Tension filled the large bedroom in which three ponies stood. The stallion of the three, blocked exit with his massive frame, an angry scowl plastered across his usually friendly muzzle. The pink mare stood poised in a fighting stance with her front hooves in the air, ready to bounce into action at the first signs of trouble. The grey mare firmly cradled a muffin to her chest.
"Shh, it's alright Muffin. Mommy is here now," she whispered.
The only sounds which served to break the tense atmosphere, were the drip-drip of a shower head, and the bubbling of Pinkie's pipe. Somepony was going to have to make the first move, but who?
"I say one more," Joe growled, "give Muffin here, or I take!"
"Muffin belongs to us!" Pinkie countered. "You have no right to keep him locked away from his rightful owner!"
As the two held a verbal sparring match, Derpy did some thinking. "When Twilight took a bite of Muffin, she went crazy! But only for a short while. She snapped out of it when I snatched Muffin from her. Same thing with the guard. He went crazy, but returned to normal after I took Muffin from him. Why isn't Joe returning to normal now that we've taken Muffin back?"
Derpy was interrupted from her thoughts by Joe's sudden outburst. "You take back now!"
"Only if you take back what you said about my mane," Pinkie snapped. "Don't insult my do, especially since I know kung-fu!"
"Have your way," Joe answered as he reached into his pocket. "Since you no give Muffin, I use... force!"
With practiced precision, Joe launched a fusillade of jelly muffins straight at Pinkie. She kart-wheeled to the right, narrowly dodging each one of them. They collided against the wall with a fruit-flavored splat.
"Ha! Is that the best you can do?" Pinkie mocked as she reached into her mane. "Two can play this game!"
Pinkie countered Joe's assault with a barrage of cupcakes. Joe made a mad dash for cover behind the table. He cried out in agony as one of the cupcakes struck him in the side. As he took cover, he checked his injuries.
"Ahh it burns! What you put in this!?" he hissed.
Pinkie playfully smirked. "Raisins!"
Joe's spine tingled in fear. This would be a risky battle.
"Just let us go, Joe!" Derpy pleaded. "No pony needs to be hurt today!"
"Never!" protested Joe.
"Fine! Have it your way!" Derpy answered. "Either way, we're leaving with Muffin!"
Joe was fuming at this point. Who did they think they were? No one threatens his muffin and gets away with it!
"Take this!" shouted Joe, as he blindly threw a spinach muffin over the table. Luck was on his side; the muffin struck Pinkie square in the chest.
"I'm hit! I'm hit!" she cried, falling onto the wooden floor, "Leafy green vegetables! It burns!"
Derpy tied Muffin to her head with a string and sprung into action.
"We need to get to cover, Pinkie!" Derpy said as she dragged the nearby wardrobe over, shielding herself and Pinkie before Joe had a chance to attack again.
"Quick.. get the first aid kit from... my mane," wheezed Pinkie.
Derpy gave a sharp salute as she dove into Pinkie's mane. She retrieved the first aid kit, opened it and grabbed the sugar pack. Derpy carefully poured the sugar over the area where the vegetable muffin had struck Pinkie.
"Ahh... much better. Thank you my lowly assistant."
"You're welcome Pinkie, but how are we gonna get outta here?"
"We need to subdue Joe somehow. Those muffins he has are dangerous stuff! Once we beat him, he'll most likely have something to override the locked door."
The two mares were interrupted when another muffin landed between them. This one was a sickly green and had a fuse attached to it.
"Asparagus muffin!" shouted Pinkie.
With little time to spare, the duo vaulted over the table, escaping the nutrient rich asparagus bomb. However, this left them vulnerable to Joe. He had taken the opportunity to plan out his attack, and now had them right where he wanted them.
"Didn't mother tell eat vegetables!?" Joe maniacally laughed as he launched a hail of vegetable muffins at the two mares.
"Evasive maneuvers!"
