The Guard
Have you ever wondered how many stars dwelled in the eternal abyss known as the cosmic universe? I have. Every night since I was a filly, I would try and count as many as I could. My mother would always fuss over my late night counting. Good memories, truly they were. Sadly the past is exactly as it entails; It's the past and can never be changed. I wish I could go back to those times, those precious moments that I took for granted as most fillies do. To eat watermelon with my mum, to run in the fields of lilies with her until our hooves hurt. I miss her so much. Now as I lay restless in my bed, my memories flooded my thoughts as I gazed at the broken sky above from the tiny window in the ceiling. The stars were dull and listless, their colors resembling burnt peanuts. Every star in the universe had begun to fall. Princess Celestia and Luna had long since passed on and because of it, the moon and sun were both faded to the point of darkness. Crops could not grow as well, and the land soon became barren. All of this was because of him... The same stallion who helped bring me into this world, my father; Lysso.
Thinking back, I wish I could have stopped him. I was such a young filly and couldn't do anything to stop him of his rage and hate. He was one of the oldest alicorns, and because of that, he was the most powerful. He had been sealed away since the dawn of time, not once being able to escape. As time passed and new rulers of Equestria arrived, the seal began to awaken. King Aerios and Queen Melana soon birthed Celestia and Luna, giving them their powers over the sun and moon. More and more years passed and more and more evil seeped into the world, allowing the seal to grow weaker and weaker.
By the time Celestia and Luna stepped down, he had finally been freed. The new rulers of Equestria tried their best to defend Equestria as best as they could. Twilight Sparkle had created her most powerful barrier over the main section of Equestria while Applejack surged her powers through the land, creating a massive wall of nature inside the barrier. Fluttershy rallied all the animals and ponies to stand guard at the walls. Rainbow Dash controlled the weather around Equestria, making it impossible to travel by air. Pinkie Pie and Rarity kept the citizens happy as their world became a prison and tried to keep the food evenly going. All seemed to work fine until he finally made his way to them. As they all fought valiantly, the war soon became one sided. My father overwhelmed them and quickly wiped them out, leaving only remnants of Equestria left. The world was now in his control and he ruled with an iron hoof. Everything was a tyranny. The food was rationed and the citizens controlled. Everyponies life was preplanned, every one of their goal set and their lives set with strings. I gave a low sigh as I sat up from my bed. He had to be stopped. Stretching my wings I floated to the window, wiping my sleepy eyes.
My white hair was messy and poofed, nearly touching the floor. I gave a low yawn and flew into the bathroom, using my magic to levitate a brush to my hair. Stroke by stroke, my ivory hued locks became luscious and bright like the moonlight. "Mm....What Should I do.....What Would mom do?" I muttered, brushing coat smoothly. I kept staring at myself in the mirror, fixating my violet eyes on my necklace. It was a gift from my mom before she had died, resembling two birds around a glass heart. It kept me motivated through out these terrible years. Even after my father found me and imprisoned me in his castle, I stayed strong. As far as I knew, we were the only alicorns left. I had hoped their would be more like me but I could not find any in all my searches. I had slowly gained a resistance in the underground, gathering ponies of all kinds under my wing. We had reached over a hundred members this year and soon we would take him down. I went under the name of Captain Lunis. None of them knew that I was actually Princess Orithyia, and I intended to keep it that way. They never knew what I truly looked like because I always casted an illusion on my appearance; and tonight would be no different. As my icy aura circled my body, my mane became a bright blue that was styled spiky and short, only reaching my shoulders. My coat that was a bright pink with white tipped hooves became a mellow shade of purple with black tipped hooves, and my eyes shifted to a bright shade of yellow.
Finally my wings faded from sight within a few moments making my look complete with the changing of my cutie mark. No longer did I bare my icy cutie mark of a heart incased in ice; Instead, it was a flaming heart of pinks and purples. To most untrained eyes, I was a normal unicorn, with no special talents. However, soon hoof steps echoed through the halls close to my chamber and I gulped, shifting back into my true form to answer the door. With a swift knock and call, I opened the door to answer. "I am present dearest guard, and I am drifting into slumber so may you please leave me be?" I chirped. The guard blinked, his hollow eyes glazed with mind control. He was a normal earth pony that happened to by my main guard. His name was Big Apple and he was the great nephew of the alleged Princess Applejack. He had a bright auburn coat accented with a white mane styled short yet combed over neatly. He had a cutie mark of a giant ambrosia apple with seeds around it. He gave a nod and entered the room, disregarding my comment of slumber. I grumbled and closed the door, allowing him to inspect the rooms for any weapons or anything suspicious. Trotting from room to room, he checked everything completely.
"Clear....." He grumbled, making his way back to the door. I frowned and looked away, remembering when he wasn't so controlled. He was full of laughter and fun, always complementing how I looked and cheering me up. I missed the old Big A but my father would never let him be his old self. I remember one time when he let me sneak out with him to go have a bite to eat. It was so amazing. He had apple cider prepared and a bunch of apples and hay for the meal. The moon was full as we dined. I felt such a connection with him. As the night ended, the last thing I remember was him kissing my cheek and sending me to my room with sweet dreams. Coming back to reality, I noticed him exiting the room without a word, leaving me to my lonely room. After a few moments I gave a huff and casted my spell once more, making my way to my bedroom's mirror. It began to glow like a prism with light cascading it's array of colors all around. "Mirror of hope, never depleting, show me the meeting. " My incantation caused the light to swirl and twist about, forming a rainbow door.
