towards her. "Come here guys, I'll tell you my idea and we'll take it from there."
And so Pinkie told the two her plan. They both agreed that it was the best chance they had.
"Alright guys, Operation Muffin Evacuation is a go," Pinkie whispered as she slipped under her muffin cover. Derpy and Joe did the same.
At a snail's pace, they moved forward in their muffin disguises. One muffin hugged the right wall, while the other two hugged the left wall. It was proceeding smoothly, until the muffin on the right bumped into a guard.
It was Derpy. She jumped as she realized her mistake. Joe and Pinkie continued moving, unaware of Derpy's situation.
"Oh no…" she whimpered as the guard she'd bumped into looked down at her. He stopped chanting, and bent forward, staring straight in Derpy's derped eyes through the eye cutouts in her disguise.
The guard stepped closer, and placed his hooves on the muffin disguise.
"OH NO OH NO OH NO!" Derpy wanted to scream, but she couldn't catch her breath.
The guard took a bite of the costume, swallowed, then went back into formation.
Derpy laid on the floor for a minute to compose herself before continuing forward. She climbed the steps onto the raised platform where the thrones were situated. Joe and Pinkie were in position, waiting for her arrival.
Directly in front of the princesses.
Joe was on Luna's side, to the left. Pinkie was on Celestia's side, to the right. They were both within hoof's reach of the princesses. Derpy was in-between them, facing the tall pedestal.
Pinkie and Joe slowly rotated their muffins to look at Derpy, who'd give the signal to begin.
Derpy shook her muffin five times.
Joe threw a rock from under his muffin. It went between the thrones and collided with the back wall. It was loud enough for the princesses to hear, but not the guards.
Luna slowly turned her head to the noise, her eyes twitching and her face smiling all the way. Celestia's head immediately snapped toward the exact location where the rock impacted, neck cracking as she did so. She fixed the wall with a death stare.
Derpy moved quickly. She deftly snatched Muffin from his pedestal. Pinkie immediately replaced Muffin with a doppelgänger. No less than a second after Pinkie'd retracted her hoof, both the princess's heads snapped back. They scanned the entire space around them, but found nothing suspicious. They reassumed their twisted facial expressions as the three muffins slowly backed away.
Derpy tripped and fell halfway down the stairs, nearly falling out of her disguise. Luckily she was below the princess's line of sight. Joe and Pinkie were much more careful, and descended slowly. Once they were at the bottom, where no pony could see them, Derpy knocked off Muffin's crown and handed him over to Joe so he could hide him in his pocket. They continued on their way, slipping past the guards and making their way into the crowd. Once they wear hidden in the crowd, they ditched their disguises.
"We did it!" Derpy cheered, throwing her hooves in the air and smiling wide. "Pass me Muffin, Joe. I want to hug him forever!"
Joe smiled wide and reached into his pocket, but Pinkie stopped him. "I'm excited too, Derpy," agreed Pinkie, "but we're not in the clear yet. Keep your cool and let's get outta here first. It's too risky to pull him out here."
Derpy nodded. The trio began making their way out of the room. Their plan was to hide away with Muffin till the princesses returned to normal. Hopefully, once the princesses were cured, every pony else would follow suit.
"We are goooood," Joe bragged as they continued on their way out.
"Attention everypony!" boomed Celestia with the Royal Canterlot Voice. "It is time for your regularly scheduled Muffin worship!"
The trio warily turned around, curious as to what exactly the princess was up to. "That sounds ominous," Pinkie worried out loud.
Princess Luna's horn glowed, her magic raising Fake Muffin from his pedestal, and levitating him high in the center of the throne room.
Everpony's gaze followed, as if nothing mattered but Muffin, which was most likely the case to them.
"Do you accept I, Princess Celestia, as Muffin Overlord?" she boomed.
All eyes turned towards her. "Muffin!" responded the crowd.
At this point, Derpy, Joe, and Pinkie had decided to hasten their exit. They chorused with the crowd as well to avoid suspicion.
"Do you accept I, Princess Luna, as Muffin Overlord?" Luna boomed.
All eyes turned towards her. "Muffin!"