The two weaved their way through the incoming baked goods of doom. Pinkie tore the nearby curtains and shielded herself and Derpy with it.
"Return fire!" Pinkie yelled.
Both Pinkie and Derpy launched a counterattack. Pinkie threw her ever so deadly raisin muffins while Derpy tossed her home-made macaroni muffins.
The mares slowly gained ground, Joe floated the couch with him as he fell back. Soon, he was cornered, as well as out of ammo. A stray macaroni muffin found itself on Joe's face.
"Oh the agony!" he screamed, desperately trying to scrape the muffin off of his face. Injured, exhausted and all out of ammo. Joe pondered his next course of action.
There was only one sensible thing left to do...
"You'll never take me alive!" Joe yelled as he dashed towards Derpy, intent on grabbing Muffin. Unfortunately for him, he didn't notice the rump-shaped hole in the floor.
Joe's hoof struck the hole, causing him to stumble and plummet forward. His horn got caught in the floorboards, leaving him in a questionable position. Pinkie took the new found opportunity to grab the door's key from Joe's pocket. He growled and wildly flailed his hooves in protest.
"Well, I think this mystery has been solved!" Pinkie bragged, puffing on her pipe.
"No! Give muffin! Mine!" Joe protested.
"Pinkie," Derpy sighed, "I think that Muffin made Joe turn crazy. He hasn't returned to normal even though we've taken Muffin back."
"Well. that would explain his funny way of talking."
"Pinkie, why does everyone go crazy whenever they bite Muffin?" Derpy asked as she gazed at Muffin.
"I guess you should know since he is yours. Derpy, I put a very special ingredient into Muffin. It's an ingredient so delicious, so delectable, so positively scrumptious, that only a few ponies are able to withstand it's flavor assault."
"Wouldn't that be kind of dangerous?"
"Yes, it might be. That's why I asked you to not share Muffin. I also didn't expect you to decide to keep him forever. But that's okay if you want to. Personally, I like seeing Muffin everyday. However, if you're going to keep Muffin for a long time, it's best that you keep him closely guarded. Look at what Muffin has done to Joe! He's taken too many bites and now he's gone super crazy!"
Pinkie and Derpy took a glance at Joe, who was feverishly working to dislodge his horn.
"Me no crazy! Me is okay!" he argued, spittle flying from his mouth.
"Maybe we should take Joe to a specialist?" Derpy suggested.
"We should take him to Twilight. She's positively the smartest pony ever! She'll have Joe back to normal before you can say chimicherrychanga!"
"Chimicherrychanga! Now me is normal, you give Muffin now!"
"Your twisted logic won't work on us!" Derpy proclaimed.
"But, one question remains..." Pinkie realized.
"What is it?"
"How are we going to carry him?"
"Mmmmmf! Mmmmf! Mmmmmmmm!"
"Oh would you calm down?" Derpy pleaded.
"Mmm mmm!" Joe mumbled through his gag as he tried to undo his bindings. His efforts proved fruitless, however, he was completely at the mercy of his captors.
"Don't worry, Joe, we'll have you right as rain in no time at all!" Pinkie chimed, doing her best to calm Joe down.
"He better get back to normal soon," Derpy added as she stroked Muffin, "I don't want him sneaking into my house again anytime soon."
"How are you managing back there, Big Mac?" asked Pinkie. "Can you go on for just a teensy weensy bit longer?"
"Eeyup!" Big Mac managed to choke out as he struggled to carry Joe on his back.
"Are you sure? It looks like you're having a hard time." Derpy observed.
"He ain't exactly... the lightest of stallions," Big Mac replied, earning a snort from Joe
"We're almost at the library," Pinkie pointed out.
As the group made their way towards the library, ponies couldn't help but stare. It wasn't everyday that you saw such an odd sight. Why in the world was Joe tied up and being carried around like an infant? Why did Derpy have a half eaten muffin tied to her head? Why was Pinkie wearing a detective hat?
