• Member Since 31st Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen May 11th

nerevars


I'm a brony

E
Source

You are dating you childhood friend and your favorite DJ, Vinyl Scratch. As a pony who doesn't have something to be proud of, you are start to think about your relationship with her.

Image taken from http://matackable.deviantart.com/art/Vinyl-Scratch-Do-you-love-me-297365553

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 36 )

Well you know, English is not my first language so sorry if you find many grammar mistake and I hope you still can enjoy the story :scootangel:

Ok I really like this idea that you have here, but my only problem is the grammar and I do understand that english isn't your first language. All I can really say to help you improve is to just work on your english some more other than that good story:pinkiehappy:

I like this! It's nice, concise, a good first chapter and - dare I say it - it's sweet :)

If this is your first fic, you're gonna learn very quickly that here, the number one rule (almost) is: get an editor to review your work. An editor is someone who will read your story and point out your technical mistakes so that when you publish your story, it's perfect.

I would gladly offer to edit your fic, and I was going to, but something came up and now I don't have the time to do that :/ If you want an editor who can show you how to write not just well, but perfectly, you should join this group here and post a thread asking for someone to be your editor. Good luck!

For a first chapter with English not being your first language, you wrote rather well. :twilightsmile: The grammar, syntax and such aside, it was an interesting first chapter, although I do have some thoughts: You went rather fast, as one moment an audition was taking place, then suddenly it is hours later and the setting suddenly shifted into a club with a very drunk Vinyl is at, then once again shifts to her dorm. In addition, I feel as though more detail as to what was going on in all three scenes should have been provided. Lastly, your sentences are often choppy, such as when you said, "You pitied yourself. You escaped yourself from the deadly grip of the mare in front of you."

This may be a better way of wording that general paragraph:
"You were speechless, as there are many emotions going on in your head. Happy, glad, proud... these were the first thoughts that came to you. Then it came...your bad habit that seems to happen every time something great happen to those you keep close. You had to pity yourself as you escaped from the deadly clutch of the mare in front of you."

Other then that, it seems interesting, and I will be sure to follow. Can't wait to see what you bring! :yay:

I'll be honest, I skimmed through some parts. It's not bad, but as an intro its a bit dull. The role of an introduction is to grab the reader's attention and kick things off.

As for your actual writing, it's not bad either. There were bits where it got a bit confusing, but at least you can spell (I understand English isn't your first language).

There were a lot of things that I think needed to be fixed. I didn't get them all, but here are some of the more prominent ones.

On the day of the audition, you were there, encouraging her since you know that she was very nervous eventhough she was trying to hide it but as a childhood friend who can read her like a book, you knew she needed help.

You should try to avoid run on sentences this like this.

when a mare kick the door and yelling about the unfairness of the judgement the jury made.

There is a double space between the words.

“Uh, Vynil. A-Are you okay?”

The only spelling mistake I could see.

Seeing as you're still learning the language, I'd get a prereader. Just have someone go through the chapter and fix any errors or rephrase any sentences that don't make sense.

I'm probably not going to end up following this story (don't take it personally, shipping isn't usually my cup of tea), but you did a good job.

Best of luck,
-Sparklight

I love it! Oh Celestia, I hope your OC doesn't get Friend-zoned!

1287225 Thanks :scootangel:
1287261 Hmm, I'm gonna get one or two. Thanks for the advice. :derpytongue2:
1287289 Well you know, I wrote like this to separate the feeling and the physical action. Just like a denial or something.
1287508>>1287954 thanks :yay:

Interesting story, and a good intro.
And great job considering English isn't your native language. But the funny thing is, you probably have better grammar than some of the people on this site anyway.

I enjoyed this chapter very much! It doesn't matter if English isn't your first language, I could still tell what you were saying!
I can't wait til next chapter!

1289700 lol dude. Doesn't this story have some potential? All this dude needs is a proofreader and this would feature box worthy in. My opinion

My favorite fanfic writer's first language isn't English either. :ajsmug: I'm going to favorite to read it later.

Ach...more to put on the reading pile...or mountain, as it were.

Faved. Consider investing in a proof-reader and/or editor, too. I like where this is going so far.

This is really good for a first fic. Thumbs up. :scootangel:

Again, I'm sorry if you see many grammar mistake.

And for those who wait this chapter, I'm sorry if it takes too much time since I have some trouble with my college and this is my first fic so I really often caught up with writer block, but I hope you enjoy this :scootangel:

Good like always, but there are several tensing issues

-ing means it is happening now
-ed means has already happened
May I suggest a proofreader if you don't have one, if just for the tenses?

1359770 I have, but his first language is not English either.

Oh maybe I'm gonna recheck it, since at first, he doesn't know this is still a flashback.

1359805
That makes sense, then. I found a simple tense chart
here

Max

Well we have a love triangle now, you have my attention, fave and upvote! Keep up with the good work:heart:

1359813 the first language or the flash back?

1359835 thankks :scootangel:

hmm... go for the person you love or the person that loves you? hmmm... the question that predates Earth...
I'm going with Vinyl
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2011/353/2/b/vinyl_scratch_wink_by_drawkab330-d4jman0.png

Dawwwww!

I'm loving this story! Good job on this! I can't wait for more!

I just started reading this and in the second line there was this

set after you are start dating your childhood friend

. I read your comment about English not being your first language and that is very understandable, but you should put information like that in the beginning so it would not be overlooked. Now back to reading

This is an amzing story keep up the good work.

yes your grammar is poor but please take your time with this better grammar means less dislikes.

1359939 you haven't see what's up in my sleeve :D
1361639>>1362376>>1362688 Thanks, I'm gonna learn to write in English more

1363468

Don't worry about it too hard. Your English is near perfect! :pinkiehappy:

1284060 your better then most people.btw,loving the story ^-^

Im sorry but I can't read this is got like halfwaty threw the first chapter and just couldnt go on. there is no possible way of understanding please consider revizing or just start over and slow down no need to rush. please think about it cause i would love to read this because vinyl and octavia are my favorite ponies ever. so please try to make this story hav
ve yoy know :twilightsheepish: some sence to.it.

1426493 I... Wha... Huh? I don't understand, what are you talking about?

But for me, you was my savior that day

3379951 Actually, my English is not really good. So feel free to englighten me.

BTW I put this on hiatus and I write another fan fic. Haven't type that yet though, would you want to be my proofreader? :twilightblush:

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