With a smile on my face I dashed into the door, charging my way through the dark hall. As a light started to appear, I slowed down, taking quiet more calm steps. There before the light at the end of the tunnel like hall stood my lieutenant Star Wing. She was the granddaughter of Rainbow Dash. Her locks were white with streaks of all colors while her coat was a snowy white tipped with blue accents. It was styled spiky just like her grandmother but with higher and more crazy like spikes. Her eyes were bright emerald green. As she noticed I arrived she skipped over with glee, her wings barely lifting her off the ground as she skipped. "Heya Lunis, what's the game plan today huh?" She said happily. I smiled warmly and nodded, flying into the corridor. "The first mission went off with a bang, and so now it's time for the next mission. We are going to attack the weapon reserve section A5." As I spoke the news, ponies started to appear from all the doors from the hall. They were all the resistance we had at the moment. Ponies of all races that wanted freedom stood before me, waiting for the new game plan. A little filly padded up to me, smiling with glee. She was wearing a bandanna with the resistance's coat of arms all over it. I giggled and patted her head, heading towards the pedestal. The mic was set and the volume on; It was time.
I took a breath and nodded, ready to speak my announcement. "Last week my dear friends, we succeeded in toppling the main reserve for coal and gems. It went off with a bang thanks to everypony who helped out. Tonight, we have an even bigger goal to cripple the army. We are going to demolish their weapon station in the North and East sides of the walls. Tomorrow it will be the South and West sides.If we succeed, we can finally topple King Lysso. We will free Equestria!!!" I shouted loudly.
The resistance pounded their hooves in excitement, happy to finally rid their world of the tyrant. I flied to to the armory and began to place my armor on. It was tight fitting and made from silk and leather. It was the perfect stealth uniform for the upcoming mission. I placed my hair into Chinese buns and placed my hoof guards on. I was ready. My lieutenant pranced in with a giant gleeful smile and placed hers on, excited to have another mission. "You know, after all this is done, how about we keep our army up? Be the new and better army for the nation you know? We could be called the Freedom Guard!" She chirped with her head held high. She was the most spirited mare I had ever met and she was my closest friend. I soon noticed as she placed her bracers on that her left back leg had been bandaged.
Worried now for her safety I stopped her from dressing in the uniform and set it down on the floor. "Star Wing....I Really think you should stay out of this mission tonight, your not at a hundred percent...." My tone was low and wavered, a sign of my worry. She blinked and shook her head, stretching her leg in and out. "I'm fine see? I'm going to help as much as I can Captain, whether or not I break my body doing it." Her words were pure and full of heart yet I could not allow her to do it. I shook my head and flapped my wings, making my way to the exit. "You are to stay here until further orders Star Wing. That is a direct order." "But Cap--" "No. " She huffed and took off in a mad dash to the exit, leaving the sanctity of our underground fort. Shocked, I tried to follow but my soldiers stopped me, saying that they would go look for her.
I felt bad, so bad in fact that I slumped over and sighed, not knowing what to do. I had to finish the mission tonight or else it would all fall apart. But what would I do if she turned against us? I shook my head, making my way past the guards to find Star Wing. I had to find her, I just had to! The woods above are fort were dark and barren, scorched by dark magic and fire. Nothing living could possibly survive in the climate. I gave a sigh and tried to keep up with her, only seeing a blob of her in the distance. If only I had my wings, I could catch up to her in no time. I gave a sigh and ran as fast as my legs could go, inching closer and closer to her. Blurred images caught the corner of my eyes, causing me to stop in my tracks. I had heard rumors that certain ponies lived through the hellish environment and became savages, only knowing how to fight and kill. Their forms were altered by the land, their manes becoming wisps of power or fur, and their hooves becoming cloven and devil like. They were known as the Fallen Ponies. Whether they bore Pegasus wings or horns of a unicorn, they lost their former selves, now bound by the darkness and sorrow of the earth. I gulped and stood tall, awaiting for the enemies to approach. It was two fallen ponies side by side, almost identical in appearance except for their eyes. Both were males with black coats and red manes streaked with black.
