I'm your friendly neighborhood riffer. Except when I'm not. I also write pony words and review them. I hope to serve.
Have you ever wondered what antics two completely different beings could get into? At the dead of night? Come and see.....
This is the official prequel to my story, Son of the Princess
(Don't take this seriously. At all. Please. I'm so sorry.)
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>that title
images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20091013035253/stargate/images/c/c7/Teal%27cLaugh.jpg
1712213 Aren't you usually last?
1712219 Nope
MUST REEEEEEAD!...maybe later :3
1712236 READ IT NOW
I came.
LOL!
Subtle title, bro.
It was good, so I'm faving.
1712272 Wasn't it though?
1712248 Yes!
lol have some Pinkies good sir!
1712782 //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
1713026
I can't clop to this.
Needs more:
[youtube=foMIZUhlRtI]
Overall, it's okay. There's not really many errors to point out—a few here and there, but meh—but for the most part, I was just left going "wait, wut?" It's short, it's silly, and it left me confused as fuck.
Mission accomplished?
lol
lol me and emoticons. Im so professional.
i679.photobucket.com/albums/vv151/aisyaxo/whaaaaaaat.gif
1713293 Mission accomplished.
1713031
I'm sorry, but not even an avatar of Fluttershy drinking a juicebox while wearing a christmas hat will stop me from reviewing this.
The hard part will be that there is actually very little wrong with this story from what I can see, but I will press on regardless, for this is in the investigations folder and I do not turn away from those who ask for it.
First thing - If you are going to say that this story is a continuation of another story, then put that in the title page, or at least post a link to the preceeding story. While there is one at the end of the chapter, putting it at the top would assist a reader in checking out the preceeding one.
Also, with sequels or related stories, you should list if the reader needs to know the prior story to understand this one.
Story
Let me get this straight. Chrysalis kidnapped Celestia so she could take her to a disco??
While this is clearly meant to be a very silly story that does not take itself too seriously, the initial premise is just a bit too unbelievable. Once you get past that initial spot though, the story does crack along at a good pace.
Descriptions tend to be quite well done, though there was one section that left me going 'what?'
This line impies that there is a impassable barrier surrounding the disco floor, but Celestia and Chrysalis had passed through it just fine a moment ago.
Maybe have it so that after Celestia enters the dance floor, Chrysalis explicitly raises a hedgerow between them, thus trapping her in there.
story pacing felt a bit rushed, but that was clearly one of the aspects to the narrative, that it was more a quick interlude to another story, rather than an actual one in its own right
Characters
Celestia seems a bit too trusting of Discord. All she has is his word that he cannot use his magic. Even drugged, she would be suspicious of how Discord escaped his prison, and yet she discards the thought after a few seconds.
Aside from that, Discord seems his chaotic self, and it leaves me to wonder what Chrysalis has planned for the pair. If she is powerful enough to capture and overpower both Celestia and Discord, she clearly has some kind of plan in motion.
Grammar
This is about the only thing I could find that was wrong with the grammar of the story. It looks like you have two speakers on the same line.
one or two moments of a missing punctuation mark, but certainly not enough to detract from the story.
Could use a comma after enemy.
Story verdict: Good. No major issues with any aspect
Reccomendation: Minor rewrites, leave main body as is.
Well there you have it. A short review as there was little to comment on.
~ Fimbulvinter. Section Trainee for the Impartial Investigation Ensemble