Together, both princesses said, "Do you accept Muffin as Supreme Muffin Overlord?"
"MUFFIN!"
"And now, it is time for the muffin communion!" Luna said as she brought Fake Muffin back to her. She handed him over to Celestia, who broke off a minute piece, as to preserve Fake Muffin's being.
The trio turned back around, genuinely interested in the crazy antics of the princesses.
"This is the crust and filling of Muffin, which is shed for you," she said with the piece in her left hoof. "We honor and worship his being, we strive to follow his crusty example! It is our hope that by living a righteous, muffiny existence, we may forgo our pony bodies, and reach the ultimate nirvana of becoming muffins! We shall guide you on this great journey!"
Pinkie leaned over to whisper. "Wow. This is getting weird."
"I like the nirvana part," Derpy said.
"Why can't they become doughnuts?" Joe inquired. "There no equality here."
Luna broke off her own tiny piece and held it in her right hoof. Using her magic, she replaced Fake Muffin on the pedestal in all his righteous glory. "Let us now give thanks!"
Both the princesses ate the tiny pieces while the crowd bowed down before them.
"Quick! Bow!" instructed Pinkie. "We might get caught otherwise!"
Derpy and Joe quickly did as told. The three of them bowed side by side in the thick of the crowd.
The princesses chewed for a few seconds before spitting out the offensive material.
"WHAT IS THIS SACRILEGIOUS GARBAGE?" screamed Luna in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
Derpy, Pinkie, and Joe all jumped in fright. The crowd rose in confusion. They said, "Muffin?" amongst themselves.
"Looks like they found out," Pinkie whispered, shaking in fear.
"Pinkie! You say that that was exact copy of Muffin!"Joe harshly whispered.
"I didn't think they would actually taste it!" Pinkie answered. "Besides, do you know how hard it was to create the perfection that is Muffin? It took me forever to get the right muffin to frosting ratio!"
"Guys… I'm scared," Derpy whimpered. "Muffin's scared too… I can hear him."
"Calm down, calm down," Joe whispered to them both.
The princesses rose from their thrones, anger plain on their expressions.
"Who dares commit such a vile act against the Muffin Overlords?" called out Celestia. She nodded towards Luna, who nodded in return. The two princesses took to the skies over the crowd.
"No pony move a muscle! We shall find this perpetrator, and he or she will be made an example of!" Luna said. "Guards! Secure the exit!"
A section of the army broke off and moved towards the throne room's exit doors. They walked straight past Joe. They shoved the nearby worshippers out of the way, making room to close the exit doors.
"Disguises. Now."
The trio slowly donned their disguises. They managed to do so without being detected.
"Let's hope this work agains," Derpy whispered.
The princesses watched as the doors closed. Once they were, Celestia's horn lit up.
"What is she doing?" Pinkie asked.
"It doesn't look good," Derpy answered.
Celestia sniffed the air around her. After a few seconds, her face took on a triumphant expression. She flapped her way over towards the muffins in the crowd. The crowd dissipated around her and watched on as she landed, leaving her standing directly in front of three muffins.
"Hmm?" she hummed. "I could've sworn it was here."
Luna landed nearby. "What is wrong, sister?"
"I detected Muffin's scent from this exact spot… but I don't see him anywhere…"
"Most curious indeed," commented Luna. "Keep searching this area."
Luna broke off to search elsewhere, while Celestia circled the area around the three muffins. Her horn glowing, she sniffed the area around them. Unable to find anything worth noting, she sighed in anger and frustration.
Derpy sneezed from under her muffin.
Celestia immediately shot over towards the muffin, fixing it with a cold glare. She stared right at Derpy's eyes through the cutouts. After a few intense minutes of staring, she sighed and shook her head.
"Hmmph. Must've been my imagination."
Pinkie's stomach growled from under her muffin.
Celestia moved over towards the noise, the muffin in the middle. She began poking it, prodding it, before she finally managed to lift it. She peeked under, but didn't see anything at all.
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE GUYS!" Joe cried out from under his muffin. He madly threw it off, hitting Celestia in the side with it, and made a beeline straight for the closed doors. He bowled past the guards, and banged on the door, screaming, "Open up! Help! Somepony help us!"