The left one had grey eyes while the right one had black. As they inched closer, I began to notice that their manes were actually scales, as well as most of their bodies excluding their hooves. I readied myself for them, stomping my hoof upon the scorched ground, "What do you two want?" I growled out. They both smiled with glee and trotted around me, circling me for several minutes. "Oh what do you mean Princess?" "Oh yes Princess, tell us. Why do you think we want you?" "Tell us, come, tell us for we may be enlightened." Their tones were full of ill intent and a slyness that only tricksters could muster. I scowled and took a breath, trying to keep calm. "Princess? My name is Captain Lunis and I am the---" "Save it. You are Princess Orithyia. We can smell you, we can sense you and we were sent by your daddykins. Now come quietly and we wont have to break your damn legs sweety bumble pie! Hahahahaha!" I twitched and shattered my illusion, my wings sprouting out as I lunged at them, charging my wings with a dense aura to cut into the ponies. I struck the left one with my wings, slicing into his chest and right half, causing him to collapse. How dare they use what my mother used to say! How did they know? How did my father know I was...No. He couldn't know at all. It was impossible! Howling out in pain and surprise, he reared up and knocked me out of the sky with his snake tail? I blinked as I crashed into the ground, confused as to why his tail was a snake. He was smiling again, letting his brother step forth. Realizing they both had snakes for tails, I had to rethink my battle strategy. "I will end you both if you do not leave me alone. That is a promise." I spat angrily. They both only chuckled and bound my body with their tails, squeezing until I couldn't breathe. I tried to get out of their grasp but they only squeezed tighter, the snakes nipping at my hide. "Ugh....Mnng..". I was in trouble and I had to think fast. Using my magic, I started to cause the clouds to stir and rumble, forcing hail to fall upon them both.
The black eyed brother growled and opened his mouth far beyond normal capabilities and blew the hail away with a mighty exhale of air. The grey eyed one also opened his mouth, though air was not what came out. Instead, a toxic liquid resembling waste from a plant began to seep out. "We are the Gorgon Brothers, and I think it's time you learn a little lesson little filly!". They squeezed until my eyesight failed me, my air no longer in my lungs. A familiar voice echoed in my mind as they released my grip and focused on some other pony. Who was it? They sounded brave and determined. Could it be? I opened my eyes and lord and behold it was Star Wing! With a sigh of relief I got up, tackling the left brother from behind and tearing into his flesh with my horn. He let out a disgruntled howl and sped away, crashing into a tree nearby. "Take that you stupid gorgon!" I cheered, now focusing on the other gorgon. Star Wing looked pissed at him and...me? Puzzled I suddenly realized I was in my true form and that she didn't know it was me. I couldn't just change back into Captain Lunis but what if she attacked me? I gulped and used my magic once more, the clouds swirling into an ice storm, the ground beginning to freeze. Faster and faster the ice began to form until finally the gorgon pony was incased in ice. I remembered the first time I had done such an amazing feat. It was when I had gained my cutie mark. My mother had gotten ill with a disease we knew nothing about. Time passed and as she lay dying my father arrived, forcing me to go with him. The trauma had triggered something deep inside of me, stirring my powers to awaken. A surge of light passed through my body and out my horn and into the skies above, causing a massive snow storm. My heart was cold as the ice that fell down, hence the appearance of my cutie mark. My heart which longed for freedom and my mother was dead and frozen. That was the day I got my cutie mark and the day the world ended as we know it. I snapped back to reality and gasped, stopping my magic as fast as I could, Star Wing was half frozen as well as most of the landscape around us. I teared up and began to dig her out of the ice and snow, trying my best to save her. She looked angry and distraught as I released her from the ice. Coughing, she stumbled back. "How dare you touch me scum! If it wasn't for you or your bloody father, Equestria would be nothing but sunshine and happiness. But no. You bucking....Gah! Get away! I should have let them kill you but....but...you Reminded me..Ugh nevermind just leave my sight or I'll make sure I'll kill you!" She roared, stretching her wings out and stomping the earth with his hooves angrily.
"I never wanted any of this! I wanted Equestria to be normal! I..I.." I teared up and began to sob, taking flight away from Star. I just needed some time away from her. She was filled with such hate! I would never be able to tell her who I really was. I was Captain Lunis but I was also Princess Orithyia. As I flew back to my father's castle, a dark cloud loomed overhead, my father standing at the front gates. He was regal and full of pride in his stance, his crown bloodstained as well as his armor. His mane was white as the snow itself, going past hi legs and unto the ground. His coat was black with hints of white around his hooves and his eyes. My father's eyes honestly scared me. They were dragon like eyes, glowing with a red, fury fueled aura. To top it all off, his cape was made from the hide of the main Princess Twilight Sparkle, her blood clearly shown on it. He was truly a scary stallion to be near. As I landed, he welcomed me with a heart warming smile and embraced me, shocking me beyond belief. "I was so worried...I Even sent the Gorgon Brothers for you. Did they hurt you?" Startled I nodded, letting him see the wounds they inflicted. He growled and whistled, sending guards toward the way I came from. I stared up at him and began to tear up yet again, knowing that it was all an act. He didn't love me, he loved me for my power. He stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, leading me inside to the bath. Even if it was an act, it felt nice for a change. He was never around so I never really knew how he was. His armor and cape scared me though. I knew each part of the armor was forged from the old Princess's crowns. I could tell because they each held the gemstones they represented. As the bath was readied he closed the door, sending me sweet dream wishes before he left.
I sighed and floated into the water, letting the bubbles and warm water surround my body and relax me. I let out a sigh of relief and sank down below, loosing my mind to the warm flow of water.
An hour passed and I stumbled out of the water, soaking wet and tired. I levitated a towel around my elegant body and pranced to my room, leaping into my bed for comfort. As I took my final gaze at the sky above, I began to drift into slumber.
Today was horrible but tomorrow could be better.
