Chapter 4
"So lemme get this straight. You were teleported to a magical land, inhabited by ponies, who have wings, and are unicorns, and they live in houses, not stables, houses no less. And now you brought one back with you, and you're in love with her?!? Does anyone see how unbelievably insane you sound?!?" Rory was quite upset about all of this. Why couldn't he have been the one to go to a magic land and bring back a pony who turned out to be incrediably hot? Amy must have known what he was thinking, and slapped him across the face. Oh ya, because he was married.
"In a nutshell, yes. And I do understand how you could be confused by all of this." The Doctor found it difficult to make what he had said make sense.
"Well I think its crazy. You need to take her back to where she came from." It seemed like Rory was the only sensible one in the group.
"I think it's very romantic." Amy seemed to be happy to sit and 'pet' Derpy as she slept curled in the fetal position. After a few muffins, which Amy had put purple food coloring in, Derpy had promptly fallen asleep beside her and had not yet woken up.
"Of course I plan on taking her back, but I agreed to show her our world. Our culture, our food, our lifestyle." The Doctor had already prepared a schedual in his head. First, Buckingham Palace, then-
Rory interupted his planning. "Britian has a mostly meat diet, horses are herbivores. She has such a short attention span, She wouldn't be able to focus on the history and significance of our culture. We shoot things for fun, and if I were you, I wouldn't let her near any sort of firearm." The Doctor saddened. It was true. She had experienced the muffins, which was the only thing she had really cared about. It was time to return her to her home. He couldn`t stay with her, he belonged here, on earth. But he did love her, he realized that now. He was faced with a tough decision, and he hoped he could make the right one.
Derpy and the Doctor waved to Rory and Amy, and stepped into the TARDIS. They stepped out in their pony forms, and Derpy hugged the Doctor. She flexed her wings and flew in a circle, only bumping into three clouds on the way. She flew back down with a smile on her face, but when she saw his expression, her face turned grim and for once in her life, her eyes focused perfectly on the colt she loved.
``So you`re leaving.`` She said, scared and confused. He smiled and shook his head. She then understood. He was sad because he was leaving his friends! He was leaving the only life he had ever known to be with her! The ultimate sacrifice... Derpy`s mind couldn`t quite comprehend the whole situation, but what she did know was that he was staying. ` WOOHOO!!` She yelled, as she picked him up and flew high into the sky. They spun and dived, and she didn`t even crash into any clouds. She spun him around and kissed him full on the muzzle. He was shocked, then closed his eyes, smiled, and melted into the kiss. Finally, everything was perfect...
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yay! happyend!! kinda
what just happened they went from going to earth to being on Equestria way to fast but still good ending
also there is no way in hell he would give his TARDIS to Amy and Rory
1901341
Really? The point is that he would rather be in Equestria with Derpy than be on earth without her. Rory and Amy chose to stay on earth, so they took the TARDIS and left him to be happy with Derpy. Its a love story, deal with it. He made the almost ultimate sacrifice just to be with her.
1903590 I got the point dont worry
1903593
just checkin
Hello there! I'm sorry, I didn't receive a notification that you replied to me. Oh well, now that the story is finished, I can review the entire thing! So that's kind of a bonus. Better late than early in this case! And don't take any of my jokes personally. I'm critiquing the story, not insulting you. It's just the way I do things.
I usually start off with just my basic opinion on the story itself. Whether I enjoyed it or not. So, first impressions: I didn't enjoy it. I'm sorry, but no. Halfway through the first chapter, I had already spotted a lot of problems. And it didn't improve as the story went along.
Onto the actual review then.
Now, the characterisation of Derpy is fine. She's the bubbly, odd pony we know her to be. No problems there. But The Doctor? Oh boy. Have you seen much Doctor Who? If so, you'd know he is a very intelligent person. He can distinguish alternate universes and planets from each other. He may be surprised that he's met a pony with wings once, sure, but he's smart enough to piece together he's in another universe or another planet at least, so he wouldn't keep saying things like 'Ponies don't have wings on Earth!' or 'Ponies aren't that colour on Earth!'. He's seen crazier stuff than a pink pony. Dogs aren't supposed to be missing noses, but The Doctor's seen them. Heck, he's seen Satan himself. He isn't going to decide what is and isn't supposed to happen when it comes to alien species. Besides, his home planet was Gallifrey. Why would he keep comparing things to Earth? He doesn't do that unless he has a human companion.
