Chapter 1
It was wonderful night in the canterlot gardens, Luna brought forth a beautiful moon and the royal night guard were on patrol. however, that night would soon become a night to remember for the royal sisters. As one unicorn guard does his patrol he thinks to himself "This is really boring, nothing ever happens in the night, and I wasn't able to drink my coffee today."
Then out of nowhere his horn glowed letting him know that something big was about to go down. As he starts walking towards the statues of the gardens, he fines other guard with a glowing horn as well.
"You sensed it too?'' the guard said.
"yeah." said the other.
"you think that was came from that dragon like statue again?" said the previous guard
"no... this is something much different." said the second guard.
Soon enough the statue of star swirled the bearded was shooting sparks from its horn until it let out one last shot to the ground where a sphere came out and out came the sphere was a stallion.
"that stallion looks hurt". said the 1st guard "we should go help him and question him later."
"agreed" said the 2nd guard. As they both came up towards the body, they started both notice odd features on it. At first glance they though it was a earth pony but then as they got closer they found wings and a horn on it.
"What the?" Said first guard in confusion, but the other guard stood there in silence until he finally spoke
"stay here with the stallion I must tell the princess." said the second guard.
"why?" he said to himself as the other left at full gallop. As he runs through the hall,he fines a bedroom door guarded by two more guards. "Let me in, its an emergency." As he entered the bedroom he fines a white princess in her pajamas.
"Your highness I have important news.... The alicorn has returned." this news left Celestia in shock.
Just as she was in her bedroom, she suddenly disappeared with her magic to the gardens to fine the guard with the said alicorn. "My goodness can it really be?" as she took the alicorn from the guard and held the alicorn her hooves, a tear fell from her cheek as she talked to the unconscious stallion "it's been so long, many thought you were dead but me and my sister never gave up on you"
. "Your highness? Who is this stallion? " said the guard.
"An old friend my little pony. I want you to take him to my bedroom and lay him there while I inform my sister." Said the princess.
"Yes your Highness" said the guard as he took the body to the bedroom, princess celestia used her magic to write a letter to her sister and send it. Just as the message was sent, the princess of the night appeared in the same room celestia was in.
"Is what you wrote true my sister? Is sir Erick really here?" Said Luna in both confusion and excitement.
"Yes my dear sister, But you do know what this mean my sister?" Said celestia in a serious tone. Luna then turned serious as well. "The prophecy has shown its first sign."
After a few minutes the alicorn woke up from his rest,but with eyes closed "ugh..my head... what happened?" he said to himself. He the heard a voice "it's o.k. Erick your among safe hooves." Erick then open his eyes more and fines to faces he remebers from his past. "Is this real? Can it actually be?" said the confused alicorn as he was suddenly hugged by both sisters.
"I so happy to see you again." said the older sister.
"Yes, tis truely a wonder moment to my best friend from my foalhood again." said the younger sister with a breaking voice.
As the hug continue Erick thought to himself, "I guess this mean the spell worked star swirl..... thank you for letting me see my friends again." Erick then broke from the hug and said "Perhaps we should continue this in the morning, for now I must rest." he said.
After awhile of walking around he found an old bedroom and opened the door, "I must say they do know how to preserve a bedroom" he said to himself as he entered his old bedroom.
He then laid down on his bed and found a picture next to him, it was a picture of a young filly with her even younger sister and her friend. As he reminse the picture, he started talking to himself again, "I'm glad one them of ponies found me, without them I problely wouldn't even be here." he then went sleep and had a dream of his past.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a warm summer afternoon as a young princess was teaching her sister the basics of unicorn magic. "Now what did we learn today my little sister?" said Celestia.
"Don't turn the wobins into fruit sister." little Luna said in disappointment of herself.
"Now now don't worry sis. one day you'll have magic so powerful, you'll be able to help the ponies of Canterlot
fall asleep." said her sister.
As they were walking home they notice a familar unicorn at the garden. "Mister Star Swirl, what brings you here to the gardens?" said Luna.
"Hello young ones, I was just here because I could've sworn I heard crying and I assumed it was little luna falling down and getting hurt." said the bearded unicorn.
"Hey... I'm a wig filly mister Star swirl." said the little alicorn.
Star Swirl chuckled and pets the filly, "Of course you are Luna, anyways I looked around and I found this little colt right here under my statue." he said as he showed a little alicorn to the sisters.
"This can't be." said Celestia, "I thought only alicorns comes from our family and I never seen him before."
"Well then I guess this mean he's not with you then." Star swirl then turned to the little colt. "So tell me young colt, where are you from?" the colt just responed with a shy look and turned away for the bearded unicorn.
"Do you know where your parents are?" said Celestia. The alicorn was still silent and shook his head no.
"Do you know where you are?" asked Star swirl, but to be responed by another no and a small tear drop falling from the little alicorn's face.
"Could I speak with you for a minute lady tia?" said Star Swirl.
"Yes of course, Luna stay here and don't get near him."
"O.k big sis" said Luna as her sister left her behind
"So what should we do with him?" said the bearded unicorn.
" I don't know, it might be a bad idea to bring a guest, let alone a mysterious alicorn to our palace."said Celestia.
As the older ponies continued to talk the young alicorns were left to do nothing. It took awhile for Luna to break the silence but she soon spoke to him "So....How are you?"
the colt alicorn looked at her in a blank stare. "I.... notice you don't have your cutie mark yet?" he just shruged in response to her question.
"Can..Can I ask you something?" the alicorn shruged again, "Do you know your name?" the alicorn shook his head yes. "Well can you tell me?"
The alicorn soon spoke to Luna
"My name's E*mutters*"
"Huh?"
