Doctor Whooves and Assistant

Doctor Whooves552 stories ·1,803 members

After yet another cataclysmic adventure, the Doctor goes back to his Tardis, only to find it malfunctioning when he attempts to travel to another time period. Instead, he arrives at Equestria, where he is stranded because of the Tardis' continuous malfunctions. One word come to his mind. Pony. He himself is a pony. There is a pony in front of him with crossed eyes. Ponies also have horns and wings. Ponies talk. Pony! Pony! Pony! Find it all in this new episode of Doctor Who!

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Nazkan

Nazkan #1 · Jul 8th, 2012 · · ·

CAPN' Ah can't hold er together! We're approachin' WARP SPEED! Wa need ta slow down capn'
Screw pacing! I have literature!
Capn' noooooooo.

Seriously though, you need to slow down a bit. Usually, I would give you a big fresh review, because I'm kind like that, but today lets skip all that and I'll just point out the things that annoyed me about your chapter, along with several things you can do to improve that.

I've already mentioned pacing. Everything happens much to fast in your story, there's no build up because everything in answered almost instantly and when it isn't the next scene is already playing.
"What are you?" A pony.
"How are you talking?" Everyone talks here.
"Where is everyone?" At the party.
"What historical event is happening?" Summer Celebration.
Now don't take this as you shouldn't answer questions. If you raise a question then you need to answer it sooner or later. All I'm saying is, in my opinion, tone back a bit on how quickly things happen. Leave a little to the imagination.

Which brings me to the next point, you need to describe things more. While you seem to be doing a...a job at it, it still seems lacklustre. The descriptions you do have seem bland and dull. Try to describe things in a little more depth, just a little.
What does Derpy look like? Grey and cross eyed. /sarcasm, brilliant description, surely it tells us everything we need to know about Derpy. It's not like we would be interested in her...mane colour, amount of confusion at materializing blue boxes, physical tiredness, cutie mark, state of dress (I.E. Is she dirty or sweaty?), clothing or lack of clothing and voice. While I'm here let's add smell. I always liked smells. But yea, coat and eyes, all we need to know about what Derpy was doing standing in a field in the first place. /sarcasm off.

You seem to have the characters under good control, so I won't lecture you there.

From one writer to another, I would remove the ending bit. I can understand trying to make it more like Doctor Who by adding the episode summery things at the end, but here's the thing. Those are EPISODE summaries. Inserting them between chapters not only makes no logical sense, but also destroys any tension that may come in future chapters, as well as severely cripple yourself in terms of viable foreshadowing.

All in all, pretty good job, could be better. Spend a little more time on this and make sure that everything flows as well as you want it to, and we may make a good fiction out of this yet. Which I want, because we need more good Doctor Whooves around here.
Aww look, you made me review anyway.
Nazkan

rainbow_shy

rainbow_shy #2 · Jul 8th, 2012 · · ·

I don't think the Doctor would ever release to anyone (or anypony in this case) about the Timelords that calmly. Besides that, this is a pretty good piece you have here. I will continue to go press this little star thingy here, and this little icon of a thump pointing up.

The Random Lord