- Member Since 14th Aug, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 15th, 2021
Starswirls Beard
I'm an avid reader and first time writer of pony fics with a love of clop! Purple horse is best <3
Starswirls Beard
Joined 14th Aug, 2012 ·
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This was different.
...in a good way...
Huh. First I see...
Me likey.
I would like to give some critisim (however you spell the damn word)
The plot premiss is good, although I've read something similar once before, it's still pretty original.
You're story is, for the carriage ride, far too much dialogue, without enough description, I find.
The whole thing feels a bit rushed. I feel like you could have branched it out a bit, maybe given longer, more concise descriptions of the dinning hall, the castle, the sleeping room etc., maybe explained the conversations between the diners, or had more of scene play between dinner and the auction
The sex seen was VERY rushed.
Finally, for the negatives, you need a lot more commas.
I did like the quality of the English, although I'm bad at spotting grammatical errors.
Their wasn't much repetition, which tends to ruin a story easily.
You understand the characters well, despite the cliché kiss-for-lack-of-words.
In conclusion, you're clearly a good writer. All you need at this point is a bit more practice.
Now i remember why i like these two together we need more raridash on here.
1847123>>1847295>>1847407
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed the read.
1847333
I was actually worried that I had too many commas so I ended up taking quite a few out between sentences but I hope I didn't give it a feeling of running on and on without stopping. I am looking for an editor though so that I can get my mistakes cleaned up and make the story smoother. Either way, thank you for the constructive criticism and for reading 
1847387
I know this came out rushed but I found myself two days over the deadline for submission and had to hurry and put the finishing touches on rather quickly. This is only the fourth story I've ever written (my first is a collection of sexty minute pony prompts to get into the habit of writing) so I'm still developing my style and seeing what does/doesn't work. I would like to eventually go back and flush this out more but the holidays have been crazy
awesome story, i really enjoy it, I say you did
RariDash justice in this
"Minecraftian Equine, why would you read this fic?"
>Rainbow Dash
>Spitfire
>Sex
>>Dammit, Rarity(Also I read the comments and actually said aloud, "There was a sex scene?" Dunno how I missed it entirely, even though its only 3 FREAKING PARAGRAPHS! Maybe I'm spoiled by Xenophilia and its Side Stories with their sometimes 10k-word-long sex scenes) IDK, not to bad a fic regardless of my bias against RariDash. Rainbow's bluntness was a bit more pronounced IMHO, though, and the overall pacing was very fast; it left no time for buildup, suspense, or any feelings on the readers' part toward [or against] the characters. So overall I'd call it a decent enough plot, fairly original, but the characterization was a bit off-putting and the sex was WAY too rushed.)
I'll be honest, I wasn't expecting much more out of this fic exchange than some throw-away 1k word story. But you know what they say about expectations. This is pretty darn good. I really wanted to read a good RariDash. Good work.
I love this line. Rainbow Dash through and through.
Really enjoyable! Such a rare paring but this is done with style :p
Keep it up and happy holidays!
I was only a third of the way though and I could just tell that you nailed Rarity's character to a T. But the 'clop' at the end feels a little tacked on. The rest of the story is so heartfelt, that the ending just feels gratuitous. Personally, I'd edit it into a suggestive encounter, sans details, and then downgrade the rating to teen. That way a broader audience can enjoy this fic. Because romance written this well deserves to be out there.
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2010/352/3/e/i__m_just_saiyan_by_xanthestar-d355zvd.jpg
Buck it, that was nice!
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55k bits for a date with sexiest pony? That is worth it ten times over. Nice little story there.
It's a good story and I upvoted it, but the your/you're errors kept pulling me out of what I was reading.
did equ-us delete his page
Choose another ending sentence. Rarity just called Rainbow a whore.