Space has been the final frontier for generations. Since the discovery of Elium, hidden beneath layers of Equestria, technology reached its complexity. This mineral formed the basis for Equestria’s economy until a sudden shortage crumbled it all. For years, The SS Pegasus has traveled, discovering and dismantling the precious minerals locked away in lifeless planets caked in rock; while Elium scarcely flowed. Most of Elium’s properties remained hidden under its crusty golden shine. Though, research began to delve further into this rock of gold, but research on this rock has been upheld, due to an explosion in the leading research ship: The Manehatten.
Chapters (1)
Not much to go on as of yet but it looks interesting to say the least.
Youuur description needs a rewrite. I would say it doesn't flow well. Interesting besides that, I love me some sci fi! Love the premise. Needs better presentation though, as I said.
Don't know why this is getting downvoted. Have an upvote.
2144730
I don't know specifically why others have down voted my story, but I'm may have an idea why. I hope you didn't up vote out of sympathy for this piece of work I pulled out of my ass.
2143021
Yes... I re-read it and noticed how one thing jumped to the next. I know I could do better, but for some reason I failed. I believe its the lack of experience I have making fics, and writing in general. I'll have to edit when I get some time, thanks.
2142964
Yup, I see what you mean. Too slow, and the description is crowding up the plot I some how devised.
Sorry I couldn't comment sooner. Friends, School, Friends and video games have been controlling my life lately. I'll be sure to update this as soon as possible now that I have time.
Until then.
Huh, I rather like this! Seems like a Dead Space fic, somehow. I seriously hope you plan on continuing this; on a sidenote, the writing is rather like mine -- dramatic and detailed.
Just one thing: it's sabotage, not sabatash.
2205887 No, I genuinely think this is pretty good.
2206481
Thanks, Delvius. But I'm trying to stray away from the Dead Space feel. I'm going to add another chapter soon, hopefully this will change the atmosphere. And don't worry, I'll finish this along with Youth's Hillside. I'll also fix that error.
Struggling Authors fic requesting feedback? Not HiE? Excellent, here we go.
Yup, as others have said, the description needs a rewrite. Badly.
Get more general, and trim down the exposition. We don't need to know the look of the mineral, there's some weird phrasing (Layers of Equestria? Is it an onion? Also, 'reached its complexity'? I'm... not sure if that makes sense.), and it leaves you unsure if we're following some wandering spaceship, or we're on a research station.
You repeat 'smog' in two back-to-back sentences in the first paragraph. Use another word. I also have no idea what you mean by 'gassy void'. I half expected there to be some kind of gaping hole in the wall looking out onto a gas giant atmosphere or something. If it's open to space, just use 'void', or 'vacuum', or something.
In fact, I hadn't gotten beyond the second paragraph without noting that you frequently use the completely wrong word for things. Or use descriptors that don't even apply to the sense in use. I could pull dozens of examples. I'm... not sure what to make of that. It isn't a problem I've seen before. I'm not trying to be cruel, but is English not your first language? Or are you relying heavily on a thesaurus to bulk out your prose? Be very careful with those. They provide words that are similar, but they don't always have the same meaning. Stick to ones that you know. There really isn't a big enough benefit to florid prose to outweigh the risk of making it incomprehensible, when your vocabulary can't support it.
Also, for words spelled wrong: adrenaline, debris, sabotage.
You really need to go over this fic with a fine tooth comb. Run it through a grammar and spellcheck. That should help with some of it. Read it to yourself, and reword anything that seems weird, or overly flowery, because that's where most of the problems are.
Other than that, you clearly have an instinct to provide a lot of description, and mood-setting. That's a good thing for a horror fic (which is what I'm assuming this is aiming for). You can't create proper tension without that. Obviously you've put some thought into worldbuilding. The implications of a drugged Dash and economic despair show that you've got a certain feel in mind there. Also good.
You just might want to give it a rewrite/re-edit and lay off the attempt at purple prose. It's not really something you want, anyway.
2222331
, but I'll start somewhere.
Oh hi.
Thanks for taking your time to write this and I see my error.
I have along way to go from what you're telling me.
I'm definitely going to re-write this mess that I made.
I don't know where to start
Thanks for the feedback.
WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO CONTINUE?!?!?!?!?!
quick question whats the shipping of the story
is it SoarinXDash ThunderXShy or what
let me just say
I NEVER AND REPEAT NEVER Read outter space story's
but your story has soarin, rainbow, and thunder lane
which are enough for me to check out plus it says romance I reeeeaaally need to know the shippings so I can continue reading
2431054
Soon.
But most of my time has been invested in improving my writing.
I've been rewritten another story of mine: Here
And so far I'm unsure if I improved or not from the last chapter.
Hopefully I did.
Anyways, I am going to continue with this story and a few more stories I have in mind.
Until then.
2438235
Oki. Doki. Loki!
thanks I just needed to know