Mastering the elements: the Earth pony chronicles

In order to use the 7th element, he must learn the importance of the other elements before a new evil comes to take over Equestria.
(This is my first fanfic ever and I really hope it's interesting in any way to others. If it gets hated on I understand)

Chapters (15)

Chapter 1 · 5th Dec 2012 · 1,685 words
1,685
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Chapter 2 · 5th Jan 2013 · 1,352 words
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Chapter 3 · 14th Jan 2013 · 1,421 words
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chapter 4 · 17th Jan 2013 · 1,039 words
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Chapter 5 · 21st Jan 2013 · 1,584 words
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Chapter 6 · 26th Jan 2013 · 1,042 words
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Chapter 7 · 31st Jan 2013 · 1,396 words
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Chapter 8 · 10th Feb 2013 · 1,462 words
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Chapter 9 · 6th Mar 2013 · 2,748 words
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Chapter 10 · 31st Mar 2013 · 3,410 words
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Chapter 11 · 29th Apr 2013 · 1,919 words
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Chapter 12 · 24th May 2013 · 2,379 words
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Chapter 13 part 1 · 30th May 2013 · 2,077 words
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Chapter 13 part 2 · 7th Aug 2013 · 1,411 words
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Chapter 13 part 3 · 7th Aug 2013 · 1,521 words
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Comments ( 12 )

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Eriku719

Eriku719 #1 · Dec 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I know there might some errors. but please understand this is my first fanfic. so enjoy the story.

Regidar

Regidar #2 · Dec 5th, 2012 · 2 · · Chapter 1 ·

1742217

but please understand this is my first fanfic.

media.tumblr.com/tumblr_me2adwZhRo1r8b2g1.gif

Irongalley

Irongalley #3 · Dec 5th, 2012 · 3 · · Chapter 1 ·

Oh man, you should get an editor and a pre-reader quick! Before the hordes of fimfiction get here!

You should:

1) Break the text into smaller paragraphs, walls of text are intimidating.
2) Start a new paragraph every time someone speaks or thinks something.
3) Be more in depth when it comes to stuff and characters.
EX:

As one unicorn guard does his patrol he thinks to himself "This is really boring, nothing ever happens in the night, and I wasn't able to drink my coffee today." Then out of nowhere his horn glowed letting him know that something big was about to go down

Instead of this ^ why not:

As the moon slides above the sky, one of the unicorn guards thinks to himself as he patrols the gardens of the royal castle.
"This is really boring... Nothing interesting ever happens during the night shift, and I didn't even get to drink my coffee!" The guard huffed in an annoyed manner and kicked a small pebble across the floor. But, out of nowhere and with no seeming reason, his horn began to glow in alarm, letting him know that something big was about to go down.

4) Longer chapters, definitely longer chapters.

Other than that it's not bad If you need any help feel free to pm me, I'm always glad to help!

1742618

So, we meet again... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_pea.png

Deep Pond

Deep Pond #4 · Dec 5th, 2012 · 2 · · Chapter 1 ·

Hi-ho, Deep Pond, formerly of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.

i284.photobucket.com/albums/ll29/Lord_Talisman/mlfw5283-Fluffle_letsdothis_zps81d6c5cb.jpg

So, this is your first fanfic? Congratulations! Know that I'm not here to hate it or you, but I am here to give you some constructive criticism. I'll be pointing out your mistakes so you can correct them and improve as a writer.

Title
Always capitalize the first word, last word, and all other important words of a title. This usually means everything except "the," "a/an," "of," and the like. In this specific case, your title should read "Mastering the Elements: the Earth Pony Chronicles."

Description
That is a very short description, and it doesn't really tell me much. A new evil? Someone is trying to master a 7th Element? That's all I've got. I'm guessing your OC has to master the hitherto unknown 7th Element of Harmony, which frankly, will not be well-received. 7th Element stories are not uncommon, and they're rarely done well.

You've got the right idea with that description - give the reader a hint of the story, but not enough to spoil anything - but it needs a bit more.

The Story Itself

Okay, let's see what we've got hereOH GOD THE WALL OF TEXT!

Okay. Let's get the basics out of the way first.

New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.

Double-space your paragraphs. Walls of text confuse Rainbow Dash.

Always capitalize proper names and titles, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.

Run-on sentences are bad. As a general rule, you should be able to say the whole sentence out loud without pausing for breath (this is not a hard-and-fast rule, but a guideline). Extremely long sentences feel rushed and breathless.

