Rape, sexism, racism, vile acts and views that humanity looks at with deepest of loathing. But Equestria a magical world inhabited by ponies, have no such issue openly embracing it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Punctuation. Otherwise great.
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She's pregnant I called it, though I'm still pissed off at the girls for being jackasses
WATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWAT
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This was amazing to read. Can't wait to read more.
Not as cool as i expected
i like your priorities
Priorities, you has dem.
Ok almost had a heart attack when the girls were after him but stopped after the compromise.
Also I Knew Nightmare Moon Was Pregnant, don't know how but i knew
Yes it needs to be 20% cooler
My priorities right there
1564029
What happened to the girl's "fears and anger being amplified by Nightmare's powers," did that idea get thrown out or is Nightmare not even aware that she's doing it? Also, skipped the scene with Chrysalis or did they just not do it yet?
1563693
that feel when I was just watching all of the 10th
I've copied the past 3 chapters to a word document. So if you want me to, I can edit them for you.
1564290 PLEASE
1564267 NO SHE ISN'T HER BODY IS SLOWLY DRAINING THE EVIL FROM HER AND AS A SIDE EFFECT IT IS EFFECTING THE PURE
1564299
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somehow I don't believe you
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never eat cereal at 2:10am .... clean up on Aisle 666
1564325 NO I'M SUPER SERIOUS (said very sarcastically)
Nah in reality Nightmare has nothing to do with it think to yourself who is good at causing ponies to betray each other think, use your chaotic mind
1564348
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ahhhhhhh, figures
1564368 you funny have a mustache
1564390
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Well didn't se that coming... oh dear what if Celestia whats a little bundle of joy to call her own!Shave and a Haircut?
I am still reserving judgement on this, though I am tracking it. Has potential...
NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NOT THE XBOX!!!! NNNNNOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
great chapter
1564402 OMG I can't breath Godzilla knows about priorities.
"I was drunk and my hand was slashed open by a unprovoked gorilla with a hook."... Be sure to invite me to whatever parties you go to. Otherwise I'm really enjoying this fic(wow I'm a sick person) but it does have grammar and pacing issues.
dear celestia
i just read this to my little bro.
we loved it
him:it was 20% cooler than anething i have seen
my rateing 8.5
me: just out standing job you have a
9.6
Just a couple of questions:
1) Now that he will become a father the others mare will stop trying to get him into bed? Or at least will not come at him so often?
2) Did the mane 6, and the princess will throw a baby shower to Nightmare Moon? Oh that will be the most awkward and funniest party EVER, please tell me you are planning doing that, please tell that Pinkie Pie is working on something big, maybe a surprise baby shower. Oh the expression on Nightmare Moon face if you do that…priceless, please, please do that
3) I think Celestia was a little too excited with the prospect of a new alicorn. Did she will try her luck with Lachlan in the next chapter so SHE can become pregnant herself?
4) When did you are planning to return to your count down of main 6 that he will have sex? And who was the 6 pony in that list? I just keep counting and in that picture I only saw 5, and I don't think you were taking about the princess or the villains, so, who is the 6 pony or creature you have in mind?
And finally, maybe Pinkie Pie will be the next one that will get lucky, she is acting a little strange in this 2 chapters. Ah, and maybe Lachlan and NM can ask for parenting advice from Berry, she is a mother after all.
P.S: If you are going to put the picture again, can you instead use the one with all of the main 6 on lingerie, I think it make more sense to use that picture and, to be honest, they look more hot in that one. Anyway, a little rush, but other than that great job
Let us hope that things clear up!
I would do the exact same thing if I found out that I missed the midnight launch of Halo 4 when I was in a different world.
1565471>>1566040 the chapter is meant to be quite quick
Chrysalis will appear again and there will be a sex scene
The reason that the princess have accepted them so quickly is because nightmare has not just a alicorn foal but a male foal this is too rare for them to discard
Hmmm. I think a deeper exploration regarding the Mane Six's is due. I can understand why they acted weird, but the fact that they did may imply something a bit deeper that a simple talk won't easily fix. I can see some potential fun while this is explored.
homicidal sex dominatrix with a tendency for monologuing said like ex
Ha I love when a clop fic become something more.
1564690 life is so unfair for him!!!!!
1569483
Exactly
You can brake a man's ribs
You can shatter a man's legs
And you can even kill a man
But you do not, I repeat, YOU DO NOT take away a man's XBOX
-derpyhoovesnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/RDP-CaptainHooktheBikerGorilla-copy.png This chapter was too fast with a lot of the story. Still not bad though.