All of a sudden, Big Mac collapsed, sending Joe face first into the dirt road. "Boy really needs to lay off those doughnuts," he panted.
"Mmmmmph!" Joe groaned in pain.
With the help of both Pinkie and Derpy, Big Mac managed to replace Joe on his back and continue the trek to the library.
"Almost there!"
Pinkie bounce-slammed through the library's front door, opening it for Derpy and Big Mac. Big Mac made a beeline for the nearest surface to dump Joe upon.
He grunted as he allowed Joe to slid off of his back and into the nearby couch which creaked in protest to the sudden weight.
"Eeeyup..." he sighed in relief.
The sound of hoof steps from upstairs caught everyone's attention. "Pinkie, you do know that the door has a knob, right?" Twilight asked, raising her eyebrow. "Why don't you try using it sometime?"
"But bouncing through is soooo much fun!" Pinkie replied.
"As well as crashing through the window!" Derpy added.
"I see. Well, what can I do for you guys? And why is Big Mac here?"
"He helped us carry Joe over here," Derpy clarified, "he was too heavy for us to carry by ourselves after we caught him."
"Come again?" Twilight asked. "You two caught Joe?"
"We sure did Twilight!" said Pinkie. "We even managed to get Muffin back!"
Derpy pointed to Muffin, sitting comfortably atop her head.
"It was a risky battle, but we triumphed in the end," Pinkie declared, striking a victory pose with Derpy.
Big Mac interrupted with a cough.
"Oh that's right!" Pinkie suddenly remembered. She fished around in her mane for a few second before pulling out an apple cupcake. "It's all yours, big guy! Thanks for your help."
"Thank ya kindly, Miss Pinkie," he managed to say whilst holding the cupcake in his mouth. He exited the library, leaving the three mares and an unhappy stallion behind.
Usually, Joe would be delighted to find himself tied up, gagged and all alone in the presence of three beautiful mares. Then again, Joe wasn't in his right mind. His horn lit up as he secretly worked to undo his restraints.
"So, you've caught Joe and gotten your muffin back," Twilight observed. "What made you decide to bring him to my library rather than the guards?"
"Joe's gone cuckoo for muffins!" answered Derpy.
"What do you mean by... cuckoo for muffins?" Twilight asked, face scrunching up in curiosity.
"Maybe you should took a look for yourself, Twilight," Pinkie replied.
The trio trotted over to the couch where Big Mac had deposited Joe.
"Where is he?"
"I could've sworn that Big Mac left him right here," Pinkie said.
In a flash, Joe pounced from behind the couch, intent on snatching Muffin from Derpy.
"Muffin!" he shouted, his battle cry echoing throughout the library.
With lightning quick reflexes, Twilight zapped Joe with her magic. He instantly fell asleep, face slamming into the wooden floor.
"Ok," Twilight panted from the sudden exertion, "I can see your point."
"So, Twilight, could you take a look at Joe for us? Maybe you can fix him with your magic?" Derpy pleaded. "I don't want him coming after me again anytime soon. Muffin's going to need some time to readjust after being kidnapped for so long."
"Alright, I'll take a look at him. I'll need to get a few things first though, could you two get Joe on the couch while I go upstairs real quick?
"Okey dokey lokey!"
Twilight trotted upstairs, leaving the two mares temporarily. They both glanced at Joe's unconscious form.
"So," Derpy began, prodding Joe with a hoof, "how are we going to move him exactly?"
"I'll grab one end, you grab the other," Pinkie instructed.
Both mares took their positions. On the count of three they lifted with all their might. Unfortunately for them, Joe didn't even budge.
"How in the world did Big Mac even manage to carry him?" Derpy panted.
Twilight levitated with her a notepad and a quill, ready to jot down notes. Her mane was tied into a bun and a pair of glasses were perched upon her muzzle, giving her a very professional look. She noticed that poor Joe was still laying upon the hard wood floor.
"Couldn't move him?" she asked.