The mission was still carried out as far as I knew and I knew Star Wing was okay. With a stretch and a yawn, I finally went to sleep, awaiting tomorrow's bringing.
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FIMFiction
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You know that's a nice alicorn OC you got there.
Description... and I'm already lost! Reading it, I'm like... wtf am I reading??? Six princesses, Freedom Guard, OC's EVERYWHERE??? Whoa there buddy, slow down!
>in b4 TWE
Guys, calm the fuck down. Have a potato.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m7mfhyewrm1qh3jq7.gif
1630674
Um not a buddy and I am still working on the desc. It's not meant to have any of the canon character really. 6 princesses... Twilight Sparkle, Apple Jack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.
Freedom Guard; the rebellion force...etc etc...
1630792 One sec...
(Scrambles to your user page)
She/he's only been here... for HOW LONG???
(Comes back...)
Lol, welcome to FIMFiction. Some words of advice, read more stories. After about 3-4 weeks, then try to make a story. Also, peruse the groups for author support and school for new writers. It will help... A LOT!
1630816
U-um...well...I'm popular on DA for it so I'm not going to change it...
1630823 Right, well this is FIMFiction. You can't just... go about spewing any idea out. You need to... ugh... get to know what people on this site like, and improve as you go along. DA is for pictures, not stories. FIMFiction... Let me be clear. If it's not an original story, it's not good. Things to avoid include OC alicorns. the worst kinds are red manned, black coated ones, and Mary Sues/Gary Stews. Those are flawless characters. They make no mistake. They, however, make horrible characters.
I understand you thought you'd come in here all alicorn OC gun hoe, but that's very rare to happen with ANY user.
1630853
........Yea. you are slightly getting rude.
It's not a mary sue story, and no I'm not going to change it because she's an alicorn. I like my oc and I'm not going to falter in my decision. You came here and commented; Okay cool. I'm not 'gun hoeing' and certainly just because you didn't enjoy it does not mean the whole world doesn't.
Oh boy. I'm going to cut you some slack because it's late and you literally just joined so maybe you're not sure how things work around here.
First I want to say that it takes guts to come up with a totally original story and not use any of the canon characters especially as your first story. Also, your grammar, spelling and structure seem to be top notch. I couldn't see any problems but then I really wasn't paying attention so maybe that's my fault. I just want to think that you did a good job on this.
As for the bad, you've got an alicorn OC. This does not bode well. Kudos for not making her red & black or giving her a ridiculous name like "Raven Dark'ness" or something like that. But there are only supposed to be 2 Alicorns in all of Equestria. That's it. No more. Cadance was originally supposed to be a unicorn but Hasbro decided to make her an Alicorn for whatever reason. This is canon although I don't know how King Sombra fits into all this now but that's for another time.
Secondly, this is written in first person. As such it's coming off as a self-insert. Writing in first person is too limiting and it takes a talented writer to pull it off correctly. You have promise, but you're not there yet.
Next is the purple prose. You really like describing things in the most detailed way using really nice words. Stop it. Seriously, stop it. Getting too flowery with your story will only serve to turn people off. There's no reason to go into too great detail if you can say the same thing in fewer words.
And finally, your OC is bordering on being a complete Mary Sue. Tone it down a bit. Reel in the terrific. Make her less perfect and more real. An Alicorn OC is bad enough. An Alicorn Mary Sue OC is a recipe for disaster.
1630872 Look, you've been here 3 hours, and you've already gotten a story out. That's... just not good.
I wasn't trying to be mean. If I sounded like that, I'm sorry. I've read it, and I can tell you, this needs work. If you think I'm mean... Lol, see these guys. They'll probably be here soon.
Edit: As I typed... There they are!
1630872
Judging my the dislike bar? The world doesn't like it.
Also, your badmouthing fething Art Inspired, one of the most successful authors on the site. He knows what he's talking about, and he's trying to help. People can be a lot more blunt with their advice; I know I am. So instead of sticking to your poorly executed idea, perhaps you should let the advice of those better than you sink in.
1630884
I do thank you for the compliment. She is by all means not a mary sue. Yes she's an alicorn, but if you read the story you would know why. Her father is the tyrant that rules the world. first person is my favorite style though I do understand it is quite limiting.
She is by all means perfect. She has a temper and is spunky. She does have to act proper because she is the princess and that is normal. She is the rebellion's leader, and is not even that powerful. She is not overpowered in any way. She shows one moment in which she power bursts from her but that's about it.
1630884
Isn't Sombra just a unicorn? Or am I missing the point of that comment?
Wow. That's a lot of downvotes, and the story really isn't that bad.
So, you have obviously put a lot of thought into your mythology and building a world with some new characters. I liked how you set it up that the Mane Six became princesses...then were defeated.
One thing that you can do that will immediately improve this is to change the format just a bit. Every time you have dialogue, it should be in a new paragraph. Also, large paragraphs scare readers away. You've got to feed your story to your readers in bite-sized bits. (Okay, that might be a terrible metaphor, but it's true. People have short attention spans and a story with shorter paragraphs just looks easier to digest at a glance.)