1574133 if they were humans then that would be true but remember that horses and ponies are herd animals one stallion plentiful mares with the male population low in Equestria it means that the need for herds is vital for its survival
One question, with the numbers of times he had sex with the pegasus, ( and I'm pretty sure there were a lot…a mean 4 mounts of round after round with those two? Holy crap, That at least had has to 40 times for week.) Did Shy or Dash are pregnant too?
Grammar Problems
Key:
quote = Problem
> = Suggestion Solution (Changes will be in bold
- = Opinion
> able to keep up with hers as sweat poured from my body matting our already filthy frames as the throws of passion clamed us.
(You should space the paragraph here.)
“Ah you’re so perfect” she giggled as I stared at her in fear of her bubbly personality that's scaring me. Her soft borderline caring look actually scared me more than her homicidal streak. Or so I thought her eyes darkened as her grip tightened around my shoulders, the bones creaking as her steel grip threatened to break my shoulder blades. Her mouth latched onto mine drawing blood as she bit my lip my eyes widening as panic set in. She was getting aggressive as I feared for my body as our once smooth rhythm was distorted, her legs forcing me to go faster as she grew restless.
-Well it's been nearly two days since you submitted your story so I decied to help you proofread your story for you as I read through. I hope you don't mind me putting up entire paragraphs in these quotes they're here just to help you find your original paragraph easier. Also please remember that these are suggestions to fix the problems that I had while reading it so it's up to you to follow my suggestions or not.
>“I’m so sorry” she sobbed Chrysalis and I (were?) horrified as the evil mare of the night wept her eyes swollen and puffy as I shakily caressed her, wishing to avoid her fury as I comforted my captor?. I was confused her arbitrary mood swings made her unpredictable and that made her deadly. My member quickly hardened as she grinned roughly against me her blanket like fur warm and helping stave the cold as her walls tightened
-The changes with question marks on them means that I'm not completely sure that they'll fix things but they do need to be looked at. Once again these are suggestions so if you decide if it's okay then it's alright to not follow my suggestions.
>“Again, do me again harder please” she begged, her extensive lusting moan of passionate desire contrasting my fear. I submitted to her. (or "," )My terror and caution insuring my cooperation with the mare as I slam into her my body moaning in protest from the pain. Chrysalis had a look of disgust and amusement as Nightmare Moon degraded herself, her royal neutral attitude gone as she pleaded for me to get her off.
-I'm trying to be more lenient on dialogue boxes but I'm still having a lot of trouble with that field. ^^; I just see some spacing errors and that's pretty much it for me so far.
>No that is ridicules, there is no way I can be pregnant only Alicorn sperm can resist magic and I got rid of your sperm before it cou-” her weak protests are cut off by Chrysalis stepping forward, her horn glowing a sickly green as I instinctively put myself between her and Nightmare.
-Just some basic stuff.
>“What do you mean 'of course,' most stallions leave the mare when they are pregnant? Stallions usually don’t stay to raise their kids” she informedme filling with anger at the thought of abandoning a women and child in need.
-There's a word swap and a normal spelling mistake. I also add in a couple of small quotations when Nightmare Moon is repeating what Lachlan said.
>“Yeah tha monster near killed ma brother” Applejack growled her eyes showing a hint of sadness at our former friend's actions she had at first been angry at her brother but as the days passed she found herself more and more enraged by the human. The fact that he had escaped had not been a problem as long as he stayed in Ponyville we could have caught him, but he went for Fluttershy and Dash was sadly not fast enough to get help when she saw him. He was dangerous to us and I had stupidly spoken to him in hospital when I should've locked him up. Luckily princess Celestia and Luna were coming to personally help us deal with Lachlan. We have(?) been searching for days now and all our efforts had been in vain. We waited by the ever free forest Dash keeping an eye out as we waited for the princess. Pinkie Pie had been surprisingly quite her poofy hair flat as even her coat seemed to lack the usual sheen.
-It was painful to read this part again, not that the grammar but the betrayal and fear that Twilight and others have for him. Onto the proofreading, one is basic possessive error and the other two are changes that I suggest, but I'm not sure with swtiching "had" with "have" before, so I'm not sure with changing that, so it's up to you to see if that part is okay as it is.
>“So what happens now, you come to finish me off, kill Lachlan?” Nightmare snapped her hands glowing slightly as Luna burst out of the darkness, her horn glowing a navy blue as I tried to defuse the situation.
