• Member Since 27th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Dec 14th, 2012

StarvedChangeling


T
Source

Maybe it was frustration or more likely hormones motivated you to action. After six years of hesitation and admiration you moved all 120 ponds your manly self to finally make your intentions clear no matter how badly you mess up.


This is my first fic so take that as you will.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 8 )

Continue this.

There's a lot of missing punctuation throughout. Commas, colons, periods (or semicolons), question marks, hyphens, and it would take a while to point out every instance. I also saw a couple instances of doubled words or incorrect words being used.

The premise was also a bit hard to follow. It seemed like scenes jumped back and forth with little to no relation to one another. I felt I couldn't really relate to the character either because, for the most part, you were telling us how he felt instead of showing us how he (we?) should feel. There wasn't very much interaction between Gilda and the character, leaving me wondering why exactly he would feel so torn over a decision. It seemed like he didn't mention much more than her outward appearance and hinting at a long friendship.

That being said, I was interested because there aren't very many Gilda romances to begin with, and the ones I've seen tend to fall back on Gilda and Rainbow Dash's friendship in the past. I'd like to see you fix this up a bit both in the story and the grammar sense. You've got potential, and I'd like to see it put to use. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Colgate_beam.png

I loved this. WE WANT MORE!:applecry:

moved all 120 ponds your manly self

That must be some fine real estate he has there.

Dislikes: YOUR GRAMMAR!!!
Likes: I liked the story.
Conclusion: Although you should work on your grammar, the story was good. A good start for your career indeed. Keep up the good work and I await a sequel or aftermath of this.
- Imaginationlord

Sequel announcement. NOW.

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