Pinkie and Derpy could only stare on like fishes from under their disguises.
"NONBELIEVER!" accused Celestia, who'd been joined by Luna. "Guards! Seize him!"
The guards surrounded Joe, preparing to pounce. Joe looked around frantically looking for a way out. He saw no such opportunity. Right before they moved in, Joe reached into his pocket and pulled out Muffin.
"Stay back! Me is armed!" He shouted, waving Muffin about like a flaming torch. The guards immediately backed away and bowed in submission, saying, "Muffin."
"YOU DARE HOLD SUPREME OVERLORD MUFFIN? YOU SHALL SUFFER FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSION!" shouted Celestia and Luna. Their horns glowed and they both shot a magical blast at Joe. Joe quickly dodged the attack, keeping Muffin firmly held. The blast collided with the heavy throne room doors and knocked them off their ancient hinges. The nearby ponies scrambled to get away from the danger.
"Derpy! Now's our chance! Let's beat it!"
Pinkie and Derpy removed their disguises and threw them, managing to cover Celestia's and Luna's faces. They galloped full speed to meet Joe by the fallen doors.
"What now?" asked Derpy.
"I dunno!" Pinkie panicked. "We're in serious trouble here!"
At that point, the princesses had managed to remove the muffins from their faces. They took to the skies and made their way towards the trio.
Derpy took notice. "Joe! Quick! Hand me Muffin!" Joe did as told. "Let's move, guys!"
Derpy led the way, with Pinkie and Joe running behind. The crowd parted before them, bowing as they galloped past.
Celestia and Luna landed ahead of them, cutting them off.
"I'm sorry, princess, but you leave me no choice!" Pinkie shouted as she threw a spinach cupcake at Celestia's face. She cried out in pain, sinking to the ground momentarily. Joe threw a brussel sprout donut at Luna, which had no effect.
"I LIKE BRUSSEL SPROUTS!" Luna shouted.
"Run!" Derpy cried as she took off in a new direction. Pinkie had managed to buy them some time: Luna paused to help her sister recover.
"This isn't going to work!" panted Pinkie as they ran. "They can literally sniff us out; we can't hide!"
"That don't mean we stop running!" Joe argued.
They soon met a dead end. The nearby ponies scuttled away as the princesses landed behind them.
"Nowhere to run now, my little muffins!" laughed a crazed Celestia. There was a green stain on her coat left behind by the spinach.
Pinkie threw another cupcake. Celestia caught it in her magical grasp and redirected it.
"I'm hit!" Pinkie cried out, falling down as she clutched her chest.
"Pinkie!" cried Derpy and Joe. The princesses watched in twisted amusement as Derpy rushed to find a sugar packet for Pinkie. She managed to do so, and poured it over the wound.
"Surrender now, and your suffering shall be quick," said Luna. "Resist any further, and I shall personally torture you all myself."
"Psst, Derpy. Hand me muffin," Pinkie whispered, trying not to move her mouth. Derpy did as asked. In a flash, Pinkie placed Muffin on the ground next to her, whipped out her party cannon, and aimed it straight at Muffin.
"Don't move, or crusty boy gets fried!" She threatened.
Luna and Celestia sank to the ground momentarily, shocked at the turn of events. Celestia then smiled as she stood back up and levitated Muffin towards her.
"Cheater!" Pinkie cried.
Joe's horn lit up as he wrestled Celestia's magic for the muffin. Luna's horn lit up, as she attempted to join in and assist Celestia.
"Not on my watch!" Derpy shouted as she fearlessly tackled Luna to the ground. Her effort was futile, as Celestia easily overpowered Joe. She pumped her powerful wings, leaving the ground in a flash.
Luna threw Derpy off. She shouted above towards her sister. "Return Supreme Overlord Muffin to his pedestal, sister. I shall handle these savages!"
Celestia nodded and slowly began flying away.
By the time she looked down, Pinkie had her party cannon aimed straight at her. The fuse was already lit.
"Fire!"
A sticky bubblegum net launched straight at Luna, who'd been caught by surprise. The net caught her and stuck her against the building behind her. Her horn glowed as she attempted to pry off the substance, but it was too tough.
