• Member Since 8th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen September 24th

twow443


I'm your friendly neighborhood riffer. Except when I'm not. I also write pony words and review them. I hope to serve.


T

Shade has been an orphan all his life. Knowing nothing but being a personal assistant to Princess Celestia herself, he dosn't know much about the outside world. But unknown to everypony, Shade has a secret even he doesn't know. And its reveal could change Equestria forever.

Second book is here: Son of Chaos

Alternate Ending to Son of Chaos: Son of Peace

Third book is Son of Change.

Alternate ending to Son of Change: Son of Death

Fourth book is here: Son of Eternity

Chapters (11)
Comments ( 164 )

LOL. I have a recent OC Character named Shade in my Assassin's Tears stories!

1355085I happened to have a lot of free time today.

Thanks for the kind words! :twilightsheepish:

So! people don't like your story? Well, how should we fix that? I think I could prattle off a few tips that I follow.

1: Don't give away too much in the description. Go ahead and talk about how he's been with Celestia for his whole life, but avoid making the conflict of the story too blatantly obvious.

2: If your main character is a run-of-the-mill OC, make sure they have their limits, be they emotional or physical. Your character should not be able to both be morally perfect and able to do everything perfect, because that makes for a boring character

3: Set the scene! You don't have to do it right away with "Once upon a time", but introduce your character to the audience, who they are, what they like, what's their view of the world, etc.

4: Write more! It's never enough! I've heard of writers who spent 5 pages describing the way a leaf fell, or describing even clothing! I could see this chapter expanded to two or three thousand words.

Finally, to avoid the self insert disease: As you create characters, Try to define your character's personality. What would they do in this situation, not what you would do. It is also much easier to do this when you use the third person. I can't say I've never avoided the self insert disease, but it helps!

Do have a nice day, and may your next story be more appreciated!

1355304 Thanks a bunch! I'm already doing some editing at the moment. Using these tips and some I got from another, I should be able to fix this a bit.

1354950 Nope, but I'll check them out when I have time!

If anypony wonderes why I deleted their comment, it had spoliers. I'm doing some editing now, but thanks for the comments!

1355300
Yeah, I derped on the name. :derpytongue2:

I personally don't care that he's black; I'm just warning you that a black-coated OC is going to be seen as a Special Snowflake by 99% of the readers, and disliked accordingly. You have to be very careful whenever you introduce an OC who diverges wildly from canon, and only one pony ever has had a black coat.

1355336 Hmmmm, it isn't too late to change that..... You recommend any colors?

1355343

Nothing wrong with gray. If you want to keep him dark, you could make him blue or pine green. Also, normal horse colors (browns, creams and the like) are underused. Take Pipsqueak for example: bland, realistic colors, but the work just fine on him.

The main things to remember are: no black, definitely no black-and-red, and avoid more than 2-3 colors. A blue pony with a green-and-yellow mane would work; a blue-red-green pony with a silver mane streaked with rainbow is just garish.

You know what? I think I'll keep an eye on this, see how it goes. Who knows? It might be a pretty decent piece of work.

1355358 Blue.....I like blue. If you don't mind me making him blue with green and yellow as you said, I'll change that now.

1355426
Go for it. :rainbowdetermined2:

Edit: Did you just delete my critique?

Why would you do that? It makes you look like a prima donna who can't handle criticism.

I am disappoint. :ajbemused:

1355468 Noooooo It isn't that. I'm doing some editing and your critique had spoilers. I rather enjoyed it though. Trust me I've had some harsh critique that I haven't deleted. Check out my first story if you want prove.

1355532 Ah, gotcha.

If that ever happens again, let me know and I'll gladly edit my post to kill the spoilers. Deleting comments can make you look bad, especially critiques, just so you know.

And Rarity appreciates your being willing to improve yourself. :raritystarry:

1355554 Thanks. If you're willing to critique more of my writing I gladly appriciate it. Also watch out, I plan to write the next chapter soon.:pinkiehappy:

1355577 No problem, brony! If you want, you can submit the next chapter but don't publish it, then PM me the link and the password. That way I can look it over and PM you my thoughts without risking spoilers for everypony else.

1355600 I will do that. And by password, did you mean password to my account?

1355612 No, when you submit a story you have the option to apply a password. When you do that, until it's published, only people who have the password can see it; to everyone else it just doesn't exist.

If it's easier you could just PM me the next chapter, or even just post it here. I can critique it publicly or via PM, whichever you like.

1355626 I'll probably just PM it to you. Thanks for all the help!

Awesome story so far, Dont know why you've got about 11 dislikes of all things! why the blasphemy of good writing astounds me.:rainbowderp:

1357084 I can only hope that they will tell me what they don't like, then I might be able to fix it. Thanks for the support though! :heart:

Hmm, not bad for a start. Needs for work on the dialogue and a bit more words on details for the paragraphs seems...too short. Make no mistake I can see your story have potential, but its needs more work. Anyhow, i'll be looking forward to more updates and wish you the best of luck for your story.

