Applejack has been falling in love with Tomato Seed since they were foals. Now he's come to visit her in Ponyville for two full weeks and Applejack couldn't be more excited. But when Tom meets Rarity, Applejack's biggest fear—that Tom will reject her feelings—takes a turn for the worst.
Nice job, tracking and looking forward to more.
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Thank you!
...Well, at least you used PC correctly instead of just taking the image and using that as the cover.
Wait, where's his cutie mark?
1938664 Cutiemark lost, commencing search...
I got nothing *Hic* to do about that.... *Hic*
Side note: Tracking and reading later, looks interesting.
1938664
It's on there, just hard to see. I just put a bunch of red spots to represent tomato seeds, LOL
Ah, a classic case of country life vs city life, well this is bound to be a bit interesting considering AJ's competitive nature.
hmmm another interesting story to follow, can't wait to see where ya take this.
i wonder how spike will take "tom" being around rarity if she should express any interest in the new colt
Solid writing with my favorite pony in love with an OC. Favorited. Looking forward to the next chapter
Hope you keep working on this. This has great potential. Plus i <3 applejack
Come on AJ, why won't you say anything?
Things may get rough at the Sisterhooves Social
FRIENDZONE INCOMING! ALL UNITS TO BATTLESTATIONS!
I don't know, I would blame some of it on Tom and Rarity. I saw something similar like this and it did not turn out so well.
I'll admit, the first thing that ran through my head was:
"Mane character + dating an OC = DO NOT WANT"
But I'm glad I was wrong. The story leading up to AJ's meeting with Tom in the present is cute and believable. Heck, the moment he appears in the story (Not in a flashback, those don't count) I start liking him already. Helps an old lady with her bags, good with kids. I dunno, I think he's OK.
As for suggestions on improvement, the overall writing style is lacking. It's good that you're focusing on just saying what you mean instead of fluffy purple prose. That's very good. But there isn't much in the way of style. There isn't much to snag the reader's attention. For example:
It tells us a sequence of actions, sure. But it doesn't really set a mood. It just feels flat.
So what do we do?
We can mix it up a bit. Metaphors help. In fact, mixing sentences together can do the trick. Let me show you:
It tells us what we need to know, but it feels more like a school book report, not a story. A book report tells the reader things, but a story gets the reader involved.
These two sentences can be mixed together:
I even threw in a metaphor (the proverbial "heart jumped to my throat"). Boom, the scene becomes more appealing. Note the choice of words: Applejack's heart is "slamming" in her throat. Not "beating", not "thudding." I describe it as a slam because AJ is so nervous, it feels like her own heart is about to burst, thereby "slamming"--while extreme a description--is the best word to use to describe how she's feeling.
I like this story so far.
A breaking heart hides behind a smile.
Applejack's actions don't strike me as all that believable. She WAS setting up the race, though; maybe she could have tried sabotaging it then. Be sneaky.
Always happy to see a glimmer of hope right about now.
It was a short ending, but a happy one :)
yet another masterpiece by a fellow Canadian Brony. wonderfully well done Sir
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You mean Miss :) I am SISTER_mike
319646 er yes i am sorry about my mix up. Forgive me please :). Btw what did you think of my story idea i messaged you
This was great I think there should be a sequel!