"He's too heavy!" Pinkie whined.
Twilight placed her materials on the table. Focusing her magic, she attempted to levitate Joe into the air and on the couch.
She couldn't move him.
"Wha... wha... what?" Twilight huffed. "He's the heaviest thing in the world! I'm surprised Big Mac even managed to lift him in the first place!"
"So what now?" Derpy inquired.
"Well, I guess I'll just have to examine him while he's knocked out on the floor! Simple as that."
"Poor Joe," Pinkie sighed.
"I'm going to be performing several examinations which may take awhile. Perhaps you two should leave and come back later?"
"I'll stay," Derpy answered, voice taking on a sad tone, "I feel like this was sorta my fault you know, since I was the one who let him get Muffin in the first place."
A tear threatened to roll down from Derpy's eye. Pinkie took notice and immediately gave it a death glare, causing it to shrivel into nonexistence. "No it's not Derpy," she declared. "Joe was the one who got greedy and snatched Muffin in the first place. If he wasn't such a meanie pants, none of these would have happened!"
"She's right, Derpy. This isn't your fault in the slightest. Dont feel so negative."
Derpy smiled. "Ok, I feel better now. Thanks guys."
"Hey! That's what friends are for silly!" Pinkie giggled. "Hey, I have an idea!"
"And what would that be, Pinkie?" Twilight asked.
"Group hug!"
Pinkie's hooves stretched out to a physically impossible degree, grabbing both Derpy and Twilight and pulling them into a fierce hug. Both victims laughed and warmly returned the gesture.
"Alright, I need to go now. The Cakes are gonna need my help to tidy up the store later. Be sure to let me know how Joe's doing!"
"Gotcha!" Derpy responded.
"See ya later Pinkie!" Twilight smiled.
Pinkie bounced her way to the exit, but not before spinning around in mid air to make one final statement.
"I, Master Detective Pinkie Pie, officially announce this case closed! Also, I hereby promote Derpy Hooves to assistant, which is one rank higher than lowly assistant."
On that note, Pinkie removed her hat and stashed it into her mane, bouncing out of the store. "Oh boy I've always wanted to say that!" she exclaimed as she faded into the distance.
"She sure is something isn't she?" Twilight laughed. "So, are you going to stay here and watch?"
"Yeah, I'll stay."
"Yes!" Twilight cheered. "I've always wanted to have an audience while I perform my tests. Usually Spike would keep me company, but he's off in the Crystal Empire with Cadence and Shining for a short while."
"I'll be happy to watch!" stated Derpy. "Let's get started!"
"Of course! Have a seat in the couch."
Twilight pulled up her own chair as she levitated the notepad and quill towards her. She readied her magic to perform a thorough psychiatric examination.
"Alright. I'm going to perform what's known as a—"
Derpy cuddled with Muffin as she slept, Twilight effectively boring her to sleep in ten seconds flat. All in all, it was a truly adorable sight. As Derpy snored, Twilight carried on, blissfully unaware of her dead audience as she recited facts about the pony's brain, and how it could be explored through the application of modern day magic and medicine.
Six hours later
"And we're done!" exclaimed Twilight. "How did you enjoy the live demonstration, Derpy?"
"Huh?" Derpy jolted awake, nose bubble popping. "It... was great! Awesome!"
"That's a relief," Twilight sighed, "I was hoping that I didn't bore you to sleep."
"Nope, not at all!" Derpy assured her. "So, how's Joe doing?"
"Based off of my examinations of Joe's psyche, he appears to be in some sort of trance. I'm not sure what may have caused this condition. If I were to guess, I would say it was caused by some sort of ingredient or chemical."
"You're right about that," Derpy confirmed, "Joe went crazy because he took a bite of Muffin here."
Derpy handed Muffin over to Twilight so she could take a look at it.
"Say, this is the same muffin I bit earlier, isn't it?"
"It is. You too went crazy after you bit it, but you went back to normal after I took Muffin from you."