Best regards. :eeyup:

Sorry this took so long. I went into brain-lock several times:twilightsheepish: Btw, should I make this a series like my Starlight books? Please be brutally honest on how this chapter and story itself is.:flutterrage: Thanks!!!:heart::heart::heart:

es not bad, didn't find any glaring grammatical errors to un-immerse me and the plots a bit cliche, as far as hidden children of Celestia go if all the children from all the stories were real they'd be rivaled only be Robert Baratheon's children.

Not that you can't improve it or bring it a new twist, In fact I look foward to seeing how you can change or twist this. Could be an interesting ride.

Not bad. But do not hesitate to hesitate before posting! That is, look over everything, Make sure everything looks neat and tidy and properly formatted, and add information to let people understand what may otherwise be lost on them!

Great chapter, hope to read more and to see some changeling action soon!

1370035
I have to say, I admire your attitude. After seeing any number of authors delete their stories entirely after receiving a harsh review - or delete the review out of spite - you are quite refreshing. :raritywink:

Onwards! :rainbowdetermined2:

The scene with Spike feels a little scanty. How does Spike react to Shade? Is he curious? Blase? Annoyed? Enthusiastic? As written, he's just there to establish his existence.

Also, purple baby dragon with green scales sound weird. We readers know what Spike looks like, but that's no excuse to not describe him well. I'd change it to a baby dragon with purple scales and green spines.

A white unicorn, similar to Sweetie Belle . . .
I mislike the phrasing there; it sounds . . . impersonal, like Rarity and Sweetie are varieties of washing machine. I recommend changing it to A white unicorn who resembled Sweetie Belle . . . or a white unicorn, similar in appearance to Sweetie Belle . . .

“This is a nice field.” I said. Understatement of the year.
What's so nice about it? Description! How does the sun feel, beating down on Shade's head? Does he smell the rich earth, the scent of hay, the faint musk of rotten apples? Does he hear the wind rustling through thousands of apple leaves? All we know now is that the field is big and nice. This would be a great place for a lavish description of the scenery, especially since Shade has lived in Canterlot his whole life. Sweet Apple Acres is an entirely new environment for him; let him soak up the new sensations for a bit.

“She's the Element of Honesty, correct?” I said to Twilight.
Nit-picky note: Applejack is the Spirit of Honesty. She wields the Element of Honesty, which is her apple-shaped necklace thingy. :twilightblush:

Teleporting to Sweet Apple Acres made sense, given the distance, but Twi teleporting Shade to Sugarcube Corner seems odd. Wouldn't it be easier to just give him directions? Then again, Twi was spamming the teleports in Applebuck Season, so it's not a major issue.

Pinkie popped out from behind the counter. “You two hungry for anything? I got cupcakes!” She held out a try of strawberry cupcakes.
Typo; should be "tray."

“I didn't even know ponies could do that! I mean, you changed what you are!” Twilight gasped. “You have wings!!!”
Twi cast a spell on Rarity that gave her wings in Sonic Rainboom. It was a difficult spell, so she might be impressed with Shade's grasp of magic, but she has canonically seen (something like) this before.

Also, avoid using multiple exclamation points. Italics are better for adding emphasis; e. g.: "You have wings!"

Kudos for not having Shade beat or tie Rainbow Dash, but he still came awfully close for a unicorn using his fake wings for the first time, especially compared to Miss Sonic Rainboom herself. Maybe have him do all right for the first half, but then Dash puts on the speed, and shows what she's really capable of? Unless him having awesome flying skills is important for later, I'd be happier if this was downplayed.

Evil laughter is pointless with no audience. Just sayin'.

Overall, this was quite good. The problems are minor ones of phrasing, and every writer alive or dead has gone through them. The story is interesting, the characters feel realistic, and . . . yeah, I like this. Good work, brony. :eeyup:
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Deep Pond, TWE's knight-errant

1373436 Thanks for the review man! Let me address a few things you pointed out.

I purposefully rushed the scene with Spike, but he DOES play a major part. This is probably the only time I'd rush a scene because I've been raked over the coals by doing that before.

Thanks for the details parts with Spike and Rarity. I'll go ahead and fix those.

About the Element of Honesty, I've seen it written both ways, Spirit of Honestly and Wields the Element, so I didn't know.:rainbowhuh:

More detail with Sweet Apple Acres, I'll work on that.:ajsmug:

Given the fact that it was getting late, Twilight wanted to get Shade to Sugercube Corner before it closed. She didn't think it was necessary to point that out. :twilightblush:

Oops, typo. Probably shouldn't type when I'm tired. Also, any get the not very sutble referance? :scootangel:

Forgot that Twilight did that spell on Rarity. Oops again:facehoof:

I believe I mentioned that Shade has used that spell before while living in Canterlot, but I glanced over it.:facehoof::facehoof: It does come in play that he's a good flyer.