Your alicorn OC is not bad. I mean, she's not all-powerful, so there shouldn't be any complaint on that score. Really, she's just a cool princess character. The fact that she's a Secret Princess is going to grate on some readers who are familiar with fantasy storytelling tropes because it's a cliche. But the truth about cliches is that they are popular because some part of human beings want to be told those stories again and again. The important thing is to make sure your character has the kind of depth that will win your readers' hearts. Right now, she could use a few more layers to her character.
One of your greatest strengths, the story's mythology, can also trip you up. You throw a lot of information at the readers right at the beginning, before they even have the chance to become emotionally invested in the story. It might be a good idea to open with a scene showing how wicked Lysso is so that the readers want him defeated right off the bat, or do something to win their hearts right away for your princess heroine.
You have the odds stacked against you right from the beginning because you have an alicorn OC as the main character. You are going to get a bunch of tired downvotes just for that, from people who aren't even going to read your story and meet your characters. It's just something you are going to have to overcome by really, really good character building and writing.
Don't be discouraged. You have some good ideas here, and the potential for a neat fantasy adventure. As you are writing the following chapters in this story, I would recommend that you try your hand at a few one-shot short stories on the side as well. It will give you opportunity to play around with different characters and situations. (I have no idea what your writing experience is. You might already be doing this. But if not, then I recommend it.)
Keep writing, my friend.
1630908
Oh no, don't thank me because that wasn't a compliment. Your story sucks and I just don't have the time or the effort to put in a full review right now. That's why I didn't attach the seal or my title in the TWE. It's not an official review so don't get your hopes up.
You're missing the point. You've got an alicorn OC. She's a Mary Sue. The two pretty much go hand in hand when you consider that alicorns are like f*cking gods. They can literally do whatever they want. Celestia raises the sun. Luna raises the moon and arranges the stars. That takes power. They are game changers. They are the living definition of a Deus ex Machina. Want something impossible done? Get an alicorn, they can do it.
And giving her a little flaw like having a temper does not mean she's no longer a Sue. In fact, she's even more of one now because it's a minor little thing that shows you can't be bothered to give her a real disadvantage. And spunky? That's a classic Sue trait, in fact the original Mary Sue was as spunky as you can imagine. Gee Willikers she was spunky!
21 dislikes so far and this has barely been out for an hour. You're not doing well and in fact right now you're crashing and burning. Wait until the morning and the rest of the site gets a gander at this and you'll really see how alicorn OCs are hated on this site. Do yourself a favour, take this story down and rework it.
If you choose to stick to your guns, then you can't say I didn't try to warn you.
1630908
1. I'm just curious, are you biologically male or female at this time? Please refrain from answering with the sex you would prefer to be and check between your legs to avoid confusion. Because you write like a guy. Just sayin'.
2.
ohboyherewego.jpg
Since you're so adamant that what's-her-name isn't a Mary-Sue, I'm not going to put much effort into this. I'll let other people argue with you for comments and comments like it's srs bzns. All I'm going to say is, you just described the archetypal Mary Sue/Gary Stu.
1630928
Maybe he is, I don't know as I wasn't really paying attention when the show was on. I was pretty bored by the whole Crystal Empire thing as it's nothing more than a way for Hasbro to sell more toys.
So maybe he is just a unicorn if he is, then I retract that original statement.
1630928
Supposedly he *was* a unicorn, but is now shadow magic in its ironically "purest" form.
it's canon that he WAS one, but not that he IS.
1630964 Lol, dude, I literally hear Homer saying this as I read!
I think someone should write a story about an alicorn OC who thinks he/she is completely awesome by virtue of being an alicorn, but is actually completely useless and generally unlikable, although everyone pretends otherwise because they're too polite/have given up trying to get through his/her skull.
1630884
So they could sell the Pinklestias they made before they realized how silly it was to have her pink.
As for this story... Does the OC really NEED to be an Alicorn for the story to work?
Wow... okay.
I see a lot of potential in your writing, that's a good start.
Little known secret, I was guilty of writing Mary Sue's when I first started too.
I do love your OC's physical design though. It's not off putting at all, the colors are well matched and she's a rather pretty little thing. If you could write her as a deeper character that would be great. Alicorn OCs are often reviled, and for good reason, because most of them are utter piles of crap. You've got the first half of the battle (design) down though, why not the second(characterization and writing)?
As for the story, I would recommend just starting with one OC, if ANY, and practicing.
Also, we have no idea what's going on, who are these people? What are their motivations?
I didn't understand that the mane six were princesses until you mentioned it in the comments.
You could start with a story about the ponies in the show, practice with the characters already established before you try to create your own.
Welcome to FiMFiction.
Been here for less than a week, you already have a story out, you're ignoring critique from some very talented and popular people, and your character is an Alicorn?
Sit down, let's talk.
Alicorn OC's, they are hated on this site. Bar none, they are this sites definition of horrible. It takes a powerful author to get an alicorn out, AND have him/her be liked.
Secondly, don't argue with your critics. If they misunderstand something, explain the circumstances with it, and take whatever they have to offer. Arguing with your crits makes you look whiny, and lazy.