Thoughts are usually indicated with italics. It makes it much easier to distinguish between dialogue, thoughts, and narrative.

Whenever dialogue ends but the sentence does not, put a comma at the end of the dialogue (always inside the quotation marks). The only exceptions are when it should be an exclamation point or a question mark. Do not capitalize the next word, as it's not the start of a new sentence.

Always write out your numbers. "First," not "1st."

The first . . . chunk . . . of your story looks like this:

It was wonderful night in the canterlot gardens, Luna brought forth a beautiful moon and the royal night guard were on patrol. however, that night would soon become a night to remember for the royal sisters. As one unicorn guard does his patrol he thinks to himself "This is really boring, nothing ever happens in the night, and I wasn't able to drink my coffee today." Then out of nowhere his horn glowed letting him know that something big was about to go down. As he starts walking towards the statues of the gardens, he fines other guard with a glowing horn as well. "You sensed it too?'' the guard said. "yeah." said the other. "you think that was came from that dragon like statue again?" said the previous guard "no... this is something much different." said the second guard. Soon enough the statue of star swirled the bearded was shooting sparks from its horn until it let out one last shot to the ground where a sphere came out and out came the sphere was a stallion. "that stallion looks hurt". said the 1st guard "we should go help him and question him later." "argreed" said the 2nd guard.

It should look like this:

It was wonderful night in the Canterlot Gardens. Luna brought forth a beautiful moon, and the royal Night Guards were on patrol. However, that night would soon become a night to remember for the Royal Sisters.
As one unicorn guard does his patrol he thinks to himself, This is really boring, nothing ever happens in the night, and I wasn't able to drink my coffee today. Then out of nowhere his horn glowed letting him know that something big was about to go down.
As he starts walking towards the statues of the gardens, he fines other guard with a glowing horn as well. "You sensed it too?'' the guard said.
"Yeah," said the other.
"You think that was came from that dragon-like statue again?" said the previous guard.
"No... this is something much different," said the second guard.
Soon enough the statue of Star Swirl the Bearded was shooting sparks from its horn. It let out one last shot to the ground and a sphere came out, and out came the sphere was a stallion.
"That stallion looks hurt," said the first guard. "We should go help him and question him later."
"Agreed" said the second guard.

Punctuation is important. A sentence should end with a period, unless it's a question (then use a question mark) or the speaker is very excited (exclamation point). In rare instances when the speaker is both, use both (properly called an interrobang). When writing dialogue, if the end of the dialogue is not the end of the sentence, replace the period with a comma.

I corrected your grammar and tidied up a little. You also need to work on your description, as right now it's pretty dry. However, I really can't read this and give it a proper going-over until you apply my above suggestions, especially breaking up that enormous wall-o-text.

Good luck and keep writing! Remember, everypony sucks when they start, and there's no shame in that. Recognize your weaknesses and work to overcome them; it's the only way to improve.

Deep Pond, Knight of a Fallen Kingdom

Sagacity

Sagacity #5 · Dec 5th, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

Sagacity here to provide some ⁂context⁂!
Stories about a seventh EoH are usually disliked because they introduce a plot element (heh) that is not consistent with the original material's continuity. In addition, these types of stories often feature self-inserts or overpowered OCs, neither of which make for an enjoyable read. I encourage you to try your hand at writing something we haven't seen before. Readers like novelty and believable situations.
A compliment: your grammar is far better than that of most first-time writers. I like your attitude and hope that you grow and develop as a writer!

Eriku719

Eriku719 #6 · Dec 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I thank you people for the criticism. It will help me remember what not to do in later on in the story. Unfortunately I am limited on the time I can spend on a computer so reediting this chapter seems improbable for me. but still thank you

Lolsternater

Lolsternater #7 · Dec 5th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

If you will have me, then I am more then happy to edit for you.

You can email me it or share on Google docs, either way as long as you are happy.

If you refuse my invitation, than very well. Good luck!

Oh, almost forgot. Email (Also used for Google Docs): darkmoontim@hotmail.com

MetBoy

MetBoy #8 · Dec 5th, 2012 · 1 · · Chapter 1 ·

1743133
You really, REALLY want to make your first chapter as good as you can make it. Readers will judge your entire story based on that first chapter, and aren't likely to keep reading 'in case it gets better later on'

Eriku719