"Sister! I need help!" Luna screamed, thrashing about.
Celestia turned around mid-flight, a panicked look on her face. She was by Luna's side in seconds.
"Sister! Don't worry, I'll get you out of her. The heretics shall pay." She said as her horn started to glow.
"Look out!" Luna cried.
Celestia turned around, but like Luna, was too late. She too was struck by a ridiculously sticky bubblegum net. She dropped Muffin as she flew backwards, becoming entangled with Luna in a big, pink mess. They both thrashed about, completely helpless.
"We did it!" Pinkie cheered, throwing confetti as Derpy picked up Muffin and gave him a big kiss.
"Oh Muffin… I missed you so much… I can't wait to take you home so we can get back to a normal, happy life. Hmm… what's that Muffin?"
Derpy paused and placed her ear towards Muffin, laughing and laughing.
"Oh Muffin, you don't need to tell me that," Derpy giggled. "I know how much you love me."
"Don't forget me! I helped!" Pinkie butted in.
"Me three! Me three!" said Joe.
Derpy laughed as her friends crowded around her and Muffin, laughing and cheering.
"Let's get outta here and go home, we still have to wait until this situation's over," said Derpy.
"I'll throw us a Welcome Back Muffin party!" said Pinkie.
"I'll bring lots o' doughnuts!" Joe added in. "I bring board games too!"
As they turned to go, a sizzling noise could be heard behind them.
"What's that?" Pinkie inquired as she turned around.
They turned and gaped at Celestia. Her coat was glowing a very bright white. Heat waves could be seen around her as the bubblegum holding her in place melted. She broke free, and so did Luna, their prison having completely melted away.
"Now, where were we?" Celestia grinned. "I was enjoying this little game before…but now I'm just getting angry!"
"No! Me thought we finished this! Joe cried, falling on his backside and scrambling backwards.
"Muffin… I love you," said Derpy as the trio backed away. "What's that? You want to talk? I can't right now, Muffin, we're about to be turned into mush."
"D-does he have a plan?" Pinkie stuttered as she reached for her cannon. Celestia grabbed said cannon in her magic, crumpled it, and tossed it to the side, where it landed in a garbage bin.
"If we make it through this, Muffin, we're going to have a serious talk about the right place and the right time for things," Derpy said to Muffin, still backing away. She held him towards his ear, and listened to what he had to tell her. A few seconds later, she gasped, looking at Muffin like he was crazy. Her breathing became ragged, and tears were in her eyes. "No… NO! M-muffin… I can't… I-I can't do that!"
"What's wrong?" Pinkie asked.
"Muffin, I can't do that! I love you! You're like my child…" Tears were streaming down Derpy's face at this point.
"How cute, the heretic believes she is worthy of hearing Supreme Overlord's sacred words," commented a snickering Luna.
The trio backed into a wall.
"Me can't die! Me haven't kissed a mare yet!" Joe complained.
Derpy held Muffin to her head one last time. She sighed, and nodded her head in resignation. She wiped her tears, then gave Muffin one final kiss, and a warm embrace.
"Derpy… what are you thinking?"
"Trust me on this, guys," Derpy said to Joe and Pinkie. "Just go along with it." They nodded to show their understanding.
The princesses grinned as their horns began to glow, prepping a powerful spell.
"Any last words, my little soon-to-be-dead muffins?" Celestia mocked, her eye twitching like crazy.
"Yes!" Derpy cried. "We surrender! You can have Muffin!"
The glowing died down. "It is good that you saw reason," said Luna. "We shall reward your compliance: Instead of being killed, we shall imprison you three together for life in the dungeons."
"Derpy? What are you doing?" Pinkie panicked.
"Shhh! Remember what I said earlier?" Derpy reminded her.
"Your friend has accepted her fate," said Celestia. "I suggest you do the same."
Derpy held out Muffin in her hoof. Celestia grinned victoriously, and began moving her hoof to take it.
In a flash, Derpy retracted her hoof and took a huge bite out of Muffin. The princesses' jaws dropped comically.
