A 17-year old human gets the shock of his life because of a weather spell that went wild. Now he must lay his old and good life behind him and try to build up a new one. But can he do it? Can he leave all he had behind and make a new start in a different world?
Well, read it to find out!
This is my first Fiction, so helpful comments are very much appreciated!
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This intrigues me. Have a mustache and a favorite.
Hmmmm... From one author to another, Your story lacks the cohesion from the outset. It could be that your two 200 word chapters threw me off, but there is no real drama.
I realize that is a painful thin to hear from a comment, but I feel that if you can learn to give your story some events from the get go, you will get a lot of views.
I am going to put in my "Read Later" tab to see how this develops.
Keep going and don't be afraid to take an idea you had while making this story and use it in a different story. Every fic scratches a different spot.
The first chapters are two short, and the sentences are kinda bland. Really could use some work.
Your chapters need to be longer but there still good can't wait to read more
A boy named Brendan, at the age of 16 gets teleported to Equestria = instant dislike
Quite interesting. Have a favorite and a like. I enjoy the direction this seems to be going and can't hardly wait for more.
Hmmm now this is just a thought but maybe you could join the first 2 chapters and maybe add…shall we say flavor to your sentences but overall I'm interested to see where this is going
This…intrigs me liked and faved
It may be HiE, but at least the protagonist ain't some whiny emo bitch, right?
Like/faved. Let's see where this goes.
1425996
I figured I'd hear this. Not that I'm disappointed about it, the first 2 chapters may have thrown you off, but you won't have to worry about the word count at all anymore
I'm trying my best. Being the very uncreative person that I am, (It's a small mental illness, don't ask.) I always had bad grades in school for anything creative I had to do. Thus, I'm drastically trying to improve it. However, if it seems that it's not working after I finish this story, this will most likely be the only story I'll ever write. BUT! I WILL finish this story, whether people like it or not. I started it, and I will finish it!
The more constructive comments I get, the better. (And good examples are always helpful!)
1427939
This is a really interesting story. You are doing a great job so far, don't beat yourself down like that. Your story does need some work and tweaking, but it's a lot better then my first attempt at creative writing.
My suggestion is to try to keep the chapters long enough that its easy to follow the story, and try to keep people interested by regularly presenting some kind of drama (but not all the time).
1427939
I noticed your slice o life tag on the story as well. As a self proclaimed conisseuir, I should warn you not to put all of the events in a short amount of time.
In fact I was just reading a story where In 3 chapters, the character got over any thoughts of bestiality, had rainbowdash fall in love with him, and discovered he was equestrias hero...
And he claimed to be a slice of life lol. I'm not sayin that this should be the focus of your story (no matter how much I want it to be), but I would advise you to place emphasis on key events. I do it by making a revelation on it's own line, then describe assorted emotions and thoughts or reactions as needed.
The only reason I am telling you this is because I don't want you to fall into that pit. Don't compromise your story by making 29 things happen at once.
Your story has potential. Let me be the first to tell you that potential in a story makes the reader imagine more to the story than there is.
But I digress
1428470
Oh don't worry about that, I've got lots of in dept chapters planned out in my head with climaxes and such. From now on the chapters will be longer. The reason the first few were shorter was 'cause it was mostly the background going into the real thing. I've just got to put the plannings down black on white.
You may not notice the climaxes and maybe the "Slice of Life" until I'm around chapter 5-6 or so. I've got to get all the basics out of the way first... with a little climax here and there.
Chapter 3 will be up in a few minutes.
And you'll get the first "very few" tastes of my dry humor.
Interesting...
Proceed.
1429304
I agree with this one. Go on.
Bikes have handle bars bro.
Interesting. A little devoid of suspicion during the first meeting. I suppose he know what he was doing. I was a little confused that the human wasn't already in equestria by that point. I was under the impression that he was without a bike in ch1(2?) (probably due to my not reading it closely). Also, it was ambiguous as to if he straight up ran over fluttershy. I was confused why everyone was so calm around a pony who got run over...
I will be watching. I hope I don't sound mean, but I want this story to do well
1440027
It was just the end of her mane that got run over. Not that big of a deal to make a fuss about.
As for "Handle Bars". Literal translation fault
Stuur = Steering Wheel. It sounds better than "Handle bars" anyway.
Still, I'll make sure to avoid such complications in the future!
go on
Damn Celestia, jump to conclusions why don't you!
1452811
I applaud you, now go and write more of this story I had the fine pleasure of reading.
This is better.
Another great chapter.
Onward!
Great chapter!
Can't wait for the next one.
Awwww so cute.
Cuteness level.....over 9000!!!!!!
1570010
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/14/M1TtHW8LTE2rRZz0JnQPjQ2.jpg
1570396
Wow better reactions than I ever expected to get
Onwards we go!
hmmm, its only a assumption, but a think Rarity have a thing for him
1574690
1574712 "Take off your clothes, Brendan..."
1575835
1574712
The fact that Rarity actually ask him to come to her home as soon as he get the time. And she actually consider him a gentleman, something that the serie has point out is Rarity weak point…well that and the royalty, but after the Gran Galoping Gala incident I think the last one, not so much now.
1577875dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Rarity_lolface.png
If Brendan and Fluttershy don't kiss I will be SOOOO
1612653
Don't you mean Brendan and Rarity?
1613194 Eh that's fine too.
ponysquare.com/file/pic/photo/2012/12/38791d987c604de27b8228119f2df90b_500.png?t=50c2b45caa3b3
Very very good,You may proceed to next chapter
1760083
I'm kind of a Grammar "Nazi" myself, so...
No need to so easily give up meat. I mean there are plenty of nonsentients in Equestria. All you have to do is hunt them....wait....You're just lazy!
hmn....even without too much conflict, it moves fast enough for there not to be too much of a need for it. But I do have a complaint (that's not a complaint), about what you might be able to add to the story. And that is...*drumroll*....Perfection Is Imperfection.
that is the first time I saw someone use FRUIT JUICE as an alcoholic beverage
Glad the story isn't dead. Great chapter btw.
Yay!
An update! It's been SOOOOO long! 
...hmn...need moar.... .... ... zzz zzz zz- HUH! WHAT! 24.media.tumblr.com/6bc6de2c892ee645eee8b6deaecc84a6/tumblr_mnmeqea9m11s0sz7go2_1280.png
YES!
So, did you stop working on this?
Yeah its crystal clear he and Rarity will be end up together, good job man