"So, that's what happened to me on that day," Twilight realized. She gazed at the half-eaten muffin in her hoof. "Derpy, you really should be careful with this thing you know. I now know what Pinkie put in it, despite my warning her against using it. If I were you, I'd eat this thing before it caused more damage. In fact, I don't see why I shouldn't get rid of it right now."
"No!" Derpy yelled, snatching Muffin back from Twilight's hooves. "Don't worry Twilight, Muffin here isn't leaving my side ever again."
"I hope so. Anyway, let's get back to talking about Joe. He'll need some time to return to normal. Overexposure to the ingredient has boggled his mind a bit. I'd say that Joe's taken about three or four bites of the muffin based on the amount of the ingredient present in his bloodstream."
Derpy gasped, "Three or four whole bites!? That's awful!" She gave Muffin a comforting kiss in an effort to ease his pain.
"I'm afraid so Derpy," Twilight acknowledged. "Joe will be fine in about a week as long as he isn't exposed to the ingredient again. Hopefully he'll be able to get back to work soon, I sure do miss his doughnuts!" Twilight smacked her lips in her approval.
"It's too bad this all even happened in the first place," Derpy fretted. She trotted over to Joe and poked him with a hoof. "Why'd you have to be so greedy? Huh?" she teased.
"I'm sure he's learned his lesson Derpy."
"It's getting late," Derpy pointed out, "what are we going to do with Joe?"
"You should report this to the guards. Hopefully they'll be able to carry him to the hospital where he can recover."
"No! Muffins good! Hospital bad" Joe blurted, suddenly awakening.
"Yup, you're definitely going to the hospital."
Derpy had reported the incident to the guards, who were quite shocked to hear that a theft had occurred. Equestria was supposed to be peaceful after all. After Derpy had filled out some paperwork concerning the crime, Bronze Wing had been sent to retrieve Joe from the library and escort him to the hospital for recovery. He'd been unable to carry Joe and had to call for assistance. It had taken three additional guards to successfully restrain and carry Joe to the hospital. They dropped him off on the hospital bed which had been reserved for him.
Derpy had accompanied them all the way. She sat in the room with a tranquilized Joe.
"I hope you've learned you lesson Mr. Joe. Nobody messes with Muffin and I!" she boasted, waving Muffin in front of Joe's face to add insult to injury. Joe rolled his eyes in response. "You be good, once you're all better, maybe we can hang out sometime. I'll be sure to visit you often."
On that note, Derpy left the room with her beloved Muffin, who wouldn't be leaving her sight for a long time.
Joe watched in misery as the object of his affection was carried away.
"Me sorry," he managed to mumble through the numbness.
Princess Celestia and Princess Luna both sat at their thrones in the throne room, the methodical rustling of paper serving as background ambience. Their horns glowed with magic as they magically went through a pile of papers, detailing any incidents in the kingdom. It was their responsibility to know about any occurrences within Equestria.
"Look sister," Luna said, reading a paper, "there has been a dance off between the ponies and the buffalo in Appleoosa.
"How interesting," Celesita quipped.
"Why must thou be so, dear sister? Tis a good thing that our kingdom is so peaceful! Things were much, much worse in the previous millennium."
"They were, which is why things weren't so boring," Celestia sighed and brushed her mane out of her face, "I think I can see why Discord wanted to cause a bit of chaos in this dull place."
"Point taken," acknowledged Luna.
"Hmm, what's this?" Celestia asked, her interest piqued by the text on the paper. "There's been a theft in Ponyville? Why it's been years since the last theft! Finally a little bit of mischief!"
"Don't become so excited sister, tis merely a petty theft, nothing special."
"I know, I know. At least now I have an excuse to visit Twilight and her friends for a short while, escape this cumbersome work. I'll go there, teach the criminal a lesson, visit Twilight quick, then return to the castle."
"Very well, sister. We shall hold down the fort in thine absence."