"HOLY GUACA—" Derpy interrupted Pinkie by shoving another huge bite into Pinkie's mouth. She did the same to Joe. The three of them had completely finished Muffin.
The princesses' eyes watched on as a crumb fell from Derpy's mouth, and onto the ground. She maintained a solemn expression all the while.
"Deeeelicous!" shouted Joe after he swallowed Muffin, wiping his mouth clean with a smile.
"Joe, we just ate Muffin," Pinkie said matter-of-factly.
"Whoops, sorry," he grinned. "He was really tasty though!" Pinkie smiled and shook her head. Derpy flashed a little smile too, unable to resist.
The princesses continued to stare on for a few seconds before Celestia shook her head and regained composure. "Y-you three… ate him. You ate our Supreme Overlord…"
"What do we do, sister?" asked a baffled Luna.
"I… I must consult the holy scriptures," replied Celestia. She reached into her mane and pulled out a dark, black book. It was filled with her ramblings, praises and startling revelations about Muffin, which she'd began writing after she was afflicted. Luna peeked over her shoulder.
"Um, should we go?" asked Pinkie.
"It's the only thing we can do… so I guess we should," answered Derpy.
They slowly turned around and began tiphoofing away.
"We're not done with you three, don't move," warned Luna, her horn glowing threateningly.
They gulped and slowly turned back around.
"Here," said Celestia, gesturing for Luna to read, "chapter five, verse two, lines twenty two through twenty five."
Luna read slowly. "Muffin does not die, for he is Muffin. His glory shall not be ruined, his flame shall not wither, his spirit will not be broken. Though his crust may be damaged or faded, he will persevere. He is Muffin. Muffin is Supreme Overlord. Muffin is life." She finished reading. "So what does this mean, sister?"
"It means, Luna, that Muffin has not perished; he lives on! His will shall be carried out through the vessels which he now embodies! For his glory shall not be ruined, his flame shall not wither, and his spirit will not be broken!"
"I can't believe we didn't realize it sooner… He lives! Oh sister, this is wonderful news!" They hugged each other tightly, crying tears of joy.
"What just happened?" asked Pinkie.
"Supreme Overlord Derpy requests more muffins!" said Derpy. "I demand every single flavor possible! Am I understood?"
"At once, my overlord!" said Celestia, bowing and trotting off
"Oh! Luna, fetch me some chocolate muffins please," said Pinkie.
"Yes! Of course, my overlord."
"This is amazing!" Joe exclaimed from his throne.
"I know right?" laughed Pinkie from her own throne. "Who knew that we would end up becoming overlords?"
"I certainly didn't," answered Derpy from her throne, in-between Pinkie and Joe. "I'm not complaining though."
The three of them were seated outside on an elevated platform in Canterlot Square, each with their own throne and a muffin on their heads. Ponies were still arriving from the city's outskirts. However, with the princesses free from Muffin's effects, they were guaranteed to return to normal, which, in turn, would cure the rest of the ponies.
It would take awhile though, which is why the new Supreme Overlords have decided to enjoy their temporary reign.
"What's the greatest food in the world?" Derpy shouted to the endless crowd.
"MUFFIN!" chorused the crowd.
"Yes, yes, muffins are absolutely delicious," agreed Pinkie, nodding her head. "But let's show cupcakes some love! Come on everypony!" She waved her hooves towards the crowd.
"MUFFIN!"
"Wow, Joe was right," grunted Pinkie, "there is no equality here."
A few minutes passed by in comfortable silence, the only noise being the steady chants of the crowd.
"Ya know, me think the princesses were right," Joe said suddenly.
"Hmm? What do you mean?" asked Derpy. She and Pinkie turned towards Joe, curious.
"Me feel like Muffin isn't really gone," he said, smiling, "He really does live on in us, in our hearts. Just like princesses said." He emphasized his point by placing a hoof over his chest.
"You're absolutely right, Joe," replied Derpy, a wide grin on her face, "though Muffin is gone, his memory isn't. I still miss him. We all miss him."
"He doesn't just live on in our hearts, but our stomachs too!" laughed Pinkie.
The three of them laughed together. Three Supreme Overlords in a sea of mindless bodies.