Pointless evil laughter? Well, she's evil. Do evil people (or ponies) ever need a reason to laugh? :rainbowkiss:

And that's it. I really do appreciate your review. Means a lot and helps us do better. Keep an eye out for the next chapter soon.

1373371 I'm being very careful to pace myself, but expect it soon!

Alright ponies, next chapter's up! I was surprised that I wrote this in a night. :pinkiehappy: Hit me with everything you got! Tell me what you like or don't. Be honest!!!! Next chapter will come soon! :rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild::rainbowwild:

well that escalated quickly:trollestia:

1379318 Shoot, is that good or bad?! :raritydespair:

1379407
It all depends on how you follow up this nice shock.

Once again, Write longer!!!
I've said this many times already... :twilightsheepish:

1382254 I tried! Grrr. I'll try harder tonight. :facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof::facehoof:

She lightly nodded. “Yes. Won't you come in? I'm making some tea and you're welcome to join me.” Not one to turn down an offer of tea, I stepped inside to join her.

Minor edit: this should be two paragraphs, thus:

She lightly nodded. “Yes. Won't you come in? I'm making some tea and you're welcome to join me.”

Not one to turn down an offer of tea, I stepped inside to join her.

Ellipses (those three dots indicating hesitation) are always three dot with spaces between them, like so: [. . .] More dots = bad. No spaces = bad.

“How come you lived in Canterlot all your life?” she softly asked.
Should be "asked softly," and I have a hard time imagining Fluttershy using the phrase "how come." Rainbow Dash, yes; Applejack, probably, but it just doesn't sound right for Fluttershy.

“Twilight! That took me 2 hours!” Spike yelled.
It took us 4 hours to clean up the mess in the library
Generally speaking, you want to write out numbers in dialogue, i.e., "two hours," "four hours."

“Yay! We can totally start the part in about 20 mins!” Pinkie yelled bouncing around the room.
This confuses me. First, is "part" a typo for "party?" If so, why twenty minutes? It looks like it's starting right now!

Overall, pretty good. The pacing seems a little fast, but the story is interesting and readable, and Shade seems a decent OC. My one objection is that he seems a little bland . . . he's reactive more than active, and I can't really say what personality traits he has. AJ is stubborn, RD is hot-headed, Pinkie is hyper, but Shade . . . just is. Not a crippling flaw, but something to keep in mind.

Nice reveal and cliffhanger, BTW! Looking forward to the next chapter.

I need to pull out the beating stick young man SHADE HOW DAR U BE HUH CHANLHIN!
:flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage::flutterrage:

1386101 Guess I was focusing too hard on getting the Mane 6's emotions right I forgot about Shade. Oops:derpytongue2::derpyderp2: I plan to write somemore tonight, so I can work on that. And I'll edit what I need too.

You liked the reveal? Good, because that's the part I was worried the most about. :rainbowlaugh: Next chapter oughta be fun! :pinkiehappy:

1386501 You'll be finding out soon! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

MINDFUCK!>?? err-cough, glad I spit that out, By the way you fail to describe his eye color? is it blue like the normal changelings or green like Chrysalis'?

1387306 In his changeling form, Shade's right eye is purple and his left eye is red.

Edit: Yellow. His left eye is yellow.

1386101 Consider it all edited. BTW, do you have any ideas for Shade's overall personality trait?

1388061
He's sort of coming across as a scholarly type, not unlike Twilight (the whole deal where Celestia has him practicing magic, and how casually he seems to take it). Really, though, I advise against thinking in terms of a single personality trait. Well-written characters are nearly as complex as real humans.

Consider Best Pony: :ajsmug:

She's stubborn, prideful, and a little hot-tempered. She disdains "fancy mathematics," and was willing to endanger her family's livelihood in Applebuck Season rather than admit she needed help.

She's also courageous, loyal, dependable, hardworking, humble, and honest as the day is long. She's the first to admit when she's wrong, which is not always an easy task, and she's deeply devoted to her family. She has a good sense of humor, and shows no indication of looking down on Twilight for being an egghead, despite her own lesser education level.

She considered Rarity fussy and girly, but grew to appreciate the occasional spa visit. She doesn't care a fig about some good honest dirt on her hooves, but she'll gladly dress up fancy and braid her tail for a big event. She walks around stark naked, but honestly appreciates the clothes Rarity makes for her.

AJ is not a simple character, but she feels like a very real character. It's impossible to sum her up in one or two personality traits.

Shade, hopefully, should be like that. You don't have to figure all this out immediately, but consider what his life has been like - raised by Celestia as a foster son, secluded in Canterlot, unsocialized but not unloved. Add traits as they become apparent - as the character reveals them to you - and remember traits that have already been established.

Either this is a total plot twist or we're getting fooled really good.

Oh and first.

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