Thirdly, take some time to read fictions. You may be alright on deviant art, but this is Fimfiction, we hold pretty high standards on this site. And if you're trying to make it to our leagues, you're gonna have to step up your game. The review givers on this site don't hold back.
Fourthly, don't get frustrated. It takes time, study, and effort to write a good story. I just recently got featured for the first time on my newest fic. The chapter I wrote for it, it took over a month to write. So take your time, think concepts through, add, revise, delete, retry, think how your reader sees, think how your character sees. Now, I personally find it easier to write in first person than in third, but it's still a tightrope we walk.
Writing, It's not easy, but it is worth it.
Now, the readers have spoken, you have potential. That means a lot on this site, so use it! Read and learn, find your style, and POOF! You're knocking them out.
Hell, you've pissed me off. Let's give this a right proper review, eh? I'm going to ignore all the typos, redundancies, and minor grammar infringements because honestly, who likes hearing about those? Suffice to say that they are numerous.
First person. All right, you've already stated that you know the limitations of writing in the first person, so I'll leave you to your stylistic choices.
One of these two does not make sense. How does Orithyia communicate with 'the underground' if she's locked up? Who is 'the underground?' What's with the magical mirror that can teleport Orithyia in her prison? What's with the lax security Lysso has put on his daughter? A single guard isn't enough to protect the only other known alicorn in existence. Why the fuck does he even keep her around?
Remember how this alicorn totally destroyed eight princesses? What are a hundred starved peasants going to do that they couldn't?
They're going to... blow up some weapons? Remember the god who took over everything? How the fuck does taking out some weapons and coal equal toppling a tyrant? What's stopping Lysso from just getting more weapons? There's no way that 100% of all weapons exist in four locations. And why are they doing this during two different days? If Lysso looses half his stocked weapons one day, wouldn't he go to extra lengths to protect the other half? How poorly is the empire designed if two small raids can topple the whole fething thing?
Really, this lieutenant is an egotistical bitch. Orithyia has a legitimate point; Star Wing has to use a brace to keep one of her legs up, and dragging a wounded soldier around during a stealth-centered mission is a pretty big liability. And when she doesn't get her way, she just storms off like a whiny kid. If Orithyia is worried about Star Wing betraying her friends in a fit of rage, why the fuck is she even there, much less in a place of command?
For the love of god, a new paragraph for each new speaker. It's really, really hard to follow dialogue when it's in a brick of text like this. And "daddykins?" Really? Not to mention the fact that Orithyia is a fucking idiot for running headlong into dangerous territory alone.
Look, the bitch decided to come back. Also, turns out that Orithyia doesn't even recognize the voice of her own lieutenant.
Considering that his daughter just, you know, escaped her prison, Lysso seems pretty calm. After sending a pair of monsters to fuck her shit up, he shows up in his full battle regalia, skinned princess cloak and all, and... draws her a bubble bath? The fuck? At least tell me he has the sense to increase security after she easily slipped through the pathetic measures he has up right now. Hell, he doesn't even say a harsh word to her about going out into the deadly wilderness alone and against his wishes.
1630908
I couldn't help but see this story, and though I've only read the description, base on the fact you said she 'is perfect' automatically makes her a mary sue in my eyes. However, I'm not going to condemn. But, I am going to advise.
Go here. Read the OP, take the online test. It is EXTREMELY helpful and basic. It is easy to understand. Note, the OP is the only post I advise reading, and again. Take the test and use your OC. The information in the OP and the test itself are accurate, and reliable.
And one more thing, alicorn OCs tend to get hate right off the bat, especially here. You have to do it extremely well. The people who offer advice, do generally mean well and make some valid points. The thing is, picking out what is helpful fact and good advice, and what is biased opinion veiled behind fancy words and vague logic.
But, yea, I advise clicking the link and reading through the OP and taking the test.
And one last piece of advice. Just because people on deviantart like it, doesn't mean everyone will like it. Stories change between groups and communities from a reason, because each has its own likes and dislikes.
I'M HERE TO KICK ASS AND PUNCH FACE... AND I'M ALL OUTA FACE!
Here we go.
1631003 Oh my. You've never read Kingofsquirrles's fics, have you? Don't, because they suck. They had no business being featured.
1630891 Picking a fight with you? Oh, this poor bitch/son of a bitch.
1630884 Going easy? What is this, Canada?
1630908 Not that you'll note this, but... girl, you're in for a world of hurt. Picking a fight with Art Inspired AND Evil Homer? ALso, don't come in with that DA attitude. DA is full of fucktards and true bronyfags. I should know, I used to live on that site.
You've all been officially Regidar'd.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/343/616/a02.gif
1631112 Try and go easy on him/her. he/she is new. (Ah-ha, and I mean NEW!)
Just remember, this is FIMFiction, a writing site. DA is for drawers. if you think you can't play two different sports, don't try.
1631137
I'm sorry, but I must correct you. FimFiction is a writing site yes, but DA is for spoiled, self-entitled, think they're a gift to the world, newbie artists who don't know the meaning of the word critique.
1631159 True, and to the point... I'm just not that harsh. Never can be, as I get too many replies when I do.
1631137 Excuse me, there is plenty of writing there. I would know, as a writer on that site... but mostly it gets glossed over.