-I'm not really sure if these changes will help that much, but these just bothered me for a little bit.
>It was revealed that they were not the only ones as the others appeared their faces ranging from anger, shock to concern as they uncomfortably shuffled about. We spoke at length about what would happen. Celestia reassured us that we would not be hurt and that we would even be given accommodations to the palace whilst Nightmare Moon was pregnant. Celestia seemed excited about the foal polar opposite to Moon’s dread of staying at the castle. The conversation had been very stressful the mares still resentful towards the villainess mare as more than once Luna and Moon nearly traded blows. It was agreed in the end that as long as she behaved herself and didn't hurt any of the ponies then she would be given a second chance to redeem herself, a prospect she was less than delighted about. But in the end she agreed her concern for her foal more important than her mission and pride which filled me with respect that despite her nasty streak, she still had a sense of moral and a caring side to her. I was upset when I found out why they were avoiding me and felt slightly hurt that they would do to me after the incident with Zecora.
- Hmm, all that for one word, I'm pretty sure there were others, but it seems I forgot. I'm sure it'll come to me when I come back to it later. For now, just change this one word.
>“I must say Lachlan that you are a strange creature, not only have you adapted to living here, (or) ; you are soon going to be a father to a Alicorn foal,b a feat in itself which should be impossible. I am curious though as to how you were even able to impregnate her. (or) , please excuse me but you are a completely different species. From what I have heard, you are also very good at impressing the mares, once again forgive me if this is rude, but I find that given your size you would struggle with the mares due to(?) their weight and size difference” Celestia inquired as I blushed
-Just basic suggestions nothing too special here.
>The argument that followed wasn't pretty me against six angry girls was not easy. They thought I was a predator and a monster which I wasn't about to live with so I reminded them of Zecora and that there xenophobia was offensive and racist. Twilight and Rarity winced at the racist part but part of them saw that it was true. I hadn't realised that I had gone for Big Mac my memory blurred as they filled I the pieces. In the end I was albeit shakily able to convince them that I was innocent.
-Can't believe I almost missed that one and now I'm pretty sure that there might be many more somewhere in this chapter that I've overlooked.
Now onto the story itself: This is shaping up to be the like that one fanfic I've read here about a human who was with Nightmare Moon but she was also turned good and they had to worry about becoming a family soon. Speaking of family, I'm dissappointed that we're not shown that much detail about how Lachlan got them to understand his innocence and I wonder how the damage will be repaired with him and the other mares. It seems like he's stuck with Nightmare Moon to be his true girlfriend from now on and it won't be the same anymore if he did it with anyone else.
This fanfic is a great treasure that youv'e made and I'm glad to find it and read it all of it today. It's truely one of the great anthro pony stories that I've been looking for and now I look forward to your next update.
1574839
Kind of like what I've heard about in Xenophillia?
1576898 don't worry my friend in chapter 7 we meet Chrysalis and deal with Nightmare Moons pregnancy plus hopefully a saucy threesome. The incident regarding the girls wont be resolved until Rarity s captured by Diamond dogs or should I say Diamond Bitches
; )
1577466 If you are calling them Diamond Bitches am I to assume that they just so happen to be in heat when they capture Rarity and Lachlan is part to the group to save her? Also more art is appreciated for visuals on how you envision the different species looking.
1580320 will try but artist are greedy bastards one fucker wanted 30$ for a coloured drawing plus 10$ for every extra character
What disgusts me is that line drawings take about 5 mins for my friend does it he can do just about anything but he isn't a brony so you can see why that would be awkward. But these fucks not only demand ridiculous money they also usually make there work out to be hard which is shite. They also have the nerves to have a fucking donation poll.
I felt tears prick my eyes as the tragic piece of news struck home. I was never going to see my friends again or any of my family again and more importantly I would never get my halo 4 special addition Xbox.
...
LOL AHAHAHAHAHAHA
Hmm..... The villains being nicer to the guy than the Mane 6. Unexpected, but welcome.
1564683
still has issues with punctuation, though in this chapter's case, more that commas were placed in the wrong areas than not having them at all or having a sentence go a bit longer than it could have. 60% wrongly placed, 40% lacking.
He lets them off!?! Just like that? They abandon him and suddenly it doesnt matter and all is fine? Am i the only one who thinks that not how any one of us would react?
Uhhhh I'm not even sure maybe if I got drunk I can post somthing
sorry you didn't get your X-box
if it's any consultation I know the feeling