"The Doctor" is his name. And even without "The Doctor", he still has his Gallifreyan name. So he does really have a name. No need for that line.
And the following line makes no sense when compared to the rest of the story.
This line implies that Amy and Rory are in danger if he cannot waste time to get back to them. As you know, The Doctor is a very urgent and hasty person when the lives of people are in danger, especially more so when he knows them. Why, then, in the name of all that's wibbly wobbly, would he then choose to sit down and have a muffin with a cross eyed stranger? And then go on a nice scenic tour with said stranger?
Erm, yes, Doctor, you actually do have other arrangements. You have to get back to your best friends, remember? You said so yourself. Have you recently been inflicted with ultra-rapid-fast Alzheimer's?
The Doctor's practically a genius. In any picture of Ponyville, you can see houses everywhere, without any sort of stable. Why would The Doctor suddenly forget that he had just taken a tour around a village full of stable-less houses and assume that they lived in stables? Having this line after he had taken the tour and was about to go into Derpy's house makes no sense.
The Doctor only takes people with him that have proven themselves to handle well under stress. He took Rose because she helped save London. He took Martha because she helped save a hospital full of people on the moon. He took Amy because she helped him save the Earth, and Rory because he was stubborn but brave when faced with the prospect of his wife going into danger. He's not going to take a mentally incapacitated alien on a sightseeing trip through time because she gave him two muffins, a place to sleep, and a tour around town. That would possibly cause more dangers to the universe than save. He saw her staring at a smoking toaster as if she couldn't comprehend what's going on, and later he saw her flood a cafe. This is not the type of person/pony you take into a spaceship full of buttons that could kill people if pressed. The Doctor is smart enough to figure that out.
No. That's not how regeneration works. Heck, that's not how a chameleon arch even works. It's not going to change them to a completely new form (not to mention creating matter out of thin air) when they merely step inside. Otherwise The Doctor's other regenerations would have changed back as soon as they stepped back into the TARDIS. And even if it wasn't a regeneration or chameleon arch, at least give us a reason. Otherwise it leaves a plot hole the size of the Grand Canyon in it's wake. The Doctor's a real whiz with this stuff, have him explain some wibbly wobbly stuff that fits with the show's canon and makes sense from a science fiction point of view. He wouldn't leave it unexplained.
They were in the TARDIS this whole time? Well, where was the urgency in that? And he just left them in there by themselves despite the fact that the TARDIS can sometimes malfunction and send them off somewhere without any input? (which has happened before)
And lastly, we have this jimmy rustler:
The Doctor knew Rose Tyler for months. They saved each others lives and had countless memories together. Then they found out that they loved each other! Then they spent more time together, and then BAM! Universal catastrophe! The Doctor has a choice of staying with her, or abandoning her in an alternate dimension while he goes off to do other stuff. He chooses to leave her. After she treks through god-knows-how-many dimensions to find him again and be with he, he is overjoyed that she's with him again. He then DUMPS HER BACK IN THE SAME ALTERNATE DIMENSION.
The Doctor finds a technicolour horse creature with a mental disability. She gives him a few muffins and let's him stay at his place. Then she whips off her sweater and flashes him her chest. "OH MY GOD I'M SO IN LOVE SCREW SAVING THE UNIVERSE I'M GONNA STAY HERE AND LEAVE AMY AND RORY IN A MACHINE THEY DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL SO THEY CAN FLY OFF AND PROBABLY CRASH SOMEWHERE."
Sorry for that rather angry sarcasm, but I had to get that off my chest. This story single-handedly destroys The Doctor's character and leaves it gibbering in a pile of mud. The Doctor knows he can never have a romantic relationship with a creature that isn't a Time Lord because he's virtually immortal. The Doctor would still be young while he's visiting the graves of his great-great-great-grandchildren. That is why romance doesn't work with the Doctor. After coming to this realisation himself, he tries to not get romantically attached to anyone.
If you're going to write a love story make sure that there is a reason that the characters love each other. Love doesn't happen overnight. Love stories don't happen in under 3000 words. There has to be substance. I felt no connection to the characters at all.
And the sad tag is out of place. 'Sad' means that the story will be sad. Not an isolated incident. I assume that The Doctor leaving Amy and Rory was supposed to be sad, but the way you have Derpy smack into clouds and act like she's on crack completely ruins any emotion you set out to form.