1631159 This. This so hard. You can occasionally find a few good artists in there... but mostly it's a bunch of re-coloring douchebags.
Grammar, capitalization/typos, and format all could use work.
Conversation grammar is off in a couple of ways. Poor comma use when addressing people, capitalizing tags improperly, that sort of thing. I'd suggest this guide for some excellent examples of how conversation should be formatted, including the one speaker per paragraph.
For capitalization, there's a few words that are capitalized but should not be. When talking about the castle walls, for example, the north, east, west, and south are capitalized. They should only be so when talking about geographic areas, not directions. The South will rise again, capitalized. We attack the south wall, not capitalized. "What Should I do.....What Would mom do?" => Neither should nor would ought to be capitalized. Fallen Ponies is capitalized in one sentence then shortly thereafter, it is lowercase. Whether you choose to capitalize it or not, pick one way and be consistent. There's a few typos as well. A hi that should be his. A choose that should be chose. A your that should be a you're. Flied should be flew. And an ellipsis has three periods, no more. Overall, not too bad in this regard, but could have benefited from an additional proofreading pass or two.
Format could use some help. Right now, there's many large paragraphs that don't go flow together well. For example, the paragraph where the protagonist decides to chase after Star Wing. It starts out about that chase, then takes a detour to talk about Fallen Ponies. When it makes that shift, boom, new paragraph should have started. Right now, most paragraphs are the paragraph equivalent of run on sentences.
The story could also flow better. It tries to explain too much that doesn't need to be explained right away, but could be developed later, over time, in the course of the story. An example would be Big Apple. There isn't any reason to go into detail about him at that moment and doing so hurts the pacing. You want to draw your audience in, get them to invest in the story. Don't sidetrack yourself. And keep in mind that even some things you might think you need to explain you might not have to. If the characters act like something is right and proper, the audience will usually go along (unless it conflicts with what they do know, of course). There's also a bad time jump. She goes from trying to decide what to do to suddenly having a military force and apparently winning the war.
As far as the Mary Sue factor, I'd say I'm getting a bit of that as well. Princess is locked in the castle. One day, she decides to start a revolution. So suddenly, she's not imprisoned anymore. And in this world that is so bad and terrible, she has a force of a paltry one hundred members, that easily gather, and are apparently on the verge of victory, striking at will. Then she happily carves up some bad guys, and returns home, no problems.
Short version, it needs work.
That's the bad.
The good? The writing isn't too bad. Once you learn how to format things a bit better, correct the relatively few grammatical errors, and so on, you'll be doing fine on that side. Which is far better than most people starting to write here. You need to work on pacing as well, but that should improve with experience.
I'd suggest going with a bit more audience friendly subject matter in the meantime. Hold off on the OC alicorn for a bit. The stories can work. One of the fandom's biggest stories is an OC alicorn one, after all. But it needs to be done well to get past the bias.
1631170
Essentially, the bad writers, and "artists" out number the good ones, eight to one. I've seen some good artist on there, some really amazing stuff. But the majority causes me to see the site as "Spoiled Brat Central"
1631159
Well, truth be told, we've got our fair share of writers here that suffer from the same issues. Like dArt, this site is very amateur friendly. And, unfortunately, a lot of the reader base is not very discerning when it comes to the quality of what they decide to praise/read. Lot of that has to do with the low mean age of FiM fans, of course. They like wish fulfillment crap, bad crossovers, and are apparently not doing well in their English classes, so poor grammar frequently doesn't bother them.
That said, some are willing to learn and improve, just need experience. There are some truly talented writers among us. And we all like ponies.
1631161
Indeed, didn't really see anything that hostile in what you said. It might be stated plainly, not sugar-coated, but it wasn't really hostile.
1631184 And the whole community takes this look on writers:
"Oh, you just write because you suck at drawing, fag." I look at their galleries and see a whole bunch of re-colored sonic/homestuck/MLP/Adventure Time/Regular Show characters.
But hey, I found out about this place through DA, and it offered me ponies before I knew sites like this were out there. It has a few redeeming qualities.
1631191
Don't forget kingdom heart and lion king.
1631228
Oh yes, how could I forget.
Most of the time, I can-
You know what, eff it. I'm not going to even try.
Okay, I'll give my honest opinion just like everyone else in here.
The thing I don't like most about a story is the wall of text. That alone put my mind off. I highly suggest breaking it up to at least five sentences a paragraph or starting a new paragraph after each dialogue. The second problem is that, like what most of the people here are saying, you made your OC a little too perfect. She's pretty much borderline Mary Sue. Try smoothing out the edges with this one, especially since its an alicorn OC. Put challenges in front of her. The road to a good character is full of flaws which you should pick from. And, as you can already guess from the others, there are lots of capitalization and grammar errors throughout the story that you need to look into. Try getting a pre-reader to help you before you post a new chapter.
Okay, now with that out of the way, the good thing I like about the story is the OC itself. I generally like alicorn OCs, and she's not like many of them which are made to be just as powerful as Celestia or Luna, or the typical Mary-Sue type character. The characterization, in my opinion, is medium at best and you did well to make your own universe with original characters -- good and evil.