"Er*mutter*"
"Could you say that again?"
''Erwick" said the alicorn.
"Oh... my name is wuna and it's nice to meet you Erwick." said Luna.
" So then.... can I ask you questions? if you don't feel answering just say pass. o.k?" said luna.
"O.k" said Erick
"Do you remember how you got here?"
"Pass"
"Do you know how your parents look like?"
"Pass"
"Why didn't you answer to my sister or mister Star Swirl?"
"......pass"
And it went on and on. some questions were answers and then the other came back
"O.k Luna it's time to go home." said her sister.
"But what about Erwick?" said Luna.
"How did you figure out his name?" asked her sister
"I asked his name" said the little filly.
"You got him to talk?" said Star swirl in shock.
"Well sorta." said Luna.
"Well then until we figure out why he's here, I'll take him with me to my home. Is that o.k. with you Erick?" said Star Swirl.
"O.k" as they parted way Erick say his final words to Luna for the day, "I hope we can see each other again Wuna."
Luna said with a smile "Of course...... Friend."
The sun came up and awoken Erick from his sleep. AS he looked out of his bedroom window, he took in a breath of fresh air and said to himself. "Wonder whats for breakfast?"
End of ch.1 (please like or comment. if.... that o.k with you of course.")
I know there might some errors. but please understand this is my first fanfic. so enjoy the story.
1742217
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Oh man, you should get an editor and a pre-reader quick! Before the hordes of fimfiction get here!
You should:
1) Break the text into smaller paragraphs, walls of text are intimidating.
2) Start a new paragraph every time someone speaks or thinks something.
3) Be more in depth when it comes to stuff and characters.
EX:
Instead of this ^ why not:
4) Longer chapters, definitely longer chapters.
Other than that it's not bad If you need any help feel free to pm me, I'm always glad to help!
1742618
So, we meet again... dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Twilight_pea.png
Hi-ho, Deep Pond, formerly of the Train Wreck Explorers here! I have a snazzy hat and everything, and I'm here to give your story a good lookin'-at.
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So, this is your first fanfic? Congratulations! Know that I'm not here to hate it or you, but I am here to give you some constructive criticism. I'll be pointing out your mistakes so you can correct them and improve as a writer.
Title
Always capitalize the first word, last word, and all other important words of a title. This usually means everything except "the," "a/an," "of," and the like. In this specific case, your title should read "Mastering the Elements: the Earth Pony Chronicles."
Description
That is a very short description, and it doesn't really tell me much. A new evil? Someone is trying to master a 7th Element? That's all I've got. I'm guessing your OC has to master the hitherto unknown 7th Element of Harmony, which frankly, will not be well-received. 7th Element stories are not uncommon, and they're rarely done well.
You've got the right idea with that description - give the reader a hint of the story, but not enough to spoil anything - but it needs a bit more.
The Story Itself
Okay, let's see what we've got hereOH GOD THE WALL OF TEXT!
Okay. Let's get the basics out of the way first.
New speaker, new paragraph. Always. No exceptions.
Double-space your paragraphs. Walls of text confuse Rainbow Dash.
Always capitalize proper names and titles, the first word of every sentence, and the word "I" when referring to the speaker.
Run-on sentences are bad. As a general rule, you should be able to say the whole sentence out loud without pausing for breath (this is not a hard-and-fast rule, but a guideline). Extremely long sentences feel rushed and breathless.
Thoughts are usually indicated with italics. It makes it much easier to distinguish between dialogue, thoughts, and narrative.
Whenever dialogue ends but the sentence does not, put a comma at the end of the dialogue (always inside the quotation marks). The only exceptions are when it should be an exclamation point or a question mark. Do not capitalize the next word, as it's not the start of a new sentence.
Always write out your numbers. "First," not "1st."
The first . . . chunk . . . of your story looks like this:
It should look like this:
Punctuation is important. A sentence should end with a period, unless it's a question (then use a question mark) or the speaker is very excited (exclamation point). In rare instances when the speaker is both, use both (properly called an interrobang). When writing dialogue, if the end of the dialogue is not the end of the sentence, replace the period with a comma.
I corrected your grammar and tidied up a little. You also need to work on your description, as right now it's pretty dry. However, I really can't read this and give it a proper going-over until you apply my above suggestions, especially breaking up that enormous wall-o-text.
Good luck and keep writing! Remember, everypony sucks when they start, and there's no shame in that. Recognize your weaknesses and work to overcome them; it's the only way to improve.
Deep Pond, Knight of a Fallen Kingdom
Sagacity here to provide some ⁂context⁂!
Stories about a seventh EoH are usually disliked because they introduce a plot element (heh) that is not consistent with the original material's continuity. In addition, these types of stories often feature self-inserts or overpowered OCs, neither of which make for an enjoyable read. I encourage you to try your hand at writing something we haven't seen before. Readers like novelty and believable situations.
A compliment: your grammar is far better than that of most first-time writers. I like your attitude and hope that you grow and develop as a writer!
I thank you people for the criticism. It will help me remember what not to do in later on in the story. Unfortunately I am limited on the time I can spend on a computer so reediting this chapter seems improbable for me. but still thank you
If you will have me, then I am more then happy to edit for you.
You can email me it or share on Google docs, either way as long as you are happy.
If you refuse my invitation, than very well. Good luck!
Oh, almost forgot. Email (Also used for Google Docs): darkmoontim@hotmail.com
1743133
You really, REALLY want to make your first chapter as good as you can make it. Readers will judge your entire story based on that first chapter, and aren't likely to keep reading 'in case it gets better later on'
Cute fic but desperately needs spelling and editing help. I recommend checking out one of the editor groups on here.