The narration was off. In a sad and romantic story, you're supposed to have a serious narrator, otherwise the story seems informal. Serious narrators don't say things like "He was getting good at this whole trotting thing!". Characters do. Reserve stuff like that for character thoughts or dialogue. And if it was meant to be a character thought, put it in italics. This way the reader can distinguish between thoughts and narration without having to reread it.
You also need to show more emotion and description during your story. Your first paragraph is jagged. It doesn't flow. It's a bunch of small sentences that link together with hardly any emotion or description of the environment around her. Having an entire paragraph of statements shot out at me makes me feel like I'm reading a story written by a primary school student. The repeated use of multiple exclamation and question marks don't help, either. It's either one exclamation mark or one question mark. You can't use them together. If someone is shouting a question, have it say " 'Where are you?' shouted John. " or something similar.
But here we have a blessing from the gods: indents. Thank you. Thank you for using them. Most new authors don't use or even have no idea what they are. You've used them correctly along with paragraphing, so you know how to structure a chapter. You just have to work on your characterisation, plot, and lengthening your chapters. I also recommend getting an editor or a prereader. You've got a few misspellings in the story, and many paragraphs could use a touch up to make them flow better. You can find one (or more) here or here.
There's a group on this site called "School For New Writers". They have a bunch of lectures you can read that will help you write better.
I hope my criticism helps you fix this story and become a better writer. Check out those groups I linked and you're almost guaranteed to become a better writer.
May your days be filled with laughter!
~Page Flipper, WRITE's Wacky Jester
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/WRITE01.png
1913120
K thx for the review. I don't watch a lot of Doctor Who, my friend Riley watches it and asked me to write a fanfic involving Derpy and The Doctor. He told me he time-travelled and I watched half of an episode. Noob over here, don't laugh, I'm trying to figure out how to watch episodes of it when it isn't on Canadian Netflix. It used to play on NTV (Newfoundland Televison) but it doesnt anymore. Also I live in Manitoba, and I'm not sure CBC has it, we dont have BBC, and our Internet kinda sucks. But thanks for teaching me something about Doctor Who. (Also, love doesn't need reasons, and I was going to make it sad, but it went the wrong direction and I'm like, I'm not rewritiing the whole fucking story, forget that, and so I forgot to change it by forgetting to edit it.)
unrelated mustache
1914654 Well, at least you're honest. You also didn't dissolve into a flurry of tears and raging excuses. (Which has happened before). That shows you are willing to improve and is a good sign of any aspiring writer!
Ah, I can forgive the Doctor's characterisation. You've only seen half an episode anyway, so it isn't your fault. But I definitely recommend researching any topics you may write about. It helps to be prepared!
And a tip if you want to continue writing romance fics: Love actually does need a reason. Love isn't a whimsical entity that bonds together both unlikely and made-for-each-other couples for little reason. Love is an electrical current in our brains that courses through the limbic system. And because the frontal lobe is what dampens or strengthens our emotions based on logic and reasoning, we're programmed to need a reason to have an emotional attachment to it. Whether it be a childhood memory, or a favour of significance, or personal opinion on something, our brains need reason. Sure, love at first sight can happen, but it isn't really love. They just attract your attention and inspire deep thoughts. Without further interaction, the feeling usually passes, like a teenage crush.
It's all a bunch of scientific babble (something the ninth Doctor would say during one of his more cynical moments), but it means that love requires stimulation, otherwise it'll just burn out. Have your characters go on an adventure or two, chuck in some memorable and emotional moments. Perhaps a romantic dinner that goes horribly wrong yet they stay together? The death of a loved one? Turning down a dream job opportunity? It's up to you.
Oh, and you can get episodes from iTunes or buy seasons off of eBay. Start with the Ninth Doctor (season 1 of the new Doctor Who) and work your way up, otherwise the chronology gets weird. (The Ninth Doctor is also my personal favourite)
I wish you the best of luck with any future stories you may write, Haybales. You have the potential to learn, and while practice doesn't necessarily make perfect, it can make things pretty damn good!
I liked it. Derpy is awesome, and she has someone who cares deeply for her. Add a happy ending in to the equation, and what more could you ask for.
Sorry forgot
HNNNNNGGGGG
THANK YOU!THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!!!!
A nice bittersweet ending...I like it!