So yeah, that's my take on it. And you really should listen to them, dA is extremely different than FimFiction. But, all in all, this story has the potential to be a well-liked fanfic on this site.
I absolutely ADORE Orithyia's picture! SO CUTE! Seriously, how can you not love that adorable filly!? I just want to give 'er a big ol' hug!
Mm, wish I was cute. I'm about as pretty as a rat with Shingles.
1631171
That's one of the best critiques I've read in ages - very good show.
Brilliant story. Amazing OC and well developed, fluid, storyline. everybody here be posting RePEWs, not reviews. Dem haters homegirl, stick wit what chu got.
1631360
...did you read the same thing I did?
1631360
RePEWs?
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1631112 Personally, I'm glad I stayed far away from this one
1630884
I just want to put this down here. A lot of things are supposed to be, in the end, they end up being something else. How many alicorns there were supposed to be is one of them. There's now four canon alicorns in the show, and there's nothing any of us can do about it. Most likely, we're going to see some more coming. It's time for you to get away from Faust's original intentions, she isn't on the show.
1631660 *Three. Gherkin was right, Sombra's a unicorn. So they added none after Cadance.
1630908 And you must realize that if you're trying to ARGUE those points, the phrase is "by NO means." When you say "by ALL means," you're admitting to every point of Homer's being correct. And to an extent, it is; this may be far from the worst thing I've seen on this site, but if you want a even a snowball's chance in hell of getting people to enjoy it, some revisions are in order. The nice people above me are trying to show you exactly what needs to be revised.
Full disclosure: I think you might actually be onto something here, but the fault lies in the execution. As a general rule of thumb, most of this should NEVER be done, but you're closer to breaking the mold than most I've seen.
In terms of grammar, you're LEAGUES ahead of the shit I sift through on a daily basis, but there's still work that needs to be done that a spell checker alone won't pick up.
Your main character... well, it does look like you're trying more to create a character than to insert a caricature of yourself into the story, so I guess I can lend you props for your attempt at that. She's definitely much more visually appealing than most OCs. But there's a SERIOUS aversion to alicorn OCs on the site because tragically few writers know how to handle properly writing characters with that much natural power. Even the ones that DO write them properly still get some shit for writing them at all. They're overpowered by design, and as biased as it may seem, you WILL get downvotes based on that alone. If you don't want her to be all-powerful, just make her be of another race. Family shouldn't be used as a defense; Celestia's nephew, Blueblood, is a unicorn, and two earth ponies birthed a pegasus and a unicorn, so you don't need to make her an alicorn because Daddy is (hell, I don't even think her father should really be one).
The plot of the story is somewhat interesting, but again, the fault is in the execution. The way you set the plot up, there are enough holes for it to not even be able to properly function as a story. It basically relies on hiccups in the narrative and stupidity on the characters' part to ever work. Most of the people above me explain where those plot holes are so you can patch them up and make the story more stable.
I don't want to come across as mean here. I know a lot of my coworkers at the TWE don't give much of a rat's ass and just unload on the story, but even EVIL MOTHERFUCKING HOMER, whose honesty is usually laced with vicious brutality, went easy on you. I'd actually like to see this story develop and improve, since the framework isn't actually that bad. What I'd recommend to you is:
- Possibly get an editor or proofreader to clean up what the spell check functions won't.
- Patch up the inconsistencies and loopholes that tear the narrative apart on a fundamental level.
- Reconsider the alicorn thing. Pick EITHER the earth ponies' strength, the pegasi's flight, or the unicorns' magic; determine which, in terms of necessity in the story, is best for Princess Ori-
...
Oh.
- Change either Orithyia's name or your username. If you don't want her to look like an author avatar, don't name her after your account name and/or don't name your account after her. I damn near revoked my statement about developing an actual original character when I saw that name, but I'm TRYING to stay positive.
You show more promise than most of the writers I see here, and most of your comments appear to made out of simple ignorance of the way things typically run on this site rather than actual malice towards the guys trying to give you a helping hand. Just to warn you, though, the viewership on FIMFiction usually has higher quality standards than that on deviantART. This site isn't as ball-busting as EqD about quality (and thank god for that, or my story may never have survived), but the readers still expect to see something decent when they come by. This, as the like/dislike ratio indicates, falls short of that standard. But for once, I don't think this needs to be scrapped completely. It does need a bit of a hard reset, but I think you can keep the rebellion-against-a-tyrant-overlord framework intact while you make the necessary tweaks to the details themselves. You don't need to touch it on dA, but if you want people here to like your story, you need to put in the effort to make it likable.
...wow, I didn't intend for that to be a full review (well, lengthy, not really FULL). I didn't even think that I'd make anything beyond that first paragraph. I got a bit carried away. You're... welcome?
>Fallen Prime, TWE Moderator and Resident Riffmaster
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1631720
Cadance is the fourth one. There's an Alicorn briefly shown in the Hearts and Hooves Day episode. While we don't anything about her other than that she drank the love potion, she's still canon.
1631887 Oh yeah, right. Wow, forgot about that one. She was an alicorn...? And I think her existence is up for debate; wasn't it a book of legends?