• Member Since 2nd Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen 9 hours ago

moonlightmare


T

This is about two kingdoms from Equestria past and how the Slendermane came to be.
An the war that is between these two kingdoms. The royal families of the two kingdoms, one them is from the Kingdom of Night and the other royal family is from the Starlight Kingdom.
Prince Midnight mane from the Night kingdom and princess Starlight was from the Starlight kingdom. By some twisted fate met and fell in love they thought that they would be together forever. But as fate would have it a Tragedy struck..... Prince Midnight mane's former lover Moonbeam read the story and see what happened then and what will happen next.

Chapters (9)
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Comments ( 45 )

Great chapter and for a first story it is quite good!

I am really sorry for what happened to you. :fluttercry:

... I have no words to express how I feel after that... But if I were to find the closest it be....

I'm sorry

8.5/10
spelling errors but............

amazing:pinkiehappy:

2407747 no problem:pinkiehappy:
gonna add this to a group:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

Oh, um wow... You sound an awful lot like a girl in my middle school… she's a redhead, so that didn't help her very much. To this day, I'm the only one(other than her family) that cares about her. But enough about that, great story! Sure there were a few typos but nobody's perfect! Keep going, I'm interested to see where this goes.

Times may seem rough for you at times but let them get you down just pick yourself back up show them that your strong, because I know how it feels to lose someone like that and to get bullied so keep your head up high and just live your life

This was about seven years that this all happened. But not all at once but over those seven years.:eeyup:

Ok really good no VERY GOOD!:pinkiehappy:
spelling mistakes but still very good:pinkiehappy:

some people might dislike the story for spelling mistakes but still very good and I hope to see what comes next:pinkiehappy:

You my friend just made a really good story...

2467098 thanks and please explain so I can better understand.

2467104 Ok....
today my English wasn't very good....:twilightsheepish:

2467112 I mean explain why u think I made good story.

2467135 your story is good because....
well the plot is just amazing
that's all I have to say for now

The story looks fantastic, and while there may be a few spelling errors, those can easily be fixed.

My only issue was the formatting, but that can also be fixed quite easily.

Still, good for your first fic, and can't wait to see what else you have in store :twilightsmile:

2505120 so you read all the chapters I have so far?

Ps. Alone in dark really did happen to me.:raritycry:

2505132 Sorry about that... :fluttercry:

And as for reading them all? I realize now that I read the first 3 before, but didn't read the latest, and forgot to come back and finish.

2505136 I have question could you be....my.....editor if that's ok with you that is?

2505152 I'm actually not that great at editing, but I'll give it a shot sometime this week, alright?

And if I can't do a good job, I'll recommend your story to my personal editor. :twilightsmile:

2505157 ok so should I send some chapters to you or did something else in mind?

2505171 Yeah, send them to me. My email is andrewklingerman@gmail.com

2505175 so do they all need to be fixed?

I don't mean to be mean, but as someone who took a creative writing class in HS and 2 more in pursut of a BA.
Your rhyming technique is severly lacking.
There are no clear meters, you lack the commas that demarcate the end of them. Which is distinctive to Zecora's speech patterns.
Zecora has to rhyme. There is no getting around that fact. She doesn't use the newer rules of poetry.
Robert Frost would be an excellent guide line.
I'd stay away from Edgar Allen Poe, his rhyming technique doesn't mesh with Zecora's cannon speech patterns.

I can't understand why your proof reader missed this.

2606325 that's cause he twevel and I stop sending it to him.

And stuff to do with writing not really good at, and the reason I'm not good at it is because I'm a visual learner . An that is a complex subject that I don't want to explain so go look it up.

An dude I'm a teen

Why doesn't this story have anymore commenters than me?:ajsleepy:

A mish mash of types in the top? 'Teen' 'Sex' and 'Gore' Sounds intense, when I get the time I'll read it, I Pinkie Promise~ (Love Pinkie Pie!):pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:


:pinkiesmile:

you spelt nowhere wrong. besides that chapter 1 is great.also your ryming is terrible.:applecry:

Fix the fucking spelling. Great otherwise!

I LOVE anything to do with Slendermane Slendermane

Is it just me or did the spelling take a nosedive compared to previous chapters?

5914528 I am Going to have these chapters edited

5914528 Could you point out which Chapters need to be redone

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